Spider-man (1967) Night of the Villains

All previous Spidey threads
http://pastebin.com/86qedmQu

All previous Fantastic Four threads
http://pastebin.com/tjREijhZ

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ARRRRRRRRRRRRR

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I will stand on this boat under bellbottoms come back in style I will I will I will!

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Hey I thought I heard a shadow over here!

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*bonk*

I do not feel pain; pain is merely an illusion

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No! My whole philosophy was built on lies! Help! I've fallen and don't feel like getting up!

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There was a whiny scream coming from the harbor! Fixing this leaning building will have to wait!

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Hey there buddy are you alright? You need a band-aid or perhaps a Flintstones chewable vitamin?

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This poor man is out cold! Call a doctor!

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...

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Gosh! Are you filming a pirate movie? Am I in the way? Can I be in it? I've always wanted to be a best boy.

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Spider-man: Hey! I know you! You're... Blackbeard the pirate?

Blackbeard: Shut yer claptrap ye fleabitten bilgerat!

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Blackbeard: I've come to plunder booty! Give yer booty here or taste me blade!

Spider-man: Aren't you going to buy me dinner first?

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Swing and a miss!

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You fight like a dairy farmer!

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*snap*

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How appropriate! You fight like a cow!

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You're pretty good with a sword. Think you could try fighting without it?

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People always mistake robots or ninjas for the mortal enemy of the pirate when really the cowboy is their hard counter.

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H-hey! Ye thieving weak-livered brooklyn broombandit!

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So you like fighting at range do ye? My aim's as true as yers! and I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!

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How appropriate! You fight like a cow!

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*bonk*

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Timber status: shivered

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>Got the booty Was there anything left to do? Did I remember to feed the parrot? Should I stop by the drycleaners to pick up the flag of the skeleton piercing a heart with a spear whilst toasting Satan on the way back or pick it up tommorow on the way to the cannon shop?

>>90029336
Yay!

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Oh yes! Always remember to check the treasure! Ahhh gold and assorted gems and jewels and ring pops.

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Quite the keelhaul if I do say so meself! Ahahahahahaha!

>>90030131
Yay!

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He's gone! Or was I seeing things?

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Can't think straight with this lump to the head. Maybe I made the whole thing up to spice up my life?

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>>90029336
Peter Parker falls in love with Gwen Stacy.

Unable to confess, the wall crawler is gifted by a deus ex machina with the girl's phone number. Never minding the strange area code, he immediately calls her, and is overjoyed to find out that she has a crush on him as well.

But, the next day, when the spider-based superhero recounts the previous day's confessions to the girl, she only looks at him with a perplexed expression. After some investigation, he finds out that the girl he called is not the same girl he fell in love with. In fact, she doesn't exist in this universe at all. She is the girl's alternate universe counterpart, who has fallen in love with the MC's own AU self, who too is blissfully unaware of her crush.

Hijinks ensue as the two strike up a deal to give each other their darkest, most private secrets in order to equip the other with the weapons they need to conquer the heart of their other selves. While the two chase their respective loved ones, DRAMA ensues as they begin to fall in love with each other instead and question the NATURE of the MARVEL MULTIVERSE.

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HOLD UP. E.T... what could it mean?

Entertainment Tonight? Could this all have been an elaborate prank?

Or maybe ET the extraterrestrial! Maybe instead of phoning home he grew up into a big burly man!

Or maybe... Edward Teach! Blackbeard the Pirate's true name! How nice of him to initial his weapons in case they got lost

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That's why you pay attention in history class! To be able to identify historical figures in case you get jumped by one!

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MEANWHILE

RadicalVonAwesome is that you

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I get the treasure ye wanted! But why'd ye make me go back and exchange the gold chest fer jade? Jade be pretty but ye can't spend it!

>>90030338
Oh no.

Continuity!

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Silence Blackbeard! You're only a stupid stinky pirate! You're not here to think! Now, how did the heist go?

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All went as smooth as a baby's bare bottom! I picture me holding a baby right now to illustrate me point!

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except for that SPIDER-LUBBER! THAT LUMOX ALMOST RUINED EVERYTHING

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Parafino: Did you split him stem to stern?

Blackbeard: Nay

Parafino: Did you steal ribbons from girl and tie them to your braided beard to scare him?

Blackbeard: Nay

Parafino: WELL did you at least light fuses and tie them to your hat to put the scare of satan into him?

Blackbeard: Nay

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WHAT IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST BLOODTHIRSTY PIRATE OF THEM ALL AND YOU RUN AWAY LIKE AN ENGLISHMAN

BLACKBEARD YOU CAN GO SUCK ON AN ONION OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO TO PREVENT SCURVY

We need to step up my game, clearly.

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Parafino: Fortunately we have more than just one maligned figure from history in our little museum to choose from!

We have other monsters like...

My Mother!
Dom Deluise!
Jack the Ripper!
Strongfat Dadbod executioner in purple!

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But how to do evil the right way? Oh!

Here's the Church, Here's the steeple, come on guys, let's rob some people!

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And where do people keep their money? Banks, allegedly. Never used one myself, don't trust em.

So we need someone good at robbing banks and good at killing people

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JESSIE JAMES COME ON DOWN!

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Pardon? Did somebody call my name? I was thinking about moonshine.

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Parafino: To sum things up I need you to rob a bank and stop Spider-man if he interferes. Even though he looks unintimidating and friendly ... well he is friendly, but shoot him dead anyways

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Yeeehaw! Shooting to kill is much more fun than shooting to wound!

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Jameson: What do you MEAN what else, Parker? A fortune of jade was stolen from that ship! Jade! Not Gold! It was always Jade! You want to know where the continuity director went after he questioned the contents of that chest? ON THE STREETS

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Ok Mr. Jameson but what about the

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BUT. WHAT. PARKER

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MR. JAMESON IF YOU'LL SHUT YOUR MOUTH FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE FOR FUCK'S SAKE AND LET HIM FINISH HIS GODFUCKING SENTENCE HOLY FUCK

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Well? PARKER? Here's your chance. If what you say next isn't directly relevant to his case I am going to give you one hell of a penalty!

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ummm well hmmm did any of the reports say anything about a um pirate?

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WHAT? Parker! We live in a world of thugs, mutants, criminals, mobsters, feminists, fiends and mobsters and you think it was a PIRATE?

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Jameson: One more word just one more retarded word out of your mouth and so help me you are flying out through that window head first!

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I think I'll take the stairs down

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Maybe JJ's right. In that fog anyone could have been mistaken for Blackbeard the pirate. Maybe it was an ugly unkempt man or even a woman.

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Who am I kidding! It wasn't a man, woman, The Rhino or Wolverine. There was no fog! No one in the city has a beard that black it could only be Blackbeard! That's deductive reasoning, kids.

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Jameson's full of sHEY LOOK OVER THERE A THING

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Is it too late to grab a quick sarsaparilla and some taters?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OUP_Z3iZPs

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The guard! Time to use this revolver in the way it was designed to be used!

>>90031236
>Whistle Theme
It's called 'Life is Beautiful' goddammit

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Jessie James: Shut that whistling! I'm responsible for stopping Swery from making more D4 Dark Dreams Don't Die and I'm stopping you!

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This keeps happening

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Spider-man: Hey are you planning on robbing a bank, young man?

Jessie James: Nope.

Spider-man: Then why are you standing out in front of a closed bank?

Jessie James: No reason

Spider-man: If you're not planning on robbing a bank then what's that in your hand?

Jessie James: Freedom

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You motherfucker

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Allow me to introduce myself. The name's James, Jessie James. And this here is my little friend. Jessie James Junior.

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And I reckon if I did feel like robbing that bank, someone like you wouldn't be able to stop me.

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Spider-man: First you lie you me about not being here to rob the bank and now you lie about me not being able to stop you? Does your mother know she birthed a liar?

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ALRIGHT NOW YOU INSULTED MY HONOR. (even if you're right about everything)

WE'RE GOING TO SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN. A real western showdown at high... midnight?

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Spider-man: You're on! I hear you shoot your loads pretty fast, but all the ladies tell me I shoot mine faster than anyone!

Jessie James: On the count of go, draw!

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UNO

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ZWEI

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III

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GO!

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Kristallnacht how I wanted this to play out...

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Someone scratched a penis here. The craftsmanship is impressive considering the haste.

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SPIDER-MAN GET YOUR HANDS YOU DIRTY BANKROBBER

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ME? Come on! It was Jessie James who tried to rob the bank! I don't even have pockets!

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You expect me to believe that Team Rocket is here and competent enough to planning and execute a bank robbery? Don't make me laugh!

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Spider-man: If you'd just look behind the car...

Guard: NO. It was you! You hit me over the head! You shot out those windows with revolvers! You gave me this bad haircut! You're the reason why girls don't give me the time of day! It was you! It was always you!

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This conversation's going nowhere.

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Hey! What'd you do that for?!

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Don't care about no bank robbery anymore. Fuck this.

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Jameson: LOOKY HERE. SPIDERMAN ATTEMPTS BANK ROBBERY. AND LOOK HOW HE POSES FOR THE CAMERA ACTING ALL SURPRISED LIKE A VILLAIN WOULD

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Jameson: Isn't this beautiful?! Finally the truth gets out there. This paper's going in the scrapbook!

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Spider-man would never stoop so low to rob a bank! He's high class! He'd do something like money laundering!

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OH NO? He was caught literally red handed. The unconscious night watchman saw the whole thing and who has more credibility, the watchman or a woman?

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What about Jessie James? Maybe he didn't die all those years ago maybe he's out there, alive, robbing banks? The watchman said that Spider-man said...

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Jameson: Excuse me? PARKER. Jessie James died April 3, 1882. It was a Monday. He was shot in the back, unarmed, by someone he thought was in his friend in his own house.

Peter: Gosh Mr. Jameson I had no idea you were a lover of history

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HISTORY SCHMISTORY

The whole field of social science is full of hacks and losers and historians are the worst of all! They're a bunch of lying, plagiarizing thieves! DO YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE KNOWS MORE ABOUT NAPOLEON BONAPARTE ANY MORE NOW THAN 20 YEARS AGO AND YET THOSE SCAMMERS KEEP WRITING BOOKS. Bunch of losers who can't hold down a REAL job.

The reason I know about Jessie James' death is because I'm the one who broke the story and scooped everyone!

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Jameson: YOU'RE TREADING ON THIN ICE, PARKER, YOU KEEP THIS UP AND YOU'LL BE GETTING A VACATION DOWN TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE

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Parafino: Failure! Another failure! You're even worse than Blackbeard at least he GOT the valuables! You didn't rob a bank or kill Spider-man what is wrong with you look at me while I'm talking to you Jessie James don't put your foot up you've done nothing to deserve looking cool

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Like I care what you think? You know I like to rob banks in the afternoon and you send me at night. You know I prefer to club people over the head with guns than shoot them. You take away all my creative control... my heart wasn't in it.

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ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHH I NEED SOMEONE. SOMEONE MORE VICIOUS A TRUE MONSTER, A SADIST WITH THOUSANDS OF KILLS.

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Parafino: I need the Executioner of Paris! Look alive! I have a job for you!

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I have a name. It's Charles-Henri Sanson. Yes, I've killed nearly 3,000 but it's just a job and someone had to do it even if I am damned good at it. I'll do this for you but afterwards I want to hold a cello concert and my own herb garden! You've all invited to the concert, of course.

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Why am I the only one seeing these yahoos? Am I in some alternate universe where the streets are deserted at all hours?

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At this point nothing would surprise.

*ahem* AT THIS POINT NOTHING WOULD SURPRISE, PERSON WHO'S ABOUT TO PROVE ME WRONG

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I support le guillotine but for you I will use the portable hand guillotine for the executioner on the go.

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My head's fine where it is thankyouverymuch

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This guy's serious. His form is flawless!

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The Chimney probably deserved an execution. Everyone's guilty of something.

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How to defeat him ... OH!

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First we disarm the frenchman

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How dare you! A royal executioner is responsible for maintaining and repairing their own equipment and you do that?

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Now I have no choice but to chop off your head with my bare hands! You make it difficult to humanely kill you when you jump around so much!

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Merde! I Sacre-blew it. I surrender. No hard feelings?

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Executioner: Do not touch me!

Spider-man: I'm going to do it!

Executioner: No! You have germs!

Spider-man: I know! And they are going to be spread!

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Executioner: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

Spider-man: EHEHEHEHEHEHEH

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Spider-man: Just as I thought

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Typical Frenchman: A little adversity and they fold like lawn chairs.

So anyways, despite what it looks like, this is wax. My finger has not been anywhere or in anything inappropriate. At least not yet.

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Alright Parafino, this place of yours looks deserted but you'e the only creep with a wax obsession out there.

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Love what the spiders have done the place. This place hasn't been used for years... or months... or weeks... I'm bad with time.

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Crap

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When did he get the trapdoor installed? And wasn't the lair in the back of the place before?

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How nice of you to drop in Spider-man!

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Parafino! So it was you! Did you GAIN weight in prison? What did you do? Eat your Cellie? And how did you escape?! Tell me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5b0Hz1ZRoF0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_H28FCBySU

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How I got out? Simple. At my bail hearing I was allowed to wax poetic and they were so moved by my words they decided to let me walk out a free man.

But enough about me, my friends are waiting. OK GUYS WHOEVER KILLS SPIDER-MAN GETS A FREE MOTORCYCLE

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Really?!

>>90033080
>At my bail hearing I was allowed to wax poetic
man fuck you keep going though I have been enjoying this

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Oh right. You're waxy robots or robotic wax. This should motivate you further! Go! Destroy!

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Jessie James: A motorcycle! I've always wanted a mustang!

Blackbeard: Arrrr when I kill Spider-man I'll name me new hog I'll name her Queen Anne's Revenge 2: The Revenge

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Hate to get your hopes up boys, but no one is getting a bike ... hey If I kill everyone do "I" get the bike?

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This could be a long, drawn out fight but eh. Let's be lazy

>>90033128
Thank you

>>90033055
How come there's not a spiderdub for every episode?

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Fuck your control box

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NO! My control box! You ruined it! And you stripped the paint! I rent this space you know from the spiders and now I'm not getting the deposit back! Spider-man you're the real villain here!

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So are these guys really wax or machines? It's a little unclear. They don't seem to know what they are either.

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DURRRRRRRRRRRRR

>>90033244

Because that would take far too long? (Mike Peterson isn't a machine dammit!)

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I don't need anyone to finish you off! Have a ball of hot wax that I'm grabbed from a vat with my bare hands because I'm a badass!

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Hey look a penny I'll pick it up for some good luck

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Ok Parafino I've been thinking how to deal with you and I've come up with this.

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It's not polite to throw molten wax, here, you can have it back!

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Grrrrrrrr

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You know, if you'd have just stayed in prison and left me alone I'd have minded my own beeswax

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I'LL GET YOU AS SURE AS MY FACE IS DRAWN OFF MODEL I WILL BE BACK

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50 Shades of Grey? How does anyone like this? Where's the double amputee diaper-wearing chained up inflated lactating mindbroken dinosaur yuri scene?

All this has is light fisting, anal, minor bondage and vanilla rape. How is a lady supposed to get wet to only that?

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Jameson: Miss Brant, get off that book. You know I feel about reading in the office.

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Wha happen?

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Please Mr. James! Please Mr. Blackbeard! Please Monsieur Sanson! Don't shoot me with your axe! Don't chop me with your sword! Don't stab me with your gun!

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Betty: Those are all dummys but the REAL dummy is here on this desk. Why does Spider-man keep dropping off everyone here of all places ?

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Betty: And he wrote a note. But is the Executioner of Paris truly a villain or does he have an ill-deserved poor reputation. If kings and emperors can murder thousands of men, then how are they any worse than the man they order to carry out sentences? But what do I know I'm just a secretary.

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*gasp* *gasp*

My heart! my heart can't take much more of this. My blood pressure's at least 69,429 over 40.

>>90032220
incredible

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I hate to break my 40 year streak but I need to take a personal day. Miss Brant! Book me a plane to the holy land of Colombia where I am known as el Jameson, pagan god of chaos and soul-theft. I'll go there and center myself and come back after I have eaten every coffee bean and tobacco plant from every plantation and picked the country clean and barren. Then and only then will I be back to my old self.

So expect me back ...Monday


THE END

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That's all you get this week. Tune back in next Saturday for more. Next week's episode instead of /his/ we move over to /lit/ with Spider-man attacked by Greek mythology.


Hope you all have a nice rest of your weekend. I need pizza badly.

>>90034156

bump for oc

>>90035830