Lets have an /fa/ feels thread again bros and get through this

>>12180948
Sad!

>tfw trying to bee myself
>tfw making people angry at me because I enjoy debates and always play devils advocate
>tfw cant approach people casually
>tfw just got a fulltime job and it invomes no feeling in me
>tfw hobbies no longer cause interest
>tfw mildly self conscious of my appearance 75 percent of the time

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I mean, life sometimes makes me happy, life sometimes makes me feel like im actually "someone", that i matter or that people care.
But im just never happy.
I mean i can smile and give a good chuckle.
I can have a big smile from part to part of my face
But thats too much short and momentary
Im never satisfied with anything
Nothing ever is good enough for me and everything bothers me, theres always a downside to everything or simply something bothers me about a certain thing.
Im never satisfied with anyone
Everyone seems fucked up, i always give second thoughts about people on the back of my mind, judging them, rumbling on about anything that will make me feel negative
I mean i have to be honest and say im negative all the time, about every little detail of everything
Whats happiness anyway, feeling like things are good? Things are never good are they.
I have too many high hopes, too many desires when i can't fulfill part of it myself, so thats really ironic isn't it.
I just don't like living at all
I don't like having to wake up, being automaticlly forced to do anything in life at that moment
And i mean sure i have to make anything if i want to live
But i dont want to
So im forced by my thoughts of needing to live because some people make it seem like i actually make a difference here.
Yet i don't, im undesirable, i lie in pictures, i lie in my self-esteem, i lie in my moods, i lie with my expressions and emotions
I just want everything to be perfect, my way, for people to be how i want them to, and i will be rude, judge them until i feel like im more pleased with myself and that it made a difference
But it doesnt, its my own little cycle, its my cycle of trying to get somewhere that i actually just won't get to, and this cycle involves my frustation, it involves the other people too
They also get frustrated, they also get tired of me, they eventually leave me, and those promises of not leaving are broken at my own fault, and im very aware of that
1/

>>12181066
I mean i always want them to stay
But at the same time i know i will make them go away, because somehow that just makes me happier, makes me feel like i got to somewhere
And honestly, from being myself, i just realize i deserve to be alone, and thats the best for me, i may feel like i like so much, love someone so much, but at the same time
Its better to let go, and i know i wont be fine
But they will be
Because i realize how i am, and how i treat them
That its just a better way for every part
And im just a miserable mind, always bothered, always desiring and unhappy, always frustrated
So, maybe i do hate life
But this is my life, and the fault is at me everytime, and i know that, i have to admit it.
I don't like living, because it means that im living with myself
And i could try and change myself, but in the end im made of a certain way
And it just wont go away
I just have to accept it, and this can be a start
But yet, honestly i wish it was an end
2/

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>>12181067
I wish i could pass away yesterday night, or this night, or any night, for the quicker it would come the better it would be
I dont want to live, i know im miserable, in every single way, my what seem qualities don't actually exist, im just a lie to myself
Im nothing, im worthless and a waste of space and time, i am a machine of frustration to others and a pusher away.
I just want to be alone, living everyday at my own shadow, because i know that just by being alone someone else won't get wrapped up in my existence, and that's the best i can do for them
I may love someone, i may want to be their thoughts and their reason to lie to themselfs that theyre happy
But as time always told me, i just mess it up, and i will mess up, so please just let me go away, just be happy, just let me if possible die
I want to stop myself, from everything, i know the world will be so much better, so it's just time to go now, im sorry for hating myself so much, but the truth is that im just honest, and i want everything over, i want happiness to others, because i know i will never get it.
3/3

>>12181066
>>12181067
This is a classic case of clinical depression. Getting Professional help will do wonders

"i haven't gotten over myself yet": the thread