how the hell do I fix this?

Do you have a wet/dry vac? I think I'd try sucking everything out, then removing the toilet bowl to get rid of the bend, and either pour cleaner right into the drain or try to clear it with the snake or vacuum.

Something seems kinda off about your whole situation, though (Poppy seeds? Can't call a plumber? Uh huh), but that's none of my business.

Trying to keep the people I'm living with (my parents because I'm disabled) from knowing I made poppy seed tea (basically a legal narcotic) a couple times recently because it would cause problems even if they realize I'm not an addict.
Not to mention that it just plain stinks soon after you're done with the seeds.
I don't look forward to the smell it would put out while working but using my Shop-Vac is a great idea. I'll go buy a better plunger before I try that because I think my cheapo one isn't getting a decent seal.
Part of the plumber deal is not wanting them to find out about the seeds that may or may not be in there, but I also don't want to burden them more than I already do, especially for a problem of my own doing.
If nothing else I'll rip out the toilet myself on one of my relatively good days.

>>1043379
I'm all about DIY. but when it comes to this, just call in the pros. Theyll get it done faster than you ever could.

For fucks sake the other anon is suggesting removing the stool completely. Thats a lot of work you can fuck up if you don't know how to or can't fix it afterwards.

Not to mention youve been sick, the last thing your immune system needs is to be fucking around with the sewage parts of your home.

>violently ill
>large volumes of poppy seeds

nice try, junkie

>>1043379
They sell these metal snakes that you can shove down in there and clear blockages.

My advice though is buy the BEST plunger you can find and plunger the fuck out if the toliet in a hateful, forcefully violent manner. Push it in and yank it out as forcefully as you can. It works 9/10 and cheaper than the snake.

Draino is useless. Don't even bother with it.

Just fucking snake it, for fuck's snake.

Thanks for all the input. After over a dozen attempts with my crappy plunger, a snake, and some bacterial enzyme stuff, it turns out the solution was grabbing a plunger with the flanges instead of the cheap suction cup type.
It took under a minute to clear completely and I barely used any force because it was almost full to the brim.
I feel like a fucking retard for wasting hours on this problem that's solved with a few bucks and a trip to a store not a mile away.
sage