historical burns thread

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>>2758570
Is it true that 3 meme arrows positioned next to Voltaire is enough to crush the autistic germanboo?

>>2758570
Nice.

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>>2758570

I've always liked Bismarck's burn of the British Army when one of his contemporaries was worried that they might intervene in the Prussian war against Denmark:

"If the British Army landed in Europe, I'd call the Belgian police to arrest them"

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>>2758570

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>>2758819
Alternatively

"That's right, you have no husband".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TokB-6JBSro

>>2758813
>Click here
savage to be honest lad

>>2758560
SHIIIIT

>>2758813
that's amazing

>>2758560
wew

>>2758625
>B-BUT MUH DECENTRALIZASHUN

>Stop sending people to kill me! We've already captured five of them, one of them with a bomb and another with a rifle... If you don't stop sending killers, I'll send a very fast working one to Moscow and I certainly won't have to send another.

>>2758560

i don't even like le pen (would have voted melenchon in round 1, abstained round 2 if i were french) but that's a fucking sick burn

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>>2758570

>Molon labe

While not necessarily an insult it was still a pretty bad-ass thing to say.

>>2759184
I don't know this one

>>2759203
"Molon labe" means "come and take them". It was supposedly the Spartans' response to Xerxes' demands that they lay down their weapons.

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From Ulysses S. Grant's memoirs; note that the emphasize is his, not mine.

"It may be that Longstreet was not sent to Knoxville for the reason stated, but because Mr. Davis had an exalted opinion of his own military genius, and thought he saw a chance of “killing two birds with one stone.” On several occasions during the war, Mr. Davis came to the relief of the Union army by means of his SUPERIOR MILITARY GENIUS."

>>2758560
>historical
>>>/pol/

>>2759228
How is this a burn?

>>2759600

White boys can't run.

>>2759422
Constant battle

>>2759184

>While not necessarily an insult it was still a pretty bad-ass thing to say.

Molon labe gets thrown around a lot but the Spartans were some spicy ass dudes. I always loved their exchange with Philip II of Macedon

>"You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city"

>"If"

And neither Philip II or Alexander even tried.

Their history is full of stuff like that too (called laconic phrase or laconism after them).

>>2761342
They didn't try because sparta was an insignificant joke.

Forgot how it went exactly, but when Belisarius responds to the Ostrogothic offer of ceding Sicily, an island that they no longer controlled, for peace by counter offering Britain in the name of the Romans.

>>2758554
>Guernica
Communists deserved it desu

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>>2758554

>His wife, Grace Goodhue Coolidge, recounted that a young woman sitting next to Coolidge at a dinner party confided to him she had bet she could get at least three words of conversation from him. Without looking at her he quietly retorted, "You lose."

Robert Surcouf, a French corsair (privateer), talkingwith a British officer after capturing his ship, the Kent:

British officer: “You French fight for money, while we British fight for honor.”
Robert Surcouf: “Sir, a man fights for what he lacks the most.”

>>2758554
Isn't Guernica fucking huge?

not necessarily burn but more like banter

>"during the Polish-Soviet War, the Polish codebreaking bureau had a group of codebreakers who's only duty was to find Soviet radio signals, and hijack the transmissions, playing readings of Latin bible scriptures and the Polish anthem before ending the transmission."

>>2761347
By Macedonia's time, absolutely. Greece as a whole became one of the shittier areas of the Hellenic world. Why would you waste your life farming rocks in Attica when you could just immigrate to Egypt or Mesopotamia?

>>2761429
Une sauvage, desu Ma famille

My favourite is one attributed to Winston Churchill, whose mannerisms and temperament with people he disliked were often the source of top tier bants. He particularly hated Lady Astor, a member of parliament, and the feeling was mutual.

Reading from the then Duchess of Marlborough's account:

>"...It was therefore unfortunate that on one of Lady Astor’s visits to Blenheim when my son was host Winston should have chosen to appear. The expected result of their encounter was not long in coming; after a heated argument on some trivial matter Nancy, with a fervor whose sincerity could not be doubted, shouted, “If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!” Whereupon Winston with a dry smile and equal fervour replied, “And if I were your husband I would drink it.”

>>2758560
Oo yeah

>>2761488
Another favourite is his interaction with Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw, who reputedly sent him two tickets to his newest production:

>Shaw; "Please find enclosed two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend—if you have one."
>Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second performance—if there is one."

>>2761488
>>2761505
kekked, have heard these before but Churchill is a goldmine of sick burns

>Bessie Braddock, female Labour MP, encounters Winston in the halls of parliament
>Winston's been at the bottle again
>B:"You're drunk. And what's more, you're disgustingly drunk."
>Ch:"And you, madam, are ugly. But when I wake up in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

>some successful British general visiting French court
>at party, French generals turn their backs, won't even look at him
>host apologizes
>"oh it's fine, I've seen their backs before"

>>2761412
Was it autism?

>>2761451
It says it was just a picture.
I doubt Picasso would have let Guernica stay in Paris if the Nazis were a-knocking, they most certainly would've had it destroyed.

>>2761505
Holy fucking shit BTFO

>>2761528
I believe it was Wellington in Vienna.

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>>2761454
Ventrilo Harassment: Twisted Scripture

>>2761566
Absolutely could've been, I don't remember any specific details.

>>2761528
>>2761566
It was Wellesley, talking to Louis XVIII

>>2761583
Fucking what?

>>2761342
And here's them getting burned by Alexander
>When Philip created the league of the Greeks on the pretext of unifying Greece against Persia, the Spartans chose not to join—they had no interest in joining a pan-Greek expedition if it was not under Spartan leadership. Thus, upon the conquest of Persia, Alexander the Great sent to Athens 300 suits of Persian armour with the following inscription "Alexander, son of Philip, and all the Greeks except the Spartans, give these offerings taken from the foreigners who live in Asia".

>>2761412
Sounds like he was on the spectrum

>>2761451
Yes, he did it for the Spanish pavilion of the world's fair and it measures about 12 feet high and 25 feet long. Big ass painting.

>>2761412
so edgy.. LOL

>>2762412
I've got balls of steel.

>>2762586
ZOMFG(who doesnt exists..heh) ikr ??

>>2762593
I suck balls all day just because I like it so much.

>>2762412
I CARRIED AN M-16 AND
I CARRIED AN M-16 AND
I CARRIED AN M-16 AND
I CARRIED AN M-16 AND

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>It is said that, just before the Sino-Soviet split, Nikita Khrushchev had a tense meeting with Zhou Enlai at which he told the latter that he now understood the problem. “I am the son of coal miners,” he said. “You are the descendant of feudal mandarins. We have nothing in common.” “Perhaps we do,” murmured his Chinese antagonist. “What?” blustered Khrushchev. “We are,” responded Zhou, “both traitors to our class.”

Surprised nobody's mentioned this one
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reply_of_the_Zaporozhian_Cossacks

>O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shallt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, fuck thy mother.

>Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!

>So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

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>>2762767

>>2761406
He should have accepted it

>to where are we fleeing my most valiant soldiers?

The emperor Julian to his retreating soldiers at the battle of Argentoratum in 357 AD. His exhortations led to the soldiers turning back and fighting, eventually crushing the Alemanni tribe for decades.

>>2758819
his faces and gesture seem to say "oooh you are burning me, trust me I'm real fucking scared kid"

quote about timoleon, savior of sicily. not so much a burn but still witty

>But since, as it would seem, not only all larks must grow a crest, as Simonides says, but also every democracy a false accuser, even Timoleon was attacked by two of the popular leaders at Syracuse, Laphystius and Demaenetus. 2 Of these, Laphystius once tried to make him give surety that he would appear at a certain trial, and Timoleon would not suffer the citizens to stop the man by their turbulent disapproval; for he himself, he said, had of his own accord endured all his toils and dangers in order that any Syracusan who wished might avail himself of the laws. 3 And when the other, Demaenetus, brought many denunciations in open assembly against his conduct in the field, to him, indeed, Timoleon made no answer, but said he owed thanks to the gods, for he had prayed them that he might live to see the Syracusans gain the right of free speech.

>>2762800
Badass

>>2758560

Kek

>>2762800
It's hard to imagine just how shit-eating of a grin he must've had when asking that. Had to goad the fuck out of those men.

>>2761342

And then the Spartans got turborekt by Macedon's elderly reserve force

>Nazis offer to give Stalin his captured son back in exchange for Friedrich Paulus
>Stalin said "I will not trade a marshal for a lieutenant"

his son died in a camp

>I'd take that deal, if I were Alexander.
>As would I, if I were Parmenion.

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>>2762767
BTFO
T
F
O

>>2762770
shame it's a forgery

>>2762916
Not even the worst burn Yakov got from his dad.

>Their tense relationship was exacerbated when Dzhugashvili and his Jewish fiancée, Zoya Gunina, attempted to inform Stalin of their engagement. According to Dzhugashvili's stepmother Nadezhda Alliluyeva, she saw a young woman running away from the family's Moscow dacha in tears. When Alliluyeva entered the house, she saw a despairing Dzhugashvili, who immediately left to his bedroom. It was revealed that when Dzhugashvili and Gunina told Stalin of their engagement, he became enraged. Stalin's rage caused Gunina's flight from the dacha, and Dzhugashvili to attempt suicide in his room via firearm.

>He missed his heart and hit his lung instead; while his stepmother Alliluyeva tended to his wound and called the doctor, his father is quoted as saying, "He can't even shoot straight"

>A Jew came to Muhammad and said "Death be upon you" (Assamu Alaikum)
>Muhammad said "Wa Alaikum"( I return the greeting)

>Gandhi: I'm so concerned about India, I think about it even in the toilet!
>Jinnah: Yeah, that's why your ideas stink.

>>2763104
*on the street

>>2763087
>"kys"
>"no u"

>>2759130
Tito?

>>2758560
TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?

Charles Guiteau was living with some weird religious sect in Oneida, NY but being a schizo and all even the weirdos hated him and regularly referred to him as "Charles Get Out".

>>2762767
>>When Philip created the league of the Greeks on the pretext of unifying Greece against Persia, the Spartans chose not to join—they had no interest in joining a pan-Greek expedition if it was not under Spartan leadership. Thus, upon the conquest of Persia, Alexander the Great sent to Athens 300 suits of Persian armour with the following inscription "Alexander, son of Philip, and all the Greeks except the Spartans, give these offerings taken from the foreigners who live in Asia".
DAYUM

>>2763515
>Philip II to the Lakedaemonians of Sparta
>You are advised to submit without further delay, for /if/ I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city

>the Spartan response
>if

>neither Philip nor his son Alexander the Great decided to conquer Sparta

>>2759130
It's hardly a burn, just seems edgy

>>2758570
Can someone explain this to me?

>>2763729

>Holy
>Roman
>Empire

>>2763729
Voltaire making fun of the HRE by saying it was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire

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>>2763538
Look mom I posted it again.

Sparta was a huge joke by then and Philip didn't invade mostly due to Pity and because it wasn't worth his time.

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>a parcel of big ugly fat-necked wombat headed, big bellied, magpie legged, narrow hipped, splaw-footed sons of Irish bailiffs or English landlords

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>Mark 5:30/31
>30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
>31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

Jesus absolutely BTFO

>>2758560
Girl power right there.

A foreign diplomat walked into Abraham Lincoln's office while the president was polishing his shoes.

"Mr. President!" the startled diplomat said with disdain, "you black your own boots?"

"Yes," Lincoln said, "whose boots do you black?"

>At a debate in Canada, one of his opponents supporters called out that John A Macdonald was a drunk
>"Yes, but the people would prefer John A. drunk to George Brown sober."

During an opera, one of the guests leaned over to President Calvin Coolidge and whispered "What did you think of the singer's execution?". Coolidge: "I'm all for it."

Einar Tambarskjelve is standing next to his king at the battle of Svolder. Snorre writes: ""Einar stood on the ship deck shooting at the Danes with his bow and arrow when the bow broke. 'What cracked so loud?' said the King. 'Norway off your hands, Lord', answered Einar"

>King Demaratus, being annoyed by someone pestering him with a question concerning who the most exemplary Spartan was, answered "He that is least like you.

>>2765652
"I used to have someone black them for free, but then some asshole had to go and free my black."

>When asked by a woman from Attica, "Why are you Spartan women the only ones who can rule men?", Gorgo replied, "Because we are also the only ones who give birth to men."

If only Spartans were as competent as they were witty.

>>2759184
This line was actually stolen from Charlton Heston in 1999

>>2762570
He painted it with his ass?

>>2761454
Sounds like a pretty fucking retarded thing to waste effort on during a war

>>2761406
But that happens in peace treaties all the time...One side has lost control over a region, they've accepted they're not in a position to take it back, so they sue for peace and attempt to secure some sort of agreement

>>2763538
The modern equivalent to this is North Korea talking shit to the West

>>2765643
Well you can't expect him to allow child labour

>>2762800
>>2762886
>>2762900
genuinely wish he'd been emperor for longer, reckon he could have saved the empire

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>>2758554
This one was during Warring States China.
>Be Yentze, diplomat from the State of Qi.
>Smart as hell but he's a fucking manlet.
>Got posted to the rival of his state, The bigass Kingdom of Chu.
>So he goes to his post to present his credentials to the king.
>The King of Chu hears of this and sought to humble the renowned Yentze by making a small manlet gate on the city wall and orders Yentze to enter this.
>Yentze bows to the guards smiles and says "One uses a dog gate in a dog country, I cannot insult the great Kingdom of Chu by entering the city in any other fashion."
>King pissed off, orders Yentze to be brought to his presence to embarass him at court.
>King "Qi must be scanty in population as its people are short in body, if they were obliged to send you here."
>Yentze just smiles and says "Nay, sire, my country is most populous, it's people renowned for splendor of body and mind. But in Qi we select our ambassadors according to the worth of the country to which they are sent. And I- as your Majesty astutely perceived- am the shortest and least clever man in Qi."

>>2765113
To bad the dress up in dresses and bummed each other

>>2765818
>Qi

How do I pronounce this?

>>2765083
>>2765726
Hey i'm not retarded. I know Sparta was a pathetic shadow of its former self by this point. It was merely a hardcore response and interesting that League of Corinth didn't immediately crush them into the dirt. I like to think their response at least played some part in the decision not to wipe them off the map.

>>2766190
I think it's "Chee".

>>2765818
y..you....

>>2765818
If he was considered a manlet in China during antiquity, think how short he'd be by modern standards

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>>2758554
From the Icelandic Saga of the Confederates:
>Now Styrmir was silenced, but Thorarin stood up.
>Then Egil said, 'Shut up and sit down, Thorarin. Don't say a word, or I'll accuse you of such shameful things that it would be better for you to keep silent. I don't find it funny, though your servants laugh about it, when you sit with your legs tight and rub your thighs together.'
>Thorarin answered, 'Wisdom is welcome, wherever it comes from.'
>Then he sat down and kept quiet.

Translation: "Shut up and sit your ass down before I tell everyone about your baby dick."

>>2761412
And when he died that same women said upon hearing the news

>how could they tell?

>>2763121
Kek

>>2759184
I prefer
>You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city.
>"If."

>>2766615
Would be hot if Thorarin was a girl

>>2766823
>femenine penis

>Just before the Campbeltown exploded, Sam Beattie was being interrogated by a German naval officer who was saying that it wouldn't take very long to repair the damage the Campbeltown has caused. Just at that moment, she went up. Beattie smiled at the officer and said, 'We're not quite as foolish as you think!'

Nancy Astor: If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Winston Churchill:Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

>>2762801
They all have the same face though.

>>2766318
This. Sparta was a shithole, but it also had enough resistance not to be conquered. If it were a weak shithole without the cultural morale that it had, it would have been steamrolled.

It's basically a hedgehog. A lot of small nations try to be like that. The amount of meat you get isn't worth the disproportionate (but hardly an existential threat) injuries you'd sustain to get it. As a small shithole, your goal is to make conquering you to be a pyrrhic victory so nobody bothers in the first place.

>>2765705
Sparta is literally that one kid in class that talks the most shit, then gets his ass kicked by a gay kid, and almost lost to the school nerd