Anybody have horror stories of terrible programmers / autists

anyone have success stories of non-autists in the tech industry?

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im in geographic information systems. at my old job i tried to be nice to by cubicle neighbour but he was just a dick back to me, and he was always trying to poach work from me (work was really scarce during the oil crash and lots of people were getting fired)

when he went on vacation i wrote a python script that automated the one thing he did and gave it to his supervisor

he got fired a few weeks later kek

>>60163805
Not really.

But today I was handed a ".csv export" which was just the header row repeated 16000 times.
Quality software.....

>>60163805
How come God made us, women, so beautiful and you guys were left ugly as sin? :)

>>60163925
how come you give actual value to your perception?

>>60163959
This.

>>60163805
Nothing beyond the obvious "person just steals code from github/opensource projects and makes some shitty edits then claims it as his own"

Also had a guy join our team and it turned out "his" github and google code repo didn't belong to him, it was a "typo" on his resume. He was an ex-Marine and claimed to have done two tours of Iraq as a combat medic, and said he was a Ranger, and also said he was in Special Forces "for the CIA." Two of the guys on our team went out drinking with him and they caught him in the lie, as they were both ex-Special Forces and one of which actually was a Ranger. He got canned after the 60 day probationary period. Now he's an associate manager at a Burger King.

My company hired an Indian DBA on an H1B (he had his Masters in Database Systems). On his first day, he said he "only knew SELECT, UPDATE, and DELETE" statements and did not want to do any other functions. I went to my boss, and my boss said that it was ok and to just do all the non-SELECT/UPDATE/DELETE statements for him. So this guy would send me his SQL statements over IM and I would paste them into our database CLI. I asked him why he can't just do it and he said he's "not certified" and when I asked him wtf he was talking about he just did the head bobble thing and laughed and said something about not having worked there long enough.

I don't work there anymore. My replacement was a referral from the Indian DBA.

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>>60164112

was this his cover letter?

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>>60164201

>the head bobble thing

>>60164112
>Now he's an associate manager at a Burger King.

I'm curious, how do you know this? Did you go in one day to BK and see him?

>>60163879
Noice.

>>60164261
It's on his LinkedIn

>>60164312

Well that's just embarrassing. What are his previous jobs?

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>>60163879
I purposefully cripple systems I design to need me to secure my job while everyone else is programming their own jobs out of existence. It's like I'm Apple.

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>>60164216
>Not even having the common courtesy to type it by hand

>>60164351

>programming their own jobs out of existence

if you don't automate your shit someone will just do it to you

you need to keep automating shit to show you are top dog

it's like a nerd dominance thing

>>60163805
My life

>>60164399
>not automating your own job and keeping it a secret
I literally watch anime for at least 2 hours of every workday

>>60164399
just create an undocumented monstrosity of a system that only you can maintain
great job security

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>>60164431
>>60164434

don't you see, these two things go hand in hand

I was a trainee at a company who was outsourcing a part of work to some guys in Ukraine.

A day prior to release, they had to run a custom import job into a new Magento webstore, but the Ukrainian developers did not understand escaping single-quotes, crashing the entire shit a day before release and a scheduled marketing campaign.

>>60164434
It gives the appearance of job security; it gets left to the person behind you.

>>60163959
because proof is everywhere lol

>>60164786
proof only exists in your head, and your head alone

>>60164351
How are you supposed to do this if every line of code is reviewed by peers?

>>60163879
>his job was simple enough to be automated via python
what did he do anon? Organize files into alphabetically ordered folders?

>>60164804
Knew a guy with ego issues, he would secretly go revert changes that other people did to fix his code.

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>>60164800
ya can't know nuffin!

>>60164924
>write tight self-documenting function
>it's replaced several months later by an H1B because he didn't understand bitwise arithmetic

he literally unrolled the loop into a if/else if/elseif chain.

>>60163925
>looks at makeupless women
Oof. Yikes. No wonder you bunch had to learn to all be of the same average intellect. Bunch of half-clever shape shifters.

>>60164426
are you me?
>work for company for some months
>know a bit of everything, but only in a shallow way
>get involved in high profile projects, manage to stay involved
I feel like a time bomb. hopefully my name won't be all over the news for malpractice or something... hopefully no one will care about my mediocrity.

>>60164237
Indians do a side-to-side head bobble that doesn't translate real well to us. It's neither yes/no/idk themselves, it's sort of all of them and most Indians know its use per situation, so if all of them are laughing after a head bobble you might know which one they mean.

>>60163805
>entire microsoft code base

A friend told me feed stories from is company.

He's an Oracle Database Administrator for an editor specialized in Insurance Software.

A day, a freshly employed dev pushed a day before the release his progress on the git... on the main branch, and obviously it doesn't even compile...

Other day, a dev is looking into some old code, and see a function called «CreateDocumenHandler». Soon enough, he discovered that it doesn't work if you only change the function name but the 100 call of this function

Last story, other team in another city call him and say «Yeah we need the database m8»
So he compress and archive the database (3TB), and send it through the network. After a 8 hours job to check if everything arrived at the right place, he goes to sleep... The morning, he sees in his mailbox «Yeah thanks for the database, but it's too large, so we deleted it. Can you send it again but smaller?»

>>60163925
>Comma splice

>>60165252
>he literally unrolled the loop into a if/else if/elseif chain.

I shit you not, I was at the TUM (top German technical university) and a prof told me that "the compiled program runs faster" when you "unroll a loop". So when I had to repeat something 200 times I wrote a loop to print out an "unrolled loop" and then pasted that into the code. When he asked me if I did that manually, I told him I wrote a loop to produce the code "because it's faster". He stared at me like I blew his moron mind and then went to give someone else "advice".

>>60163879
I'm into programming but I work as a part time English teacher, 'cause I'm also going through college. The secretary there gives me hard times every now and then (and also to other teachers there) but her job is actually pretty simple, and she somehow manages to do it wrong. I have made a Python script that could replace her in a zap, but I would feel like a motherfucker for taking away her job, so I only have it as a card up on my sleeve.

I feel autistic.

I work with Indian consultants which have no problem doing the needful.

So no, I don't have to deal with this.

>>60165252
it should make you feel better computer programmer's aren't eligible for h1b's anymore

>>60163959
>>60164800
I like you.

>>60163805
Their life is so easy.
>Have bf buy them costly dress, iPhone 7 S Plus
>Go to party
>Take pics and post in instagram because they can't keep anything to themselves
>Repeat

>>60167179
Go be their boyfriend and you'll get a nice reward :)

>>60163925
> trannies
> women
Sorry, you still got a dick.

>>60166353
you're the moron for not letting the compiler do the unrolling

The shit you see working in military IT is incredible, mostly because they'll enlist anyone into an IT slot as long as their ASVAB is high enough.
This leads to a lot of people who don't care or are just plain stupid.
For context, I'm a router tech:

>re-imaging a workstation (my shop doesn't normally do this)
>ethnic co-worker comes up
>"dang mofo where da fug did you learn to do all dis shit, who's knowledge you be stealin??"

>9PM
>proxy stops working
>on-call just routed traffic to the backup as a temp fix
>dig into proxy configs
>turns out someone just deleted the default route and left it like that

>one base has like 4 firewalls
>get a ticket that "the internet is slow"
>tracert reveals firewall is adding 100ms
>log into firewall
>CPU is pegged out
>firewalls are configured in hot-standby mode, so one takes all the load and the others just wait as backup if the primary fails
What the fuck.

>retard 1 and retard 2 assigned to do a topology change
>"hey anon help us cut cables!"
>don't you want to run them first to get the right length?
>"nah bro we checked, we're sure this is the right length"
>no thanks, I'm not going to be a part of this colossal mess.
All 25 30+ft cables they cut were too short.

>"What the fuck is powershell?"

At least this will pay for my college.

I inherited Indian code.

I have to instruct 30+ Indians.

>>60167427
navy?

>>60163925
You got that mixed around a bit there lass

>>60168443
USAF

>>60163879
Damn fellow gis fag here. Trying to get out of analyst and be a dev. Don't want to work for .gov tho so its a bitch.

>>60167065

Really? Sounds too good to be true, did they already change the laws?

>>60167427
to be fair, active/passive is normal for more firewalls, that is why you scale them correctly.

i run 2 palo 7k's in active/passive

running active/active firewalls is tricky

>>60164434
Don't fall for this meme.
You will be fired for writing unreadable code, you will be known for being a stupid ass who thinks he's clever.

do socially anxious introverts get hired in the programming world?

>>60170007
no.

>>60167427
have firewalls setup that way is pretty normal.
active / active is sometimes even slower than active / passive
sounds like the problem was low level gear or poorly configured shit.

>>60170007
of course not.
programmers are inherently extroverted go-getters with big dicks, expensive cars and multiple casual sex friends.
If that doesn't sound like you, maybe look into a more fitting field, like becoming a pro athlete.

>>60170239
I know that in the router world we run our shit concurrently, but that's possibly due to the nature of how routing works so that it can be done effectively.

Shit gear is a real possibility, considering we need have constant bandwidth in excess of 700 Mbit, with tens of thousands of concurrent users serviced by a single firewall.

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this was in eastern jewrope, avocados aren't that popular:
> le hipster coder brings bunch of avocados to the office and leaves them on the shared table
> autist appears
> takes one avocado
> literally bites avocado like it's an apple
> THIS PEAR TASTES BAD
> starts throwing bitten avocado around
> collects all avocados from the table and throws into garbage bin

>>60169659
I know you didn't design that network, but why would you spec 4 firewalls when only 1 is going to be taking the load?
If it's for redundancy, then 2 would be plenty.

I suppose you could route specific subnets through different firewalls as a way to load balance, but I see how that could get messy.

>>60164201
I Fucking hate Indians and the people who hire them.
They are shit employees. They are lazy, almost always unqualified and will do anything to avoid responsibility and work.
why they can get jobs is beyond me.

>>60171424
H1Bs. You can pay an Indian less than a citizen because Indians are just happy to get out of their shit hole country.

>>60166353
I went to the TU as well and suddenly don't feel sad for dropping out of physics and engineering sciences if someone who doesn't know that compilers can unroll loops manages to stay in...

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beautiful.

>>60172235
kek

>>60165371
it means "you know what i mean"

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>>60165914

>>60168418
stories

>>60163805
Repairing a guys computer for work, do a bit of snooping as I usually do, find CP, call the cops because protocol and morals, they come do a big investigation, about a week later he starts calling the store every couple of hours saying we're all dead, dude is crazy, shows up one day with a baseball bat standing in the parking lot yelling at us, we just lock the door and call the cops again, they arrest him on site, quit that job shortly after and buy a gun.

Sorry about the shitty formatting, I'm falling asleep on my computer.

I literally stopped learning when I got my first job, ask me how much I give a fuck

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>>60172495
>do a bit of snooping as I usually do
i have problems with this.

>>60172650
Then repair your computers yourself, pedo

>>60172665
>implying

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>>60172650
>they had to specify which cartoon character was the actual president

>>60172650
>i have problems with this.
I don't care if you do, part of my job is looking through peoples shit to make sure it's working properly, and it wasn't hidden very well

C:\Downloads\Torrents\kids plus the thumbnail I saw lead me to clicking on it then closing out right after

>>60172742
there is a BIG difference between checking clients download folder to see if they had downloaded a malware / going thru all of his folders including family pictures and whatnot. hope you are doing the former.

>>60172768
I meant snooping as in looking around for the root of the problem, the fuck would I do with buddy's full collection of Eric Clapton mp3's and pictures of his wedding?

>>60172650
I just assume that if you're handing off any piece of tech to someone they're going to look though it.

According to my last company, I am the terrible programmer
>work at this webdev / marketing company
>boss can't plan project work for shit; resulting in incredibly tight work schedules
>applefactory.jpeg
>worked 10-12 hours a day for the last 2 months
>new project rolls around
>must be done before Jan 1st
>planning is severely delayed because freelance project manager never got approval for the proposed time schedule
>2 weeks are wasted
>designers and UX retards waste an additional 4 weeks on meetings, client sessions, and whatnot
>2 weeks left to built it - i'm the only dev
>tell my boss this isn't possible before Jan 1st
>get a rant that he's right and i'm wrong
>goes on holiday next day
>2 days before Christmas
>finally snap - quit my job on the spot
>project blows up in their faces
>client is raging
>got threats and calls for a week from the company I quit

>>60170274
Otherfag, nearly fell for it

>>60172872
see
>>60172786

>>60172874
Lol stick it to them. What are you doing now?

>>60163879
>things that never happened

>>60166942
This sounds like an opportunity for blackmail sex, is she cute?

>>60174152
she's pretty, but she's got that boyfriend of hers that sort of looks like CJ from GTA SA. That, and the fact that I have a girlfriend whom I love very much.

>>60175055
Fair enough, I'm just spitballing here anon. In the end if you get her fired you're probably gonna have to maintain that code of yours so save yourself the trouble

>>60170378
Kek that would be hilarious to witness

>>60172874
Topkek

>>60166942
So what does the script do actually?
Curious af rn

>>60163805
Yeah I got one for you
>Be me
>Visit /g/
Pretty awful.

>>60172495
Am I alone in that I don't ever read anyone else's shit when I fix their computer?
I just don't care what anyone's life or thoughts are like. No one is interesting to me anymore.

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>>60165347
are you me?
holy shit
>working as SME
>only know one backup tool decently well
>the rest I just fake it
>can sprinkle jargon around like fucking salt bae
>it's only a matter of time before I'm found out

>>60175055
Date black guys, get black eyes. It'll happen.

>>60167427
>ethnic co-worker
You can just say nigger you know. Everyone knows what you meant anyway.

>>60177541
read nigga
>>60172786

>>60173481
Working at McDonald's.

>>60177541
Nah, I don't check either. Don't care, don't want to know.

>>60167398
No, dumbass. I obviously had to hand in the source code, and this idiot expected us to unroll our loops.

>>60172064
TUM is 80% networking, 20% skill, tops.

>>60163925
Would be pretty silly to objectify women, wouldn't it?

>>60170007
Sure. I remember many from my previous job. A few were probably Aspergers too.

>>60163805
black girl I knew in uni who litterally could not even setup Visual Studio got a $65k/yr job just for being black girl

I'm not even exaggerating. She literally completely incompetent.

>>60180617
My brother did a game design degree, the only person in there who got a first was the slope chick. They did a project showcase for the families at the end of the semester and her work was literally garbage. Go figure.

Apparently their male lecturers were all eating out of her hand, which wouldn't surprise me at all but obviously that's just hearsay to me.

>>60172362
the horror

>>60163879
Jej

My man

>>60166942
SO, what the fuck does she do?

>>60164923

he would receive a shapefile (basically a file containing polygons) and had to figure out what land parcels from a database were within 1 kilometre of it and then take THOSE parcels and see if they intersected a different type of land parcel from a different database. a thematically convoluted workflow but technically the same thing literally every time (aka ripe for automation)

this is a pretty standard braindead GIS workflow that requires the gis monkey to push the right buttons on a few different GUIs in the right order, and the software we use as a proprietary python API. all i had to do was write out the steps, automate them, do a bit of testing/tweaking and badabing badaboom

>>60169309

i quit and went to grad school. i don't regret it. that place was a total dead end

>>60174005

to be completely honest i didn't really know i was automating him out of a job when i was doing it, his supervisor pitched the idea to me and i did it because i was ready to jump at the chance to do some actual coding and not the same old "export all these database records to excel and make sure to fill out the 20-something forms to pad the hours on the project" day-in and day-out

i just didn't feel that bad because he was always playing the "im a shark" bit and looking for opportunities to stab me in the back and steal work (one time literally interjected into a conversation with my supervisor about how he already knew how to do some thing while he was explaining the task to me), as if he was ever at the level where he could out-do me

>>60166353

who was the prof

im going there this month for a workshop