How do I make crab legs, /cock/? Also, theater experience thread.

>take my seat nice and early
>movie starts
>attendant approaches me
>he wants to clean out the birdcage above me
>have to stand up while he cleans it out
>guy behind can't see and starts swearing at me
>bird gets pissed off and starts screeching and rattling the cage
>spills water dish on the woman in front of me
>everyone in the cinema has stopped watching the movie and is turning and glaring at me
>attendant finally finishes up and lets me sit down again
>have a sip of my drink
>it's full of bird seed

>Go to Theatre downtown
>Brought my falconette (Lisa) to get past the no singles policy (We're common law married)
>They let me in no problems
>No Theater operator is Muslim and has banned popcorn because it's not halal
>I ask for some sort of replacement snack
>He pulls a huge, 20 pound bag of imported, uncooked rice onto the counter
>He fills my cup with dry grains of rice and tells me it's just a s good
>Okay fine, I take it but I ask for some Live Mice to feed Lisa, my wife
>Mice are halal too (what the fuck?)
>Ask for another replacement
>He gives me some live Death's-head Hawkmoths, "the jew of the animal world" (???)
>Take Lisa and out snacks to the shower room
>Men's showers are broken so I have to use the birdbath with Lisa
>It's dirty, stagnant, and filled with litter
>Finally get to out seats after our gross bath
>Jem and the Holograms, things seem good so far
>Liza DOES NOT like the moths, I try to calm her down but she starts screeching and circling, looking for prey (luckily it was only us in the theater)
>I try eating the rice grains, it's fucking hard
>halfway through the flick I get the "grumpy dumpies"
>Run to the bathroom and shoot buckshot out my ass because of the undigested rice
>I pass out from rectal bleeding in the stall
>Lisa found me 4 hours later
>Get fined for the mess: $5,000 plus 75% tip

it was a good time

>wait in lobby of mall/theater
>see two young women walking out
>start chatting them up
>eventually we ask them if they have their ticket stubs
>they happily give them to us
>ditch the bitches
>go up to theater, show stubs to guy
>he waves us in without even bothering to look
>I would too if it was fucking 12AM
>opening night for Terminator Genesys, go watch it
>90 minutes into the film some of the lights come on above
>friend goes out while I continue watching
>lights go off 10 minutes later, friend comes back soon after
>he said he complained his asshole off
>after movie, guy waiting outside gives everyone a free ticket coupon
>while walking to motorcycle pull out cell phone and give theater 2 star yelp review

>walk to the cinema to see the new Goosebumps film
>I'm a single but, but the girl at the ticket booth felt bad for me and agreed to let in if I bought 2 tickets instead
>half time at cinema
>jumbo garlic crab legs ran right through me
>desperately need to shit but the toilets are out of order
>duck into transgender shower with a locking door while no one is looking
>insert shower token and water starts running
>pull down my pants and release on shower floor
>try to push rancid garlic-crab shit down the drain
>pushed about 75% of the rancid mass down the drain before the water shuts off
>already used the last of my tokens
>pull pants up and try to sneak back to my seat before half time ends
>cinema cops see me leaving transgender bathroom and preform on the spot penis inspection
>the lady cop preforming the inspection is hot and I instantly get erect and fail
>they ask for my cinema partner's phone number so they can come and retrieve me
>mfw
>detained at the cinema for 48 hours
>they let me leave after preforming a lengthy psych evaluation and background test
>forget to tip the doctor and get banned from the cinema for 6 months
>still don't know how Goosebumps ends

>2 weeks ago, seeing Spectre
>take my falcon to get past the no single policy
>take my pre-movie shower, get my crab legs, get a nice seat in the middle
>everything's going well
>first part of the movie's pretty entertaining
>they start the dance intermission
>but they forgot to pause the movie
>i'm trying to pay attention but the music's really loud and everyone's clapping
>it looks like a cool scene where they're fighting on a train
>I really wanna know what's happening but can't hear anything
>people keep dancing in front of the screen
>"STOP THE MOVIE" I scream
>it never stops
after 15 minutes the music stops and everyone sits back down
>no idea what's going on in the movie
>no one else seems to notice
>I start to cry
>my falcon lets out a loud, comforting screech
>mfw kicked out of the theater for being disruptive

>go to theater to see The Woman in Black
>while buying tickets at counter, the person turns around their monitor and ask us which seat I'd like to choose
>the front half of the auditorium is greyed out, with smatterings of the rear half avaliable
>grab the best seat available
>enter theater, head over to the showing
>when I enter showing I'm greeted with the delightful sight of the entire front half filled with blacks
>all the rear half have white and asians
>take my designated seat
>can see dozens of cell phone screens
>previews start, dindu nuffins hollering and making noises
>shaniquapottimuses babble ebonics every 30 seconds
>previews end
>the theater videos saying to be quiet and turn off your cell phones comes out
>start getting, a loud ass noise erupts that sounds like moving gears
>large pane of glass descends
>coon who was leaning too far back has his head crushed
>the sliding pane hits the floor with a loud boom
>discovery channel nature sounds are replaced with clicking noises as the pane locks into place
>movie begins
>reach into my arm rest and pull out earbuds
>person next to me gives me a disgusted look
>"Don't you want to enjoy the movie?"
>try to ignore him and put in ear buds
>the moment I put them in I can hear a black woman go "*click* Mmmmmhmmmm!"

>running late to flick at cinema cineplex
>no time to shower
>rush to get to cinema bathhouse
>15 min wait minimum
>fuck it
>push my way through line
>local high school football team taking up every stall
>make my way to shower
>turn on water
>ice cold
>forget that hot cinema water goes quick
>dick shrivels to the size of a cocktail pickle
>jocks surround me
>roll up their towels and rat tail me
>drop my pouch of toilet tokens
>grab my clothes and run out
>hand ticket constable my paperwork
>no singles policy
>go home

Honestly not the worst way to spend a friday night.