ITT we greentext wars and try to guess what they are >losing

>>1502103
Peloponnesian war?

>>1502103
Russo-Japanese war

>I'm gonna conquer Europe guys!
>Holy shit I'm actually doing it
>Wait
>FUCK, RUSKIES
>FUCK THEM AND THEIR DAMNED WINTER

>You guys thought I was gone lol
>well I am back, time to conquer
>wtf why does everyone hate
>what is this faggot trying to stop me, I'll teach him a lesson
>wtf 2v1?!?!?!

>friend steals all my glory during slave revolt
>Goes around calling himself the great now
>Start campaign to prove myself and spend some of this money I'm sitting on
>Die in desert

>Get the horses ready. I'm going to charge straight for this faggot. Bet he runs like a bitch

>Lose a bunch of battles
>Loss a really important battles
>Come back and win the war

>>1502550
Napoleon?

>>1502566
Definitely Napoleon

>>1502590
Alexander the great?

>lol fuck you guys we do what we want
>hey stop attacking the same region
>guys seriously stop
>oh you took my capital
>everything is destroyed
>fuck it we quit take us back

>>1502592
Eternal Anglo

>>1502592
2nd Punic war?

>>1502614
Yes!

>>1502599
Is it Scandinavian?

>>1502103
Peloponnesian War: Sicily Expedition Edition

>>1502584
Crassus

>holy shit he's back
>how is this even possible
>somebody call Vienna

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>>1502103
More of a first person perspective

>join the army expecting to journey across the dangerous world
>finally finished my months upon months of rigorous training
>in barracks for a few months waiting for orders
>one day in early November command comes in telling us to kit up and bring lots of ammo
>holyfuckherewego
>all of my months of training have finally payed off
>next thing I know the transport truck comes to a halt
>I jump out in a wild frenzy looking left and right
>command tells us to set up the machine guns
> I look out on the horizon looking for the enemy
>all I can see are these big fuck off birds everywhere
>next thing I know we are firing at these fucking birds spraying thousands of rounds
>mfw I spend the next two months killing big fuck off birds
>thisisnotwhyijoinedthearmy

>>1502674
I will be surprised if anyone gets thi

>this "war" actually happened

>>1502632
Ye

>>1502674
>>big birds
>pic of aussies

Emu war?

>be me
>Innanavy
>Sitting in galley
>Hungry as fuck
>Dieter is making soup tonight
>I love soup
>All of the sudden bell starts ringing
>Get to battle station
>Stray cannon ball smashes our side
>"That's really close to the galley"
>Run to check on Dieter
>He has scalded feet and tears in his eyes
>Walls over to chalk board
>Crosses out soup
>Writes salted pork
>No songs were sung that night

>>1502705
Bingo

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>>1502103
>be me, 29
>all I do is win
>win
>win
>???
>lose

>>1502709
The infamous Kettle War.

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>Friendship ended with RAMESES
>Now
>YAHWEH
>is my
>best friend

>Be fresh power on the rise
>Want colonies
>Ship blows up, blame decaying power with colonies
>???
>PROFIT

This is going to be from the perspective of one side of the war

>fire on fort owned by the government
>start kicking ass and chewing bubble gum and I'm all out of bubble gum
>even though winning talk mad shit about one of our best generals
>he goes full retard and does stupid shit in a major battle
>other side starts getting their shit together
>oh fuck oh fuck
>psychotic dude with anger issues basically says fuck all to human rights and code of honor and literally bends me over and makes me his bitch
>lose war
>w-we will be back!

>>1504089
Spanish-American War.

>>1504251
American Civil War

>>1504259
Yeah...I think I should have made it a little harder honestly.

>Hey stop stealing my fucking sailors!
>Alright, since you keep stealing my sailors, I'mma steal yo colonies.
>Oh shit, that didn't work out.
>You still have to stop stealing my fucking sailors, goddamn.

>>1504273
I want to say war of 1812 but I'm probably wrong

>>1502674
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emu_War
Emu war.

>>1504257
Bingo. Could honestly have left out the part about blaming Spain.

>>1502550
Hitler

>>1502590
Wladyslaw III of Poland's death?

>>1504289
Nope, you got it.

I hate niggers

>invade neighboring land
>corn
>fight neighbor
>more corn
>build wall around neighbor's army while he's on a hill top
>corn again
>neighbor's other army comes to fight
>outnumbers us
>corn
>build another wall to keep them away from our first wall
>corn
>corn
>I win!
>corn

>we gotta save Christendom
>so we gotta sack a Christian city and destroy a Christian empire
>centuries later we'll pretend like it was all muslims

>>1506518
Roman conquest of Gaul.

>>1506537
4th Crusade.

>be a budding young officer
>"hey loom our rivals have a shitfort 200 miles away that threatens our claim"
>"lol we should provoke them into conflict"
>get pushed right back out
>"hey we should try again"
>almost 50% killed or wounded
>well shit nigga better start this war
>lose almost every battle
>finally catch the enemy asleep
>the man who started all this shit ends up as leader as an indirect result of the war

>>1504061
Reminder that pretty much nothing in the bible is actual history

>be famous and flashy cavalry officer
>bringing in glory left and right
>new assignment
>pesky natives needs a good thrashing after we kinda fucked up and gave them something valuble
>thinking about the glory. Dick is diamonds!
>have to share it though...
>I shouldn't, have high ambitions after all
>FUCK IT, leeeroy!
>detachment didn't make it here?
>there's too many of them
>only one bullet left...

>haha better put my elephants inude this pike square
>this totally will never backfire
>oh look an empty roman camp
>send my cavalry to steal some pots
>lose the battle
>worstfuckingdayofmylife.jpg

>>1506461
Not a war, but Belgian dominion over Congo?

>>1506726

Little Bighorn

>>1506826
Correct!

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>decide to fuck with one of the wealthiest empires of the time
>arm 50k men and march
>find 100k men blocking the only mountain pass
>say fuck it and lead 25k men trough extremely harsh mountain valleys
>successfully manage to flank 100k men
>they actually surrender
>madman.jpg
>they mad now though
>find 300k men waiting for me
>fucking win while outnumbered 6to1
>plunder so much shit from the enemy capital that I can disregard collecting any tax for the following 3 years straight
FeelsGoodMan

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>>1502550
>winter

>ruskies use winter to win
>the one war in which their enemy used it against them to win
The one nation more northern and badass than Ruskies.

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>>1502103
>boss just wants a job and to get us food
>marches us through the mountains
>we start sacking shit trying to get paid off
>their leader marches his huge as fuck army towards us
>welp
>we hide behind a bunch of our shitty wagons
>the enemy leader doesn't bother waiting to be reinforced and marches his completely knackered army straight up the hill towards us
>we completely obliterate his forces
>mfw I accidentally burnt the enemy leader alive in a cowshed not realising it was him

>>1502103
> waifu gets stolen
> reeEEEE
> cry to mother
> reeEEEE
> refuse to war
> reeEEEE
> people getting killed, idc
> reeEEEE
> manfu gets killed
> reeEEEE!
> goes allahu

>>1509108
Yes, your enemies freezing to death from the season makes you badass.

Sure.

>>1502103
The War of Spanish Succession

>>1509047
Fucking hannibal

>>1502590
medieval land battles in general basically

>Start war over occupied region
>Region is successfully retaken
>Meanwhile the enemy gets pushed back all the way to their capital
>"Since we got this far, let's try to take the capital"
>Fail to take it
>Enemy calls it a legendary victory

>>1509464
>hannibal sacked rome
wtf are you on my man, i want some

>>1509108
Winter war

>>1509966
>mandela effect
soon

>>1506557
George Washington in the french and indian war

>>1502103
the answer is the Peloponnesian War and the Athenian expedition to Sicily.
>>losing to city few hundred miles away on same peninsula
is untrue. There was a truce between athens and sparta at the time, and athens had definitely gotten the better of the fighting before. Going to sicily is what lost athens the war

>>1502103
>be new emperor eager for glory
>ask the oracles if you should attack Persia
>oracle says "hell no you will be pwnt"
>attack Persia anyway
>be pwnt

>>1510555
Lydia-Persian war?

>>1510555
Croesus of Lydia's invasion of Cyrus' Persia.

>oh damn all those cultures we raped and tortured into submission suddenly attacked during our war of succession
>who knew they had some hard feelings about all that

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>>1510743
>>1510764

Close but no Apostate.

>>1510555
Really the oracle said some ambiguous shit.

Every oracle in Herodotus says some fortune cookie bullshit, they all made damn sure well they had their ass covered for any outcome.
>see, told you it'd add to an empire's legacy! Thanks for the gold bowls lol

>>1509571
I feel like this involves the byzantines.

>>1506537
pay denbts Pavlos

>>1510974

Could be Austria

>>1511035
>>1509571

Austria vs the Turks Imean.

>how do i into navy tho
>better just copy the sea jews

>>1511813
japan?

>>1511813
Rome and the first Punic war.

>>1504264
>>1504251
Yeah it was pretty easy to guess as an American

>flee from city, the locals are fucking bigots
>war with that city for a while, eventually conquer it
>"oh boy, this is cool as fuck, lets take the whole thing!"
>takes the whole thing
>In less than two decades your successors rule the largest empire in the area, by a lot

>>1512154
muhammad and mecca, islamic empire

>>1512180
Indeed, more specifically Muhammad and the Rashidun Caliphate

>>1502592
the space race

>>1512095
You got it
>>1512090
Are Americans sea jews now?

>>1509464
>Rome was richer than Egypt/Parthia/Carthage(?)

>>1509428
It does if you're not freezing to death in the same weather...

>>1512237
Around the time of the 2nd Punic War Parthia wasn't very powerful, Carthage I'm not sure about but they certainly ended being more rich than the Carthaginians lmao
Egypt was part of the Ptolemic Empire at that time, so my guess would be they were pretty rich also.
Remember that while in terms of territory the Roman Republic in 200BC wasn't gigantic (it was pretty large though) they absolutely dominated the waters around them.

>>1509371
Death of Valens?

>>1506461
Zulu wars

> me and my buddy both have the same dream
> one of us gotta die
> go into battle
> see my flank losing ground
> put on my purple robe and charge in there like a badass
> die
> buddy wins battle
This one might be a little more obscure my friends

>>1509425
Trojan War
Fucking Achilles

>>1509571
Barbarossa

>>1506781
Pyrrhus?

>>1512474
Battle of Vesuvius

I had to look it up though because i forgot the name.

>>1512529
Got it, I just learned about it from the History of Rome podcast

>>1509047

Alexander the Great's conquest of the Persian Empire?

>>1512493
It's that one battle with an Antiochus that /twg/ loves to meme over.

>>1512541
How is that? I've been looking into podcasts.

I saw the first one is like fiftren minutes and it kind of dissuaded me; I listen to them on the job and Dan Carlin's 2-3 hour podcasts have spoiled me.

>>1502550
Kek I was going to do a Napoleonic war but couldn't be arsed

Napoleon's battle tactics were so shit towards the end of his career, someone should do him in that picture of Messi with a bib stuck over his head saying 'help me Xavi and iniesta' except with "help me central position and muh ordre mixte"

>>1512739
They get a lot better and the production value increases a lot over time. Not a funny-quote-voice-and-explosions EXPERIENCE but definitely worth listening to for a whistlestop tour through the history of the empire. Revolutions is good too.

>we wuz empires and sheet
>those fucking islands right there, we should have those
>lets just nip in there and take them
>wait they're actually going to fight us over these wtf fuck this

>>1512996
Not to mention suddenly abandoning any principles of reform and just making his brothers kings of places he conquered

>>1513028
>>1512996
Wtf happened to him? It's like he stopped giving a fuck

>>1506557
Mexican-American War?

>>1512200
Lol'd

>>1513103
He got old, barely slept, and was tired of it all. The dude could only do so much before not giving a shit..

>>1513279
Sounds like a tortured existence.

>>1512739
Love it, History of Rome is great. listened to it on a 4 hour road trip. Then again on the trip back.

>>1509571
Korean War?

>>1512474
Fuck, I'm remember reading about this. It's Roman, Right?

>>1504251
If I recall correctly, the south was never really winning. Even in the early months, they were getting their shit pushed in out west in keeping with the anaconda plan.

The only reason it seemed otherwise was because journalists focused on the battles near DC, but even there, the Union built an absurd number of forts in a hurry, so there was no real risk of any major cities falling

>>1510535
Ding ding!

>>1513026
Falklands?

>>1513355
Yep

>>1513103
More like the battles just got larger and larger. He fought some of his most famous campaign with a couple of thousand guys; but later on there were hundreds of thousands of fighters in single set piece battles. It was just too much to coordinate.

THat and the non stop wars trained the moral and manpower of the empire, then he lost all his trained experienced guys, all his arty and all his cav in russia. The next two german campaigns, the invasion of France and the Hundred Days were all fought with pretty shitty troops, increasingly shitty commanders, shitty artillery and hardly any cavalry (which was the key to many of Napoleons victory)
Though that is the wrong thread here

>>1502590
The charge of the Light Brigade?

>>1502599
Dubs checked.

Confederacy, in the US civil war?

>>1502634
Napoleon 2: candle light boogaloo

>lose really badly
>just say that you won anyway

>>1514814
The US in Vietnam?

>be rising power, industrializing relatively fast, have far and away the largest army in the region
>Big Ass Neighbour fucks yet again with my little neighbour, kicking his shit in
>THAT HAS TO STOP
>people politely point out to me, that no matter my supposedly military prowress I'm way over my head and Big Ass Neighbour 2 will just use it to assfuck me when I'm least expecting it
>so declare war on Big Ass Neighbour 1 and 2 as well
>send my armies forth, then back, then split them, then decide its retarded, or not?, then got them all eliminated
>say to my fleet to take things easy and avoid full battle, they go on and wage full battle and got destroyed
>oh no, I've lost the war and am about to be invaded
>gamble all on one single card with throwing all my soldiers into one final battle
>lose it ;(
>still continue the war
>WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE (RIVER) BEACHES; WE SHALL FIGHT THEM IN THE JUNGLES
>two years of total war, and my main cities are occupied and my armies destroyed over and over again
>keep fighting with children until the bitter end, until literally the largest part of the population has been killed
>lose war for good, goes from emerging power to shitty irrelevant country, with no infrastructure or military to speak of

>>1514814
Most of the US wars.
The Arab-Israeli Wars

>"OH SHIT THEY FUCKING CUT OFF JENKIN'S EAR WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

>>1502550
>we're going to invade Russia in the winter
>cool, we're winning
>hey, that was pretty easy
>they surrendered
>boy, can you imagine that some people think that Russian winter is magic?

>>1514840
>most of the US wars

Other than the War of 1812, which American war fits that description?

>>1515276
Oh shit, I know this one.

The clue in the name.

The War of What the Fuck.

>>1515276
>"Boy, October sure is a good time for a Revolution"

>>1515288
Vietnam, Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq

>>1514833
War of the Pacific?

>>1514833
>>1515408
Er Uruguayan war. I'm fucking awful with South American wars

>
>
>

>30% of Germans killed

>autism ray
>hyper as fuck

>>1502103
>enemy sends the greatest fleet of history against me
>fugg.jpg
>wait, why the fuck aren't they landing?
>did they just ran into a storm?
>well, whatever, let's do exactly the same

>>1509571
>And we proceeded to lose a shit ton of our territory in the Balkans
>Enemy calls it a legendary victory*

ftfy turkroach

>>1509047

Nader Shah's invasion of the Mughals

You forgot:

>Occupy capital and begin looking for plunder
>Local poo-in-loos start chimping out and attacking our soldiers
>One of the niggers shoots one of my best generals right in front of me
>Get pissed and order my army to start the purge
>Six hours later every road in the town is covered with tens of thousands of poo-in-loo corpses

>BENEVOLENCE

>>1512311
Rome was definitely much richer that Carthage. It's the main reason they won. They had so much more resources.

The Carthaginian Empire was sort of suffering from an economic depression after the first punic war. They had refused to pay their mercenaries and had to fight and intense civil war against them.

Also remember that the Second Punic War was much more a war between the Barca family and Carthage.

>>1515538
>and Carthage
and Rome*

>>1515493
Mongol invasion of Japan

>>1515348
Are you actually retarded? No one says the U.S. won Vietnam, or Korea.
The U.S. definitely won Afghanistan and Iraq, wtf are you talking about? Obviously the post-war strategy was shit (why tf would we go in if we weren't willing to help stabilize their democracy in the long haul?)

>>1515477
Kek the thirty years war

>>1515538
True, although it is worth pointing out that Carthage wasn't an empire but the leading city in a league of cities.

>Carving a swath through a foreign land as I walk around, conquering whatever I feel like
>Want to go pay my respects to a temple
>They won't let me in temple
>Won't even let me into the city
>All because they're a mile off the coast
>And I have no ships
>Well I tell you what i'm gonna do, i'm gonna build a bridge across this water and tell those fuckers to their face
>Take 6 months
>Get some ships
>Breach the wall
>Enslave the women and children
>Crucify 10,000 men on the beaches

At least I got to pray

>>1516287
siege of tyre

>You know what? These niggers aren't paying their fair share. Let's tax the shit out of them.
>While we're at it, fuck food. Let's force them to grow cotton so they will have money to pay their taxes.
>They have sacred forests? Fuck it, it's a forest preserve now. No niggers allowed unless they have permits.
>Oh shit, what do you mean the niggers are revolting and burning down the cotton fields?
>What do you mean they're killing white missionaries?
>What do you mean they think they're immune to bullets?
>Fuck it, let's starve them out.
>2 years and one government disbandment later
>Oh shit, we killed 30% of them. Maybe they'll simmer down if we stop forcing them to grow cotton and liberate some slaves.

>>1502103
>fuck, we're so irrelevant
>I know, let's declare war on everybody and conquer europe! That will make us relevant!
>Hey, this is going pretty well! Let's attack Russia next!
>OH FUCK WHAT HAPPENED EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART

>>1517447
Napoleonic Wars desu

>>1517447
World War II

>hey guys, look at me im the king
>oh look my brother died
>guess I gotta invade some pagans now
>this isnt even fair
>wow im a pretty big dude

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>>1506781

>>1514833
WAR OF THE TRIPLE ALLIANCE or the Paraguayan War
I remember reading about that shit a while ago

>Be trading furs with paleface
>Paleface trades muskets for it
>Decide to invade everything with new guns
>Freak out French
>Freak out British
>Paleface friends who sold us guns get BTFO
>Lose all the territory gained with guns
>Forever irrelevant

>>1517447
Charles XII of Sweden in Russia?

>>1503940

Second Punic war?

>>1502103
>set up foreign venture in neighboring country
>fuckers try to nationalize industry that I started
>European power also invested in my venture tell me to beat the fuckers up
>other neighbor tells me to calm down
>fucker also wants to get in on my hard work.
>destroy their navies
>lol desert combat is easy now
>beat two countries at once
>fuck you I get to keep your coast

>>1517747
bonus hint,
>we used what might be the first purpose built landing craft in history

>>1512604
Sorry, the correct answer was that of >>1515523 , even though I see how someone could find similarities.

>>1517747
>>1517754
The Pacific war between Chile, Peru and Bolivia
>>1514833
>>1517640
One of the blodiest wars ever fought IMO. Paraguay lost almost all it's male population because of that.

>>1510549
Naw, recalling Alcibiades lost them the war.

>be me, a powerful empire
>catholic church wants more money
>ohshitheresy.jpg
>fastforward
>heretics everywhere
>mercenaries everywhere
>why are the swedes and the french here what the fuck
>peace deal breaks my balls irreversibly
>feels bad, man

not hard but fun to type.

>>1517979
30 years war ofcourse!

>>1517727
Beaver war?

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>ayylmao let's conquer Nippon for the epic memes Nobunyaga-sama
>excellent thinking monkey-kun, have some raiisu
Hideyoshi did Sengoku

>>1518263
But of course, indeed.

>>1502103
>Wow, I am only an adopted foreign-half breed barbarian, but the Emperor recognized my skills and talents and fostered my career, making me military governor of the Northwest.
>BETTER LAUNCH A REBELLION.

>>1519107
Dat boi in Britain

>faggot friend tries to beat up this ballsy small kid for sucker punching him
>the kid calls his big brother to help him and he starts driving over
>two of the the brothers friends are sitting there watching the fight
>faggot friend asks me to help him out because its going to be a gangbeat when the kids older brother shows up
>punch one of the guy's watchings girlfriend and then start wailing on both of them before, they hit back and it turns into a wrestling match
>meanwhile the little kid is holding off my faggot friend and the big brother has arrived, but he's drunk and can barely fight
>one of the guys im fighting has a bunch of little kids that show up and start kicking me in the shins
>some random brown guy jumps in and tries to help out
>some asian guy steals my lunch while all this is going on
>the drunk brother starts puking in the gutter and passes out
>after a long time into the fight some cocky guy in a pickup truck shows up blasting music, just as im too tired to continue
>brown guy gets knocked out
>faggot friend gets knocked out
>i have to give up because its now 3 against 1
>they all steal my wallet, car, piss on me and then walk off

>>1517979
The French barely had any military involvement. They simply just funded the Swedes, the Dutch got BTFO though.

>>1519107
Arminius

>>1519854

ww1

>>1519974
It was the french intervention what prevented an imperial counter attack if they had kept only funding the swedes, spain would have just zerg rushed them back to scandinavia

>>1515283
Mongol invasion

>angry neighbour constantly attacks me
>already controls half of my country
>mercenary company comes
>"magna" societas my dick
>a bunch of dirty bandits
>send them anyway
>they actually win
>they always win
>get scared
>turn on them
>now i have no armiy and two angry neighbours
>why.jpg