Spider-man (1967) Farewell Performance

Previous Spidey episodes
http://pastebin.com/86qedmQu

And the previous Fantastic Four eps
http://pastebin.com/tjREijhZ

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Is the story of the forbidden love between man and skeleton be a believable and heartrending instant classic? Only time will tell.

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Peter: My apologies, I had skeletons on the brain. I'm Peter Parker from the Daily Bugle and I'm here because my boss wants me to take pictures of the Old Castle Theater before it gets torn down. He calls it a blight on the neighborhood, a cancer to be amputated.

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Oh my. It appears to be raining. There's a lot of memories in this place Etch A Sketched in our hearts for us. I was born here and I had always hoped that I'd die here.

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Emily's right, we had great times, selling overpriced watered down beer for bored socialites and their children. Not to mention the stage is the one place where you can dress up in a bear suit and breakdance and no one would frown down upon you no matter how wigger you are.

>>90833037
Yay! I caught one just as it was happening!

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James: Who could forget about Sarah Bernhardt and her chameleonic talents

Emily: I did!

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James: And Blackwell, the self-proclaimed greatest magician of this or any time or dimension.

Emily: I had asked him to help make my lovehandles disappear and he said it was beyond even his great talents.

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James: Oh and there was Lillian Russel. She had a nice hat.

Emily: No she didn't. She was acting in that picture.

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James: And then there was you my dear Emily. You were a tragedian of superb talents.

Peter: (WHAT'S A TRAGEDIAN)

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OH! And you James! James Boothe! Your performance as the terrifying Dr. Jekyll and the serene Mr. Hyde! You slayed the President with that performance!

>>90833481
Glad to have you aboard.

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Hmmmmm Spider sense.... tingling. Warning me that I'll die of boredom if I stay here and listen to THESE OLD FARTS' LIFE STORY ANY LONGER

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rawr ooga booga! Hey! You! Facepalming Bruce Banner! You gonna drink that?

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Emily: EIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

James: The poster! It's... ... it's not supposed to do that!

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OOoOOOOOOOOOOO

James: The animation cell! It's growing larger by the second! It'll destroy us all!

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Jameson: Parker! What's all this about a ghost at the Castle Theater?!

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Well you see Mr. Jameson when someone dies and they leave unfinished business or die in an horrific way sometimes they'll sometimes create a...

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DON'T INTERRUPT. IT'S ALL NONSENSE! The Daily Bugle has a firm editorial stance against ghosts and against that old eyesore theater home for dustmites and termites.

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Peter! I think ghosts are fun! Especially the oriental tv ghosts! Their hair is always so pretty!

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And I saw the ghost too! I was going to take a picture of it but I had left my Camera Obscura in my other coat pocket!

>>90833742
> spider-sense warning peter of imminent boredom

More writers should use that one

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Jameson: PAY ATTENTION TO ME. TO ME. TO ME. THAT'S WHAT I KEEP YOU IDIOT CHILDREN AROUND HERE FOR. YOU ARE NOT TO BELIEVE IN GHOSTS AND THAT'S AN ORDER.

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WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT THEATER AND HOW IT IS GOING DOWN. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY SO-CALLED GHOSTS WE HAVE TO DISPLACE OR REKILL IN THE PROCESS.

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And you can quote me on that!

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ALRIGHT MEN we've stood around looking sassy long enough. It's time to destroy us a legitimate theater!

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Wrecking ball! You start first!

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Hai! I'll make you proud, taishou-sama!

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...

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Odd. We were trying to destroy the building not give it static electricity.

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HEY JOE! I'M SELLING HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE. TRIPLE H THAT BUILDING AND WE'LL HAVE A TALK.

https://mega.nz/#F!EBk1mBjJ!0AQBQ7yGEU3NjDJ3TfnkvQ

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I AM MIGHTY THOR! FOUL BUILDING! I SHALL SMITE THEE

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With my magical feather duster?

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JOE I SWEAR TO GOD WE TALKED JUST LAST WEEK ABOUT YOU BRINGING YOUR SEX TOYS TO WORK. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SHARING YOUR FETISHES?

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This is probably overkill but the faster we take this place down the faster we can break fo' lunch!

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C-C-C-CANDY CANE! I'M DIABETIC! I SHOULDN'T HAVE THIS

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Bunch of pansy ass whiners trying to destroy a buildin' from the outside! Real men destroy the support beams right next to em!

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It turned into an umbrella! And me without a drink to put it in! WITHOUT A DRINK TO PUT IT IN

I coudln't remember if you showed up on Fridays or Saturdays lol

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I'M PHASING MYSELF OUT OF EXISTENCE RIGHT THIS SECOND

WOOOOOOP

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Hey boss! I forgot! I need to go watch Samurai Jack!

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Boss! I forgot! My water just broke!

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Hey! Guys! Come on! If we're going to be cowards about this we gotta coordinate it! Guuuuuuuys! Wait for meeeeeeeee. THIS SHIT IS SO HAUNTED.

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WAIT hold on. Ghosts? You say it was GHOSTS? Have you SEEN a paranormal ghost show? Listen, most "ghost footage" is nothing more than horrendous and unprofessional shaky-cam coupled with vague shots of shadows or fast-moving extras, and any crappy footage they get is usually hours of NOTHING HAPPENING edited down to 20 minutes with spooky music and stock spooky sound effects overlaid over it! You get people to sit on camera and act scared for five minutes, then you hand 'em $10 to be on their way and you call it a show!

And you still believe in ghosts with that drivel out there?

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Jameson: I don't care how you do it, but you are going to tear down that building! FOR THE LAST TIME SPOOKS DO NOT GO TO THEATERS. THEY CAN'T AFFORD THE TICKETS AND PREFER LOW CULTURE ENTERTAINMENT

Peter: Heyoooo

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You listen here, Parker, that theater is going down and there isn't a ghost around that can stop me! I'll kick their phantom asses so hard that they'll feel it in the next life!

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Oh man, JJ's going to get his shit kicked in by ghosts and I would stand up any amount of supermodels to see it!

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Hey! Ghosts! I'm here! I heard you all died like bitches and all of your living relatives are laughing at you. Now show me where you died so I know where to take a piss!

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No reaction and I must have beat JJ here. Hmmm Blackwell... a magician a magician would make everyone think the place is haunted with magic to fool everyone to be so scared that they wouldn't tear down a building! Such a simply convoluted plan!

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No sense waiting out here.

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Here I am! The front door got torn off by someone with super strength... Thanos yeah it was Thanos.

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Spider sense tingling again... cut it be the sting of tragedy? Or the stage bringing back painful memories of failed spider broadway careers.

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Spider-man! I was hoping for Jameson but this show'll work too! If he knew only what was in store for him.

>>90833037
>and much later than normal
It works out perfectly for me, though. Had to work late. Thanks for this as always.

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The show is about to begin!

>>90835908
Least it works out for someone. I've been on the road all day.

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HEY. THERE'S PEOPLE TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK AND WALLS. SAY IT. SAY IT TO MY FACE. I CAN TAKE IT.

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HERE I AM ON STAGE, PEANUT GALLERY. look ma, I made it and oh god it's horrifying


...

I uh I uh I uh forgot the next line and my fly is down idn't it?

>>90835824
What the hell kind of name is "Turn Off The Dark" anyway

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Bravo! Bravo! Spider-man you made it to the stage! Everyone give a round of applause for our star victim, Spider-man!

>>90835350
glad to see JJ approaching this professionally.

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Why thank you WAIT A SECOND WHAT DID YOU SAY

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Hey! Blackwell! I guessed it might be you behind all this! Come quietly and we'll find some handcuffs that even you can't escape from!

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Oh Spider-man, you wound me. You underestimate my talents! I am Blackwell! I didn't get a runner up participation award in the Sorcerer Supreme Succession contest for nothing!

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WELL? Are you going to put on a show here or what?

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Oh I'll put on a show alright. A show you'll never forget. Who else has my level of genius?

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I dunno, the average American citizen?

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Blackwell: To start things off. Hey. Watch this. Imma make a bird.

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BAM! A dove of peace!

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Spider-man: Help! The dove of peace is attacking!

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This whole episode is for the birds!

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What's that Spider-man? You want more bird? Can do, amigo! Let's supersize that lil guy.

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CAWWWWWWWWWW

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OHGODOHGOD

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glad that's overNO NOT AGAIN. AND WITHOUT A WIRE HANGER TO FIGHT BACK

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The Vulture and Mysterio combined couldn't pull this off! Now they know their place on the pecking order!

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Blackwell? You call this real magic? Penn and Teller do this stuff all the time?

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Hawkwaaard

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Blackwell: That was just the opening act!

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Emily: He escaped that one!

James: Ah! But you know the rules of trolling! Never go with your A game right off the bat!

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James: Watch this! My favorite picture is coming up! You know the one! That picture!

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Spider sense is tingling. Some shit talker is attacking the 4th wall.

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Hold everything! The Spider Sense! They're not aiming for me! They're aiming for the Spider on my chest!

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Whew. Well SOMEONE is going to have to clean up this ... I hope that's sand.

>>90837874
>>90837925
>>90838027
OH NO YOU DIDN'T

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I KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE BLACKWELL. YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR AIM AND NOT KEEPING YOUR WORKPLACE UP TO CODE ISN'T MAGIC

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I'm gonna getcha and see how you liked being dropped from a walkway

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James: He's taking the bait!

Emily: It was remarkably low quality and it didn't matter one iota! Shhhh let's see what happens.

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I know you're here somewhere Blackwell. Come on out!

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Spider-man, sweetie, I work in theater. I came out decades ago!

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That's not what I meant. THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT AT ALL

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HEY. WHO PUT THAT SPIDER-MAN SHAPED HOLE IN THE FLOOR

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He's going to be behind me isn't he? Everyone stares at the butt. They can't help it.

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And now! For my next trick! I'm going to need you to stand right there if you'd be so kind.

>>90836821
the dove of peace has turned into the swan of spidercide

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My Guilty Gear main is Venom and it's about time it's gotten me some real life application

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And mine is Axl! FUCK!

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These aren't pool balls they're cannon balls! Unfortunately that means everything that occurs is cannon!

>>90838812
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOWADAYS, WHY DOES EVERYTHING NEED TO BE DIRTY"

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What's the matter Spider-man? They're only cannon balls.

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Do I LOOK like a ship to you?

>>90839463
good one.

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MOUSETRAPPED

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Behold! Anti-magic webbing! Don't ask me how it works I don't have to explain anything. It just exists because I say so. Let's see you magic your way out of that!

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If you insist!

>>90839420
haw haw

>>90839598
Thank you, Saturday Night Storytimer.

I'm behind.
Is this a RadicalVonAwesome thread?

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Here's a trick I taught Houdini! It... it doesn't work underwater. Probably should have mentioned that to him.

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>VWWWOOOOOOORP

>>90839916
No

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HOUDINI DIDN'T DROWN. HIS APPENDIX BLEW UP. It's bad enough you magicians make a living from lying with your hands but with your mouth as well? That's wrong.

>>90840006
But he's still there
The web wouldn't be holding him if it wasn't.

>>90839934
>"It... it doesn't work underwater. Probably should have mentioned that to him."
Say, does this wily magician have any anti-appendicitis tricks?

>>90840163
=> >>90840230

BTFO

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D'oh! That was his plan! Get me so mad that I didn't see where he instant transmissioned to! Fool me once shame on me! Fool me twice well you won't be fooling me again!

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James: Offhand, Emily, I'd say Spider-man met his match and more than a little bamboozled.

Emily: I bet that burns him up inside!

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Blackwell: Hey. Hey Spider-man. In here. Don't you want to look inside?

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That has to be a trap but I can't NOT look inside.

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Oh look it's fucking nothing

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Blackwell? You still around?

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This was the trap wasn't it. Blackwell I'd rather not go to Narnia today thank you very much.

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Spider-man: LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT

Blackwell: NO. You will have a whimsical journey and you will love it!

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Don't like confinement do you? That gives me an idea...

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Not much of an improvement, pal.

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Blackwell: And now for my next trick! I'll throw axes at you and you stand there and be entertained!

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It's not funny unless it's Matt McMuscles throwing the axe. Just not the same.

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This restraint is duct tape?!

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Blackwell: Looking for me? I'm over here!

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Sir, you can stop that magic bullshit right now. your show's over.

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Blackwell: The fun's just getting started! Haven't you been a captive audience?

Spider-man: Not really. I was thinking about skeletons most of the way through and going through the motions and thinking about wheatcakes and do you think Betty could be fooled with a fake ghost picture? It's her birthday this week.

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Blackwell: How about now?

Spider-man: Walked right into that captive audience trap didn't I?

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James: Enjoying the show?

Emily: How would you rate the performance?

Spider-man: I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU THREATEN ME I'M GIVING THIS A 1 AND A HALF STAR REVIEW WHEN I GET HOME

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NOW TO SHOW ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT MAGIC BEATS SCIENCE ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. If you listen carefully you can hear Reed Richards in the distance doing a spittake as he does every time a magician belittles science.

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Blackwell: three hats! What's it going to be?

Spider-man: Unless you're magicing up money I'm not interested. American money, you magic up some Canadian money and I'm using it for toilet paper

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Emily: Blackwell's amazing isn't he? ISN'T HE?

Spider-man: You want to say something good about him. I see your point. It's not happening.

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Blackwell: Hat 1. BAM. Flowers!

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Blackwell: Hat 2. BAM. Rabbits. Odd. There was only two in there this morning...

Spider-man: BORING

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Blackwell: Hat 3. BAM. I made Twitter!

>>90842362
Uhm, you do realize his arms aren't tied, right lady?

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Emily: Bravo! Excellent! You go Blackwell!

Spider-man: May I be excused?

James: No.

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James: Are you entertained yet?

Spider-man: Of course James Booth would have a gun pointed at me. Maybe I'd like the show a little more if you'd point the gun at that woman over there.

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Spider-man: Can I use the bathroom?

James: NO. YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH THE SHOW AND YOU'RE GOING TO APPLAUSE AND THROW FLOWERS MADE OUT OF WEB AND APPRECIATE THE ARTS. YOU CAN HOLD IT UNTIL WE'RE DONE.

Spider-man: Yeesh nevermind.

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And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

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Go rocket. Be free and join all the feral rockets in the wild.

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And that concludes my brilliant amazing show. Please clap

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Spider-man: Are you kidding me. ARE YOU. KIDDING. ME.

THAT'S IT? I GET A BIRD THROWN AT ME, I GET LOCKED IN AN ARMOIR FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS, I GOT DUCT TAPE ON MY NIPS, THEN THERE'S FLOWERS AND BIRDS AND WHATEVER OTHER BULLSHIT, THEN YOU INITIATE YOUR OWN CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS HERE IN THIS THEATER.

IS THIS WHAT MAGIC IS? ENDANGERING PEOPLE AND THROWING GLITTER AND SHOUTING "WA LA" AND CALLING IT A DAY?

AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN RESTRAIN MY HANDS. I EXERCISED A LOT OF SPIDER-RESTRAINT NOT TO KICK THE COLLECTIVE SHITS OF THREE PEOPLE IN TODAY, HOPING THIS WOULD PAY OFF BECAUSE HELL I ENJOY A GOOD MAGIC SHOW BUT THIS? I EXPECTED RUTH'S CHRIS AND ALL I GOT WAS GODDAMN HOMETOWN BUFFET.

3/10. SPIDER-MAN IS NOT PLEASED.

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I'm flexing my way out of this. And give me those weapons and I'll show you some real magic.

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With this I can create... a knifegun.

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No, Spider-man. No you can't. The gun's a wooden prop gun, the knife is rubber. This was all a performance. A performance for your benefit.

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Spider-man: EXCUSE ME?

Blackwell: Hear us out.

Spider-man: You're already on borrowed time.

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Emily: We put this on to troll you. To troll you so hard that you've be enamored with our antics and join us and help save the Castle Theater from being torn down.

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Please Spider-man. Champion our cause. Join us so we may inflict the annoyances we put you through on others so that the crowd may laugh at their misfortune.

>>90843856
I'm half tempted to believe this was the actual episode plot.

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Blackwell: Please! We can make this place as it used to be! Filled to one third of capacity with bored parents and college students required to see a performance so that they may pass their required electives!

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Spider-man: No
Emily: Please!
Spider-man: I SAID NO DAMNIT
James: We're begging you!
Spider-man: TOUGH LUCK
James: Surely you have a family member who enjoyed seeing a play
Spider-man: He's dead. Dead like your dreams.
Emily: I'm not letting go of your hand until you say yes.

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Alright. I'll help you. Provided you let go and do exactly what I say.

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First, you're all getting the beating of your lifetime.

Secondly, we contact a rival tabloid to the Daily Bugle and then I'll think up a plan.

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James: Mister Jonah Jameson! We came here right away when we saw this! It's news of Spider-man and we knew right away to come here!

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Spider-man, that tumor on society, that masked madman, that boil on the ass of New York, that quipping creepazoid...

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James: He wants to destroy us and our craft! He want out theater gone and all traces of existence wiped from history! Look at this face! This is the face of a monster!

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He said he wanted the space demolished and replaced with a Gamestop! Can you believe it? A Gamestop!

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WHAT?! A GAMESTOP! Of all the low down dirty schemes tricking people to pay overpriced rates for new and used games, paying for membership no one needs or uses, reserving games they're not obligated to carry, and buying back used games for pennies on the dollar! Games you could buy cheaper elsewhere and sell for more on amazon! That Spider-man has GONE TOO FAR AND I WILL STOP HIM

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I WILL STOP HIM WITH THESE VIBRATING FISTS OF JUSTICE

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Jameson: MISS BRANT! NEW HEADLINE. I, J JONAH JAMESON, DEDICATED MY PAPER TO SAVING THE CASTLE THEATER FOR ALL TIME

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But I thought we were rooting against the theater? And what about the ghosts? Did someone get a picture of them? I'm so confused!

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Well um you see hmmm.

It was my plan from the very beginning to make everyone THINK I was against the theater to cause drama and interest and drive up the value and cause people to speculate about paranormal activity.

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And they offered to finally get a play performed on stage! First thought was "Death of a Newspaper Publisher" but I thought no, the people of New York deserve Jameson's best and threw the script at the nearest bum and told them to throw it away on their way to getting a job.

>>90844849
FUCKING SPIDERSTOP

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Jameson: And then inspiration struck me! Why not do something progressive! A a blaxploitation play about the Bugle and the hardships we face here! We'll call it "Jameson: Turn off those damn lights."

I've got Terry Crews lined up to play yours truly!

Some no-name actress named Beyonce to play you, Miss Brant.

Christoper Walken to play Robbie! It's the role of a lifetime!

And finally down-on-his luck African-American actor Drake Bell to play Peter Parker! His life of misery is perfect for the part!

Betty: I don't think Mr. Bell is Black, sir.

Jameson: Really? With his crippling debt and poor life choices I could have sworn... Anyways we'll get all the details figured out!

It can't be said that J. Jonah Jameson won't support the arts!

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What a show old Jonah's putting on. Now we know who killed Vaudeville

THE END

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A long end to a long down. Finally this ep is complete.

Hope you all enjoyed the stage cause next week is a Mysterio episodes because I can't put that one off forever.

See ya and thanks for the read.

Thank you for the effort OP.

>>90845818
You are very welcome

I also thank you. It's fun reading these.

>>90846845
Appreciate it

good work

>>90845618
> african-american actor Drake Bell to play Peter Parker

this thread was just full of zingers

>>90845618
>Terry Crews JJJ

Take my money

>>90845765
Thanks SNS.
See you next week.

Bump for best thread on /co/ right now

>>90853944

>>90838027
ohhhhhhh
that's where it's from

also thanks OP

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>>90833253
>>90833315
Had to do this

spread it