Spider-man (1967) Double Identity

Previous Fantastic Four eps
https://pastebin.com/tjREijhZ

Previous Spider-man eps
https://pastebin.com/86qedmQu

And hey, this season is coming to an end in 4 weeks.

I'll let you guys decide where it goes from here.

http://www.strawpoll.me/13277716

Some madman paid thousands of dollars in 1967 money to open a book...museum in the middle of New York City.

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Look at this place. You make yourself a book store and you call it a museum. The duplicity of big literature and their coverup will make one hell of a story!

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Oh! Glad you noticed! It's so wonderful when the young people pay attention to me! The trick is to get hipsters and parents in here thinking they're here to look artifacts and that's where you spring the trap and trick them into reading before they know what hit them!

Now take this first edition Shakespeare collection...

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That's what I had in mind, Chromedome.

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I mean! Let's get some pictures of you next to my book for the Monthly Trombone

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Like this?

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Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. Now smile and say "Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual."

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What?

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Ach! That's bright! You're killing my eyes! Could you please not use flash?

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!

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Stop! Please stop! Why do you want pictures of me like this?!

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I'll be taking this. Hope you don't mind. Keep posing like a gullible sap, it's a pose that suits you well.

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Help! Police! Peter Parker won't stop aggressively taking pictures of me!

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That sounds like it came from the book museum! A booknapping! Why can't crooks sit down and read books in the aisles before not buying them like civilized adults?

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Relax Peter. You're white, you're well-dressed, no officer will look twice

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Has /lit/ finally gone too far? No wait! The robber is Me?!?!?!!

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Spider-man: Ok mister handsome devil. You're going to walk right back in there, hand over a book and buy two bookmarks of adorable animals.

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Peter: What's the matter? Jealous that my fingers are stickier than yours?

Spider-man: That's it you're getting a mouthful of web!

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Peter: Brutus! It's about time you showed up! Let's get out of here!

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My web's stuck floating in mid-air. What the fuck?

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And I'm getting away. When I catch up with me we're either going to fight or fuck. We'll find out in a min.

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You guys could use a smog check you know that?

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Peter: Brutus! What's going on up there?

Brutus: Tiny boss! Spider-man's on the roof! What do I do?

Peter: You've behind the wheel. You drive the car. Drive it better and he'll go away.

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Have a complimentary sun shade courtsey of your friendly neighborhood Spider-man. It also doubles as a moon shade.

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Park the car. We're changing this snatch and grab to a snatch smash and grab.

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Peter: Hold that pose.

Spider-man: Can't... move!

Peter: That's point. Et tu Brute!

Brutus: Why you always gotta say that you know I don't speak pig latin.

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Life just isn't fair. If that were me as Peter that burly man would be giving me a wedgie or something.

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Next time I'm at Walgreens I'll get the pictures developed and send you a copy! Sucker!

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I wonder what Jameson will have to say when hears about a backsassing criminal Peter Parker running around...

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Parker a Thief? Let me tell you something Captain O'Malley, I don't care what that bookworm says, J Jonah Jameson doesn't hire criminals! And before you say anything, Frederick Foswell doesn't count. Robbie hired him NOT me. Parker is incapable of committing any crime when he can't walk down the street without tripping over his own shadow!

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If your department has the time to pin crimes on pathetic children, you have the time to hit the streets and look for the real criminal! Spider-man!

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Oh Mister Jameson you're a great man for sticking up for your employees like that!

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You're off base, Miss Brant. It's not that I think highly of him, I think too lowly of him to believe that a witless layabout like him could ever be a criminal mastermind. There's about as much chance of that boy being the robber as him getting to first base with you!

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Harsh. It's not like I'm not trying, Mister Jameson. Honestly, I blame the viewers. No one wants to ship Peter Parker with his somewhat attractive and clingy co-worker. No, it's always him with a supermodel with low standards, him with a crazy cat lady, a pain in the neck blonde, a psychotic silver mercenary or him with Joe Quesada's Mary Sue. It's not fair. If the people really believed then maybe Beter Pranker could be the the endgame power couple.

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Ahh what a rogue and peasant slave am I. Oh Charles Cameo you devil you, you come up with the best lines.

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I have the book and no one is the wiser. Peter Parker was an interesting role to play. A man-child saddled with guilt who will never be allowed to grow up with the looming shadow of Miles Morales ever-ready to knock him off his pedestal of mediocrity. Anyone who said that there are no small parts has clearly never heard of Peter Parker.

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Still, only I, renowned actor and master of impersonation, Charles Cameo could do such a perfect job and I, Charles Cameo, never grow weary of saying my own name!

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Now, who shall I be next? Someone with panache, flair, gadzooks! Inspiration strikes with its metaphorical hammer! I shall be the renowned Clauvidor Van Warhollock!

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The great amalgamation painter currently has paintings on exhibit now and he's away in Europe, kidnapped by Doctor Door who is holding him prisoner until he paints a picture as large as Doom's ego.

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Brutus! I need you! I'm pressing the button!

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You rang? Another job, boss?

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Brutus, you need to not be so crude. We're not merely doing a job. A job is something you do because you have to. We're going to enter a henhouse and whisk away their treasure.

Brutus: That's what I just said. A job.

LOOK AT MEIN FUCKING PAINTINGS!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpfJe5ap0Yo

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This is unacceptable! I provide you a MASTERPIECE and you hang it like got it from Walmart! I'm a real artist with real artist problems and how can I go corporate and sell out if you treat me, the world famous paint man Clauvidor Van Warhollock as you would a paraplegic toddler!

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You put my painting upside down! People can't look at it right if it's upside down!

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With all due respect Mr. Warhollock, isn't art as you perceive it? How it makes you feel? The emotions it stirs within you. Who is any of us to say what is the right way to view art?

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I didn't come all the way down here to argue with a Super Saiyan. Brutus! Put the art in the van!

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Brutus: More of a Guy Fieri I'd say.

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But that was the centerpiece of my exhibit. What am I going to do? There's not enough wine and cheese to keep these people from rioting.

What do you expect me to do? Leave the spot blank and put a placard of something vague like "entropy"

Actually that might just work.

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Is that Clauvidor Van Warhollock? But he's probably chained to the most well-furnished room you've ever seen in Latveria! The Fantastic Four asked me to help but fuck Reed Richards I'm screening his calls.

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Curator: Please don't take your art out of here! I'll make you cupcakes.

Warhollock: What? You fool! You philistine! You Floridian! Don't you know Performance Art when you see it? The art exists whether it is in one space or in transport to another space! The very act of us taking every piece down from these walls and into that sketchy smelly van parked outside is a statement of how art is always in a state of constant flux, here and there, existing in multiple locations at any given time! The art IS here; YOU ARE JUST TOO UNCULTURED AND BLINDED BY THE THIRD-DIMENSION TO UNDERSTAND THAT ART EXISTS IN ALL DIMENSIONS. PARTICULARLY THE DIMENSIONS OF MY VAN.

Brutus: Excuse me.

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Hold it right there Mister! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what art is!

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> Loud Sweating

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For crying out loud Brutus, that was an easy one, put the painting in the van and I'll run interference with Spider-man.

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No! Don't change my costume colors to the bad alt colors!

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That won't keep him for long. FLOOR IT BRUTUS

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I finger painted! Do you like it?

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Another art robbery! Spider-man was at the scene of the crime and that paints a pattern in my book!

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But Spider-man tried to stop the robbery before jobbing hard and performing a small miracle by making blue, purple, red, and white paint after being shot with yellow and green!

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Spider-man clearly hired someone to dress up like a famous painter who won't get an iota of respect from me until he's dead, and make it look like he tried to stop the robbery so he could sit around and vandalize the street

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This town is full of saps and morons. Apparently I'm the only one who can see that menace for what he is. If the police had two brain cells to rub together they'd have caught and jailed that masked creep long ago.

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Speaking of the police, weren't you going to pick up the police memorial statue at the Budinksi studio today?

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That's right. I did get roped into doing that didn't I. Honestly, why commemorate dead cops, if they were so great how come they're dead?

Oh well, I'll make sure Spider-man doesn't get his hands on it.

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Spat on pedestrians. Check.

Ohey JJ's here! He's taking no chances with that statue.

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Jameson: How are you doing? Great! Thanks for the statue! The workmanship is top notch. I'll be sure to come back and get some more. How much is a greek style statue of myself holding the world?

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Jameson: I'll be sure to put in a good word for you at the ceremony. You deserve it.

Budinsky: Thank you! I'll be sure to give you a 10% discount when you come back!

Jameson: No, no. My good man. An artist should be paid fairly for his or her hard work.

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WALLOPIN' WEBSNAPPERS! There's the imposter!

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You're not getting away this time! Your first mistake was acting like a decent human being!

>>93431888
>>93432087
>>93432379
>>93433594
>>93433671
>>93433784

Fucken Kek good man.

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It's that webslinging weasel!

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Don't mind me. Just here practicing being a kite.

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BLAM BLAM BLAM

bumpsssssss

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Man: Jesus Christ! Are you alright? I thought Jameson only wanted pictures of you. What did you do?!

Spider-man: Oh me and Prune Face go way back. I'm fine, the three bullets all grazed me. But that wasn't the real Jameson. The real JJ is would have used his right hand.

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Jameson here, sorry I haven't left to pick up the statue. Got a hot tip about a scoop of a man biting a dog. Turned out to be nothing. What do you mean I already picked up the statue?!

>>93434224
Holy fuck my sides!
Is it okay if I waste an image on this?

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The nerve of that swindling Spider-head! Now he's got someone to impersonate me! His creepy obsession with my every movement has gone too far!

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Cameo, you've outdone yourself. You've found someone so full of himself that they write a news article praising your inspired performance trying to frame them. I would take a bow, but I'm sitting.

>>93434366
Thank you. You don't need to use an image. I read you loud and clear. Glad you're enjoying this.

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J. Jonah Jameson, you truly are one of a kind. Perhaps I can make use of you one more time.

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Jameson: You've found the holy grail! I'm sure it'll be a big hit at the antique show tomorrow!

Clatches Malent: Why thank you! We're all big fans of the Bugle! We especially enjoy the advice column you run.

Jameson: It's true. Free advice is rarely free. It costs you the price of the paper and more on Sundays.

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Could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to read.

>>93433784
heh

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No one's going to say anything? Ok sure whatever keep circlejerking then.

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Jameson: Can I please poop in the grail and make holy shit?

Clatches Malent: Shit away, friend!

Spider-man: HOLD IT

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What's the meaning of this?

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I've found me a faker! IMPOSTER! The real Jonah Jameson would have burst into flames the moment he touched the grail!

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Phony, you've lost your Hitler privileges. I'm confiscating this moustache.

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It's not coming off! You are real!

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Of course I am! You'll pay for this you little bug!

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Oh no. THAT guy was the fake? Well, on the plus side, people are used to looking for the holy grail.

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Jameson: O'Maley! You need to do your job! You need to hunt down Spider-man and make him pay for his crimes! Get out there and track him down, run him over and arrest his body.

O'Maley: Right and afterwards maybe I can come down to your workplace and tell you how to do your job. How's that sound.

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You don't understand. He touched the moustache. He touched. The. Moustache.

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We're sending that fucker to the chair! I don't care if it's illegal in New York, you provide the Spider-man, I provide the station wagon and jumper cables and we're going to make that bastard fry!

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And do you have some sort of plan for capturing Spider-man or are you complaining because you like to complain?

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What kind of question is that? Of course I do! We'll set a trap. An ingenious, foolproof trap. One he'll walk into and never see coming. You got all that?

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(Saints preserve us. As if that hasn't been tried before)

Ok Mister Jameson we'll try it your way. Anything to keep you off the line.

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Hmmm Tapestries? Removed from the warehouse tonight? How scandalous.

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Thank you J. Jonah Jameson for providing the plot and for my next scene.

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>Blocks your path

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Jameson: Just ONE guard? Where's the police Van! You said you'd do it my way?

O'Maley: Easy. It's on his way. We could be hunting down Frank Castle or we could be guarding a carpet. Guess which one is more important.

Jameson: The carpet!

O'Maley: That's correct.

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Police help! I have a crime to report!

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Officer: What's the crime, citizen?

Brutus: Assault

Officer: Where?

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Why do I have to be so nice? All the good cops are assholes.

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Good thing these uniforms are one size fits all!

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Jameson: About time they show! It's been 20 minutes.

O'maley: Has it? We've shaved off 2 minutes off our average response time.

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Hi, I'm officer Brutus.

Hi, I'm officer Ceasar.

Let's be friends.

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They make stretch police cars now? What will they think of next.

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Jameson: There he is! Arrest him!

O'Maley: You can't stop a crime before it starts. That'd be thoughtcrime. We'll wait and see what he does.

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Every time it's "Brutus move that" or "Brutus punch that guy". It's never "Brutus, what do you want to do tonight?" Sometimes I think I'm never appreciated. Brutus senior wanted me to grow and up and be a thug and I did it to make him happy but is this all there is to life?

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Brutus! That rug is hideous! Quick! Put it in the van so we can dump it in the river and dump it there!

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Jameson: Now will you get him? Look at him!

O'Maley: All in good time. Will he really go dump it? We need to find out!

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This warehouse lot isn't big enough for the two of us, samefag

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O'maley: Which one do I shoot? Only one is the criminal!

Jameson: One is guilty of robbing art and impersonating Spider-man and the other is guilty of being Spider-man! Shoot them both they're even lined up for a double kill!

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Get him! I'm the imposter!

No! Get him! I'm the fake!

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O'Maley: Two Spider-men? I'm confused...

Jameson: IN THE NAME OF WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, WILL YOU GIVE ME THE GUN AND LET ME SOLVE THE PROBLEM?

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Hold on, Officer. Let's have ourselves a Spider-man showdown. I'm going to beat me up and then I'll know that I'm stronger than me and you can arrest the me that loses.

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That seems like a fair deal. Go ahead and fight to your heart's content. I love watching men fight. That's why I become a cop in the first place!

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But no tricks! This gun is haunted by the souls of one hundred innocent children and I'm not afraid to use its terrible power

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Fucking mirror matches...

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I can see this contest won't be decided by our knowledge of the web.

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Unfortunately for you, I'm my own worst enemy!

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I sense A LOT of self-loathing

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I'm trying to get away!

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After all the times I beat myself up over every little thing it's a little refreshing to take it out on someone else.

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Jameson: You're letting them get away!

O'Maley. They'll come back. I've made it this far by trusting everyone I've met and I'm positive they'll come back just like they said.

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TAKE THAT, ME

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I'd have to punch a lot harder than that to keep me away.

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Spider Swing!

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And that ends that, your third-rate bootleg knockoff. As if a cover could ever be better than the original.

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I thought... maybe method acting Spider-man would be enough.

Heh. Usually the only times I see this is the old days on /b/ when people would spam this to try to drown out threads they didn't like.
Literally the digital equivalent of crying and throwing a little tantrum by making "noise" so it was harder to post and read and shit.
It was cute.

But fuck. That was years ago. Shit I haven't used /b/ since...2006? 7?

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And now you've walked a mile in my shoes and you've seen firsthand that being Spider-man is suffering and nothing good ever happens once you don the suit.

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Look Jameson! We have a winner! We know who the real Spider-man is because the real Spidey would never lose!

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Everyone grab a bat cause I've got a Spider-Pinata!

>>93436257
I had no idea people would write out coherent stories to shitpost on /b/.

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Brutus! Heeeeelp!

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I got your back

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Thank you!

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Ya crooked cop! Drop your weapon!

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oh

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Spider-man: I got this.

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Jameson: You let Spider-man get away!

O'Maley: Yep. That's right. We came here for the art thief and we found our imposter.

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It's old man Charles Cameo! Small time crook, small time actor. He'll be making his next performance in court in front of a judge and jury.

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He would have gotten away with it were it not his one weakness: not having super strength

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Cameo: It's curtains for us! WELL Brutus? Aren't you mad about this? A delicate flower like you won't last 5 minutes in prison.

Brutus: No. I am at peace.

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Brutus: There's more to existence than being your henchman.

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Farewell. Charles.

THE END

That ends this week's Spider-man.

Be sure to vote here
http://www.strawpoll.me/13277716/r

Next week Spidey's getting a double dip of double trouble.

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Enjoy your weekend

>>93431888
Just carrying a book out of the Museum of Rare Books like a normal person.

>>93436825
>>93436881
>>93436904


aahahahhaha wtf

what the fuck did he really just go ghost at the end

>>93436995
You too op

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>>93436205
>>93436229
HYPER COMBO FINISH
MAXIMUM SPIDER...swing
I love those threads hahahahaha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB7qrFBPKco

Bumpan for OC