Ok guys, what the fuck happened to my laptop? I turned it off

Install Gentoo.

welcome to the botnet

>>55895840
debian.org

Is this Gentoo?

>>55895990
Nah, you can tell because it's actually displaying punctuation.

File: 1467506018660.gif (607KB, 800x792px) Image search: [Google]

607KB, 800x792px

>>55895862

sudo apt install gentoo

>>55896031

~$ sudo apt install gentoo
[sudo] password for a: 
Reading package lists... Done
Building dependency tree       
Reading state information... Done
The following NEW packages will be installed:
  gentoo
0 upgraded, 1 newly installed, 0 to remove and 0 not upgraded.
Need to get 545 kB of archives.
After this operation, 1,908 kB of additional disk space will be used.
Get:1 http://us.archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu xenial/universe amd64 gentoo amd64 0.20.6-2 [545 kB]
Fetched 545 kB in 3s (153 kB/s)                        
Selecting previously unselected package gentoo.
(Reading database ... 321602 files and directories currently installed.)
Preparing to unpack .../gentoo_0.20.6-2_amd64.deb ...
Unpacking gentoo (0.20.6-2) ...
Processing triggers for gnome-menus (3.13.3-6ubuntu3.1) ...
Processing triggers for bamfdaemon (0.5.3~bzr0+16.04.20160701-0ubuntu1) ...
Rebuilding /usr/share/applications/bamf-2.index...
Processing triggers for desktop-file-utils (0.22-1ubuntu5) ...
Processing triggers for mime-support (3.59ubuntu1) ...
Processing triggers for doc-base (0.10.7) ...
Processing 1 added doc-base file...
Registering documents with scrollkeeper...
Processing triggers for man-db (2.7.5-1) ...
Setting up gentoo (0.20.6-2) ...

back in 2007 my laptop had some tracking software installed on it in case it was ever stolen called 'watch dog' but a cursory google search didn't reveal anything, perhaps the company has gone under. good luck op