I'm sad...

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I want to become big, muscular, and athletic so badly. But I'm not giving it my all. I'm drunk as fuck right now, and I'm sulking. I'm disappointed in myself. I want to get fit, I have a home with with everything I could ever need, but my knees are fucked, they click and pop when I squat and my knees sorta hurt after I do my squat sets.
>inb4 my form is shit
I've gone to see personal trainers and they say my form is good, even tho I tell them my knees don't feel right doing them, so I gave them up and replaced them with sprints, stairs, and hill runs. I will never get "big" from those types of cardio exercises and it hurts me. Why? Why fit? I want to get fit so bad. I'm drunk right now and sometimes I can't help mytself and I can drunk alone and then get sad because I so badly want to be big and strong but I have never been big and strong. I'm a weak 170lb 6 feet tall guy who gets talked down to at his job. At my job, this guy I work with always calls me skinny and thin and says I shouldn't lose anymore weight and I workout somewhat regularly but never keep my diet and training in check. Help me fit. Please fucking help me!!