Fucking cyborg gopher

Go to the hardware stores and get some Gopher Gassers instead of torturing it to death you dumb fucking prick. Even pests deserve a quick death.

Is this the reboot for Caddyshack?

>>33868730
It's not like I want to torture it... and this was a thing I didn't know existed. I'm starting to doubt anything will kill it. I mean, 5 gallons of bleach for fucks sake, that's pretty poisonous.

>>33868730
And also, literally anywhere else except next to the house or shed and I would leave it alone.

I guess Pest Control General then. I just bought Gopher Gas.

>>33868706
> Put on gasmask
> Smoke out enemy
> Impale with bayonet
> Smash with Louisville Slugger
> Go full wile e coyote
What could go wrong

>>33869325
Well here's the thing. I noticed it when I was outside frying a turkey, thus the hot oil method. Plus I was a little drunk so it seemed like it might work.
This gopher gas is probably going to do the job (I hope), but jesus fuck for a rodent this bastard is tough. FFS I detonated what must have seemed like a MOAB in his goddamn living room and all that. Reminds me of that /k pest control thread, if anyone has the screencap post please.

>>33868769
Kek

>>33868706
Ammonia and bleach. Inhale a bit fist to see if it's working

>>33868706
suppressed .22lr shooting subsonics, one little pop with the gun hidden in a bag or something and he's a goner

>asking a gun board how to kill a varmint with everything BUT a gun, especially when that's totally the right way to do it in this case

Fuck off, drunk redneck.

>>33868769
Story plz

>>33869407
I thought this was a weapons board. Is chemical warfare not covered under that?

i once shot a giant woodshuck with a .22

I figured a single .22 shot even in my neighborhood wouldn't attract attention, all i had to do was make sure i got a kill shot.

I hit the thing face on and somehow it went like, above its brain or something, into its back seemingly severing the spine because it started to crawl away with just its front feet. I didn't even bring another round out with me so i panicked, not wanting it to suffer so i ran into the garage and grabbed a sized 1-1/4" open end wrench which was about 16 inches long and clubbed it to death. Little bastard stood off with me and snarled even. Respect comrade.

I didn't know until after, but my soon to be wife had rounded the corner of the garage at the sound of the shot and watched the whole battle go down with her jaw dropped. She still married me though.

>>33869407
Neighbors are a little too close for a gunshot, but the subsonic .22 may work. The .177gr pellets at 1k fps should have done it though.

>>33869438
To be fair anon also thinks the population of /k isn't heavily drunk redneck garage inventors.

>>33869510
That's a pretty cute story desu.

>>33868769
my first thought when i saw the OP in the catalog! god damn Bill Murray at his classic best in that movie

>>33869984
We're gonna lose him one day soon, and it's sad. But I just didn't want the fucker to bother the safety of my shed (tannerite did some damage though).

Never had gophers but I've killed ground hogs with a cordless drill, tannerite, an old wooden ammo box, an axe head, and a couch.

>>33868706
What?

>>33870631
Erm... how? And was the couch instrumental or was it just an ass holder?

>>33870688
Nigga everyone else got the Cliff Notes version. What do you not get?

>>33870631
I just use a gun.

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Large rodents are burly, man. I've seen them get blown in half and the head half would drag itself 3m back to its hole.

>be me
>live in Montana
>go to Rapelje to shoot prairie dogs
>Long shots with .223, close shots with .17HMR (<200m)
>killing hundreds from on top of larger hill
>walk down and around corner of smaller hill
>prairie dog is 10m away and slowly walking in a 1m circle
>friend and I look at each other like pic related
>walk up to prairie dog and the entire top of its head is missing
>staring straight into the brainpan and can see the top of its spinal cord
>poke it with stick
>didn't even notice the poke
>continues walking in a circle, eyes staring straight ahead
>friend and I switch to pistols, PulpFiction.jpeg
>continue slaughter on next hill

>>33870723
Michael Douglas.

>>33870703
Well, my grandparents live on a farm with a man made pond. It's a natural valley with a bunch of springs in it, and a dam was built at one end. It was built in the 50s and they told us not to let ground hogs get into it or they'll weaken it and the dam will wash out. Every time I'm there I go on a ground hog holocaust to keep the dam secure. Ground hogs apparently breed like goddamn guppies because I can go every weekend and there will be 10-15 to kill.

I was building something in one of the sheds one day and had like a 1" forstener bit in the cordless drill. I was quietly measuring to mark for a cut when a groundhog popped up in the corner of the shed looking for food. When he got close I went medieval on him with the drill. It did the job very well.

We went down to shoot some tannerite once and I had setup the shooting range. I got everyone from the house and we were joking about blowing up ground hogs with it. We get down to the range and there are two goddamn groundhogs fucking around with the tannerite, like they're trying to get into it. Oops, pow, surprise! One dead groundhog and the other one was probably deaf. He hauled ass.

The old wooden ammo box story is very similar to the drill story mixed with that "russians hunting pigs with a sink" gif. Didn't break the ammo box either.

I was rehandling an axe in one of the sheds. I look out in the yard and see a furry faggot nosing around. Harnessing my hippy hunter skills I threw the axe head at him like a Frisbee. It hit him in the back and broke his spine. I then administered some riverdance to finish him off.

Cont.

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>>33870703
>>33871129

Cont
So it's grandparents living on farm, way out in the country. The furniture was old as fuck. We finally convinced my grandmother to let us buy her a new couch. Being from the depression era she wouldn't let us get rid of the old one. Someone's kid wanted to take it to college. It was probably from the 60s but whatever. One of the legs was broke so I took it out to the tractor shed where we have a huge work bench to glue it back together. It's up on the table and I'm getting some clamps ready to hold the leg together and a varmint vietcong comes strolling out of the corner. I had been having a bad day getting this old a fuck couch out of the house, parts of which were literally built around it. I Leroy Jenkins'ed the whole couch off the workbench, which fell upside down, the back of the couch pinning the groundhog down. His head side was hanging out on my side and I administered a samurai's death with a ball peen hammer while laughing pic related.

>>33871148
When you're the only one who thinks your own story is funny

>>33871272
I was amused.
Fuck you.

>>33868730
This. Quit being a faggot and just shoot it with your .22

>>33868706

>pour boiling peanut oil in hole
>rig propane torch over hole and watch with nvg, torch the fucker, runs
>FLOOD HOLE WITH FUCKING CEMENT

I think the best thing you can do to fix your issue is this:
>take handgun or shotgun
>place end of barrel in roof of mouth, point towards brain
>pull trigger

You could've just been a better shot and used firearms but no, you had to be cruel. Hell, that's how you started was being cruel with the oil. Kill yourself you fucking nigger.

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>>33871320
Also, don't use the smoke bombs, they are extremely noxious and if it leaks up into your shed then gg. I only use those in open areas. You also have to bury all of the burrow entrances or the smoke will just leak out. Groundhogs often dig pretty deep burrows so if it's a large one then they'll just retreat deep enough where the smoke won't reach.

There are lethal traps that snap shut over their neck when they leave their hole, use those. They are the most effective and reliable method, since smoking doesn't always work and you can't be watching to shoot them 24/7.

>t. anon who has been killing groundhogs on his farm since he was 6

>>33871388
You need a #2 or larger conibear trap for groundhogs. I have a dozen out at any time. I have to rewax them monthly. When I'm not using a drill to kill groundhogs, that is.

>>33869510
Of course she did, you showed her a man duty done right

>>33871474
A drill? Do tell.

The traps are great, I have six and I can usually catch two a day if I'm covering two separate groundhog hives

>>33870854
You...you use metric too much. Do I smell a fake, do I?

>>33869510
My dad once killed a groundhog by throwing a hammer from about 15 feet away, he was working in the machinery shed and saw it outside. He didn't have another weapon so he threw a sledgehammer and hit it in the head. That's our best kill so far.

>>33871272

>Being this self centered
KEKS

This nigga thinks those stories were posted as humor.

>>33871494
>A drill? Do tell.

I did already.

>>33871129

>>33871517

>weapons board
>not using metric system for distance

Also, northern Montana is nearly Canada. We fly the Canadian flag next the Stars and Stripes.

Also, also, I'm a geophysicist, so no use for Burgerlengths.

>>33871626
oh, missed that somehow. very much enjoyed the tannerite story.

>new groundhog hive under tree next to machinery shed
>main hole is right between two roots, there's a small escape hole about 15 feet away
>only have one trap available so set it over the main hole
>leave and come back the next day to check
>bring my AK because why not
>come around the corner of the shed and the tree is in view
>groundhog is out in the open, he must have avoided the trap by going out his escape hole
>sees me walking over, AK in hand
>forgets about the trap and bolts for the main hole
>SNAP
>he's still alive and snarling at me
>deliver a coup de grâce with AK

>>33869702
I always thought the opposite lol.

>>33868730
>Even pests deserve a quick death.
You most certainly do not.

>>33871845
There's an exception to every rule

>>33871709
I can understand but metric and weapons aren't exactly tied. A lot of measures goes imperial, especially with guns.

t. Euro yesguns who have to deal with imperial screws on my US made guns

>>33868706
>boiling oil
what the fuck is wrong with you dick?
it's undead and it's going to torture you the rest of its days for doing such a thing

>>33868706
>>pour boiling peanut oil in hole, terrible screams
Jesus dude, that was the first thing you tried? What's the matter with you?

>>33868706
They make gopher poison, you know. Try that maybe?

>>33871361
Terrible b8.

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>>33868706
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR0sWU1HzTE

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>>33868706
You need this.

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>>33868706
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmHQO-Q_wrU

>>33868706
So your neighbours don't mind you igniting thermite and model rockets but a .22 is going to far?

>>33868730
>When even an attention whore is more honorable than the OP

You fucked up OP.

>>33872010
hence the "failed rocket launch"

>>33872010
>duh guns r scurry

>>33870855
>Michael Douglas.
um, that's Michael Douglas

>>33871518
solid.

I used to have chickens and one little bastard kept coming into my garage and shitting on the floor in there dispite the fact that there was no food or even grass in there to rake through so once after several beers i was fed up and flung an empty bottle its way. I didnt intent to, but the bottom of the bottle hit the little thing square in the beak and spun its head around. I basically wrung it from like 12 feet.

>>33869510
watched a buddy kill a racoon with a M-96 bayonet in his wood shed once. Quite a fight.

>>33868730
This. A quick death is usually the most efficient and painless.

>>33871272
hes not alone

>Boiling peanut oil

Damn dude Peanut oil is expensive use vegetable oil man.

>>33872667
Maybe he was hoping it was allergic?

>>33869438
Only when done right.

You're clearly too retarded for that though.
>>33869510
>woodshuck
Dammit OP your retardation is contagious

>>33868706
You fucking nigger, now he's going to return with a 1911 you donkey!

>>33871957
>O fuck.
>(Exit rodent brain.)

>>33869416
Once upon a time this faggot named OP

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>>33868706

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>>33871898

*apologizes in American*