*BOOM BOOM CRASH* FREEZE I SAID FREEZE HANDS IN THE AIR FIND

*rolls over in bed seductively*
i-i could be ur gf tonight officer...

>>56350357
It's too late.

This ip address was spoofed behind 7 proxies leeched off Starbucks wi-fi.

*camera pans to my actual location*

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>>56350357
*hands up*
*on the ground*
*panic*
*dindu nuffin*
*relax*
Jesus I'm not a pedo or anything you dork

>>56350357
>y-you too

I'll write a GUI in visual basic to track the killer's IP address

>>56350357
They would just detain me at work, no need to risk a potentially violent raid.

File: 1466986819581.jpg (126KB, 800x600px)

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Fight them. My prowess in hand to hand combat is without equal.

I'M A DIRTY FUCKO I KNOW OFFICERS I'M SORRY I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF!

>>56350357
>hard drive
we're on ssds now, it's the current year

Hammertime

we will we will rock you

>>56350375
Kek'd

>>56350391
underrated post

Noooooo my game saves......

yank the ac adapter and pull the batteries from my laptops then ask for my lawyer and say i don't understand my rights as they are read to me

ITS AN SSD YOU FUCKWITS

*suicide*

>>56350459
>doing anything while a cop has a gun to you

You mean get shot while you tamper with evidence, because that's exactly what will happen.

>>56350357
>>wat do?
Find the hard drive just like my commander ordered
Dah

>>56350357
w-why are you SPEAKING TO ME IN ENGLISH!?

>>56350409
Look at that fucking schnoz

"IF YOU TOUCH THAT HARD DRIVE YOUR MOTHER WILL DIE UNLESS YOU REPOST THIS WITHIN 24 HOURS"

>they kick down my door
>i'm asleep
>they grab my thinkpad and all of my hardware
>they come back a day later
>"what the fuck is this 'btrfs root error'?"
>turns out ganoo linucks saved me by losing all of my files
thx stallman

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>Police enter
>I move at the speed of light
>The flash of light as I pull my Katana
>Unsheathed and glorious
>I teleport behind the office
Nothing personal officer
>The lights go out
>The flash of of a blade
>screams fade to silence

>>56350357
I slowly spell a passcode to my voice-activated auto-destruct mechanism , which will detonate an EMP bomb and a small nuclear bomb

I thought you couldn't be compelled to provide the key to an encrypted device - why were the feds asking Apple to write a backdoor if they could just compel the suspect? or was that guy just willing to take the charges for not complying w/ the demand?

>>56350357
I put them in the air as if i just don't care

>>56350608
>btrfs
nice lmao

>>56350707
>compel the suspect
what suspect ? wasn't he dead ?

>>56350409

what is this from?

>>56350391
Hey I have that same table from Ikea.

>>56350769
Oh. As is probably obvious I don't follow the news very much. I was just tangentially aware of the situation. Looking it up, you're right.

Some investigation seems to suggest that currently in the US you at least need a court order to compel a suspect to give the key to some encrypted data - and the requirements to get the court order can be quite high: evidence the prosecution knows what the data contains, evidence the suspect does in fact know the key, evidence that the files in question genuinely are what they're claiming them to be, etc.

>>56350778
>THE CORE

>>56350834
>evidence the suspect does in fact know the key


Big cases can take months? What happens if they have evidence that the suspect knew the key at the start of the court case, but he forgot it by the time they actually get around to getting it from him?

>>56350684
> spell a passcode
> not having trackir activate self destruction because HANDS IN THE AIR
Do you even technology?

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>>56350375

>>56350375
L-Lewd...

This actually just happened in my house . Some guy "accidentally" downloaded cp through a file sharing website

>>56350357
I'M TRYING TO MASTURBATE GET THE FUCK OUT! !!!!

>>56351073
> accidentally
In some p2p networks such as edonkey or dc it is more common than you think.

>>56350459
>yank the ac adapter
Volatile memory decays slower without ground, you fucked up.

>Looking for a HDD, top kek.
>Year of our lord 2016
>Get with the time coppers.
>Don't you know that SSDs are multiple orders of magnitude faster than...

Then sue them for taking my SSDs, since they clearly only had a warrant to snatch any and all hard drives.

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>>56350357
I tell them my nuke password. https://www.kali.org/tutorials/emergency-self-destruction-luks-kali/

I don't have anything to hide tbqh, but as I'm taking notes with pen and paper I have nothing else to lose than dank memes and a setup I wouldn't call fine-grained, but that I still like.

>>56351223
(Please don't burn yourself I'm leaving thxbai)

>>56350357
wait, which hard drive
I have a lot of those things

>>56350707
They need another kind of warrant, yeah.

Which of my 15 HDDs or 2 SSDs do you want, officer?

Alterntivel, i could drop 2 of my raid 5 hdd's and it should be all fucked.

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>>56350357
allahu akbar

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>>56350375

>>56350468
>the cops will never be the same
you think they don't see fucked up shit like that?

>>56351223
>plastic bag with gasoline
Fuck manga writers are so fucking dumb.

also readers

>>56350357
Shout "I DINDU NUFFIN WE WUZ KIANGZZZZ EN SHJIIEETS"

>>56350357
>FREEZE
>HANDS IN THE AIR
>FIND THE HARD DRIVE
Does not compute.

>>56350357
M-MUST BACKUP O-OBSCURE ANIME

>>56350386
Underrated comment

>>56350656
Note to self: never again take pics standing in front of the mirror.

>>56350480

i live upstairs from the front door so i'll have a few moments

>>56350375
First post is best post.

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>>56351223
>stop bothering me

>>56351581
Holy shit, the amount of pedos

>>56350357
You freeze, duh... :D

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>>56350357
>FREEZE
>I SAID FREEZE

>>56351581
>nuke password

that is cool. When I was younger I always thought of two passwords. One to acess data, and another to remove it, I used simple if statement (noob programmer at the time) Glad to see its being used more often.

>>56350853
>THE CORE
THANK YOU ANON, TORRENTING RIGHT NOW

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>>56351672
>TORRENTING

>>56351581
a few months ago i was trying to implement this but lost interest because of the fucking heat

>>56351702
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker.

>>56351702
Not funny, I actually got my friend arrested like that when I was younger, used the same FBI web interface to report his address because he was torrenting games and movies and I was jealous of his gaming rig.

>>56351223
>bag of gasoline
Topkek

>>56351724
that's pretty funny anon, what happened after he was arrested?

>>56351843
Guantanamo Bay, they also found ties to Al Quaida on his PC

>>56351843
Thing weren't that bad back then, internet ban and a fine.

>>56351724
Thank you for you service.

>>56351581
Wouldn't work, all government agencies are obligated by law to use a write blocker device (physical devices that goes between PC and disk and blocks all write commands) or chain of custody will be broken.

>>56350357
put my hands in the air and let them find the hard drive?

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>>56351881
>internet ban
wow how cucked

>sitting in chair
>put hands in air
>"you assholes got a warrant"?
>tap shut off switch to the power strip that all my electronics are plugged into with my foot
>everything's encrypted
>"So where's that warrant bois?"

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o-officer, a-all my data is in the cloud.

>>56350357
>FIND THE HARD DRIVE
no HDD here Sir
just SSD
move along

>>56352057
>>tap shut off switch to the power strip that all my electronics are plugged into with my foot
Pleb
>Not having sensor cut the power if i get up from my chair without securing the circuit with the lock pin
>Not having a wireless relay turn of every circuit in the fusebox if someone opens the front door without putting in the lock pin
>Not having motion sensor cut the power if someone opens the door to my server cabinet

>>56352217
I mean I could probably rig something up with my RFID implant in my hand.

Have a reader embedded in the desktop or something

>>56352057
You think they will break down your door before having a warrant? Are you 12?

>>56352240
>RFID implant in my hand.
Good goi

>>56352242
Hey if I'm going to jail. I'm going to be a cocky shit about it all the way to my cell, it's better for personal morale.

>>56352261
Why are you going to jail, anon? What did they find?

>>56352261
>cocky shit about it all the way to my cell
Nobody gives a fuck, they deal with faggots like you by the dozens every day.

>>56350375
>officer confuses the jet black dragon dildo you're holding for a gun
>ripperoni

>>56352261
>Hey if I'm going to jail.
They love pedofiles there, good luck!

>>56352266
>he still thinks you need a reason to go to jail

>>56352273
Sure, it's only for my own entertainment 72 hours in solitary is boring yo

>>56350509
world police

>>56352286
I know that even if you didn't break any laws, they have a reason for planting evidence.

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>>56350357
Good luck, all my illegal shit is on MFM drives, you bloody niggers don't even know what they are.

>>56352309
I'm sure the feds know what that is.

>>56352240
I have one too!
NFC in left, 125khz in right, you?

>>56352354
xNT NFC in the left at the moment

>>56352348
Sure thing, when it's just sitting on my shelf without a controller or font plastic.

>>56352423
>Take it back to [REDACTED]
>Plug it into 30 year old machine they have for this exact reason

>>56350357
Good thing I knew they were coming, I backed up the data onto a microSD card and formatted the HDD, then shoved the card up my ass. They'll never know!

>>56352449
glove_snap.wav

>>56351724
You're a faggot

>>56352462
Then I'll just say the officer is gay for fingering my ass, then he'll back off. I'll make sure I get the card really nice and high up in my rectum so he can't reach, then when they're gone I'll shit it out.

>>56352438
>implying they have a machine for that reason
>implying todays IT even knows about MFM

Fuck, I worked in IBM for a while, and guys who are 10 years older and more experienced than me had no idea about MFM drives when we messed with a old AT server that was in storage.
US Forensics has even lower standards for hiring than most private corporations, it's a joke.

>>56352480
>I'll just say the officer is gay
>he'll back off
Premium bait.

>>56352480
>I'll just say the officer is gay
You will get such butt hurt after that you won't be able to shit for weeks and there's nothing you can do, your own damn fault for upsetting him.

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>>56352480
Who said it was a man?

>>56352484
I guess they'll have to try ebay, lol.

>>56352512
>butt hurt

>>56352532
Yes, butt hurt. You know butthurt is not an actual way of writing if your butt is experiencing physical pain.

>>56350357
remote panic button embedded under skin between knees, press knees together activating flash bang that destroys hard dick drive and disorients cops allowing me to grab my fawkes mask, katana umbrella, and cape and escape into the milling crowds

>>56352512
Nah, I did anal exercises to loosen up so I could get the MicroSD card up there. I win.

>>56352484
debug
g=c800:5
q

>>56352598
Not my files! NOO

>>56352585
fucking hell m80

>>56352309
that was literally my first hard drive, well, maybe not that one but who knows, but yeah, the st-225 on a western digital controller of some sort, 8 bit isa i think, maybe 16

>>56352595
Good idea, he surely can't push hes hand up there where the SD card is now...oh wait...

>>56350357
>FUKKO Threads are back

>>56352614
Seagate sold those with their own controller boards, 8-Bit ISA.

>>56350357
At least /fucko/ properly you dumb nig

>>56352619
... He's really gay now.

What if I bite down really hard but not hard enough that he'll think it's just tight, but not that I'm actually biting down?

>>56352633
ok, maybe, it was ... 1989 maybe? i've forgotten a lot of shit

>>56350357
sudo shred -fuzn386 /*

A nuke password is stupid. If a three-letters-agency takes your drives, they'll make a copy of your encrypted hdd. If you give them a self-destruct password they'll know you lied and they'll still have your encrypted data.
(and the next time they'll just drug you with truth serum)

>>56352653
Mine is from '84

>>56352727
Nobody is gonna drug or torture you because you have some kiddie porn on your hard drive.

>>56352641
If you're so fucking loose he might as well step inside and take a walk in your rectrum.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk-5RVMerfI

>>56352753
I'm not saying that faggot, but if you're legally arrested and asked for the password, and you give them a nuke password :
1) You won't destroy anything because they would still have a copy of your encrypted HDD
2) They can legally say that you know the normal password and put you in jail for an undetermined time until you give them

The only legal way to refuse to give your data is to say you forgot the password.

>>56352785
>magnum anus
>rectum opus

my fucking sides

>>56350357
# shred -uz /

>>56351136
That... Is actually really fucking smart

>>56352800
>shred

The FBI will politely wait ~26 hours for your 500gb hard drive to be wiped ?

>>56351136
>Then sue them for taking my SSDs, since they clearly only had a warrant to snatch any and all hard drives.
No, the warrant cover all data mediums, you don't go out much, do you?

>>56350377
Kek

>>56352753
Don't you know? All pedos are terrorists now.
They have literal bombs in their pants.


They can have my drives all they want.
Maybe they can fucking recover them for me since like half of them are dead and I only keep them around because I am overly-attached to things and delude myself in to thinking "I will totally recover these files one day! Yeah!"

Pls get my 2001 memes back for me officer-san.

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>>56350564

>>56352903
>Giving nuke password
That's retarded, use hidden volume instead, with infrequently refreshed plausible data like quarterly accounting, scans of medical and/or legal documents on the surface volume. You know, shit that's totally not illegal but could be troublesome if stolen.

>>56352957
Didn't mean to reply there.

>>56352949
I don't think the police force hire cats.
Fuck you, immunity cat, you are LIES.

>>56352559
thatsthejoke.jpg

>wat do?

Be annoyed.
This would be the second time I get swatted.

watch their facial expressions as they find my futa collection

How much trouble will I get for torrenting books.

>>56353350
same amount as for any other intellectual property.

chances are low you get caught but if you're worried get a VPN

>>56353360
They're science books tho. Aren't book publishers slightly less jewy compared to Hollywood and Music?

>>56353323
Do tell.

>>56353396
I run a tor exit node for research purposes.

>>56353423
So they saw you accessing a huge amount of CP and black market shit? You know you can register exit nodes with the local government so they don't try to bust you?

Will they send me to jail for Sengoku Rance because of that one scene with Kouhime?

>>56353440
I'm registered with the Bundesnetzagentur (Germany).
Doesn't really change anything though.

Apart from information in encypted .txt files that have my passwords for darknet markets where I used to buy drugs there isn't really anything that bad, I'm not a dirty pedo and I don't think torrenting is worth the time of elite navy seals.

>>56353503
Huh. Well, eventually they'll figure it out.

>>56353552
Chances are I'm good after that first incident.
Now I'm waiting for the day where they want to plant some of their own equipment on my setup.
That would be even more interesting

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>>56352108
I want Luke to cum in Rileys tight boi pussi.

ssd physical destruction button

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLxaVFBXbCk

>>56353611
Are you going to say no?

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>>56353727
> dat smoke at 2:30
seems legit

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>>56353727
>destruction of evidence

>FIND THE HARD DRIVE
kek fucking grandpa its in the fucking cloud, i bet you still use floppy dicks
you could search my chromebook

ha!
jokes on them since they don't know about my dead man's switch that will trigger an emp bursts in the room, as well as thermite bombs inside the cases

also, living thirdworldfuckistan, nobody cares

>>56350357
Jokes on you, I would tell them my nuke password and activate my dead man switch.

>have 2 passwords
>one normal one
>the other one begins wiping data secretly, while giving fake desktop
>give the second password
>???
>Wouldn't go to jail anyways.

>>56352309
emulator exist you shitface

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How does one fully protect oneself?
>Don't do anything illegal
Germany has already raided people for wrongthink, it's a good idea to set up protection.

>>56351672
Oh you are gonna be disappointed..

>>56350357
>*BOOM BOOM CRASH*

>FREEZE
>I SAID FREEZE

for a second there i thought this is another windows sucks thread.

>>56350357
AM I BEING DETAINED OFFICER?

>>56351964
I learned something today. Thanks, anon.

>>56355626
*BANG*
STOP RESISTING!
*EMPTIES CLIP ON YOUR SKULL*

Good luck, it's encrypted. I don't even have anything to hide but I still wouldn't give them the password under principle.

>>56350357
Curse the day she talked and an hero

yo nigguh they would just take all muh weed and yola shit would have me fucked up. but my macbook got that young encryption so they wouldn't even find all my snuff roleplay logs ayoo

>>56350409
In reality, they tape the peephole so you can't see through right after they come to your door to keep the element of surprise. There also wouldn't be nearly enough time to format anything, maybe a flash drive or two could get microwaved but your internal hard drive would take too much time to take out.

t. experience

>>56353859

Depending on what you've got on the drive, might be better to go to jail for a while for that than the alternative.

>>56352973
Of course they do

>>56350409
source??

>>56350564
>"IF YOU TOUCH THAT HARD DRIVE YOUR MOTHER WILL DIE UNLESS YOU REPOST THIS WITHIN 24 HOURS"

>>56350858
Sucks for them

>>56355785
>realize it's blocked
>nuke everything

>>56355785
>someone just tapes over my peep hole
WOW GEE, WONDER WHO THAT WAS

I would follow their instructions because I have nothing to hide.

PLEASE, PLEASE
IM A HUMAN BEING
I'M NOT DONE
NOT TILL I FINISHED PEEING

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What hard drive?

>>56356197
Not same fag, but would this make it quicker?

>http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16817994155&cm_re=hot_swap-_-17-994-155-_-Product

or maybe this?

>http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=9SIA1DS3CG5700&cm_re=internal_hdd_docking-_-9SIA1DS3CG5700-_-Product

>>56351672
I actually like the movie but it's goofy.

Also keep an eye out for the fish.

>>56350357
>dad is chief of police
>implying they'd raid my house

>>56350468
they won't have any problem to shoot you

AMERICA, FUCKERS!

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>>56355785
>monitoring a small group of fully-weaponed people coming across my corridor, stopping at my door
>kek
>these pigs don't know I have a thermal camera covering all the corridor
>KTeaTime triggers system bell
>"Don't knock gentlemen, tea is ready!~"