Spider-man (1967) Return of the Flying Dutchman

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This episode begins mid-storm and was shit post in front of a live studio audience

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Sailor: HEY CAPTAIN HEY CAPTAIN LOOK CAPTAIN HEY CAPTAIN PAY ATTENTION TO ME CAPTAIN LOOK CAPTAIN LISTEN!

Captain: Every day. Every GODDAMN day whenever he thinks he sees something.

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Sailor: Hey Captain! Captaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!

Captain: WHAT. IS. IT. PAUL?

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Captain: That be more than a mere something, boy! Red Alert! Reverse course and raise shields!

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HMMMMMM is that a large ship or those be tiny waves?

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That be a cursed ship! The Flying Dutchman! I'd know that Doom forboddin' ship anywhere! I feel it in me beard.

Oh yeah! Older Spider-man episodes
https://pastebin.com/86qedmQu

And the Fantastic Four ones.
http://pastebin.com/tjREijhZ

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Jameson: Parker! You know about useless things! What's this about a flying dutch man riding around in the story and why should I care who he is?

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WELL ACTUALLY Mr. Jameson the Flying Dutchman is a vessel who forebodes disaster and despair for all who see it and if you should ever hail it, it'll warn you of disaster or give messages to long dead people.

>>40396
Thank god captain dorfbeard is out there on the beach in the middle of a storm.

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What do you have against the Dutch, Parker? Are you trying to insinuate that the Dutch haven't made great accomplishments to the field of aviation because I won't have that talk in my office.

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A Dutch Bros coffee shop opening on the ocean?! How exciting! I've got to try it!

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Jameson: Is that what he's getting at in that irritating teenager roundabout way of speaking? Coffee? On the ocean?! It's my wildest dream come true! Parker! Go down to the ocean and get me some coffee!

Peter: And the ghost ship?

Jameson: IT DOESN'T EXIST. But get a picture of it anyways.

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Peter, since you're going on a coffee run anyways could you pick me up something while you're there? I'll get pictures of Spider-man, it can't be too hard to do if you can do it.

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Peter: Ok so what do you want?

Betty: Can I get a Venti single-origin Latte, 1/4 one percent and 3/4 half-whole milk with a quad, stirred, steamed to 120, half-foam, lite whip, double vanilla shot with a caramel drizzle on top, and on top of the caramel drizzle I'm gonna need a couple of shakes of cinnamon, and on top of that, another dash of whip (half of what you originally put on it) and then a sprinkling of lite-sugar-free chocolate gluten-free vegan sprinkles. That's it. You wouldn't charge a pretty girl money for that would you?

Peter: Why no Betty! No I wouldn't! Do you know any pretty girls?

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The ocean winds they howl! Calling my name, calling me in deeper, to solve the mystery of the Dutchman and free all the lost souls aboard. Have to keep a sharp, keen eye. Ever-vigilant.

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Stupid Jameson making me go on a coffee run in the middle of a storm and not listening to a word I say making me walk in the middle of the rain getting sand in my feets. And that Betty! She's really pushing it today! Someday I need to take a stand... take a stand and ... kill her.

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Sea Captain: Deadpool goddamnit I told you that you were never to come back to me beach ever again! Bans for streaking stick for life!

Spider-man: No! I'm Spider-man! Different costume! kinda

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Spider-lubber eh? Never heard of ye.

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I'm here looking for the Flying Dutchman! Have you heard of the legend?

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Sea Captain: Why I'll be! Someone else has heard of the Dutchman too?! It's no legend it be fact! Seen it with my own eyes.

Spider-man: Really?! What's your favorite part!

Sea Captain: The ominous warnings of course!

Spider-man: ME TOO!

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Sea Captain: Look at us! Toegther we could blow the whole lid off the mystery and give /x/ something to chew on and give them something other than tulpas to talk about!

Spider-man: Where do we go!

Sea Captain: The Dutchman was last seen around Smuggler's Cove and it comes out in storms. Just like this one.

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Smugglers cove? Where is it? And there's not by any chance going to be a pirate fox out there when I check is there?

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Sea Captain: Nay, the cove is there Spider-Lubber. You keep going that way and you can't miss it.

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But ye shouldn't even think about going there. Look at you! Ye hardly even a man! No beard! No jacket! Why would ye come here so unprepared for the dangers of the sea!

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Fuck you, I'm Spider-man, I'm prepared for anything! I have a Spider sense to warn me about this stuff I don't need an old man doing it too.

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Now where was smugglers cove.... oh right to the left.

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THERE IT IS! RIGHT AS HE SAID IT WOULD BE
OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD

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Now for a pic to entrap their souls!

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Ha ha oh wow I was holding the camera backwards! Oh silly me!

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Spider sense! Tingling! In danger of a burly man and the rain is going to make me catch my death!

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GOTCHA

Too slow slowpoke!

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What what the Captain talking about? I got this covered no problemo!

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FUCK

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Who do you think you are? Walking around taking pictures of things with cameras?!

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Hold it Jake, do you want the police on our trail?

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You're right Gilligan! You've gotten so much more useful since you chose the dark path. Let's go report this to the boss! He'll know what to do!

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EEEEEUUUUUUGHHHHHHH we need a better door

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At least the Cove Door Opener works

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WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IN MY OFFICE? ITOLDYOUTOWATCHFORTHESUB

>>39848
bump 'cause I'm reading it

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Jake: But boss! There was some guy taking pictures of the Dutchman!

Gilligan: A strange fish, that guy.

>>42157
thanks

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Mysterio: ONE OF THE VILLAGERS?

Gilligan: Boss, we live in New York. There's no villagers here or anywhere.

Jake: He was some sort of character, possibly fictional, throwing weblike substances from his spinners and there was some sort of ant on his chest, I think

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SPIDER-MAN! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SPIDER-MAN! HE'S SOME JACKASS IN PAJAMAS WHO EXISTS JUST TO FUCK UP MY DAY

We need to get rid of him before the sub arrives or he'll ruin everything!

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So you want us to take care of him? The bad way?

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... no. I had an internal debate with myself and I won and I decided that I'll kill him myself because you guys would just screw it up. You two put on some makeup and stand around and look pretty.

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Whalloping websnappers! Feels like somebody dropped anchor on my head!

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Whoever attacked me left a nice trail to follow and god god they need to see a doctor

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Aha! A trail leading right to that ship!

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This must be smugglers cove. I mean, what else could it be?

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HMMMM something smells fishy around here and it's not the cargo

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Whoa hey this place is falling apart

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Something's coming to deck everyone's favorite Spider

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After you, my barrel chested friend.

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Mast we go through all this trouble before the villain shows himself?

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Spider-man: First time I've been attacked by a ship!

>AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME OF THE CREDIT

Spider-man: whodat

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AHAHAHAHA

Spider-man: Mysterio! Get down from there this instant!

Mysterio: Not until the poledance is finished! And if you have any ones, this belt has plenty of room!

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I've been pining for this moment since last time!

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And now it's finally time to strike!

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You just got back from the alley eh? And you stole the pins and NOT the balls?

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Mysterio: Why steal them when I'm already having a ball?

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YOU STOP THAT

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Mysterio: Did you forget I was once a stuntman?

Spider-man: That was last week! ... yes.

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Oh boy here's that smog again. Say, how did you get out of jail so quickly?

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You know that Mysterio is the master of illusions and the notion that the court system is fair and just is the greatest illusion of all! Now chase me! Come and get me!

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Get back here! We're going to need to use your fishbowl!

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Drat! The lock is broken!

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Are you gonna open door, or are we gonna have to get mean?

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Now that's how you use your head!

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Where'd he run off too? You'd think a guy in green and purple would be hard to miss. Oh no! I'm adrift!

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No wheel!

I miss the Billy & Mandy storytimes that /mlp/ used to have.

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And no sail! That's actually... more important.

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Ahahaha! Good luck fighting against the Perfect Storm™ with your famed spider strength ahahahahahaha!

Swim all the way back to gloat and it was worth it!

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Aye, this be the curse of the Dutchman. That Spider-lubber wouldn't listen and now nothing will stay his doom.

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Just have to fix ourselves up a sail first...

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Better than duct tape

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But we need a rudder too, but what does that even look like?

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This! This looks right! Now get back to shore is that port or starboard? Which one is left or right?

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Next time we'll make an entire ship out of webbing and sail the waves looking for mermaids and adventure!

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SO LOOK AT THIS SLIDE We'll use THIS one to scare the beejeebus out of those villagers!

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Jake: They're not villagers.

Mysterio: Look, HENCHMAN. Stop sassing. You are going to sit there on NOTHING until you get with the program. Your quads will thank me later.

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Now we're going to run through this again. So what are you going to do?

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You want us to point this hairdryer thingy over the water and make a ship fly places?

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Close enough. And when everyone is scared away I'll signal the sub!

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Mysterio: Now you guys get going! We've got to be professionals about this!

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Soon! Very Soon! I'll finally have enough gold to buy all the power I want!

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This boating business is fun! Next I should go set a course for the Spanish Main! Why hasn't I been at sea all my life! Tragedy and Parker luck can't strike you when you're on a boat!

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A ghost ship! Mysterio would know how to make that appear! Awww look at that CGI it looks SO BAD

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He's up to something, but what? I'll have to put off chasing that white whale everyone's talking about and check out for something unusual...

Yeah these are webnoculars too. So what?

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A submarine! In smugglers cove! It makes perfect sense! Why didn't I see it before?

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The Dutchman has brought trouble aplenty. Another ship lured to its doom and this Captain has stayed ashore for too long and things have gone too far out of hand! Three days from retirement but this madness has to be stopped!

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LIFT. NO DONT LIFT WITH YOUR KNEES, YOU LIFT WITH YOUR HANDS AND ARMS YOU MORON

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Two men taking tainted treasure. There's no mistaking it. ONE CAPTAIN. ALONE. WITHOUT A SHIP. MUST BREAK A CURSE.

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Spider sense says there's a whopper down there in danger of getting away!

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Deadliest catch? Maybe for them.

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Spider-sense tells me there's even BIGGER fish in here!

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Mysterio: Beautiful! Look at all this treasure! It's rare for subs to carry it but the Spanish haven't learned their lesson from the past 400 years. Now we have to divide the spoils so let's whip out those calculators

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Hey can I have some too? I helped.

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Spider-man! This time Spider-man you're not getting away! I've mastered the blade and my goons are cut-ups!

>>40019
is that a jojo pose

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Spider-man: You mean they're bad at their jobs?

Mysterio: N-no! Mysterio isn't good at ad-libbing!

>>45536
Everything is a jojo pose

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Help! Hold on a second! My jump animation got frozen in midair. Time out until it's debugged!

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Much better! Now to make a blade of my own! Tempered Spider-steel folded over 1,000 times!

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Now who's first?!

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*poke* *poke* *poke*

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Spider-man: Or all three of you that's fine too

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POOR SWORDPLAY FORM

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TOO SLOW

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ARE YOU EVEN TRYING? MY AUNT COULD FIGHT HARDER THAN YOU. SHE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW WHICH IS NOTHING

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Yeah I see you back there. Nice try!

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I'm making a mess and you can't stop me and you're gonna clean it up!

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Mysterio: Rush him! He can't stab all three of us!

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Whoa whoa there was a sword in this hand and now it's gone! Help me I'm so confused!

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It's on the floor. Go join it.

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Spider-man: Nice hustle on the lunge but I'm still not calling you little buddy

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Mysterio: You can't outfight me!

Spider-man: Is that what you're calling it?

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Can't.... see!

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Hey webhead! Look what I found!

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AND SO HE GOES.

ONE MAN ALONE, INTO THE GAPING MAW OF THE CAVE THAT REEKS OF DANGER AND CERTAIN DEATH SHOULD ANY MISTAKE BE MADE. FILLED WITH DETERMINATION, COURAGE, AND OVERCOOKED BRATWURST, HE STEELS HIMSELF TO FACE THE UNKNOWN, TO LAY HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR THE MANY INNOCENTS WHO LAY SLEEPING AND UNAWARE THAT THEIR FATES NOW REST IN HIS MEATY, CALLOUSED HANDS.

A BRAVE SOUL, ALONE IN THE WORLD HE LOVES SO MUCH, DESTINED FOR GREATNESS OR FAILURE. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

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Mysterio: Behold! The canon death of Spider-man! Any last words?

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Take your best shot

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Webbing plugging up a cannon? What's that going to do? This isn't one of those old cartoons.

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That can't be right.

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SHIT

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Mysterio: Get him! He's all worn out from kicking our shit in!

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I'll supervise

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Nah this Spider's full of pep and you guys are just full of it.

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WE'LL JIG OUR WAY OUT.

WHY ISN'T IT WORKING

IT'S CAUSE YOUR MOVES AREN'T FLY ENOUGH

WELL YOU'RE JUKING WHEN YOU SHOULD BE JIVING

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AND SO HE DESCENDS

TWIN SPECTRES OF PERIL AND DOUBT ASSAIL HIM FROM ALL SIDES, BUT AMIDST THIS HE PRESSES ON.

IS DEATH WHAT AWAITS HIM? VICTORY? MEDIOCRITY?

HE MAKES NO ATTEMPT TO DISCERN THE FUTURE IN THE COLD, GRIMY DARKNESS THAT ENVELOPS HIM LIKE SOME ESTRANGED LOVER.

ALL HE KNOWS IS TO GO FORWARD. NO MAN TAKES A STEP BACK AND CALLS HIMSELF A MAN.

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Sea Captain: Spider-matey?! You're still breathin'! I thought Poseidon had swallowed you whole!

Spider-man: Hey what's up Sea Dawg?! Just finishing up here let's go talk about boats some more after we're done ok?

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Look at me! I'm bringing a gun to a sword fight and I'm fabulouuuuuuuus

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LIKE A COBRA WHOSE FANGS GLINT IN ITS SPLIT-SECOND STRIKE, LIKE A TIGER WHOSE EYES GLOW WITH PREDATORY PROWESS AS IT GOES IN FOR THE KILL, A MAN MUST SPURN HIS BODY INTO ACTION FOR THE GOOD OF THE WORLD AND ALL WHO INHABIT IT.

ONLY SECONDS TO SPARE.

BUT WHAT IS STRONGER... A BULLET, OR A MAN'S RESOLVE TO SEE JUSTICE RING TRUE?

360 NO TELESCOPE

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Ow my hand! My gorgeous, handsome hand!

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Back to prison. WEBHEAD WHY CAN'T THE WORLD TAKE ME AS A SERIOUS THREAT. I HAD A GUN I HAD A SWORD AND YET NO ONE WANTS TO DO A MOVIE ABOUT THE CROOK WITH A BACKGROUND IN CINEMA

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Spider-man: Hey thanks man! You're the best, Sea Captain! Hey since I have a boat how about you and me go deep sea fishing and look for buried treasure and stuff!

Sea Captain: Sorry Spider-Matey but that ship has sailed.

Spider-man: But I thought we had a bond, a bond of men!

Sea Captain: Nay, I mean you forgot to make a web anchor. Your ship's gone.

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Spider-man: Hey what about the submarine? Can we take that?! It should be webbed in place!

Sea Captain: Harpooned that tin can before I came here.

Spider-man: Awwwww is this where we part ways?

Sea Captain: I'll treat ye to fish and chips first but yes.

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Jameson: WHAT IS THIS? I SEND PARKER TO GET COFFEE AND DUTCH MEN AND HE COMES BACK WITH PICTURES OF PICTURES? THE WHOLE THING WAS A HOAX AND I'M NOT GOING TO PAY HIM

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THE WHOLE TIME I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO END UP THIS WAY. THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS OR ANY WORLD THAT CAN SHOCK AND SCARE THIS PUBLISHER

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Is that so? How about you turn around and look out the window?

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OH NO! SHIPPING! AT THE BUGLE?! THIS PLACE WAS THE LAST BASTION AGAINST LOVE AND WE HAVE A CONTAINMENT BREACH

No! no! We can't have J. Betah Bramison!

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Mr. Jameson? Wake up! Mr. JAMESON?! OH GOD HIS HEART STOPPED! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE

>>49362
Get his pills!

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Relax folks, he's fine. He suppresses his heartbeat to frighten his secretary from time to time to bring himself joy. It's the little things.


THE END

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And that's all for this week, this was a strange strange episode. Until next time!

By /cock/ you won't exist tomorrow but it's been nice to have /ck/ over as guests! Don't be a stranger now!

>>40782
> it can't be too hard if you can do it.

Poor teenage Peter can't handle this kind of verbal abuse.

>>48459
Thought you were posting Double Dragon Neon for a second.

bump 4 oc

>>39848
yaaaay thank you for this wondeful episode

Another saturday well spend

>>61325