Feels Thread

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>>10938263
whats this from

i got schizophrenia im fat and try to kill myself twice

I always hide my feelings, and i with i could find some one Who listen to me and understand me

>>10938607
here we are bruh

>tfw you cannot kill yourself anymore because your sister killer herself few weeks ago

My ex is with another guy right now. Our flats overlook the same area, seen them together on her balcony happy and laughing.

She got with him less than a week after we ended, replaced me in an instant.

It hurts

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It doesn't matter how many people tell me "I am your friend anon" I will always feel alone, I just want someone by my side who isn't km away saying "You are nice" I need someone here, someone to hug, I just want a friend to hug, not a friend who I'll never meet in person, I want a hug

I don't know how to maintain a relationship.

>>10939600
fuck

>>10938263
I want to be able to feel bad, but I've felt bad for so long that it doesn't even hurt anymore. My psychologist tells me this is called flattened affect, and I don't care but at least I know it's because I can't anymore.

Sauce on OP's image?

my ex texted me about 2 days ago that she got accepted into Americore with the essays I helped her write. I replied back saying I was proud of her and wanted to start a slow conversation with her but she never texted me back. It sounds like pussy shit when I type it out but fuck i miss her so much. I wish she knew how much I missed her.

>>10940408
Within this serendipitous escape from sensation, there is total clarity, at least.

I wish I could explain to you how and why whatever it is doesn't matter--it just doesn't--but I can't. Please, try to be happy. Try to reconcile everything that's wrong with a recognition of the lack of purpose. There's freedom within that, knowing that preconception or assumption means nothing. How can you feel bad when there's no reason to? If that fails, just resign.

It's better than being dead or feeling nothing. It really, truly is.

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>>10938420
Don't eat, you'll see results

>>10939600
Do the things she would've wanted to do

>>10939688
It will hurt. She is not in your life anymore, treat her that way. Someone you used to know on a balcony is farther away then the person you are seeing.

>>10939844
What have you done about this? Have you gone out, and tried to meet people in person, close to where you live?

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>>10938263

>>10939688
You know what the beautiful part about that is?

after this breakup if you make it all other breaks up will be numb. First love hurts the best and the worst but if you make it every other relationship breakup will be easy and numb.

>>10941592
help helpper

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I have a deteriorating heart condition and no real way to fix it. I can either spend my time comfortably, buying games and going to a concert once in a while with my girlfriend or I can put it all away and save up for surgery that will need to be done again in 5 years if it goes well.
As things are, I'm told I'll make it to but not past 40. A good 15 years away. GF has been talking about having kids before I pass, but I don't want to. I never wanted to be a dad, and if I were to be one the idea that I'd likely die before they're an adult haunts me.
I have no right to make her stay when she wants to start a family and I don't, but I'm scared of losing someone who has been my rock throughout all this.

>tl;dr
>going to die young because of a faulty heart. GF wants kids before I die, but I don't

>>10939688
happen too me before, Its a real shitty feeling, sorry you have to go through that

I have an addictive personality to the point that anything that makes me feel better I do it until it destroys me.

Weed took the best job I ever had, now work in a deadbeat job.

I binge drink alcohol to the point I sent fucked up photos of myself to family and people that shouldn't see it.

I'm on a path of destruction and I have so much regret and pain from my actions I ignore my family in fear of them bringing it up.

I feel nothing anymore and the only way I can truly feel like myself without any worries is to binge drink. I don't know what to do anymore and consider suicide daily.

>>10941952
Sounds like the best idea is to go through with the surgery, what's the percent chance "all will go well?"

>>10941952
is she dead?

>>10938263
I've been looking for a vid where an asian guy is smoking a cigarette, and the other guy, on the camera asks when he started smoking. He aswers that he started 2 year before, and that was when he and his girlfriend boke up. Anyone has this video or know how to find it?

>>10941983
If I'm remembering the stats the doc told me, 4% of paitents die in surgery, 90% percent chance I live a year, 75% for 3 years, 60% for 5 years and by then I'll need a new transplant all over again. And your stats go down if you're a repeat. Honestly, that's pretty likely I'll survive it but that's not what makes me want to avoid doing it. It's $50k for the hospital bills for both before and after surgery, and a $100k bill for the surgery.
I make minimum wage in my country, I could likely get that much cash by the time the surgery was at a "now or never" stage if I work hard but that doesn't leave a lot of room for comfort and enjoying myself. I'd be saving every dollar I could.

>>10941998
I've tried finding the story behind it to no avail, but it definitely looks it.

>>10941952
I'm a idiot on 4chan, but i would work things out with your girl, and talk about what is the right step forward with your relationship, Well i just hope your happy

>>10939688
10939688
I feel you. My ex broke up with me but kept me as a fuck buddy and is now dating a friend of mine who went behind my back.
Note I was there for him when he was getting divorced. And he got with her after I had a seizure.

>>10941982
Don't give up man, i have the same problem too. I choose to dwell in narcotics world instead of going to college like i'm supposed to.
Now i'm stuck in life and my family have that eyes every time they look at me.

My solution is just this, do good deeds, do charity, help people, it'll make you feel better or at least make you feel like you're not such an useless piece of shit.

I have too many mistakes and bad decision that i kept secrets, the consequences haven't come to me but i'm sure once they do it'll destroy me and I'm not prepared for it.

My dad's dead: Heroin mixed with pills overdose, police concluded it was most likely a willingly suicide. I was 7.

My sister has Schizophrenia combined with split personality, she really struggles with daily life. It's really a tough fight with the health department to get her the help she needs.

I don't have contact with my father side of the family, barely my moms side. I have no friends.

My mother has gambling problems and has a large debt.

I have no education, no job, no nothing.

Never really relaxed through my entire life, always had my guard up

I'm 23. I have social anxiety, and anxiety attacks. I've had thoughts of suicide many times, but i can't put my mother and sister through that.

>>10941909
>first love

It's my third proper relationship breakup. Easily the hardest though. Living in the same block of flats as her, having to see her happy with another guy most days, it's making it hard to forget and move on.

But being such a harsh situation to deal with, I do hope it makes me stronger for future relationships once I work my way through this.

>>10941954
What is this song?

>>10942104
suicidal thoughts (nuck Chrois remix)

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i don't consider myself depressed but i want to die
i've lost all motivation since my step mum died in a car crash. and my mum ODed and stepdad killed himself due to it. i live with my dad and he takes drugs.. i hate when he does it i constantly feel like he will drop dead. and i don't have any friends.. i just hate life

>>10941998
She's dead. Blood has pooled underneath her and rigor mortis (stiff limbs)

>>10942300
how does a kid just die like that in the bed

>>10942145
would you want me to be your friend ?

>>10938263
Total manlet here. The 4chan memes didn't help. My self-confidence is destroyed.

>>10943174
I'm not a manlet but even i was made to feel super insecure about my height cause im not 6'2

4chan is cancer for your mental wellbeing basically

>>10940338
underrated shit feel.
I know how it feels, bud.

>>10938263
Oh, god. Is there a version of this with sound?

>>10940338
I think that's even worse than being an incel. Knowing there's some critical sticking point you can't figure out.

I'm in a relationship that clashes. I'm constantly talked down to and judged, trying to fix what she doesn't like about me. And I feel like she just wants me for the financial help and not really an emotional one.

She has a 3 year old son that I've been calling mine for 2 years. I love them both so much, but I'm not happy with how my life is going. Trying to fix myself and find myself, but I don't know if I can with a family involved.

On top of it, I'm terrible with money, My job kills me on a daily, and I've been horrendously depressed for the past 4-5 years now.

TL;DR - I'm in a shifty relationship with a stepson, and I want out but I'm too afraid to lose them if I leave. ps I'm a crybaby booboobeeboo

Dad's dead. Mothers a deadbeat. Family was broken up when I was a child. Sent to live with a string of other people as I grew up. 29 years old. Working a shit job. No prospects. It's the grind. I've been doing it for so long, I'm tired. Renting a place, if I stop working I'll go homeless. Really considering it though. I'm turning 30 in a few months. I am no better off than when I was 18. I have no idea how to get my life together.

Broke up with a girl 8 years ago.
Haven't really had a relationship since then.
5'6, 200 pounds. Pretty much just a completely unnoticeable chubby dude.

Constantly switching between hating myself for not being better and hating everyone else for not letting me be myself.

I don't even know if I want a relationship anymore, it's been that long. I don't know if I'd completely obliterate the person I'd be with, or if they'd obliterate me.

Kind of terrified of having to take care of someone else, because that's always what part of the relationship is about.

The worst bit is, it's not like I don't understand people. Patterns are easy enough to read. What they want is easy enough to understand. That's the problem though: I know I don't fall into any of those parameters. I know I never *have*.

Not even a loner or an autist or some kind of wierdo: i'm working to be a lawyer, I run a major cosplay con on the east coast, I have a lot of friends, but when it comes to a relationship I just don't know how to feel anymore. I never feel wanted or desired so I detest everyone for it.

It's like grandma used to say.
You can make people fear you.
You can make them respect you.
You can make them follow you.
You can make them idolize you.
You can make them help you.
You can even get them to save you.

But you can't make someone desire you.

And anyone I want... they'll never desire me.

>>10941952
>>10941998
>>10942014
>>10942300
This is from some vlogger who's daughter got some terminal disease (i think cancer). He started following her story and shit and pretty much made the channel around her. She'd spent the majority of her illness in the hospital and on the last couple of nights the parents wanted her to pass away in her own bed, not surrounded by doctors and things that go beep. This was i think the last video uploaded to the channel. She died peacefully in her sleep. From memory she was like 5 or 6

>>10941592
Asshole

I have friends. I have a great social life. I have a great job. Great colleagues. But I am so lonely. I have no one to share the happy times with, someone I love. I fell in love with a girl and it clicked. I thought she felt it too... but it was not what I thought.

It was so weird. I used to not recognise signs, but this time I was so sure. All the signs were there, except the physical ones. Anyway, it was not meant to be. I asked her out a few times. We went on two dates but she said "she isn't ready" then said "it's better to be friends".

I said I need distance, since I want a relationship. But she keeps on reaching out to me. But I know it isn't meant to be. I am nothing to her. I know it will pass. I've loved and lost before. I had a great girlfriend before her who left due to long distance we broke up. But now.. it's so weird. Why does this weigh heavier than all the good? I should not worry so much. Life. Life, man.

>>10943276
I feel bad for you man. Maybe being homeless is something you need to go through. Sure, you're living an okay life now but if you really struggle being homeless it can help you with perspective. It could also give you a drive to go improve on yourself. I'm also working a shit job right now and it just made me more focused on starting uni. I wish you the best man, if you need someone to talk to you can send me your discord or steam.

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>>10938263
My father used to tell me of a scare I gave them when I was just 2 years old; I fell off the bed and hit the corner of a table. I was unconscious for a minute and then vomited. They rushed me in for x-rays, but the doctors said it was just a concussion.
When I was 6 my mother started having fainting spells. They scared me. The doctors told her she was anemic and needed to rest.
When I was 8 we were at the store when she fell over. She had a heart attack at age 32; the fainting had been mini-heart attacks. I was holding her hand then the paramedics said her heart stopped. She was in the hospital for over a year. Dad had me live with cousins while he worked 2 jobs to pay for everything.
When mom came home she had almost re-learned how to speak, feed herself, and such - her heart had stopped a long time and she had brain damage. Dad said he could let me stay with cousins and put her in a nursing home, I said it was fine.
From 10 to 14 I took care of mom and dad - cooking, cleaning, laundry. Dad worked 2 jobs to pay for her in-home care while I was at school.
When I was 14 the police came and arrested my dad. $250,000 was missing from one of his jobs and he was assumed to have stolen it for mom's bills. We couldn't afford bail so he stayed in prison. My mom went into a home for people who couldn't pay for care, I barely dodged foster care by staying with my cousins, again.
Every week my aunt would complain about how much she was spending feeding me and clothing me.
Dad's trial kept dragging on and on and I was almost 16 when he was sentenced to 2 years in prison for embezzlement. The company took our house, our car, mom's jewelry - only the wedding rings were left. My aunt wouldn't take me to visit my dad because he was a felon and a thief
more

>>10943400
When I was 16 I started talking to an army recruiter. My aunt happily signed everything as my guardian and I was graduating HS early, so I enlisted at 17 for a 2 year hitch to get the college fund.
I wrote dad every week and told him I believed him that he didn't steal the money. I figured if he had he and I would have had at least enough to eat.
The army was OK, even easy and fun.
Right after Basic I got a message - my mother had died. In the nursing home. Alone. One of the nurses later told me she had been dead 4 hours before they realized. She was just 42 and had been crippled for a decade, alone for years.
About a year after I enlisted the owner of the company dad had worked for was caught stealing. Turned out HE had embezzled the money and framed my dad. 6 months later dad is out, his record is clean, and he's trying to get at least the cash value of all the stuff they took from us. I visited him for 3 weeks and he cried and thanked me for being the only person to believe him.
I was about to get out when he killed himself. The trauma of prison, how everyone but me had abandoned him, my mom dying alone, cold, hungry, and thirsty from neglect... He waited until he got the money he was owed so I'd have it.
I got out and got an apartment and got a job as a security guard while I went to uni
more

>>10943203
I couldnt make it through the whole thing. I've lurked in these threads for years and I never broke down or shed a tear. This left me sobbing. My brothers are getting older now, but they're the most important thing to me.

I lost my mother and sister to heroine. Both oded and killed themselves. Meet the love of my life and she backstabbed me and left me for another man. I fail at all my art. I sometimes have a hard time trying to convince myself not to jump off a bridge into the freeway.

>>10941952
she'd make a nice loli

>>10943427
When I was 20 I started getting headaches. I'd always had them, but these were bad. They were so bad I started drinking to ease the pain. When I realized I was blacking out drunk every night I gave up the drinking.
One morning I woke up and could see lights beyond my peripheral vision. I called 911. When they got there they assumed I was hungover, but I showed them the fridge and the trash. My head hurt so bad I was throwing up. They finally took me to the hospital
The ER doc assumed I was hungover, but agreed to a CAT scan since no one was using it
40 minutes later I was in brain surgery for a cerebral hemorrhage. The fall when I was 2 finally caught up with me.
I was really lucky. I can't see out of my left eye (and it is a really, really "lazy eye"), my left hand only has about about 60% movement and feeling, and my left leg drags, so I need a cane. They put me on anti-seizure meds and steroids to control swelling. For 5 years. The anti-seizures make you lethargic and the steroids make you fat, so by the time I was 26 I weighed 365 lbs at 5'11". I slowly weaned myself off the anti-seizures and then the steroids.
At 29 I was, 5'11", down to 295 lbs. I walked with a limp, had a crippled hand, and wore an eyepatch. Did I mention I was balding?
The memory loss and mood swings (after effects of the hemorrhage) faded by then, too, so I went back to school to finish my BA.
And I still spend too much time in feels threads.

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its like a weird desire to help -
I'm married, 28, 5'4", 130 lbs
my friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend got replaced instantly, I know this feel esp. when the ex claims they've upgraded

I lived with this friend for a long time while they were going thru some things like wanting to transition to being a woman, and a lot of other complicated psychobabble [to me, I try to respect the shit as far as I can, being a southern white dude, but a semi-educated southern white dude]

Long story short I heard he's still living with them and wants to get plastic surgery, and I wanna fuck him and tell him he's not ugly
I have my wife's permission - I share my weird fetish with her and just her, but also its that we know him and why

I don't care it's weird, I just wanna help my friend and tell him even in a way he can feel in his balls that both he's not ugly, and that he's likable enough to wanna fuck at least - and to throw that complicated shit to the dogs, and to cum fuck me and play video games until he moves out of there and finds someone worth a damn
more

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>>10943518
Like, he helped me and my wife a lot thru some complicated financial and familial shit
He's a nice person and wouldn't be wigged out by someone having a sissy thing - ffs he's trans
And though that friendship split and I've been bitter, I want him to know that he used to tell me a good place to keep food is in your friend's stomach
well it's a good place to keep your cock too, dickhead
I bet you're even reading this now
I frankly hope you are

I feel like shit and really don't know what to do and I can't talk about it with anyone...
I have a beautiful girlfriend that I love very much, she's very smart, funny and with a bright future ahead of her, constantly push me to be a better person, going back to school and deal with all my problems (I have ADHD).

Now to get money for uni I'm working in a restaurant and I got to know this girl, she's not particularly beautiful and she seem like a decent person..... and I just can't stop thinking about her. When she's around I feel like I'm 15 again dealing with a crush, I constantly try to impress her, I get super jealous when someone other than me speak to her and even if I'm not directly hitting on her I don't know what I would if she start showing clear interest towards me.
And I already "cheated" on my gf at the very start of the relationship (kissed another girl on a date and she found out about it).
I noticed that I started to unconsciously pushing away my girlfriend, getting annoyed easily and showing disinterest.
To make it worst now my girlfriend recently left to go back home for 2 months, so I'm basically left alone in my house thinking how much of a piece of shit I am, why can't I just let the other girl go, and that I don't deserve my girlfriend or any kind of love nonetheless by anyone. I'm a a cheating asshole and I'm destined to be alone. Fuck me.

>>10938263
wtf man im here trying to jack off and this is the sweetest shit i seen in years lmao

>>10943451
I'm sorry. I know it isn't much but I hope you succeed.

>>10943203
I've been planning to kill myself this entire month.
Well, psychologist sounds better now.

>>10940437
You're good, do me
>>10943518
>>10943556

>Tfw you know you're asking for it but it's actually good advice out of this anon

A friend of mine once introduced me to a friend of hers (we will call her T) and the two of us immediately clicked. Over the next year and a half we spend hours and hours talking, every single day.

T and I talk about our education, our jobs, our hobbies, shitty movies, all sorts. We even talk about moving in with one another, marrying and adopting. We planned a future.

My friend decided she didn't like the relationship. It wasn't that she wanted me (who would?) just that she didn't like the relationship T and I had. So she told T I'd totally mentally and physically abused a crippled girl this one time, and she was there too and saw it so that means she's not lying.
T believed her without a second thought and got a group of her friends to spend a day and a night harassing me through my phone, computer and consoles.

T made me happy when I never am. I had her taken away from me because of some envious bitch.

>>10943570
Go polyamorous. That's how cheating assholes get away with cheating in the 21st century.

>>10943462
Go tie yourself a noose

>>10938263
I feel pathetic because I'm still not over my ex and it's been almost a year. I pretend I'm completely over her during the day, but when I'm alone at night, I still sleep on "my side of the bed"

I still dream about her too.

>>10943674
hope it gets easier man. sometimes you just got to accept that it's over. not an easy thing to do. peace

No father, Mother is bi-polar (mood swings here there and everywhere)
Doesn't trust me
Gf wants to fuck other guys (I got small dick she's had bigger)
I can't find yet even sustain work
Can't focus long enough to hold a convo/ fried n senpai I cant connect
Not good at the one thing I love which is Bass guitar
Life in downward spiral
At least I've got my health

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>>10938263
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FomroPMOKvg

>>10943570
>I'm a a cheating asshole and I'm destined to be alone. Fuck me.

being honest and self-deprecating about it doesn't make it ok. I see way too many people doing this lately, where they openly shit on themselves and accept their crap traits in an effort to garner sympathy or something like that

you force it down deep inside you and eradicate the urge. i don't give a fuck if you're anonymous, openly stating these things is allowing your psyche to bring them to the front of your subconscious instead of buried where it belongs

don't tell people your urges, hide them, don't act on them, pretend they don't exist. being 'honest' and dwelling on this shit only allows it to fester. Do you allow a wound to sit exposed to the air and environment or wrap it tight and douse it in alcohol?

>>10943272
>Raising another mans child
>gf has alpha'd you financially and emotionally

>"hahaha im a cuck and cant figure out why im depressed hahahaha"

>>10943203
Shit like this has kept me alive for the past 8 years.

>>10938263
I think I should care that people close to me are dyeing but i just cannot be bothered.

In 3 or 4 years this will be my first reply to a post. I mostly watch and read without any participation and i like to keep it to myself. But this is too much for me.

Im a regular guy, decent looking, just finished highschool and found a well paid job. Still living with my parents tho.

Things might seem good but recently i broke up with my first love. We been together for last 3 years and she ended it up a month ago. Its been only a month but each day it hurts more than a day before.
Nothing makes me feel safe and cozy anymore. Most of the day i think about all the best moments we had together. She replaced me with a guy i knew. Week after we broke up she told me that the truth, mostly because i constantly tried to get her back. I ignored all the humiliating texts and rejection, bought her lots of flowers and stuff she likes. Never thinked about giving up on her but i just died inside after she told me she is dating somone. To make things worse, she stated that its been going on for last 4 months. Texting, sexting, dating. She even visited his family, parents. Sometimes i stay in my bed for hours and just stare at the sealings. Constantly wishing its just a crazy fucked up dream. I just cant deal with this, i still love her the most. Shit just hurts. I would trade the rest of my life so i could repeat those 3 years with her. My life will never be the same and i need help

>>10943879
Been there bud. Mine just happened a little later in life.

I met her in high school, we moved in together in college, then 2 years later (midway through sophomore year) she left me. I had to finish out the semester I paid for, so I lived with her for 3 months after she broke up with me.

That's 3 months of sleeping on a shitty futon, 10 feet away from what I thought was the love of my life, knowing full well she was probably on her phone texting some chad. She went on a few dates within a month of the break up. She is now in a committed relationship with a guy she always talked about while we were dating.

Meanwhile, my last grandparent died, I dropped out of college, couldn't afford it anymore, had to move in with my sister (slept on her couch), my car broke down, and I tried to kill myself, so now my whole family treats me like they're walking on eggshells.

She broke up with me about 10 months ago and I still can't sleep some nights.

I hope we can both move on soon.

>>10940007
Lost the game

>>10942145
U need to get a job and a hobby brother. U have to have something outside of all the other shit that u derive meaning from. It doesn't matter how arbitrary it is, find that something.

>>10943916

I feel it for you man. To be honest, i never in my life considered suicide as an option but from this point i would just do anything to stop this pain. Almost every tiny daily moment reminds me of her. The feeling when she slept on my chest while watching her fav movies were the best. Im just glad i enjoyed her company to the fullest. Often i waited untill she falls asleep byside so i could watch her relaxed and touch her dark long hair without her nagging about it. Feels good to let it out, but painful to remember. I hope you will get better soon, dont let temporary problems become permanent and itl be ok.

>>10943616
My mum is a psychologist and aunt works in ER and whenever they talk to attempted suicides they say every single one of them regrets it after they go past the point of no return. Whether that be jumping or cutting or hanging, they realise it's not worth dying over.
Find perspective brother. It's a cliche but u could always be worse off, u know?
When u find something, however arbitrary it may be, something that gives u meaning -- gives u reason to be around.
I work a tedious and repetitive job, but i have 3 dogs and I read. Find your way bro.

>>10943879
>>10943916

This is sort of thing is why im seriously considering switching to only dating traps.

Im lucky that I swing that way. All the women i've ever dated ive inevitably had to burn out of my life. Of the two traps ive dated, im still good friends with both and think of both fondly. I was never betrayed or got any ridiculous amount of drama, and I actually felt respected even once the relationship ended which seems rare with women (I broke up with this guy who was the love of my life! now im gonna talk shit about him constantly!) and neither one did that thing where they jumped into dating within a week to make it clear they'd been cheating on me.

Sometimes I suspect that id be a lot happier if i could be full-on gay.

I don't want to be a misogynistic asshole, but its really hard to convince myself to trust 'ordinary' women now. Too much drama, too much betrayal, too much sense of entitlement. Even when you think you can trust someone fully, too many times ive seen it totally turn around.

Hell, I have two different buddies whos girlfriends got mysteriously pregnant the moment it was clear they were thinking about cutting the relationship off. Now theyve got kids, and one of those girls has doubled in size. Fun. Both were meant to be using contraception (pill in one case, condoms in the other.

When you date women, you put a hell of a lot of control in their hands. And what you get back out of it is hardly worth it. I dont want to be stuck raising a child I didnt want because I am contractually obligated by society to date. I'd get myself cut, but that shits expensive.

Yknow what, I've convinced myself. Im going gay from now on. Its traps alone. I'm a chaser now.

Fuck. My. Life.

>>10943400
>>10943427
>>10943449

I'm sorry anon.

>>10941952
This is hearbreaking

>>10943400
>>10943427
>>10943468
this guy deserves the most sympathy out of anybody in the thread

>>10943518
>>10943556
this guy deserves none

>>10942045
Sorry anon.

>>10943203
I wouldn't be surprised if i stumbled upon this on /x/
As much as feels go, it feels sad, but also creepy as fuck

>>10942300
FYI The pooling of blood is called livor mortis

>>10941952
I have 3 girls... this would suck so much.

>>10943400
>My father used to tell me of a scare I gave them when I was just 2 years old; I fell off the bed and hit the corner of a table. I was unconscious for a minute and then vomited.
lmao xD

>>10944082
Good to know that somone has actual plans and changes in their life. Hope that cut turns ok anon

>>10943340
>>10941952
Can you give the source anon?

>>10943203
The only thing that stopped me from killing myself was a gay ass post on tumblr describing the common scenario when your family walks in and finds you dead.

Four years ago, one day before my birthday, I was home alone and felt such urge to kill myself but kept thinking "what would they do?". I grabbed a dull knife and got into the shower, water boiling hot and started to cut in any place I thought wouldn't bleed much, that's what the dull knife was for. At some point I laid on the floor motionless trying to pretend I was dead. Shit went on for like an hour but by the time family got back, I was sitting in front of the computer with a big hoodie on, playing videogames without uttering a word.

Even therapy alone can do wonders. Don't give up!

>>10943674
Don't feel bad about feeling bad. I'm still not over my ex from more than a decade ago.

>>10938263
my boyfriend and i are both being abused in our homes and we can't do jack shit about it. i want to help him so badly but all i can do is hold him when he cries. i want to live with him and have both of our moms just be out of our lives. i can't take this. he can't take this.

we both want to die and all i want is to be able to live my future out with him but its getting harder and harder everyday

i cant fucking do it anymore. he cant fucking do it anymore.

>>10942145
dude holy shit this hit close to home, i got a little teary eyed

>>10942145
No.10944339 here again, dude damn, i feel bad, you can pull threw, try and find the light in the darkness, you WILL find that light in some one and once you do everything will wash away, i believe you can do it, trust me

Over a month a go someone who was a good friend of mine died...
we were best friends in early on in high school, i'd go over to his house almost everyday and slept there many times, got to know his parents and siblings and everything was nice and all..
as time went on i disconnected myself from him, he didnt come to school most of the time and i was making new friends
after high school, maybe even in the last year, he start doing drugs... apparently as time went on, and we even stopped talking, he start using more intense drugs, not sure of what kind but its not just weed..
the thing is, he always more of the "bad boy" and i was more of the "good boy" in our friendship, at first when he just started smoking i tried to stop him, he also started partying which i didnt really like either.. we just became less and less friends

>>10944327
I wish i could help you. its worse than anything to be tied in a place you hate. just look after each other and wait for your day

>>10944390
cont:
when i heard of his death i was shocked. its been over a month and i still cant get my head around it. the reason might be the drugs he used but its not 100% confirmed yet

im a sensative guy, im well aware of that and i dont try to hide it..

since his death i've more than once thought about it, i was and kind of still am feeling thats it my fault

instead of stoping him from all the shit he was doing when we were still close: drinking too much, smoking.. i just got away from him, found new friends

i feel like an asshole, i abandoned him, he was like a brother to me, i feel like if only i've stayed friends with him maybe i could have stopped him from taking those drugs

Been looking for a week I've seen in the feels threat, it's a black and white vignette with a poet reciting one of his poems. If I remember it being about something along the lines of never being able to show emotion

I am deeply in love with my best friend's girlfriend, it actually hurts just to see her.
She recently has started to hug me whenever she meets me and randomly throughout the time we're in the same place. I have started to avoid going out if I know she'll be there because it is unbearable.

>>10943518
>>10943556

Way to be a total pussy.
Talked to him todaym, found out he'd rather be a girl, and make a big deal out of his retarded gender-shit than actually have a good dude drain his balls

Go be a little cuck for some asexual wanna-be when in reality? You wish girls would like you, but you won't work out, or play a sport, or anything - you just let trash pisss all over you and expect people like me and my wife to give a fuck when you try to huff helium to get out of being a fucking pussy forever.

you can get plastic surgery, but FYI? It won't change you're a pussy and can't even put your fingers in a pussy.

>>10941952
I`m also an idiot... I`d breakup with her, if I cared for her, I`d like her to have the best she can

>>10941952
I would have the kid, but that's me, I want kids, I want a lasting legacy.

For you, you should do what makes you happy for your remaining time. You have something most of us don't, and that's an acute sense of your own mortality.

It's not necessarily a good thing, but it can bring clarity too. If being with her makes you happy, be with her, talk about it. If she refuses to be with you without having children, well that's sad. Good luck anon.

>>10941952
Risk the surgery, aim for a positive chance.
Also, don't focus on your death, focus on living while you are there.
15 years can be a long time or a short time.
What are you going to do during that, make your life as memorable and good as possible for you and those people you meet - or, well, there is no alternative.

Maybe during those 15 years you'll find a heart transplant or they'll invent a perfect artificial heart.

>>10943340
It was actually a rare kind of degenerative disease of the brain. The video is supposed to "raise awareness".

>>10942045
It can become better.
I was isolated until about 28, worked my way out of it.
Being social and overcoming that anxiety is a skill.
Most things in life take practice, but with practice you can become better at them.

Friends usually come from shared experiences, work, school, hobbies, places.
Start a short training course, something useful to you and other people.
A 3-5 day first aid course, a carpentry course, anything like that.
Keep doing short courses, then do longer ones.
Apply for jobs, keep applying robotically. Don't give up.
When you have a job, save some money for a new training course, making the courses longer each time.
You will over time build up experience and usefulness for other people.

>>10939844
i thought that was all i needed too

>>10943272
Consider what you value about her.
Is she worth the misery, does the happiness outweigh it.

Sounds like time to leave. Being alone will give you time to concentrate on yourself, and set your direction in life.
Your confidence will raise and you will attract a more worth woman.

>>10943879
Take up new projects, move, do things to challenge yourself.
Find a new job, study for something new.
Do positive things.
Meet lots of new people. I don't mean necessarily to fuck, just people to know.

With time, and lots of new experiences, life will divert and you'll accept it.
Keep going, always keep going forwards.

>>10939688
> replaced me in an instant.

That's women in a nutshell

>>10939688
I think ppl dont replace other ppl in an instant. It takes a time. It just looks like a instant because people only counts the "official" window between the former and the new partner.
I think

>>10941952
I recommend you try ayahuasca. At the very least it'll make you more at peace with your condition, best case is you're somehow cured.

>>10938263
Had a kidney transplant at 5, 24 years later it is giving out and I've had a very tough time getting a new donor. Almost 15 different family members and friends have signed up but no luck with any of them. Been on dialysis for almost 7 months now, the treatments are getting harder and harder on me.

Can't naturally have kids with my wife, IVF costs about $50 grand, neither of our insurance plans will pay a penny for it. Wife would also need to have an invasive surgery to remove her uterine fibroids. Even more costly, surgery would also put her out for 4-6 weeks. Not to mention the risks of complications.

We had to put our dog down last year at the same time I got the news I would need another transplant. Suddenly found out he had a massive hemangiosarcoma in his pancreas, had to put him down the same day.

It isn't all bad, though. Money is not a problem, we got a new dog, we live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, I get to work from home, and there is a potential paired exchange donor, so I may be able to get a new kidney within a year or less.

I know it is cliche but keep your heads up, fellas. Sometimes you catch a break.

>>10941946
Every. single. fucking. time.

>>10941946
>>10943203
These two always get me real close, but can't quite get me there.

>>10943276
Whatever you have going on now is alot better than ever being homeless. Look for a new line of work, move to another city, find a girlfriend. Things can always be worse.

>>10944747
this is the only kind of thing that gets me. My family could all die in a single instant and I'd be able to handle it, but when my dog dies I don't think I'll be able to go on.

Nothing really bad in my life but I've been in an online relationship for 5 years now, didn't meet my SO till before we hit 4 years.

We're both socially awkward NEETs, one (which is me) can work a job but too afraid of driving cause involved in a lot of accidents and just afraid of even just a car passing by while I'm in drivers seat, gripping the handles that hangs at the top in anticipation for a evident crash even tho it never happens. So can't meet him since no driving and not enough money to fly over.

Other side he can drive but too afraid to even answer the phone and talk to people (took me at least a year and a half in relationship to even hear their voice for the first time) so naturally if he can't even talk to people over a phone, he unfortunately can't even handle a job without feeling like his chest will burst.


tl;dr online long distance relationship where we've only met once for a month out of the 60+ months and counting of being "together" with no idea in sight when we could move into one place together to sustain ourselves since we're also both kinda in debt for different reasons (they own a house with their mom and I sometimes get behind in bills for apartment, so anything I make goes to rent)

>>10945153
I think I will dude. Thank you. No troll for real. I need to figure myself out before I can take on a family.

>>10943753
How exactly am I being a cuck by taking care of my girlfriend's child? Because he's another man's kid? Fuck that.

And She hasn't "alpha'd" me. We just get into fights because she's stubborn as fuck. When did I ever say that I don't stand my ground?

Are you fucking MADE of chocolate? You Willy Wonka fuck?

inb4 triggered.

>>10945372
I feel you man. The world's out to get you, but not everyone is a piece of shit. If you can pull through to the end you will know that living is worth it.

I liked this gjrl but she has a boyfriend, so I "gave up" and preferred not investing on that possibility. This other girl, that was a huge friend of mine, told me that she liked me and wanted to have something with me.

What have I done? Instead of saying yes, and upgrading our relationship from very good friends to a couple, I decided to say no. And deep down I know I said no because I still felt like I could find something with this girl I liked.

Basically my dumb ass traded a relationship with an amazing person with status quo. I feel like a huge idiot.

>>10945618
Best way to learn is to fuck up. The only people who look back on life and never say "wow i was a dumb shit back then" are the ones who've never grown.

>>10945606
That's call being a ma, bro.
Good on you.

Some cuck-spewing retard wouldn't understand taking on responsibility

>>10946032
porn blooper reel?

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>>10943203
wat a whiny cunt, get over it, people die sometimes jesus christ

niggers die all the time and you don't hear them bitching about it

>>10946032
jesus christ, women are the worst

>>10943641
If T believed your friend without a second thought and it was all lies, then she's not worth much bro.

>>10942145
The strongest adversity creates the most developed mentality. Use this hatred of drug usage to your advantage, and treat another kid right. The words "Thank you" hit harder than any other drug trip, I promise.

And it is so easy to find a pair of friends nowadays! Get into a stupid fandom, disconnect yourself from societal norms by saying stupid things, and be blissful. You owe it to yourself.

Try Meetup.com. Not every group on there has people that will instantly connect with you, but even a book club can give you a friend for life. Happened to me.

Good luck! We got your back.

>>10943575
Same here. I want to make something pretty like that.

>>10946115
underrated edgy post here.

>>10944732
Was it this? >>10941972

>>10945830
This. Best way to deal with mental problems is to kick yourself in the ass, or to let someone else do it for you. Coddling doesn't help a fucking thing.

Nothing truly horrible has happened to me directly.
Weird little aspie kid bullied and shit for ten years and awkward/terrified enough to have had no real friends till I was 14, but that's nothing new.

Had people kill themselves on the phone with me, had friends relate horrible things to me live. Nothing truly terrible to ME ever happened, but the people around me. Oh boy.

Parents paid my way through school. I've always ever had people trying to understand me and support me, even if it never ever felt that way. I should be doing ok. Should be looking for work now that I graduated college. Should be out finding friends and connecting with people. Should be reading and drawing and gaming and doing everything I used to love.

But I love nothing. I want nothing. I feel nothing. No hope, no anxiety, nothing. Anhedonic. Managed to keep myself from overdrinking and drug use, at least, mostly because as soon as the next day rolls around I realize how much rage and sadness I've been repressing and it goes away if I don't do any drugs. Cutting doesn't help. Hurting people doesn't help. Making people smile doesn't help. The few friends I went through hell to get don't talk to me anymore because I pushed em away. Therapists dismiss me after I can't get through to them, and their cognitive behavioral therapy bullshit does jack.

I'm on the brink of 'starting life.' But I feel like I'm done, and I'm too afraid of dying to kms. I feel like black sludge is pumping through my veins, but that's about it.

I feel my love of music going. As soon as that happens I'm prolly out, because that's the only thing keeping me going atm.

>>10941954
"When I die fuck it I want to go hell..."

I don't like sex. I've never liked sex. I convinced myself to lose my virginity when I was 18 to see what all the fuss was about. I don't understand what other people see in it.

Every GF I've had has been a kind of beard so people will quit asking me questions. I've always questioned my own sexuality. I know I'm not gay, but I can't say I am straight. I'm neither. I kind of like the "idea" of sex, but not the act itself. I like to think about it, and I like jerking off, but I don't like having sex with somebody else.

It's been almost a decade since I had to subject myself to have sex, and I hope I never have to do that act ever again.

>>10946209
your just a self centered faggot, that's ure problem

you have problems cuz you dont mind having them

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>>10946225
maybe u r robot man?

>>10938263
so I happened to be listening to this when I come across this .webm and I got to say it actually fit really nicely.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSBco8kVuZM

>>10943272

I know where you're coming from for the most part. I'm in a relationship that has been less than good. I've been hit and hurt and put down numerous times. She had talked to a bunch of other guys behind my back and sent them pics. We've been on amd off for 10 years and have 2 kids. To me she's absolutely perfect physically but emotionally she's horrible. Has fits and throws things and just makes my anxiety flare up bad. I try my hardest to be there for our kids but most days I want to kill myself. I'm so unhappy and feel like she's with me for the financial help. She's proven she doesn't care if were together. I swear something has to give soon

>>10946225
You might be asexual, or just haven't found someone that makes your body react yet. Maybe explore around a bit with guys just to see.

>>10942145
i feel for you anon, my mom is an alcoholic
and sometimes i also feel like she will drop dead
and i know that feeling sucks, be strong one day it will get better

>>10946243
I explored the possibility of guys when I was in my early twenties. Nope. Nothing exciting or sexy about that at all. Being asexual is a possibility I guess.

The other anon could be right though too - I might just be a self-centered asshole.

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>>10941592
jesus fuck! this isnt YLYL god damn i lost it lmao

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>>10942009

>>10940007
>>10940007
It hurts me that my life experiences have conditioned me so that any talk of suicidal thoughts makes me roll my eyes, scoff, and think so little of what an attention seeking, under-achieving, dependent little cunt needs to signal their likely relatively petty problems to other people. I feel like everyone should just respond to them to get it down with or shut up about it. I didnt always feel that way, I really didnt. Before my attempts I thought suicidal expressions were last attempts at salvation. At looking for help from some location you perhaps cant even imagine. But now I just think of mewling cunts. Im probably right the vast,vast majority of the time, but it still saddens me

>>10946265
Well there's no reason you must have sex with someone (despite social pressure but fuck normies), so accept yourself as you are. You don't have to label your sexuality. You never know what you might come across in the future anyway. Good luck anon.

>>10939844
Ahh fuck me, I guess it's story time, I'm goin through the same shit bro. I'd green text this but I'm on my phone so fuck it.

Had a close friend in high school, knew her from like 3rd or 4th grade but my family moved around a lot so I never really saw her again until high schooschool, and even then I didn't really remember her, still have no memories of her from gradeschool, anyhow, we become close friends and have a few classes together here and there. Was never really good with the ladies, had 2 girlfriends throughout high school both of them very short lived and didn't get very serious, I think the farthest I got was holding hands. My friend who we'll call Angela was always close but I had never really considered her gf material, he was just always a little too weird for my taste. Senior year comes and I enlist in the Navy, orders to boot camp are in the upcoming October, I found out in February, all my friends are really happy for me and she starts getting a lot closer with me. The night of graduation our school had this "project graduation" thing, basically you stay the night at the school where they set up cheesy shit to do so you don't get blasted drunk, it was still pretty fun though. As the night goes on she asked me to do a few events with her and I said sure, thinking it was just friend thing I went along and did tgem, somewhere around 3am (it ended at 5) she asked to speak to me alone away from everyone. (Contd)

>>10941946
>that empty other chair

Usually such a cliche but holy fucking shit can you even imagine the emotions?

https://discord.gg/g7JwKHY

>>10941952
>The nose clean

DEAD

>>10946376
Say okay but then panic and never go. Fast forward to late August same year, getting a lot of stuff ready for me to head out for boot camp. My dad was away for the week and he was super paranoid about people over at the hoise, especially females. She texts me, asks if I want to hang out, say okay, we go to a Chinese buffet a few towns over have a great meal, she was driving me back (didn't have a car at the time) and said she was going to her friends house to sleep over, ask her to hang out at my place just for one movie, she texts her friends saying she'll be late and comes over, we end up watching movies all night and we just cuddle on the couch, make out for the first time but nothing more than that, it was probably the happiest day of my life, it was the farthest I ever got with a girl.
(Contd).

>>10946239
Before i broke up with my 3y gf i had this feeling that somethings not right. She stopped caring and noticing me, was on the phone constantly. I felt like shit countless times but since it was my first relationship i just hoped that its only in my imagination. Later found out she been cheating on me for months, which was a major hit. I remember we even talked about biggest fears and i told her two. Losing her would hurt bad but seeing her happy with other dudes would be heartbraking. I lost hope that i will ever overcome this and i cant look seriously at girls from this point. If you feel ur relationship going downhills and theres nothing you could change, rather end them yourself than wait for unexpected knife in ur back.

>>10946392
(Contd)
But for some reason I just wasn't that into her, thought I could "do better". Don't call or text her after that night. End up kind of forgetting about the whole thing. Go to boot camp in October and my advanced training after that in Florida. Diagnosed with clinical depression 8 months into my contract and get sent home. We talked a few times while I was in, just basic "hey what's up" stuff, later on she said when I got back we would have to go see a movie together. Get back in June of this year, actually start to really like her, feel like I could actually see a relationship with her. Text her a few times but she busy all the time holding down 3 jobs. Eventually we do meet up after one of her days at work, go to her house, cuddle and watch Arrested Development, haven't felt a female this close to me in almost a year, feels amazing, for once in my life I feel loved. Have to leave around midnight, she had work in the morning and my dad is still a paranoid fuck. Text her the next day and she responds, the day after that takes her 2 days etc etc. come to now, every time I try to contact ends in silence, feel alone again, feel unloved, just want to hold someone close but know that I never will again, not like what her and I had, that was special, it's the worst pain you can possibly imagine.

>>10943203
Yeah this got close, I attempted suicide 9 days after moving out of my folks house. It was always a background thought that expanded and became a notion so vibrant when I was suddenly not in a situation where theyd end up finding me in their home

i RARELY post on here. I don't have a story to contribute but I honestly wish the best for everyone here.

I read every single post, and it put a lot of things in perspective for me. At the end of the day, we're all just people, and just by looking at somebody, it'd probably very difficult to tell if anyone has gone through or is going through any of what ya'll experienced.

I'm not an asshole by any means, but I'm definitely going to try to be a better person to others.

>>10946479
Thanks man, that actually brought a year to my eye, I think we all need to do a little of that, we're all fight ing our own battles,best not to add to others

>>10938263
About 2 years ago I was having the best times of my life so far with my ex, I had never felt so happy.

Fast forward to now, I'm jerking off to porn on 4chan, afraid of entering relationships, while she has been with 3 more dudes after me.

First, I wish the best for all of you anons.

I've been used as other accessory by many women, that sucks a lot.

Typically, they seduce me to gain interest on them to "upgrade" as commented above, then they return with their ex's or look for another guy, across the time I learned that they just were feeding their egos in everyway posible, giving themselves value at my expense.

Particullary one girl, she tricked me over a period of 4 years, that experience is keeping me away from many girls, the last one was aware of that girl I mentioned earlier, and she ended up doing the same shit.

My question is: Am I doing something wrong? Or they are wrong?

>>10946401
You have any IRL friends? Or a therapist? Saying these words out loud make for a different experience. Helps you realize some things. Maybe life is telling you to focus on intimate relationships later? Not to forget about the possibility of love, but instead to sideline it for the time being? For you to focus on YOU? Take it easy, and don't think loneliness is forever.

Hope the military goes well for you, buddy. We should have more threads like this.

>>10941946
Oh this is fucked up, I came to /gif/ to rub one out and then I see this shit.

I have a soft spot for old people, so shit like this just hits me directly in the soul. I just want to go give that old guy a hug

>>10943674
it happens to all of us anon, I do the samething at night envisioning she will be there on the other side when I roll over, one day that side there will be her, the person you were destined to be with from start have hope anon hang in there you're worth it

>>10946553
I know the pain anon I know the pain it is the worst, but the real woman is out there deep down you know she is and she will come naturally hang in there

>>10942948
>>10944000
>>10944339
>>10946260
thanks anons

>>10946674
I think manipulative people can sniff out what they view as 'easy marks' (compassionate, empathic, 'do the right thing' people) and get to work. I'm sure there is a screening process you can develop to help you stop them dead in their tracks and allow you to find good people. Something like, look over your past experiences with these shitty women. What actions made them shitty? Were there any behaviors that you can look back in retrospect as red flags etc.

>>10946032
Source please.

>>10946714
Thanks for the support anon, hope you're right.

>>10946225
I'm sort of getting to that point.

I used to be in that furry fandom when I was a smaller teen. The idea of creating an internet alias and acting as it was fun to me, it's fun for a lot of people, but that shit gets tied in with sexuality in a fucking snap.

I was a kik fiend, showing my underage body to quite literally anyone who would even want to speak to me. The people I knew within that environment groomed me, turning me into an underdeveloped whore, and I thought this was my doing for the longest time. It got so much worse when you get to meetups, realizing these guys could pin you down in a moment and destroy the little innocence you already had.

I've been having such strong feelings of regret when I do anything primal, sex specifically. I hate to eat while looking into my eyes in a mirror, because I tend to mimic the actions of a carnivore. Maybe it was since I was so animalistic during this time, that I desperately want to prove to myself that I'm more sophisticated than that.

Tbh I don't know if I can even be comfortable with my own skin anymore. I've stayed awake some nights thinking about the possibility of genital mutilation, and how I would need to stop my intake of testosterone to never get those fucked up thoughts again.

If you know young kids getting into those online environments, please try to push them into another direction. It is more malicious than you can believe.

>>10946722
Hahaha sadly you described me perfectly, but you saw an unseen weakness from my perspective. The red flag could be kind of hard to distinguish, I cut communication with the last one because she was being indiferent, the problem here is the earlier action only happened after 2 months, must appear more red flags before or even at the start, but I barely notice them.

Thanks anon.

>>10946798
No problems anon, I'm working on learning to recognize red flags earlier myself. We just have to keep paying attention and we can get better.

>>10944427
You can't pin that on yourself. It isn't fair. You made your attempts to turn him away from that behaviour, and that alone makes you a wonderful friend. If he could see you right now, he'd be happy that you didn't share his path. Take some flowers to his grave. Talk to him a little bit. You'll learn some stuff about yourself, too. Remember that it is never too late to rekindle a friendship.

Stay safe, friend.

>>10946479
Good shit. I hope for the best.

Fuck it, might as well post it somewhere. I completely failed my spring semester of college enough to be kicked from the university. I was a depressed piece of shit, still am, and couldn't get myself out of my bed to go to classes or hardly even eat. I was considering suicide for most of the semester, but something kept me from taking that last step. Maybe fear, maybe the pain my friends and family would feel, regardless, I'm still here. I'm nervous to tell my parents about any of it, but I know they'll have to know sometime, I just don't know where to start it all, or even how.

>>10938263
Just a fucking reminder to all you cunts with your book sized repies. I'm trying to jerk it and passing this thread takes a fucking year. So stop pls

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I think humans are a disgusting worthless lot. Drinking no longer numbs the pain of my depression. I can't maintain a relationship because I can barely take care of myself let alone somebody else. I want to just fade away.

>>10946209
Maybe you need a change of environment. When I plateau, I try something completely different than what I normally experience, and that in itself usually allows me to continue, allowing me to look at my work with a different perspective. Try traveling, even if it's to a place nearby, it will still be a change of scenery. You only care about nothing since everything you give yourself is forgettable. You are what you eat, and you aren't giving your soul a very good diet.

Hang in there! If I could give you some fudge or a sweet smelling flower I would.

>>10939688
Clearly she was cheating

>>10947012
Carl Sagan looks down on earth again thinking that he is Zeus, to tell us how worthless we are.

>>10946967
Try for a job at a grocery store. People will always need food.

>>10942145
this is drivel and you should do a backflip off a building

i have friends but i'm always alone.
i 'm fat. well, not that much, but a bit chubby and its just enough to be in the unattractive category.
everyone i get close to, leaves.

recently, my female best friend, who i also had a huge crush on, just dumped me from her life.
it was like lightning from a sunlit sky, i don't know what i did wrong, it just happened.

before that, we would talk about each other, our issues, everything. it was like a dream relationship, kinda. at least i know it was for me. it kept me going, i was happy.
she even sent me some sexy pictures.

i was starting to heal from a 12 years long cycle of never ening depression, self hate, melancholia, etc. and she just fucking comes and ruins everything!!!!!!! i fucking hate her! but i love her so much, as a friend and as something more.
I'm getting closer to my suicidal tendencies, already tried to finish it 3 times, never told anyone, and of course never could get to the final step.

she told me something about she being too positive and me being too negative though. she was my medicine, she was my therapy, and she knew it. and she fucked me up anyways and left me to rot.

she got a boyfriend afterwards, shortly, recently he dumped her ass so hard she was left broken. i hoped perhaps she would come to me for support like she always did but no.

a few days after that, one of our cats died....

i don't know what to do anymore, i'm so tired of everything, if this is my life i don't want to go on living it. everything is shit, nothing good ever happens. where is my love, where is my happiness, where is my reason to live?

i'm living at home for 2 years now doing nothing but playing vidya to numb the pain and help keep the bad thoughts away, every night i just bury myself under the sheets and almost cry.

Gave up a promising position as an ameture skateboarder and metal vocalist to complete school/university and focus on a relationship with the girl I love.

Two best buds I used to skate with died in the same car accident a few years back. Never got over it.

Other close friends all followed musical pursuits of bands I started or influenced into being, are now a professional international metal act living off their music. Don't see em anymore.

Got a job and assumed I'd be better off than my friends who just make music. Worked two jobs since February this year. Neither have paid me, both unpaid internships, and I can't find other work.

Girl I decided to spend 6 years of my life forming a relationship now lives with me. Treats me like dirt every single day, but everyone on the outside of the relationship thinks she is gold and tells me how lucky I am. Used to think I just had to be better and she would treat me accordingly. She doesn't, and I'm being the best I possibly can. I love her too much to leave, but she really destroys the core of me. Tells me I'm not a man, passively aggressively blames me for her father being a piece of shit, has on occasion casually explained that she doesn't think she loves me anymore.

Feel like I tried to do everything rifht, and ended up achieving the opposite.

>>10947055
Aren't we?

>>10941952
Have kids man. Your girl sounds like a cool lady, even if you pass before they're adults, they'll be able to handle it with a good mom, and she'll have at least some part of you in the world still.

I'm not a dad myself, but everything I've seen and heard leads me to believe it's better than we can imagine. I think you'd be glad you did it. It would be painful, but ultimately a positive thing.

>>10944043
You don't actually believe that do you? Not one. Not a single one.

Imagine if scientific evidence came out that 50% of people that were saved from suicide resented it. Imagine the headlines "Half of suicide attempts say they will gladly do it again!"

Imagine what would happen. You know it.

That evidence will never ever be published. No mainstream psychologist would ever admit even a single case. A relative surely would happily spread a white lie to you if they thought it would keep you alive.

It's selfishness. Selfishness of people that want to see people alive when they might be better off dead. They would rather lie and let people suffer than to let them go.

There is reason and there is emotion. Nothing inherently has meaning until we give it meaning. Nothing makes life worth living unless we believe it. We can bend and warp our perspectives to make ourselves think we are doing the right thing. Many evil acts start and end that way. A wifebeater with the perspective he is disciplining, a rapist with the perspective of implied consent, a psychologist with the perspective of saving lives being more important than preventing suffering.

Then there is reason. We created whole fields to make accurate decisions without emotion. Sometimes life isn't worth living. Let's not lie about that. Sometimes what problems a person has is permanent and death is a better option.

There is nothing wrong with limiting suffering and allowing people to pursue their own will. There is something wrong with lying to yourself, lying to others, and thinking that an engineered perspective is the same as reality.

>>10943400
>>10943427
>>10943468
I'm really sorry for you anon. Stay strong.

>>10943203
Thank you

I feel for you anons. Get better. GL

>>10944043
reminded me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEacGiMO3K0

>>10947256
You just reminded me of an elderly lady I knew. She confided to me that a previous suicide attempt (filling the car with exhaust) had failed. She was then shipped off to a nursing home. She did not regret her attempt, the only thing stopping her from trying again was that if it wouldn't work and she would end up a vegetable or punished. I wish I could have helped her end it peacefully.

>>10941592
this hits me right in the feels, i never asked for these feels anon. thanks alot

>>10943203
I needed to hear that.

>>10946178
yes! thank you, I wasn't able to view WEBMs earlier but thank you fro the referral

>>10947847
no problemo

>>10946032
Oh man, those poor guys on that set. Like i bet you could fucking hear the blood rush outta the guys dick.

>>10946401
Nice story but if your father is paranoid after you've been to boot camp and graduated you should honestly try to talk to him about it. Maturity and independance kinda is a serious element about having friends and going through nice times with them

>>10944747
goddamn I always lose

>>10943713
I don't have solutions but I can at least help you with the bass guitar, since I'm in college studying that. Basically we learn studying jazz harmony and auxiliary keyboard classes,
http://davidvaldez.blogspot.ie/2006/04/berklee-jazz-harmony-1-4.html this book is very good for harmony so i hear, don't forget to transcribe a load of music too, not just bass, and try to understand what you're playing in the context of the entire piece, (that's why we learn piano, you can't not do that on piano, particularly in R'n'B and jazz)

>>10941952
Thank you anon

>>10943741
Dude. Wow. I'm going to learn that song.

I'm a lazy fuck, i have bad teeth, somewhat ugly, my mother is a fucking nutcase, i feel like i have 0 friends, my favourite uncle died of cancer in January, i always need to know what other people think of me, i'm younger than my classmates, my life is being a damn clusterfuck of college and personal problems.

>>10938263
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CzcOcBb_ms

>>10939688
Train.make her regret it . my gf cheated on me 2 months ago. Im training and close to fucking her friend as result .revenge ia better when prepared

>>10949486
teach me master

>>10949486
revenge is the best choice in these situations

>>10942009
Professional DotA 2 player. Part of some old series valve did as a promotional, I believe.

>>10944207
Unfortunately i cant remember the name of the channel but it shouldn't be hard to find. As mentioned in >>10945109 he did it to raise awareness of the rare disease

>>10939688
Seduce and steal her new boyfriend. Its the truest revenge

>>10946032
sauce, who is she? What did they said and triggered this?

cant believe im gonna open up on 4chan... quite a desperate and pathetic move, eh?
Anyway, I've been diagnosed with depression when i was 12, 9 years ago. My brain does not produce dopamine and serotonine in amounts that they should be produced, cannot remember the details of it desu. Im on and off on different meds, but its getting steadily worse with each day, my need for sleep getting greater, my energy getting drained from everything in alarmingly quick pace. I need around 18 hours of sleep now to function at all, and the remaining 6 hours are often spent crying and overeating. I had a lovely girlfriend not that long ago. we'd been friends for 5 years before getting together. It was marvelous. For the first time i felt really happy, and for the first time ever i stopped repressing my feelings with her. I could be angry, sad, happy, tired, everything - for the first time in my life i didnt hide who i am and what i feel, i knew that she could understand, that she would accept.
Then there came the crash. She learned that she probably wont be able to have children due to a genetic condition, and children were her greatest dream. She also was diagnosed with diabetes. She finally came to the point where she had to question whether she really is bi, or maybe she is simply a lesbian. Everything at the same time, and at the same time i also had one of the biggest depression hits ever. She couldnt be with me. We are still in touch, talking, and every conversation hurts, but at the same time its something that i would never exchange for anything. Any minute spent talking with her, even now, is more precious than weeks of loneliness. But its the loneliness that endures. I feel fragmented inside, shattered. The emotions that i started to express with her dont want to be repressed again, my meds stopped working, im unable to function. I really love reading but i cannot read, i really just cant, its too excruciatingly exhausting. I wish i were dead, i wish i could do something

>>10950749
i dont wish to be happy, i know i wont be. I just wish i had a day, one day, to feel alive, to have energy to smile, laugh, go for a walk, meet up with friends if any of them are still left...

wanted a gf for a year, tought that would change how i feel. Found one, broke up with her 4 days later,because feel guilty for trying to feel good. Wtf brain?

>>10950777
story?

>>10950796
other people wont change anything, its you who has to change first.

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>>10950807
dont know, must be fucked up

>>10950822
i know, i tried so many times, im afraid i just became numb, and that there is no help, im not depressed, not sad, just fucking numb

>>10950777

The word "Shit" has never been so expressive.

>>10950769
>>10950770
>>10950773
these are great but posted in every single feels thread

does anyone have a youtube video, where a guy dies and speaks to god, asking him about howmany times hes jacked and such things, and ends up realise he let hes true love slip by him?

I'm on nofap but I'm ridiculously horny and I have no access to women yet. have a few I'm talking to but idk if I can convert. what do

>>10950756
Hav you tried powder?

>>10941952
have some kids, nothing can go wrong, and people will have reason to talk about you even after you're gone. Not only that but having children is the greatest feeling in the world, it might do you some good

>>10950956
my meds are stronger, they just work on serotonine not dopamine. But it doesnt help

Whenever shit starts going right in life I make sure to sabotage everything by alienating myself from society and indulging in my shitty addictions. REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

There's this girl in my uni that I'm really good friends with. I've opened up to her and she's always given me good advice relating to my issues. I genuinely ove her and I think she likes me as well, but i'm too scared of asking her out and because of this my mood wil change a lot. Like i'll be happy with her for 2-3 days but the rest of the week i'll act sour because I want her to be my gf but she's not. I'm scared of asking her out because I don't want stuff to go bad if she isn't interested. What do I do bros, please gimme some advice. This is already taking a toll on me mentally and my studies are getting fucked

>>10946032
shit, i had a boner

I want to die

>>10951007
Congratulations, you're already fucking up a good friendship by worrying about maybe not moving it up to a good romantic relationship because you won't sack up and ask her how she feels about you. Whatever it is you fear not having, take a good look at what you risk losing.

If she isn't interested she will tell you as soon as you ask. If you are really friends you can both learn to get past it if she doesn't see you that way. If she's into you then congrats, turns out having some guts was the right call.

I can't tell you how many times I was in your shoes Anon. I damaged a lot of good friendships by not being honest about what I wanted, or not taking 'no' for an answer. Eventually I discovered that the world doesn't end if someone isn't into you, and you are never as in love as you think you are.

Last piece of advice: If you don't want things to go south when you bring this stuff up then don't leave her with no avenue of retreat. No ultimatums or weird 'romantic' gestures.

Be honest and remind her that you are her friend. Let her know you're not about to go full bunny-boiler if things don't work out. Who knows, maybe a 'no' today will lead to her thinking of you differently in the future. A seed planted etc.

Also, get a haircut and put on a fresh shirt. Can't fucking hurt, can it?

>>10944747

had to put my dog down this year. fucking got me hard

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I think everything's going to be just fine. After all, I've got you guys.

>>10950777
There are few things that piss me off but the second a fully grown man hits a child I go up the fucking wall, how can you actually be this much of a sack of shit, i hope he got assblasted for the rest of his life in jail.

>>10951113
I want to shoot him in the kneecaps

>>10950807
pretty obvious the guy was a alcoholic who beat his wife and her children, it sounds like he knocked out the four year old and stole the baby from what the girl says.

>>10941952
Have kids
Why?
Mother died of cancer (fought it for 14 year, whilst also dealing with abusive and horrible husband (dad)) month before 16th birthday
Trust me when I say have kids. The single reason she fought it till the end was because she wanted to have someone to miss her when she was gone. So fucking do it.

>>10946032
someone will not get paid.... useless cunt

>>10941952
Don't have kids if the thought of not being able to be there for them is haunting you. Kids aren't for everyone and you have your own life to worry about right now.

If I were you I'd fight for every last year I could get, but there's no shame in choosing to die when you feel right. We spend so much time trying to stave off death that we never accept the possibility that staying alive and in pain is worse. No matter what, enjoy every second you have left. You can fit more living in 5 years than many people fit in 40 if you know what your time is really worth, and it sounds like you do.

>>10950807

Her name is Lisa Floyd. Everyone survived. Her step father was just an abusive piece of shit.

>>10946336
Source?

I buried both of my brothers in the last 3 months.

They both committed suicide. The only thing keeping me here is seeing how much hurt it brings your family when you leave early.

It still really fucking hurts.

>>10943272
Seriously get out. Experiencing what you are experiencing is a BAD relationship.
Some of the consequences of leaving may be unpleasant.
But let me tell you, you will be so much happier, and those things will be easier if you have someone who is supportive and caring on your side.

nothing is close to the feeling of loving someone and having them love you too

>>10943320
honestly the only thing to do is break your pattern with an act of will

just workout, if your too embarrassed to go to a gym, buy weights and do it at home

the height thing is just a meme by the way

>>10950814
I have no fucking clue why this made me lose

I keep a plant in my room and I've grown attached to it because it reminds me to never give up, it's entirely dependant upon me for life and I've never let him down. His name is bill and I'll be sad once he dies of old age.

>24 bi
>low confidence/unreasonably high standards so never ask anyone out
>acceptable male shows interest
>ignore at first but eventually start messing around
>start feeling too hard early on
>within a month or two it flips; suddenly really over this male, find him annoying as fuck
>show less and less interest, eventually ditch him completely
>back to being single and doing nothing at all about it
>feel weird about the entire situation
>sad i don't get any more dick

>>10951223
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fC74gSReUtE

>>10950770
Strive to be like chicity, what a fucking man

>>10946336
>>10951223
I believe it's from the "Free to Play" movie by Steam about the Dota 2 pro scene during The International.

Objectively, things have been going alright. Moved to a new place, a new start. I have a girlfriend and I'm so in love... but it never gets better. Every day I wake up wanting to die, every day at work I want to die, at night I lay awake for hours, knowing that the lack of sleep will make tomorrow even worse than it already will be. I can't remember the last time what it was like to feel happy, to like myself, to look in the mirror without being disgusted. Every day all I do is exist, and existing is exhausting. I'm so tired of being tired. I wish I could end it, but I can't put my family through even more pain. I worry about what will happen when I lose interest in the things that keep me going.

>>10941942
sauce on the song?

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>>10941952
go out big, dont just fade away. Do it for the lolz and stream that shit for us

>>10938263
My dad pulled me out of a pool when I was 5. Grandma gave me CPR and brought me back.

I've struggled with depression for 20 years, but I promised to myself that I would not an hero before dad and gran died, since I owed them as much. Grandma died in 2010, dad just got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and won't make it to 2018.

Soon...

>>10938263
>in relationship of 5.5 years, shes undoubtedly the one
>no fights, good sex life, socially compatible, similar personalities, gorgeous, great sense of humor etc. literally perfect for me.
>I am pursuing dream of becoming a doctor
>apply to medical schools, and judging by my statistics, I have a decent chance of getting accepted to the school in my home town
>Secretly buy an engagement ring for my gf to show her how much she means to me
>get engaged thinking ill be able to attend school close to home
>One of the happiest times of our lives
>a month later
>REJECTED
>make the best of it and get accepted to a school 2 hours away
>we were planning a wedding for this summer, but this delays it 2 years
>pretend everything is fine and we put the thought out of our minds
>The days become months and before long I am in my final week at home before moving
>The thought of leaving her here alone and going long distance hurts like hell
>Like the worst emotional pain ive ever experienced
>we've both cried over it more than I would ever admit
>Im secretly terrified that the intense stress of medical school and long distance will ruin an amazing relationship and make us drift apart
>We have a visiting plan but im worried that it will fall to the wayside when our school/work schedules start acting up
>im literally fighting the clock to spend as much time as possible with her before i move this saturday because Im scared to leave her
Im incredibly happy to have a girl who truly loves me and be able to pursue my dream job, but im scared that ill be put in a position where I will have to choose one or the other. Either I give up on the love of my life or quit my dream job that I have worked years to achieve. I know I cant quit because I would be miserable working anywhere else and I know she wouldn't let me if I tried.

I dont want to tell her because I dont want her to worry but I'm honestly scared to death. I just don't understand why this had to happen to us....

>>10938263
I have paranoid schizophrenia and heavy depersonalization and I feel like these past few weeks have just been one long episode. I can't tell what's real and most of the time i'm with anyone else I can't enjoy it or even process what they're saying. I just always have this prevailing feeling that nothing is real and this world is just a projection of my own thoughts and all of the disorders and science to explain my feelings are just an effort by my brain to keep myself sane. I feel bad complaining here, though, nothing really traumatic has ever really happened to me, I just can't be happy and I can't get over myself. I just feel like I'm on repeat waking up and doing the same things I did yesterday or something a bit different.

>>10951384
Hey man, I feel you. You sound Like you're going through a lot of what I was going through. You understand how certain habits will fuck up your brain chemistry. Uneven sleep schedule, staying in your room, drinking. All contribute to whack brain chemistry.

You need to ask your parents and loved ones to help you see a doctor and get pills, and/Or see a therapist man. I'm not a perfect man now. Things still seem really shitty. But I dont think about suicide at all anymore. You need to reach out. Just make one call, set up one appointment. That will turn into take one pill, run one block, set one alarm. It will get better. But you need to talk to your parents/a loved one and let them help you set up a doctor's appointment.

You're not weak. You have some fucked brain chemistry. And it's a positive feedback loop. Your brain chem is off, so you don't sleep as well, which fucks with your brain chem more, which makes you feel worse, and on and on. You can break the cycle, but only little by little. A Dr. Appointment is the first step to getting those chemicals in enough of an order that you might be able to go to sleep right.

>>10940414
I feel the same dude

Shit. My ex is allso like this.
We talk, normaly, I start the conversation, and chat really chill for like 5 minutes.
And she never replies after.
Dude, I move on. But still got me llike melancholic wen I think of her.

>>10952177
Hey man, keep your chin up. I'm sure she believes in you more than anyone else ever could. Don't think about the position that you *could* be put in. Think about methods that could help you avoid those terrifying positions in the first place.

If it helps; make plans for anything that could possibly go wrong. It'll help comfort yourself knowing that you already have possible solutions to these problems that you might face.

I've never met you and probably will never talk to you again after this thread is gone but I believe in you bud.

>>10952177
just match into derm or plastics and you can get all the honeys you want
In seriousness, get married, and move in together at your school, she would be good emotional support to get you through tough blocks, if she is really the one, you shouldn't worry about money, because loans, and then the money you will make after residency will be more than enough to support both of you. If she has to stay at where you guys live now to do something she really cares about, then I think it would be best to just break it off, you won't be able to keep up with the stress of medical school and a long distance relationship, and it is better to get everything sorted out before you start, and not have a breakup mid way through, that kind of shit could make you have to drop out.
Best of luck to you anon, to recap, either try and live together and make it work out, or break it off, if you do this in between stuff then it could get really messing, you can't be indecisive as a doctor, so this will be the start of you having to make tough choices.

>>10952108
damn.

The reason i want to die is a simple one compared to most.

I come here to feel, i come here to feel anything, other than nothing. i have a future and cannot see it, i od'ed once and its like i never really lived. I'm terrified that i'm on life support and this is not real, and i'm slowly starting to realize it.

i've got the gift of gab, i like to talk, make people laugh, but it's so i can laugh to. I fluctuate between happy and worryfree and then terrified of my life being a failure the next, I've felt myself become more and more strange and disconnected as time goes by. I live with my folks so i'd rather not ruin the resale value of the house, but i guess the real reason is that i'm afraid, i'll loose my nerve at the last second, i've patched up my room's roof twice. I have no reason to feel this way, And yet it sticks to me like fucking tar, it's a easy way to fix what's wrong with me. I've started dodging social engagements, friends, family. I just stare at this fucking screen and watch my life tick by one fucking second after the next. Vidya is a great distraction but only works for so long.

I dont want to take from those who truly need the help, i guess i'm right, i'm not worth the trouble to kill. Cant even die right, how could i even begin to live properly?

What the fuck is wrong with me fellow annons?

Should i or should'nt I? will my death bring meaning to my wasted life? Or is my suicide simply a way for me to slink out of life?

"tl,dr" I'm not the product of a fucked up home or life, but suicide simply feels correct.

>>10952220
Hey man, I dont know what that's like at all, but I do urge you to reach out to someone you can trust. There are people who will help you and care for you, even doctors and people who do it for free in their spare time. I care about you man, and there are many out there who do. Reach out. Talk. People will be there to help you. There are always people who will care, but you need to be honest and you need to be receptive and kind. Just reach out and be honest, and things will change little by little. Stay strong.

>>10952268
I know it's a drop in the ocean of what you're feeling man, but I don't want you to kill yourself.

Here's the thing. All these cunts who say life is sacred and we need to save lives... they say that because here's the truth:

There's a chance you will find your way out of this quagmire, get help, and feel a lot less shitty.
There's also a chance you won't find your way out.

But if you kill yourself, there's a 100% chance you will never be happy.

Plus if you die you'll never see a sunset or a cute puppy again. Hell dude, if you can, get a dog. That animal will save you

>>10952292
I've got a rottie, best dog in the world. free dog 4 thousand dollar fence.

that's kinda part of it. don't want him wondering why i never came home. i'd figure that would be shitty. I feel..........wrong. It does feel good to talk about it. it though. funny suicide is always spoke of in hushed whispers and closed doors.

I just want to scream it sometimes.

>>10952292
There's also a 100% chance that once you're dead everything about living doesn't matter. So, fuck potential happiness.

>>10952271
How would you go about meeting people on the internet? Connecting with my family is a WIP but I need other friends but I don't know how to reach out to people in general

>>10952323
Potentially experiencing happiness > never experiencing anything ever again.

Look people say don't kill yourself. That doesn't mean they know your life will get better. But they do know that there's always a possibility to get your brain chemistry in balance and be somewhat ok.
Maybe your life will always be shit. But at least there's alesys the option to call a doctor and get help if your alive. Aint nobody gonna help a dead person feel something again.

>>10940437
No one needs your second-best advice, Vegetable.

Just venting, because it feels good to every once in a while.
>Always the 'tough', 'smart' one in the family
>Dad has been in hospital many times ever since my first memory
>Been told by a doctor he isn't walking out of the hospital more than once
>He always has
>Family image of him being indestructible, but I'm always the one to console my mother/brother/sister when it gets too much for them.

>Get in to prestigious university for my dream course, unconditional offer.
>Working along fine, everything seems easy.
>Move away from home, life is on the up and up.
>Start chatting to this girl, solid 10/10 (in my eyes, at least, which is all that matters).
>We get real close, fuck me life seems great right now.
>Go home some weekends just to help around the house (and washing and fed, being a student has its perks).

>Come downstairs one morning, mum is sitting alone crying.
>I ask what's wrong, she refuses to answer.
>Finally get it out of her.
>Dad has 5 years maximum left.
>Can suffer a heart attack at any point within that time frame.
>I try my hardest to bite back tears to console my mother.

>Try continue life as normal, I'm not supposed to know this news yet.
>Mum tells me the cardiologist says I'm to be checked because it's genetic. (HOCM and tachycardia, if anyone's interested.)

>Back at uni, stop going to any classes.
>I talk to my girl about it, say I don't know how to be the tough one about this.
>She leaves completely. Doesn't want to deal with it. Understandably.
>Start drinking my days away, spent months where I was only sober once or twice.
>Friends are concerned about drinking, but it's a party culture here, so fuck it.
>Start taking drugs a lot more frequently, gets to the point where I've woken up in hospital after failing to wake up in the street.
>Getting a bunch of tests done to monitor heart activity, rhythm etc.
>Starting to sober up now, but failed all my uni exams. Didn't have the motivation to do anything.

>>10952334
Start small, if you find it hard to get out of bed you need to talk to a family member and a doctor before you think about getting a friend. Friends will come when you're comfortable with yourself and pursue your interests. But you can't make friends if you have things you need to take care of right now.

>>10952261
I mean the current plan is to get married the summer before 3rd year rotations start. I think honestly that if we are both miserable doing long distance i could probably talk her into moving down there and us getting married early.

After the time and effort we both have put into the relationship of 5 years as well as how much we care about each other, I honestly cant end it preemptively based on what might happen. I know that either we will make it or we wont and both of us will do every damn thing we can to make it, but the thought of all that not being enough is what scares me the most. I know her, and I know myself and our relationship, It isn't one that will fizzle out lightly and I honestly think it would take infidelity or just absolute negligence in the relationship to end us.

Basically im going to take my chances because I have to. Knowing what I know about our relationship, the odds seem pretty good that we will make it, but that off chance of losing her is truly terrifying and not something I ever want to experience.

>>10939688
they do that, dude. They tend to have a new guy lined up long before ending the current relationship. Kinda goes to show that they're incapable of being by themselves... both physically and mentally.... probably because there's not much there to begin with.

>>10952313
Well dont scream it, but literally the second you mention it to someone close to you you will be one step closer to not feeling that way again.

Ive got severe depression, generalized anxiety, adhd and fucking borderline personality disorder, and am seeing no one and taking nothing for any of it. I had been able to coast for a while but two months ago I got a really intense new job. The hours are long, the work is stressful, the money is better though and it's in the top of my field, but i'm crashing and burning.

I came in with a ton of energy, to the point that the person I knew in management who passed my resume along said the managers referred to me as a rising star in their meetings, but it's fucking gone. Between the hours and being stressed and on edge every second i'm there i'm stretched more thin than I can handle. I'm high every second i'm not at work in an effort to fucking unwind but I keep fucking up my job and shrinking into myself instead of being able to shake it off like I used to.

I realized today that i'm just not good enough. Even if I can find a therapist that can handle all of everything I am (oh, bonus points, i'm trans) and maybe get them to try some medication for me it's still not going to come in time to save how much worse i'm getting at this job on a daily basis.

Not to mention that in order to get promoted to the next position that will maybe be a little less physically intensive (which this job is very much so, another reason why my exhaustion is so high) I need to learn a 50 page booklet of information and i've got a learning disability. All this shit was diagnosed in college when I hit a wall then, but I was in an apartment paid for by my student loans and could stand to miss class. I'm an adult now, I can't miss work to get back on my feet.

>>10952068
How would you go out big?

>>10952384
My mind if like an active fire, every emotion is heightened to the point that it's painful. I cry constantly. I can't control anything about myself. Ive been disassociating in and out during work and it's like my brain just stops doing all the very rapid, high functioning things I need it to do to do my job well. I left an hour early for work today and didn't notice until I was halfway there. It's like i'm stuck in a nightmare where everything is in slow motion and I can't stop all these bad things from happening to me or to stop me from doing them. It's like someone else is controlling me.

I knew life would be like this. I grew up with a single mom and I was her only kid, I saw her depression, I saw her cry daily, stress about bills, barely eat, and I knew that was what adulthood was like. Everyone in my family is fucking miserable, all 4 of them, my drug addict alcoholic now-homeless aunt, my grandmother who lives in a trailer with only my 17 year old fucked up little cousin to take care of her after my aunt proved to be a piece of shit, and my mom, working into her golden years to take care of everyone but me, who I refuse to let her pay for (because, frankly, she can't).

I want to kill myself so badly and have for so long. I never wanted to graduate high school, or college, fuck I had my first breakdown about life at 10 years old, because I knew it would be like this. And now i'm here, and it is, and it doesn't get better. Even on medication, they can't fix everything I am. The second my mom dies, i'm ending it, but i owe it to her to last until she does at least.

Since my ex wife left with my kids I've been alone. I have tried to be there for every person I've ever been friends with sense and it doesn't matter what I do none of them are ever there for me when I need them. When my brother died my texts and calls went in answered. When they found the tumors I had no one around. Fuck without you beautiful fucks I would have nobody to make me laugh or call me a faggot for having feels... Thanks you glorious bastards.

>>10952359
>As a result, forced to drop out of uni.
>Haven't turned to self harm or suicide since I was younger, but it's becoming an ever increasing thought.
>If I didn't have three best friends, I definitely would have by now.
>That and I can't face disappointing my family even more than losing my place at the university.
>Just no fucking idea what to do at this point.

I'm applying to a bunch of dead-end jobs but hear nothing after each interview. I look like a corpse most the time, and I find it so hard to wear a smile.
My ex of a few years back tried contacting me again. Her fiancé (who she engaged whilst living with me) put a quick stop to her talking to me though.

Currently I'm alone in a pitch black room having not eaten in a short while. I don't have the motivation to get out of my bed to do anything.

Thanks for hearing my rant /gif/, love you guys.

I just caused confusion and drama. I didn't even realize I did it.
Now I've lost a friend.
God fucking damnit.
How can I fix this.

>>10952402
Are your tumors malignant? What's the prognosis?

dunno how to greentext, so point form it is

- 31, male
- no job, been unemployed for a few years... have had a job for no more than 5 years combined.
- since I'm unemployed, I live with my mom
- no car because no job. no drivers license, not even a learner's permit.
- pretty sure I have had depression since I was 10
- can't get help because that requires money.
- can't borrow money from family due to the fact I've been so terrible with money/poor track record with employment
- pretty sure they're 100% done with my shit.
- few friends I have/had start dropping off and stop talking to me due to being unemployed 98% of the time
- been single since I was 22
- zero confidence when it comes to that kind of shit, mostly due to current life situation, but also because last gf I had back in the day fucking broke me. Had no problem chatting with ladies and getting my dick wet. Not so much since aforementioned ex gf.
- applying for work anywhere and everywhere, with next to nothing in return
- last interview I had I was told I had the job, the lady then ignored my attempts to contact her when I was trying to find out when I'd be starting. That was months ago.
- no one wants to hire me, friends [actually just one friend] barely hangs out due to no money, family getting tired of me being a piece of garbage, even playing guitar isn't enjoyable to me anymore... so I spend all my time on the computer
- spending all my time on the internet has led me to believe that society hates me for being a guy, combined with the ol double whammy of being an evil white person
- this has led me to believe that in combination with my poor employment track record, my genitals and skin colour are also why I can't get a job
- be Canadian, so there might actually be some legitimacy to this wacky notion.

So yea... ending it seems like the way to go. The only legacy I'll have is some shitty doom metal band that nobody listens to.

Oh my

>>10952423
Stage 3 cancer. Doc says I won't see the new year. I can live with that. Hopefully I made someone's life better. That's all we can do right?

>>10952560
Godspeed, anon. See you on the other side.

>>10951813
Tennyson - Lay-by

>>10943468

I salute you sir. You're a badass mother fucker. Keep truckn!!

>>10938263
May sound sad, but my entire mental state went downhill after my first breakup and has yet to make a serious comeback. I got in a relationship with a girl, and 9 months in i've laid myself bare for her. Nothing to hide, nothing to be afraid of. call it young love or infatuation or whatever but I was prepared to spend my life with her, and was more than willing to die for her. Then one day, everything came crashing down with 4 words. "I think I'm gay." That single sentence launched me into a depression so deep, years later I still havent crawled my way out. Even after i finally got over her a year and a half later, the damage had already been done and the somber demeanor had become a part of me. First my mood took a near-permanent drop, then my self worth went down the drain, closely followed by a change in how i carried myself. I began drifting more and more, causing issues with my ability to pay attention to even the most general of things which then began causing major issues with memories. Now i'm not even sure I dream anymore. Ive become a walking husk of who i once was all because i got too sweet on a girl who decided she wasn't into guys anymore

I dont really have a drive to do anything meaningful.

People say that I actually am in a decent position in life, because im going to a good uni, I have my family, and a wonderful girlfriend that is adorable and loves me dearly. The problem is that, thanks to my uni I feel like a piece of shit thanks to my colleagues and my teachers, that slam me to the ground every time that I say my opinions on certain subjects or talk about my hobbies, and I lack sleep because I have to travel everyday to go there, thanks to the fact that the uni is in another city.

About my family, my dad has a quite serious stomach ulcer along with the good ol diabetus, and hes a stubborn piece of shit that doesn’t listen to my mom when it comes to treatment or things that may help him cope with the pain. On top of that we deal with some serious economic problems, with debt and shit like that, and I simply loathe the idea of piling even more debts so just we can keep up. And I constantly fight with my younger sister, whos a little retarded teenager that thinks shes better than everyone and never listens to me or my parents.

And about my girlfriend, the biggest problem is that im frustrated. She doesn’t want to have sex with me, at least not yet. She wants to wait, to get married, mostly because shes from a very religious family, and being very religious herself, she wants to the things “in the right way”. Im also her first ever boyfriend, and the first guy that she ever kissed. All of that piles up, because I sincerely love her, way too much in fact, but I feel like a huge piece of shit, simply because I want her sexually, that I feel like I cant wait, and I feel like this type of stupid little thing could destroy this wonderful relationship that I have with her.
(cont)

>>10941972
little too close to home there

>>10952772

(cont)

Besides all that, I don’t have a passion. Or better, I do have passions, a lot of them in fact, but I never seem to be capable to keep up with them. I fear that when I finally get the job that I want (that is, to become a teacher) that I will feel bored of it right away, just like so many things that I tried in my life. I want to try, and I want to keep trying, but im just a stupid piece of shit that prefers to keep jerking of and watching anime and playing videogames and all of that shit instead of doing something decent. I want to build a family with her, to live in another country with her (since we both live currently in a third world shit hole) , get a good job, write a good fantasy novel, and live comfortable life with her until I die alongside her. But I fear that will never get that, because of my own incompetence.
I just want to get to the end of my uni, to see if I can keep up with it all once and for all.

But,

Im scared.

my crush who broke my heart into tiny pieces and urinated on them, just texted me, that she hooked up with a random guy and she literally sat on his face.

WHY MUST THEY TWIST THE KNIFE AFTER THEY STAB YOU MULTIPLE TIMES

She was supposed to be the chosen one not some random ass ho who fucks people left and righ and gives me nothing but pain

>>10944747
me and my father have had our dog for years. Shes basically the mother figure of the household in the absence of an actual mother
Shes slowly growing more feeble, has gone blind due to cataracts in one eye, and the other eye is close behind. Needless to say shes getting old
I just hope im not around when she dies. Im not sure i could handle seeing my dog lifeless.

2 and a half years later, she has been through 4 more relationships
she takes me for granted but I'm always right there beside her when she needs me
She'll never know how much I still love her

>>10951075
this got you hard?

>>10950845
>not sad, just fucking numb
that sounds like depression anon, have you seen a doctor?

>been with gf for about 2 years
>most definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me
>time comes for us to apply for uni, we're almost certain we will study together in the same city
>her grades are a bit worse than mine, but i can compromise
>uni is 800km away in a cold shitty town
>one week before uni application closes, i get my sat (hp) results back
>i score at top 4%, i can get into almost any school in sweden
>do i choose to enter a top school, or do i move to this cold town in northern sweden to stay with her
>chose to stay with her

she is the only thing that has made me happy, though i haven't lived for too long. though i am not sure if i made the right decision. i could have went to the uni that is #70 in the world, or studied at the uni here in the only real city in this country. i have a hard time falling asleep at night knowing that if our relationship was to crumble, i will be stuck in a shit town, surrounded by her friends (who will also move up there) knowing i turned down the best school in the country.

dunno if this really should be posted here but i havent ever spoken to anyone about it.

>>10946115
you are the nigger

>>10953540
Keep your grades up. If things go sour, apply for transfer to the top uni.

>>10946115
Niggers lives are worth less than white people. Which is why no one cares when niggers die.

>>10951366
word

>>10946032
huh.
They dealt with that better than I'd expect