why do we fall down?

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I was overweight all childhood and highschool ending up 100lbs over weight. In college I lost everything and lived as a 6'3" god of fitness and health. After college it crept back on 20 pounds at a time. Exercise was a memory. Until I found myself 200 lbs over weight. Then with the guidance of /fit/ I lost it all, ran 5 miles a day and lifted aesthetically. For over a year I lived again as a god, redeemed of iniquity. Then, for no reason i can ascertain whatsoever I quit my routine and gained it all back. I have done that 4 times in the space of 12 years (I am old). That means in my lifetime I have lost and gained back 1000lbs.

I know alot about diet and exercise, its actually nit hard at all. After the 3rd time if loosing and gaining it all back I was no longer afraid of the weight, or the weight loss. It was almost as if with 6 months I could change my entire body. Its almost a God like feeling. However I know now that I have probably done ridiculous amounts of damage to my organs. In all likely hood I will die of complete organ failure of some sort in 20 years or less no matter what, even if I live per/fit/ly for the rest of my life. And that has me thinking. What path do I choose? Either way it I am going to die young. Do I continue down the dark path of indulgence and gross excess? Or do I turn back into the light of purity and health? Loosing this excess 200 lbs for the 5th time could possibly kill me. I will be halfway out on my evening run and just collapse in a ditch. My toned and glistening body reflecting the car lights as they pass not even stopping to gaze upon the body of the fallen hero. I have seen it in my mind. I know it to be true.

So I am decided to make my 5th attempt to achieve perfection. I am resolved that If I must die soon it will be as a perfect statue, a golden god in the final form. If the day I look the beat in my entire life is the day they put me in my casket then so be it. It begins again at midnight.