Mental fitness

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84KB, 640x640px

Can't figure a good way to start this text so I'll just go straight to the point. I can't live with myself, I'm disappointed in myself for the things I have done, disappointed for the things I didn't do, disappointed for the things I probably will not do, atleast on the level I want to, because I can't get myself really motivated anymore into anything else than lifting. I didn't win the gene lottery either. I can't understand why I have so much friends except for pity and that I aim to be the nicest lad I can so I would never be the reason for anyone to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. You ever been around someone you think should just shut up and go away? That's how I feel about myself. I can't escape the feelings with alcohol or drugs, no matter what I always end up regretting taking them and just feeling worse. This has been on for a couple of years but the last 6 months has been the worse. My feelings go from negative to mellow 90% of the time. Rarely actually feel good, most of the time I don't care about anything and just go on with my life, sometimes I feel so shit I get anxiety attacks. The biggest reason I lift is that the 4 hours after it are the only times I feel good about myself or atleast forget most of the shit I hate in me. I am afraid of having a mental breakdown and ending up in some asylum or having a stroke because of stress and becoming a vegetable. Do normies think like this ever? How do I cope with all this? This was probably a horrible read but I can't ass my self to write better.