Butthole inspection

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I love my gym. I really do. But I've had it up to HERE with these monthly butthole inspections.

I put a lot of thought into my workout program. I've made it, easily. There's no reason I should have to endure the humiliation of going before the gym owner and his trainers, dropping my squat plug, bending over, and spreading wide for a full anal analysis.

According to the chart, my b-hole is a "Cheerio" type, the smallest allowable size in our gym. I get bitched at for this every time, but I honestly don't know how to fix it? Gym Lord himself claims to have a "Fruit Loop" which is the "statistically perfect fitness anus."

This system never really bothered me until last week, when I saw a really ripped friendly Chad banished from our gym for sporting a "bagel" anus, which is three sizes too big. (Our gym only goes from "Cheerio" to "mini-doughnut," although exceptions can be made based on the shape of the hole and level of pinkness).

It's also unfair how the guys with the best assholes get first pick of squat racks as well as free premium plugs. I contribute more to our gym than anyone in Gym Lord's inner circle, but get rejected from their clique because I was born with a "less impressive" anus. By the way, I have seen the holes of every guy in the top 10, and they're hardly majestic.

On top of this, there's the obvious problem of not being able to eat the morning of my routine or the night before, for fear of accidentally passing gas during the inspection. That's a worse crime than excessive hair, or even failing to thoroughly wipe yourself. The one and only guy I've ever seen play the butt trumpet during his inspection was blacklisted from every gym in the state. I'm not going to lie though, if I ever wanted to quit working out, I'd do so by deliberately ripping a toot right in the head inspector's smug face.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel like the normalization of anal inspections has cheapened my once-noble, fit hobby. But I understand if you disagree.