Stealth Fired (this is part one of the story that i have written)

You're on the wrong board, try >>>/lit/. On that note, your sentences are far too long-winded, "cray" doesn't fit the rest of the tone whatsoever, and you changed "Now what" to "What Now".

I was gonna just make fun of you I remembered a classmate who wrote great stories for class if english hadn't been his second language so i'm gonna try and help you smooth this out since I don't know your backstory.

>"You are fired"
Change it to "You're." Unless the character is a foreigner, almost no one speaks without contractions like this. Dialogue has to be natural after all.
Re-write that whole first sentence though. it's a huge run-on.

I suggest leading it into the part where he leaves the building THEN talking about the bond.
>ex: ...were the last words I heard as I walked through the familiar building, one I had worked in for over eight years. Almost a decade. I surrendered my authetication card, looking down at my own name, "Stan" as it exchanged hands, before turning to walk out the front doors.

You can insert more about the time at the company here but honestly, just emphasizing the length of time like I did above will get that point across without getting needlessly wordy. Less is more sometimes with writing.

The part about the smoking employee seems pointless, and why is your character saying "Now what?" to the guy going back inside? That doesn't make sense. A "Hope he fairs better than me.." line would make more sense if this is what you mean by that.

>As I headed to the car, <maybe some description about the sound. Is it a parking garage or just a lot? If it's a company they usually use garages, so describing the foot echoing would help build up the atmosphere for the next part> a chill ran up my spine.

1/2

>>2964935
<Also no, no one confuses the feeling of dread with guilt. Describing it as a pure anxiety feeling that turns more into dread as he turns to see the shadow will be much stronger> I turned back slowly, body stiff with fear as my eyes fell onto a <Descriptor word that isn't bleak because that doesn't work in this context> shadowy figure staring back at me with cold dark eyes (if those were eyes). <you already mentioned him being afraid so don't mention it again, or not with the same word. There's times for repitition that can work well but this is not the way to use it friendo>

So that's how i'd write this if i were to do it just for example. You have a neat idea starting but you need to start using a thesaurus (Just use online ones they're fucking FREE), checking your run-on sentences, and making sure shit flows better. If you were telling this story to a friend, you wouldn't put all of these boring details. Less is more if you use the write wording.

That being said, I don't know how much critique you'll get on /ic/ since it's more of an art board than a writing board, and I don't know if /lit/ is open to that or not but its worth a shot.

Good luck bruh hope this helped you understand what you could be doing a little better.

Also don't use cray like that unless you're writing from the perspective of a teenaged girl from 2007.

2/2

>>2964798
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyzUwdtSous

>>2964798
Shit prose and clunky run on sentences. Go post in the /lit/ critique threads instead, but they'll probably wreck you harder than /ic/ will.

>As I walked near the parking lot and pulled out the keys to enter my car a cold feeling ran through my spine I thought it was guilt at first but then I looked back out of fear and saw a bleak shadow which had a similar figure like mine staring at me with cold dark eyes or at least that’s what I thought they were and as I stared back at them I kinda froze in my position due to fear and I stayed still until it passed leaving traces of cold and fear as I gained back control of my body and entered my car a twenty minute journey began to my home with nothing but absolute fear as my thoughts focused on deciphering who or what the shadow was and also “What Now”
At least proofread this shit before you post it.

>>2964798
find another job retard
sage

>>2964798
Needs more Loomis.

You just needed to use your wrist to do smooth strokes.

>TFW /ic/ critiques writing better than drawing

>>2964798
The word 'as' doesn't mean what you think it means.
It doesn't mean 'while'.
It means 'because'.

Also this is irredeemable trash, it's clear you're an ESL tard and you need to read a lot more.

>story
>no greentext

>>2964798
>“You're fired” were the last words I heard as I left the job where I worked for over 8 years. One can develop a strong bond with a job they hate but money make people do crazy things. As I left the building a fellow employee came over and asked me “What now?” and left abruptly as my former boss called him back. Those two words never left me. I walked near the parking lot, pulled out my keys and a cold feeling ran through my spine. I looked back out of fear and saw a bleak shadowy figure staring at me. I stared back, unable to move. It eventually passed leaving traces of cold as I slowly regained control of my body. I made my way back home but the nightmarish encounter still resided in my mind. "Now what" I thought?

There's still a lot wrong with it but some basic editing and a couple tweaks here and there will take you a long way OP. Esp. for the second half of the paragraph. You told the audience about fear once, you don't have to say it 20 more times and beat them over the head with it. Subtlety will usually convey the tone of your story better than explicitly stating it over and over again. You used "fear" 4 times in like 2 sentences, at least get a thesaurus and use different/more descriptive words. Oh and don't use words like "kinda" and "cray" when narrating your story. They don't mesh with the tone of your story, it could work for some character dialogue (depending on the setting) or if you had an offbeat/quirky narrator. It doesn't really work for this story though.

Work on your grammar, sentence structure and vocab. Your best bet would be to start reading a shit ton of well written books and you'll probably improve just by doing that. And post on /lit/ next time please.

I see at least a few of these a week, I'm not sure if they think their writing is a form of art, or they read it as Artwork OR Critique (of anything). Wish it would change.

n e v e r g o i n g t o m a k e i t