Home defense fantasies/stories?

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>>33063491
>come home
>hear sounds of pleasure in bedroom
>weird, only my wife should be home
>find home invader ballsdeep, nutting inside my wife
>draw my Makarov EDC
>splatter his brains against the headboard
>throw his corpse off the bed and flip my wife over
>eat the cum from her pussy to prevent her from getting pregnant
>drop trousers and fuck her silly and pregnant her

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Salt as an improvised defense mechanism.
>One day I go to my kitchen to decide what to have for dinner
>Hear someone breaking into the house
>Carefully look out, there's a dude with a bag
>I'm usually not at home this time of the day, he must've known
>So anyway I grab some salt and throw into his face
>The salt gets into his eyes, he covers the face with his hands and stumbles around
>I throw him on the floor, throw some more salt and some pepper into his eyes, and call the cops
>Something's missing
>Take a pinch of red pepper, throw at him
>Yeah that's good, but could be better
>Paprika? Sprinkle a little bit onto him
>Take balsamico, open it
>Nah, won't go well with the other stuff
>Take mustard
>The guy smells it and asks if I could find something else cause he's allergic to it
>wtf you can be allergic to mustard?
>Anyway, I rummage through the fridge, find some wasabi (I live with my brother and he likes sushi)
>Smear that green shit all over his face
>Meanwhile the cops arrive
>There's Gordon Ramsay in full SWAT suit, vest, with guns and shit
>Examines the incapacitated burglar, starts ranting and swearing at me, says it's all shit and I'm not even worthy of being a hot dog vendor
>Well I don't give a fuck
>I give my meat a good ol' rub

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>In my basement
>Wanking to loli furry SFM hentai
>HNNGG.PNG
>Hear a loud bang upstairs
>Must be the feds, bastards learned about my secret pizza.
>Grab AK-47 from wall mount
>Fucking american version
>Pull dragon dildo out of my ass
>Tape it to the muzzle as an impromptu bayonet
>Run upstairs
>Oh poo it's just a nigger with a bag
>Wait for him to bend over to pick up some more stuff
>Rush him and stuff dildo bayonet through his pants, into his tight chocolate bunghole.
>Lift him up with it, and spray the entire magazine into him.
>Call the cops.
>run downstairs, wipe my HDD, hide the dildo in my wall.
>mfw they arrest me for the cheese pizza I have framed on my wall.

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>>33064757
o i am laughing

>>33063491
>sitting downstairs, polishing off a large cheese pizza
>hear crash
>flip pizza like throwing knife, run in the room where the crash was
>see intruder looking at my TV
>throw pizza underhand
>hits him in the asshole, pins him to the wall through his dick
>pull out a sharpened breadstick
>get close to him
>whisper
>"Ill tell the cops you.... Pasta away!"
>stab through the throat

>>33064908

I like this thread. Bump

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>>33063491

>>33063491

pieces of shit getting BTFO

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i'm using these for training CCW