how does superman even have sex? he can crush your pelvis

He lies flat on his back and she does all the work.

Until you see superman rip every door he touches off it's hinges, the dude can have sex

easy fucking question

>>90430652
how can OP suck so much cock?


he can bite off penis

>>90430652
Because comics. How can he her all the sounds all the time but only some sounds when he needs it? Because comics.

>>90430652
The real question is how does his ejaculate not leave exit wounds?

>>90430787
explain this

How many times has Superman canonically had sex?

>>90430854
We'll, when you cum you lose a lot of control right? And Supes has super strength, so shouldn't he have a hard time not shooting his nut out at supersonic velocities? With that kind of force his baby-batter should easily bust through his condom and then the uterine wall of any lady he's currently boning, and it would continue on until it exits her body entirely somewhere on her lower back and make a nasty hole in the nearest wall or ceiling.

>>90431032

Jonathon exists so at least once.

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>>90430652
>Hurr durr I read an article from the 70's and watched Mallrats

Shut the fuck up with this bullshit. I'm so sick of this meme.

Superman's strength doesn't come from his muscles, it comes from stored bioelectric energy from the yellow sun. There would be no involuntary muscle spasms, because the mechanism to release the stored energy isn't muscular. Lois and Clark, when they were married, had a perfectly normal and healthy sex life. They couldn't have children, but that's because Kryptonians and humans are incompatible.

Read more comics and fuck off.

>>90431240
It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child? He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.

>>90430715

The closest I've ever seen to DC explicitly addressing this question was in a Q&A with their then editor-in-chief a few years back, who gave a very sensible answer: "Clark has always shown himself to have excellent fine motor control and good judgment in terms of how much force to apply. I'm sure he would never hurt Lois."

>>90430854
His sperm are hyper evolved to know not to shoot through a uterus.

>>90430652
I don't know but I want him in my boipussi regardless of the risk

>>90431266
Do you have any genius insights on which Star Wars movie was the best?

>>90430787
>>90430854

His bodily functions aren't super.

Otherwise every time he took a dump he'd destroy the toilet. Or whenever he farted he'd knock out the surrounding buildings.

Isn't he powered by the yellow sun? Fuck in the night then.

Or fuck She-Hulk.

>>90430652
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_of_Steel,_Woman_of_Kleenex

>>90430787
The same reason there isn't a crater when he hits, or why there isn't a loud boom when he blinks.

>>90431485
>hits
>shits*

This question always weirds me out.

Okay, lets say that Superman really do everything super, just for the sake of argument. Why would he hurt someone having sex?

You know, fucking, as in pumping in and out your dick inside some cunt ou butthole, isnt supposed to be this great physical effort. You arent supposed to slam your body with all your strenght. I dont even know how thats possible. Youre most of the times just flexing your pelvis. Hell, if you, as in not a super guy, try to run and jump with your dick on someone, you will probably manage to not hurt the crazy person that decided to give you a chance but yourself as well, and your dick will not even manage to hit the jackpot. Shit isnt a trampolin.

So i dont know how Superman would manage to fucking kill someone by flexing his pelvis sensually.

>>90431795
Presumably it's because, well, have you heard the expression, "Didn't know his own strength?" A cartoon staple with super strength where someone accidentally crushes something, rips a door off its hinges, etc.

The coitus itself, as long as he can control it? Sure, fine, but in an orgasmic state when is when he might lose that fine motor control. There's also the old chestnut about Supe's orgasming like a shotgun since the muscles for ejaculation are not exactly under conscious control normally. I suppose they assume his automatic muscle reactions are superpowered as well.

Man of Steel,
Woman of Kleenex

By Larry Niven

He's faster than a speeding bullet. He's more powerful than a locomotive. He's able to leap tall buildings at a single bound. Why can't he get a girl?

At the ripe old age of thirty-one (*Superman first appeared in Action Comics, June 1938*), Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious matter. The species itself is in danger!

An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.

Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems.

Granted that the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a refugee, and an alien. His homeland no longer exists in any form, save for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.

As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.

What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both, keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity."

But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real.

The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to being a kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.

I

What turns on a kryptonian?

Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain eating habits.

Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo sapiens.

What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably didn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of course, by church and common law.

II

Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.

Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, but no longer gives a damn. Thirty-one years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. (*One should not think of Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned to suppress his X-ray vision. If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.*)

The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

III

Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.

Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

IV

Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and Superman.

Artificial insemination may give us better results.

V

First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transonic speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on hitting the air at such speeds.

He can catch the semen, of course, before it evaporates in vacuum. He's faster than a speeding bullet.

But can he keep it?

All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.

What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?

Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.

At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.

Or will there?

VI

A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down her Fallopian tube.

Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube, begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.

The magic moment approaches...

Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...

One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on it's surface, the cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm From entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...

And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.

Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't stop them. They will *all* enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.

But LL's problems are just beginning.

VII

Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter.

They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air.

That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine.

Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.

Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.

VIII

This is more serious than it looks.

Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green kryptonite. (*And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are chunks of red kryptonite that make giants of kryptonians. Imagine ten million earthworm size spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls... but I digress.*) There they are, minuscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.

Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Wormholes, charred by meteoric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass, masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov radiation.

And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate condition.

>>90433029
> The same must hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air, vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.

Say what?
Says who??

Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.

How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions; and kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of miles, before it gives up and dies.

Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. (*If the pubescent Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.*)

Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its allotropic diamond form...

IX

The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vision and a pair of tiny tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.

X

In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at transonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?

There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.

Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.

But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite, then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.

By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her. Are we out of the woods yet?

XI

Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human fetus. There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the mother's health.

But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...

Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vision, things get even worse.

But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out into open air, killing himself and his mother.

XII

Is there a solution?

There are several. Each has drawbacks.

We can make LL wear a kryptonite (*For our purposes, all forms of kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated, from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooling black dwarf star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.*) belt around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.

A better solution is to find a host-mother.

We have not yet considered the existence of a Supergirl. (*She can't mate with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would suggest differently.*) She could carry the child without harm. But Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would probably be thrown out of school.

When you're taking such a negative interpretation of Kryptonian powers like this you're missing the point. That kind of World of Cardboard thing is only canon in edgy Elseworlds. In the main universe there aren't downsides like that. The idea that simply being in Superman's body should have a huge drawback like that which would harm quality of life is just inherently pessimistic. That's not where the struggles come from.

This is basically as bad as people who think he shouldn't be able to feel good sensations, as if he doesn't get super sensitivity along with invulnerability.

A better solution may be to implant the growing fetus in Superman himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a fetus could draw adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.

When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section. It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through Superman's invulnerable skin as an exercise for the alert reader.

The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange new jokes would circulate the prisons...and the race of Krypton would be safe at last.

More Maxima.

>>90431032
Pretty much in every modern continuity he has fucked Lana as a teenager at least so that even kills whatever superscience theory you might have had too.

>>90431795
>You arent supposed to slam your body with all your strenght.

Git gud, scrub.

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>this thread

They wait until the inevitable occasion that Clark is rendered powerless, like after Final Night or Infinite Crisis, then they fuck like rabbits.

>>90433322
Yeah, but unlike Golden and Silver Age Superman, later Supes slowly develop powers as they grow up, util they get full power somewhere in their late teens/early 20s.

>>90435221
That continuity got changed post-Infinite Crisis but his relationship with Lana was still canon.

>>90430652
Superman has control over every part of his body. Y'all can understand this about Batman, c'mon.

>>90430652
Kryptonite condoms.
It weakens superman and stops his supersonic jizzing.
Next question.?

>>90431266
>It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby.
Guess what? They already did. In canon. Find another thing to bitch about for 75 years.

>>90435488
This is a really dumb post because he doesn't need science to avoid killing a woman while fucking but also because kryptonite is POISONOUS. He would not be able to fuck through exposure.

Dumb casual.

I wish

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>>90431032
He's been married to Lois for decades until nu52 fucked everything up.

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>>90436349

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>>90430652

Garth Ennis pls

Superman has spent all his life training to hold back his true strength.

>>90431240
Perfectly normal sex where the guy has to treat the woman he's fucking as if she had the tensile strength of a soap bubble.

>>90435523
He's quoting a movie that's older than you

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also Kryptonians have different anatomy from humans

>>90436452
Ennis loves Supes though

>>90441557
>ginormous heart
>squeegelysplooch in the pelvic cavity

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>>90430652
Superior Kryptonian muscle control.

>>90431275
What about muscle spasms and the whole "cumming with the force of a shotgun" thing?

>>90441770
super kryptonian muscle control. Get over it you fag. If he doesn't destroy the toilet while he shits he won't kill lois with his sperm. Now fuck off.
Normies need to leave this board.

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The same way The Shredder jerks off. Very fucking carefully.

Having super strength is not the same ability as having uncontrollable super strength.

>>90430652
Why can people believe that a guy can fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes yet can't believe he can control his penis to not be a wrecking machine?

>>90431032
Bunch of times and not with just Lois.

>>90430652
special kryptonite condom

>>90430652
You don't have to push your dick the whole way in unless you're really small.

>>90430652
Superman's greatest failure is that he didn't lock that down.

>>90430652
http://powerlisting.wikia.com/wiki/Body_Supremacy

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>>90431341
>His bodily functions aren't super.

>>90436452
The fuck is this?

>>90441990
This makes it even better if you consider those silver age Lana stories turning into insect queen as canon.

Like the only reason Clark didn't know it was abnormal was because he was fucking insect queen Lana.

>>90443499
silver age superman doesn't count ypu dumbfuck lmfao. He actually had stories where he couldn't fuck humans.


Post crisis superman though had normal functions and could sex humans fine.

>>90443594
The Pro, a one-shot by Ennis for Image Comics.

A prostitute gets superpowers.

I feel like Jon's existence started with the question of "Okay, seriously. How do we stop people from making that stupid joke?".

Clearly the answer was "We can't." but anything that can be thrown in a casual's face to show them how stupid they are is always nice.

>>90443642
awesome

>>90443648
But Jon was conceived with Superman had no powers under the dome.

>>90430652
it's fiction you can write it however you want

>>90431266
even for nerds, this quote is so wrong

>>90443669
THEY STILL FUCKED BEFORE CONVERGENCE PLENTY OF FUCKING TIMES YOU FUCKING CRAZY BITCHFUCK CASUAL.

>>90444424
>knows exactly when and what circumstances Jon was conceived
>called a casual

>>90430652
he bottoms

>>90430787
In 1969 Larry Niven makes the equivalent of an autistic shitpost on this subject. It'll soon be 50 years ago, and it's still fucking going.
Is this meme magic?

The bigger question is how to you penetrate Supergirl's hymen?

>>90445130
You can't. Oral and anal all day.

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>>90445130
>>90445157
Hymen gets torn easily just by doing physical activities, with the amount of superpowered fighting Kara does there's no way hers is still intact.

>>90446666
And she might have had sex on Krypton anyway

Or Kryptonians might not be born with one, it's not particularly useful anyway

>>90430652
he must have incredible cum control too. cuz wouldn't he shoot his load faster than a bullet? most dangerous sex.

>>90441556
Yeah, I know. It no longer applies.

>>90446704
>cuz wouldn't he shoot his load faster than a bullet?

No, why would it?

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>>90431240

>They couldn't have children, but that's because Kryptonians and humans are incompatible.

>Kryptonians and humans coincidentally look EXACTLY the same but somehow aren't genetically close enough for reproduction

That is complete bullshit. How does anyone even believe something so blatantly wrong?

>>90446744
Sorry, I'm going to take the word of Emil Hamilton, Superman's personal physician at STAR Labs, over what some anonymous dude on the Internet thinks makes sense.

>>90446744
What do you mean believe? It was absolutely canon. Obviously science or magic bullshit could give them a viable kid though since it was a same continuity as Superboy existing and Convegence's bullshit allowed it to actually happen.

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>>90446786
Jor-El said it too