Valerian: UhOh

>Here is a quick list of the movie’s top failings:

>-Infodumps! And not just maid-and-butler dialog, either. There were scenes that played out like a bored kindergarten teacher reading a Wikipedia article to a room full of robots.
>-Dane HeHaan1, who played Valerian, sounded like he was doing a Keanu Reeves imitation, except he left out all the emotion.
>-Cara Delevingne2, the actress who played Laureline, totally convinced me that Laureline was an android.
>-Half of the film’s dialog was throwaway lines like “bring thrusters up to full” or “scanning for DNA now.”
>The romantic arc was obviously written by somebody who has never been in love, but who has heard lots of nice things about it, and maybe read a saucy book once.


>There were some things that the film did well, of course:

>-The special effects were nice.
>-It was projected in an establishment that serves popcorn.
>-It was about the right length for a movie.
>-The colors were vibrant, and were on the screen instead of in my lap.

>Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets deserves top billing in a future season of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was only slightly less painful to watch than Cry Wilderness or Starcrash. It clears my Threshold of Disappointment3, obviously, and does so with such aplomb that I almost feel like apologizing to Transformers: The Last Knight.

>1 Dane Dehaan is a fine actor. I can only surmise that the director very vehemently demanded the most wooden performance possible.
>2 Cara Delevingne was one of the best things about Suicide Squad. Again, it’s my theory that Besson4 required her to pretend to be a replicant with poor social camouflage, and trouper that she is, she nailed the performance.
>3 Some people will love this film, and will be quite angry at how disappointed I am with it. It’s important to realize that our reactions to art are mostly due to what we bring with us. The art only activates what’s already in our heads and hearts. I really wish I had a bag full of “You’ll love Valerian” with me in the theater, but I did not.
>4 I have loved some of Besson’s other work, particularly The Fifth Element, which is still one of my all-time favorite films.

I have never seen him being so harsh with any movies ever. Obviously, he came with big expectation, increasing his disappointment, but it really doesn't bold well for that movie I really expected a lot from...

>>94033340
Well shit. so much for SF european movies. You fail me yet again, Besson.

>Based on a french comic most have likely never heard of.

Course its gonna have dense as fuck exposition.

People gotta get caught up on a film that has literature going back decades.

A Netflix series would have worked better. Easier to decompress.

>>94033401
>Course its gonna have dense as fuck exposition.
>People gotta get caught up on a film that has literature going back decades.
Or, you know, you can start with the beginning like the comics did and let the lore unravel organically.

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>>94033401

thats american way of experts, sire!

>>94033435

HA HA HA nah. That's too much a gamble we've got to get right into the most interesting story that'll have the most flash.

>>94033305
I can't wait for the art book

>>94033401
>>94033510
>>94033513
>>94033614
You upset that your last shill thread >>94032772 didn't work hmmmm?

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>>94033305
>Howard Taylor

who the fuck is that?

>>94033305
Rifftrax is going to be great

>>94033647
do you have alot of free time and feel like bingereading huge amount of "okay-at-the start but then it become better and better" SF comic?

Then it's your lucky day. Howard Taylor is the writter of Schlock mecernary. A relatively-hard Science Ficon comics about a bunch of space mercenaries.
http://www.schlockmercenary.com/

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>>94033723
>Schlock mecernary

never heard about. i think this guy is a looser. fuck him. Movie is great and hillarious french fun.

>>94033755
>never heard about
You should read his work, it's good.

Not really a loser, his webcomic is good enough that he can live of it.

>>94033314
>“scanning for DNA now.”
This is hilariously bad. I guess I'll hold my shekels for Nolan wank.

>>94033723
>>94033841
>webcomic's been going for 17 years and his art still sucks
lol, and don't try the 'muh style' defense, this is indefensible after nearly two decades.

>>94033929
>don't try the 'muh style' defense
I won't, the art is objectively good.

Also, the "it has been going for xxx years and the art hasn't changed" has always been a BS complain. Once the art can carry the story, the art not changing is a zero issue.

>>94033929
first time I see anyone here on 4chan call Schlock Mercenaries bad.

>>94033340
So it's doing better than suicide flop?

Is the comic any good?

Luc Besson has never done a good movice since The Fifth Element, you all should know that by now.

He's dead since he's not fucking Milla anymore.

You're surprised the retard who made Lucy is making shit movies?

>>94034959
He also did Leon and Fifth element.

>>94034991
Not anymore he ain't.

Well the trailer I saw before Apes sure looked like shit, so I'm not that surprised.

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It's amazing how they gave Cara Delavigne's eyebrows more screentime than herself desu

>>94033891
>>94033314
Have you never watched star trek? Or any faux military film/tv? They usually tell you what is going on so that it's not just random button press button press, "I found them sir!". The standard movie going public is too stupid to put two and two together. Seriously, look at War for the Planet of the Apes discussions. People are seriously too stupid to figure out things that happened right in front of them.

>>94033614
True enough.

>Movie sucks
>english releases are censored
>Not learning a language for a single comic
Well, I guess I might as well just forget about this series.

>>94033340
shit

>>94033332
>2 Cara Delevingne was one of the best things about Suicide Squad.
If he believes this and thinks this movie is shit this thing must be the biggest piece of shit of all time.

>>94035328
Or it might mean his taste is shit and can't be trusted

>>94033723
Well, at the actual start it's _terrible_. Tayler recommends a starting point a few years in, but I don't recall exactly where.

>>94035328
Casting Delevigne as Laureline on the basis of her work on SS is very suspect IMO. Perhaps the most fundamental thing about Laureline is joy, and that's not what Delevigne does well.

>>94034653
ye it is great, has the best parts of star wars and james bond in it

>>94035297
The difference, here, is that in the examples you are giving, they actually did it right and make it sounds like they actually knew what they were doing.

>>94035500
On the archive page http://www.schlockmercenary.com/archives/
Howard advice to start with Book 10, if the beginning is to difficult to penetrate:
>f you don't want to go back to the very beginning, scroll on down to Book 10: The Longshoreman of the Apocalypse!

>>94034633
Not really that had a pretty high fan rating and higher average rating

>>94035318
You do know they released English translation right? Or are you just a fucking idiot?

>>94035318
>>english releases are censored
Wait what?

Belgian, here, I considred seeing the subbed instead of the french dubbed version at my theatre because the movie was shot in English, but does that means I have to see the Fench dub to have the non-sensored part?

>>94035710
I don't know the context of "Scanning for DNA now" is, but that seems perfectly reasonable if they are unsure if human or earth life is there. I don't see a problem with it as you're dealing with aliens, androids, and possibly non-carbon based lifeforms. Judging from the anon I was replying to, it sounded like he never saw it so I'm not sure how you know what the context is if you're the same anon.

>>94035772
>english releases are censored

>>94035827
I don't know, but I'd say "scanning for Biological trace now" would make more sense, as detecting if a planet as life by seeking for DNA seems to me like the least effective way to do so. there has plenty of easier way to detect life without seeking for a DNA pattern.

>>94035792
The comics. All the english releases I know of censored pretty much all nudity at the very least.

>>94035328
>>94035544
That's what happens when you cast somebody solely because her family runs GQ/Vogue/The Daily Mail.

>>94033305
Were the robots at least cool?

>>94033305
dammit besson, why can't you get your shit together?

>>94035869
Sure, if the context is scanning a planet. What if they're scanning a pool of liquid for a bit of DNA? Like, actual DNA, since they're not sure if they'll find finger, bone, a,bit of a leaf, blood,etcetc. Clearly dead, but still has DNA.

i really liked Besson's 5th Element for its beauty, and set detail, and Willis' performance - but it was incredibly shallow for its characterisation and story

'Lucy' had even less depth, saving up all it's energy for a few FX moments couched by a dull plot and a dull performance from Johansson

so i'm not surprised that Valerian is similarly described as being vibrantly colourful with robotic acting

but that really is a pity, because if there's anything i'd like to see coupled with the eye of Luc Besson, it would the storytelling to match

>>94033305

Its not good but its not like Jupiter Ascending bad. Hes right about the flat performances though. Cara is better then him but Im pretty sure thats because she is a hot chick with strong eyebrows to keep your eyes on her. Definitely that was a directorial decision or something to play the characters stoic or something and I really think she just did a better job. Rhiana scene was interesting but didn't fit the story.

Overall the visuals were good, really felt like the fifth element. Hopefully they carry the mostly basic story and the flat performances. The dialog wasnt very interesting either.

Watched it last night only because spending time with nephew and it looked like it would interest a kid. Plus he had seen everything else. And he seemed bored multiple times through the movie I would look over to see him playing games with his hands and shit. 11 years old. So I guess even he was bored.

>>94033401

They could have star treked the dialog instead of dna this dna that. The movie wasnt that complex.

>>94033614

Whoever is responsible the the visuals should get some kind of recognition.

Uggh, my roommate really wants to see this based solely on the trailer, he doesnt read comics at all and I've never read this. I liked 5th Element of course but Lucy was hot garbage on fire.

Maybe I should go to the AMC, they have booze at least.

>>94036095
i think we're all gonna see it, anon - because we know it's going to lavishly beautiful

and we're all going to be really miffed that the story is poop

>>94035869
Just about every last living thing on this planet has DNA. If not that, what SHOULD they be scanning for?

>>94033314
>Cara Delevingne2, the actress who played Laureline, totally convinced me that Laureline was an android.
Kek
Finally a critic calls out that cunt for being a godawful actress

>>94036197
fart.

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Valerian is basically a Star Wars prequel. It even had three midget Jar-Jar Binkses.

>>94036247
He liked her in Suicide Squad.

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>>94036294
That's how they were in the comic, though. Still, the direction was very Lucas-esque.

While I had an interest in the movie, the thing that was preventing me from giving it my full attention was the lead actors looking really really dull to watch especially in the trailers. Especially Valerian's.

>>94035869

Everything is easy enough to understand but its the use of non common to every day life things that is just off putting. They could have just said scanning or lifeforms detected or something. Only occasionally was the detail needed they could have hand waved a ton and made the dialog more natural to let non scifi fans get into the movie. The only time I can think of that was needed was some kind of consciousness detecting thing when they were doing the flashback to the battle above the planet.

And considering this thing was essentially a mystery plot they could have made the villain harder to spot right off the bat.

>>94035925

All of the visuals are good. I cant remember many robots except for the enforce droid things and the gold floating ones that they flashed to when talking about other species.

>>94036294
>>94036327

They were not Jar Jar levels of shit. They were alright and I was more entertained when I thought they were either beefing on on Cara or leaking her info with her permission for profit. Greed as motivation can make entertaining characters.

>>94036327
Besson was always style over substance.

>>94034959
>http://www.schlockmercenary.com/
He used to do good movies, like 20 years ago.

>>94036494
Lock Out was fun

>>94033314
>It was about the right length for a movie.
No it wasn't, it's way too long for how boring it is

>>94035090
I'd nut all over those desu

>>94033305
Besson hasn't made a good movie since The Fifth Element. I'm not surprised that this movie has been received the way it is.

No one seems to mention how much the Chinese money involved in producing this movie shoved them into it. Many of the computer screens include Chinese writing around them and the two subordinates that work for the "good" General are fucking Chinese. The guy can't act at all and his English is shit, but we gave him a lot of lines in his thick accent anyone. Meanwhile the girl's English is so good you might not even noticed that she was Chinese, but she has almost no lines.

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>>94033305
OK, I saw clips of this and it looked amazing, about time someone takes sci-fi design to the next level because face paint and cardboard can only do so much. That said a story is want makes a work stand.
And this is where I get very confused. I have not seen this film, but I did watch a cartoon which has a striking similarity too it. Sadly I did not finish as it started red hot then just dragged on and on. Had the penniless world class mercenariness types that make no sense expect the plot demands they make no money for the status quot despite saving the planet.
Then I come to find the ship is connected to Rip Hunter, yes the Rip Hunter.
Now I got to know how these all fit together, how does a licenses contract get so messed up that it jumps companies, universes, time lines (that part actually makes sense), media, national boundaries and every other barrier I can think of. I mean I traces its sources to a comic thats ran for 43 years and was cited as inspirational reference for Star Wars and The Fifth Element.

In short how did each version get made, and does batman or some one else show up in the film as a forced cross market tie in?
Also is it worth seeing?

>>94036755
What on Earth are you babbling on about?

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>>94036755
I watched the first five or six episodes. Unless it gets way better as it goes, it's not very good. It's also got little in common with the original comic.

>>94035328
But she was tho.

What was the best part? The joker? Ayo hol up? Harley? They were all shit.

Frankly tye best part of the movie was Waller, then Batman, powergap, Cara.

>>94036822
>Firefly that high
>Red Dwarf and Hitch Hikers Guide in mid-tier
I love The Expanse too but I'm fine with it being mid-tier. Whoever made this image has shit taste.

>>94036822
>Red Dwarf being that low
>Below fucking Firefly
Nah

>>94033305
>>94033314
>>94033332

who the fuck is this guy and why are people on this board never talking about him?

this is the kind of review that is actually great. he points out flaws and things he found positive and he even points out that it's just his subjective taste. why is it so hard for other reviewers nowadays to write reviews like this one?

>>94033340
This is exactly what I expected. Just another Jupiter Ascending; entirely focused on visual flair, with zero substance.

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>>94036801
I am talking about how the Valerian and Laureline is kind of a very old franchise (for lack of a better term) that is apparently much bigger then I ever understood. And I was hoping someone here could give me the 411 cliff-notes, as my digging is popping up more and more strange trivia all over the place. This is something big and I have only scathed the surface.

You look at Valerian bragging about how fast his ship is then getting encased in hard resin, with Laureline running around in a metal bikini. And you can't miss how much Star Wars took from this. And that just one part, it like some kind of Jules Verne level inspiration source for more then half the Sci-fi I can think of in some form. And yet I knew next to nothing about it.

>>94037028
The only critics /co/ and /tv/ acknowledge are Roger Ebert, Armond White and the "critics" of Channel Awesome.

>take the worst female "actor" who just get jobs, because faggots like her and a dude who looks like the emo version of her for the maincast

Serves them right.

>>94037072
JA was so fucking retarded in the writing and acting that the visual flair didn't distract from it. This Valarian seems like it isn't that poorly written like the spectacle can be enjoyed. Kinda like avatar.

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>>94037098
just found this to add

>>94033305
>Keep in mind Howard Tayler is the author of Schlock MErcenary, a really good SF webcomic
>Schlock MErcenary, a really good SF webcomic
>a good webcomic

ahahahahahahahahaha

>>94037166
>saucer shaped spaceship
>metal bikini
>medieval looking future armor
>facial scars
>aliens with trunks
idk man, none of these strike me as super original in the first place

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>>94037327
True, if one reduces things down everything is the same. And good ideas are good ideas regarless of who does them.

But when you see the larger parts things get more complicated.

>>94033929
Seventeen years and it has never missed a day. Every day for seventeen years there has been a strip. Naturally the art is simple, he'd have Kubo'd himself to death in a year trying to do fancy art every day.

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>>94037845
earlier on desert planet

I feel like i am the only one that didn't think 5th Element was very good beyond it's visuals and some action scenes.

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>>94033332
she looked cute though

>>94038780
No, I think that's the general consensus. The plot and characters are nothing special, but the overall effect is charming.

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>>94038780
No I argee, but those visuals were so epic and wildly diffrent from just about anything for its time. Thinking back a big part of it was they were overly vague about the ancient cosmic threat, which made the plot feel weaker then it was. They should have better communicated the cosmic horror thing they were trying to stop, or cut it out and just made it some weapons smuggling gone wrong story.

>>94033305
>>94033314
>>94033332
Just saw this movie last night and I can confirm this is all pretty much on the money. The two people I saw the movie with claimed the characters being so wooden was how they were in the comic but I find that hard to believe.

The first half hour of this movie are great and then it rapidly descends into being a shit show, mostly due to the two leads. There's a subplot where Valeria is trying to get Lauraline to marry him and for about half the movie I thought it was a like an inside joke between the two characters.

>>94033640
Nigger I don't care about movies. I like the art.

I got chappie's art book. Robots are cool.

Civil war was kinda boring in terms of art/imagination.

>>94037845
>>94038370
Did this come before or after Star Wars?

>>94039027
The dates are literally right on the image >>94037166

>>94039011

>I got chappie's art book. Robots are cool.

Chappie was also a good movie

>>94036755
>I have not seen this film, but I did watch a cartoon which has a striking similarity too it.
It's a (loose) cartoon adaptation of the comic. it has it's own merits, but some might not like the character change of Valerian. I guess he was too generic for a straight adaptation.

>>94039089
It was okay, I expected something else but got something "dirty"/sad

>>94037028
>this is the kind of review that is actually great
Like I said, he has very forgiving tastes. He enjoy a lot of movies other here consider to sucks.

you can find all of his reviews and ranking here:
http://www.schlockmercenary.com/pages/2017-movies/
But his main gig is his Schlock mercenary comic. Very good SF comic.

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>>94039027
before

some of these major sets and scenes are in the second book made 23 October 1969 - 19 March 1970.

Star Wars came out in 1977, but production started earlier. With Lucas saying he was playing with the idea as early as 1971.

I just found the English comics, and skimmed over #2, as it had many of these pictures in it.

It not as close as I thought, but the visual style and some of the key scene are very close. I could even argue I could mistake it as an earlier draft before some editor chopped it up. But it is not a line for line kind of thing. Lucas did add his own spin to it.

Still it would be very hard to say he wasn't inspired by it given how close some parts are.

What gets me is how cool scenes from this show up in other later works, copied in almost the same way. Like here's a awesome car chase with a flying taxi cab (1994). I got to have that in my movie (1997).

At least that is how I would do it, as I want to tell my story, but that amazing thing saw earlier I got to have that to becuse it is cool.

>>94035328
SS was shit, and Cara unironically was one of the only enjoyable things about it

>>94039583
What about that bit where she's samba dancing to create blue space laser?

>>94039623
I'm not saying she was good in it all the way through, because, again, that move was fucking terrible. But I was more likely to enjoy a scene if she was in it than any other individual element of the film.

>>94036517
He penned the script but wasn't the director. And he got sued about it because it was too close to New York 1997...

>>94036822
How is Stargate SG 1 so high and near Star Trek? It's a popcorn show. It aims at entertaining but have nothing to say.

>>94037072
Jupiter Ascending was a 4 or 6h show turned into a 2h movies with a bad casting. With a better casting and time to develop its story, it coul have been a lot better.

>>94039663
Fair enough.

>>94037222
there is such a thing. And schlock Mercenary is a very nice comic.

>>94037098
Translation:
Leia: "How funny to meet you here!"
Laureline: "Oh, we've been regulars here for a long time."

>>94038780
>>94038874
I really liked the movie, honestly.

>>94039473
I think it's more likely that one or more of Lucas' artists were influenced by Valerian than Lucas himself. Not only was Valerian still French-only at the time but the final product that is Star Wars/ANH bears little resemblance to his early drafts, which eventually formed the basis for the Phantom Menace.

>>94038933
>The two people I saw the movie with claimed the characters being so wooden was how they were in the comic but I find that hard to believe.
They aren't. They are more suave and most of the time, even in the heat of action, it feel like they are in their element an are naturals.

>>94038780
I like it a lot as a kid but it's very shallow. Characters and situations are fun but they're also quite retard.

>>94039965
Oh I do too, it's one of my favorites, but even I have to admit that everything about the plot and characters is cliche as fuck and carried only by the charm of the actors. Seriously Milla deserves a medal for making alien gibberish sound so believable

>>94039984
Lucas talked about how great some sf bande dessinée artists were just before or just after doing the first Star Wars.

>>94036295
Don't harsh Anon's /r9k/ mellow, Anon.

>>94037098
Tl;dr it's not huge, less than 2000 pages in all. Takes a while to find its voice, is real fun for a long time, ending is a bit weak. Weak by the standard of a strong comic, mind.

>>94033723
>hard science fiction
>space mercenaries

>>94041287
>ending is a bit weak.
I don't think it actually has an end.

It's one of those comic with serialisation, a bit like Tintin or Asterix. There can be a new issue if the wirters want to.

Then again, I only read a few book of Valerian. I don't know if its author decided to wrap it up with a final book.

>>94041429
RELATIVELY-hard science fiction. the author do his researches on technology.

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>>94033305

I need a Valerian version of this meme for when I first saw Bubble's true form. Damn my xenophilia.

>>94041607
It definitely had an end, you can't come back from an end like the one they had.

(it was happy)

Trailer looked horrible really. Not surprised people were squirming in their seats.

>one of the best introductions ever put in a space film

>movie just tanks from there
A damn shame.

Seriously the space station starting but was just fucking art. Like it could've been its own self contained short film.

>>94036822
>B5 should be moved to God Tier
>Firefly should be one notch lower
>Red Dwarf and Hitch Hikers should both be one notch higher.
Solid list otherwise

Just saw it. It was ok, I think it suffers most from it having no feeling of urgency. Like there were no stakes at all. The constant will you marry me stuff got old fast.

>>94044466
>>94044701
Agreed with both of these.

*** SPOILERS ***

*Loved* the growing of Alpha as an intro. I even loved seeing Mul, as CGI-heavy as it was.

But man. It's not so much that the movie "sucked" -- it's just that I never really felt connected to the situations and to the characters. I will admit that the Mul survivor plotline was the only truly interesting bit of the movie: pretty much every other part that focused primarily on humans (be it Valerian, Laureline, or the Commander) kind of fell flat, mostly because I didn't feel like the audience was allowed to empathize with the characters as much as we should've been.

And the stakes themselves were weird. Like, it didn't feel like the tourist planet plot was connected well to the rest of the movie. For instance, all those soldiers died by the monster and they all were *literally* forgotten as soon as Valerian and Laureline were on their own ship. And then, the underground dealer who was supposed to sell the converter to the Mul refugees said he'd hunt down Valerian and kill him...and that's it. Sure, it could be argued that being in a different dimension hurts the chances of it happening, but why include a sort of Chekhovian gun like that if you're just going to ignore it?

Rihanna's/Bubble's character fell flat for me for the same reason: I didn't realize I was supposed to be invested in a character that barely helped Valerian out until, oops, she's dead, and now you're supposed to care.

I feel like if they cut out the Laureline rescue plot, they almost definitely would've had enough time to flesh out all the characters and make them *slightly* more interesting, which would make the stakes actually meaningful. As is, the movie was mostly "stuff happens to people you barely know: The Movie", save for maybe the Mul refugees.

>>94044466

The movie made the mistake of having dialog.

For real, it should have been a silent film.

>>94045324
>Laurialie is in a suit that we just saw smash through about 30 bulkheads
>gets captured and put in a wicker cage
>can't escape cage
Oh boy.

>>94044466
It was literally the same as the Watchmen, the movie couldn't live up to the opening.

>>94033395

Besson has been garbage for years. I lold when they mentioned Lucy in the trailers, I'm not surprised this is trash. The trailer is full of cliche one liners and lacks a real tease. This looks empty like besson movies