How would /co/ reboot Jesus's origin story?

>>88677565

He doesn't get born until he actually arrives on earth
No Jesus boy stories
The devil is a master businessman and not some wacko
Depower him a little

>>88677565
>Jesus stories
>Not superior Matamoros
Jesus is too OP.

As a lesbian woman

File: Doc Frankenstien 06 15.jpg (630KB, 1280x1992px) Image search: [Google]

630KB, 1280x1992px

>>88677565
I'd just make the Doc Frankenstein version canon.

set in the same time period but with current politics semi relevant, big aspect of Joseph story is that hes the true definition of a cuck and need to either accept it or do something about it. and this is the same time as everyone around him spouting cuck as a derogatory word

>>88677742
Rucka Please.

>>88677787
what did he actually do? make her tight?

>>88677846
What is a hymen?

File: 861.jpg (124KB, 529x803px) Image search: [Google]

124KB, 529x803px

>>88677565

>Leave rebooting Jesus to me.
-Grant Morrison

>>88677565
king herod remains a major enemy of jesus throught his life and not just when he was a baby. at the end when jesus is about to get crucified Herod sees the errors of his way and tries to save his life but fails.

Resurrection takes place 1890 years later rather than 3 days later after the president assembles his corpse

File: h560.jpg (192KB, 1500x1120px) Image search: [Google]

192KB, 1500x1120px

>>88677878

>>88677846
Turbovirgin

>>88677870
you tell me.

Just bring it back to the Gospel of Mark version where Jesus is scary and cryptic as shit and doesn't have a clear origin. Baby Jesus isn't important. Adult Jesus is what's interesting, and the uncertainty as to whether we should really believe the guy and take him seriously is a cool way to carry a story.

Giving him an origin story is hack writing. Luke's gospel is trash.

Jesus the teenage years.

Jesus - Archie
Judas - Jughead
Mary Magdalen - Veronica
Pontius Pilate - Regie

>>88677890
Maybe his body parts were used as those catholic religious relics in churches around the world? Each one gives you one of his powers if you possess it. The MC travels around the world collecting them.

Make someone hate his guts for no reason - Geoff Johns

Jesus is resurrected to warn people of the coming apocalypse but no one believes him because he's come back as a loli.

>>88677903
damn, that's pretty rockin

was gonna post that one beefy jesus ripping his way off the cross with his enormous muscles but it feels sort of redundant now

File: fry cash.jpg (47KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

47KB, 600x600px

>>88678880
Fund it.

>>88677565
As a shotocon doujin.

File: 1480255970394.png (611KB, 346x960px) Image search: [Google]

611KB, 346x960px

>>88678821

>>88678956
Loli Jesus and her college age male sidekick most fight Satan and his armies by creating a team of religious figures that include Buddha, Krishna, Moses, and a lolicon Mohammad.

File: Untitled.png (2MB, 1352x978px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1352x978px

>>88678987
>his apostles

it's disappointing how few comics have tried this

File: face.jpg (370KB, 988x1500px) Image search: [Google]

370KB, 988x1500px

fun premise but I never finished it

another notable one was the anti-christ and the second coming of christ hanging out in a bar refusing to do what their dads tell them to do because fuck you dad

File: jezus ; DDDDD.gif (84KB, 113x162px) Image search: [Google]

84KB, 113x162px

>>88679029
>no rasdafarian symbols
Wow discriminadory much?

>>88677622
Byrne pls go.

Make him a black woman. Also cut out the crucifixion. Too edgy. It's 2016.

>>88677565

They really need to explain how Jesus dying on a cross saves the world. Ton of people died in crosses, what made Jesus so special. Even coming back from the dead isn't a big deal, the X-men do it all the time!

>>88679472
>implying any of the x-men can fire off loaves and fish to their followers
>can make party drinks using just water

there's a reason they don't serve wolverine wafers in church, lad

>>88677622
Next what? No twelve disciples either, because they are from a campy outdated era?

>>88679359
The dude she befriends is a Rastafarian that looks like Wooly from SBFP.

>>88677818
You do know he did have sex later with Mary right? James who wrote the book of James was one of Jesus' siblings.

File: Jesusine.jpg (663KB, 843x1024px) Image search: [Google]

663KB, 843x1024px

>>88679525

You're getting your continuity mixed up. Remember, Wolverine was actually one of Jesus's disciples. Remember when Jesus passed out the infinite amount of "Fish"? It wasn't really fish, they just kept on slicing pieces of Logan off and giving it to the hungry masses. Logan would instantly heal, and everyone got fed!

Jesus just needs more tragedy and reality in his life. When he's resurrected, he learns that everything he's known about his origin was a lie and just false memories carved in his mind. His mother was actually raped by God to produce a super soldier to help God enslave the world. Now Jesus is a chain smoker who's out on a quest to stop God from destroying the world.

>>88678880
AND she's president of the student council for some reason and shacking up with some meek, unassuming, everyman high school freshman.

File: Zebedee.gif (2MB, 320x240px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 320x240px

>>88679603


Nuh-uh! Catholic Canon is that Joseph never slept with Mary.

So how did James came about? Well we know Jame's mother is Mary and Joseph isn't the father so... It's Zip-a-Dee!


BTW, I'm not making this up, Zebedee literally is Jame's father.

Well for our modern day and age he would have to be a gay transexual with a sidecut who preaches about how evil white men are.

File: judas is scary tot.jpg (135KB, 800x600px) Image search: [Google]

135KB, 800x600px

>>88679677
And Judas is a loli and.... it's not like Judas likes Jesus or anything....

File: tmp_8812-Blackmore_Jesus.JPG-1081172505.jpg (91KB, 480x480px) Image search: [Google]

91KB, 480x480px

With stands!

>>88677565
Someone needs to shop a gun into Jesus's hand
like he's holding it sideways gangsta style

>>88677961
>doesn't know
>y-you tell me!
Ok

>>88679651
Ooh, and have him get into recurring battles with his half-siblings that God made as a contingency plan, throughout the series.

>>88679639
Punisher kills Marlel Universe pls.

>>88679046


Spawn?

>>88677787
kikes are crazy

>>88679651
I have a better idea. It turns out Jesus was a satan's disciple all along.

I even know how the first issue would end.
It would be Jesus saying "Hail Satan" to his captor

File: 5552762373_5ce2156b1d_b.jpg (273KB, 683x1024px) Image search: [Google]

273KB, 683x1024px

I'd go with the ThreeA Fightin' J.C. version.

>>88682776
I would prefer Jesus Christ Z: The Quest for the Dragon Graal

>>88677565
I'd have him learn carpentry and use his God-powers to build a ship that can sail in the air. He would then travel around the world on it, feeding the hungry, healing the sick and teaching others how to do what he does until eventually saying he must go now, his planet needs him.
This would inspire mankind to seek out the stars.

File: 1387337361689.jpg (382KB, 802x1296px) Image search: [Google]

382KB, 802x1296px

No, have it where at times Jesus will look like a man, but other times where he take on very mild forms like the angels of heaven or his dad. Like a Lovecraftin deal, but he is a good guy with good intentions to save humanity.

Y'all need to quit playin' with JESUS.

>>88677565
Bukkake with the twelve apostles.

>>88678532
He's not scary in Mark, if anything he comes across as pretty chill. It would be good for a straight adaptation though, no nativity shit, and no ascending to heaven. Having a full page panel of the empty tomb as the ending would be cool.

>>88679069
>fun premise but I never finished it
Turns out he wasn't actually the reincarnation of Jesus.

His sister was.

>>88682495
Why not have Jesus battle Mohammed instead, who's another of God's herald?

>>88684650
I know, have Christian jesus fight muslim jesus (isa) to find who the real messiah is.

File: 1356288151277.jpg (44KB, 848x480px) Image search: [Google]

44KB, 848x480px

Jesus and the Devil work in different fast food restaurants right next to each other. Competing for customers and getting into all types of shenanigans.

File: Kpow..jpg (122KB, 268x307px) Image search: [Google]

122KB, 268x307px

>>88684666
Best line from that fight: "Stop hitting yourself, Stop hitting yourself."

>>88684700
The Son of God is a Part-Timer

File: japanese-jesus.jpg (122KB, 960x638px) Image search: [Google]

122KB, 960x638px

>>88677565
Someone has already done so.

>>88679603
>>88679690
James the Just (Jesus' bro) and James, son of Zebedee (the apostle) are two different dudes. BroJames was either a son of Mary and Joseph or a son of Joseph from a previous marriage, depending on the tradition.

>>88684883
That is so fascinating how did it even come around to be?

>>88677565
Get Bendis to write it, and make the character black.

File: Illusions strip.jpg (402KB, 1566x556px) Image search: [Google]

402KB, 1566x556px

>>88677565
It's been done. Rebooted and Updated. It's called Richard Bach's "Illusions". It was a strip.

File: I Use Windows.jpg (347KB, 2560x1600px) Image search: [Google]

347KB, 2560x1600px

>>88684700
THIS thing. Nao

File: Jesus Tomb in Kashmir.jpg (76KB, 455x342px) Image search: [Google]

76KB, 455x342px

>>88684883

File: Chronicles of Wormwood - The Last Battle 04 (of 06) (2010) (Digital) (K6-Empire) 03.jpg (2MB, 1988x3056px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1988x3056px

>>88685030
>make the character black.

Ennis already did that. This was my favourite version of Jesus as well as all of Christianity, by the way.

>>88685030

>make the character black

That's literally just the Green Mile.

>>88685152
>Wormwood

The demon?

>>88685230
But was it written by the incomparable Bendis?

>>88677870
Something not all virgin women even have to be technical

File: smughomu.png (444KB, 750x463px) Image search: [Google]

444KB, 750x463px

>>88685463

>he fell for the "I'm still a virgin, I just lost it while riding a bicycle" meme

>>88685410
>The demon?

The antichrist. He's also best friends with Jay, and they both told their fathers to go screw.

File: 1356286635584.gif (37KB, 200x194px) Image search: [Google]

37KB, 200x194px

>>88684700

Yeesssss

File: 1463770022824.jpg (336KB, 1000x1247px) Image search: [Google]

336KB, 1000x1247px

>>88677565
Instead of being a snotty show-off who argues with rabbis as child he works hard in a merchant caravan and travels the mediterranean world until he marries a rich widow.

Afterwards he is visited by angels who tell him that he is god's prophet.

He starts preaching like regular old-continuity jesus but when people don't like what he is saying he doesn't back down like some pussy who kisses his disclipes and gets nailed on cross soon after.

Instead he goes to another town, takes it over and starts to wage war upon his old hometown. Fastforward a decade or two of brutal desert warfare he has taken over his old hometown, slaughtered his opponents and is ready to spread love and harmony all across gods domain, until one of his concubines poisons him after bearing some petty grudge about him excecuting her entire family a few years back.

Luckily, his familia is ready to pick off from where he left off and, save for couple silly intersectional differences his word is spread all across the known world.

>>88685823
Sounds like it'll be an explosive hit.

File: 1480720944148.jpg (32KB, 324x448px) Image search: [Google]

32KB, 324x448px

>>88684323
Gnosticians pls leave

File: 1480725675009.png (61KB, 805x673px) Image search: [Google]

61KB, 805x673px

>>88684883
I think the best thing about that is how nonchalantly it says Jesus had brother named Isukiri who just went on cross instead.

File: James Gotham.jpg (72KB, 676x365px) Image search: [Google]

72KB, 676x365px

>>88684932

You do know why we're rebooting Jesus, right? Because the continuity makes no sense, is full of holes and retcons and people get their fake fan-fic confused with actual continuity. But remember, the actual continuity is so full of holes that a "real" continuity can't really be made. It's like trying to find out what year Byrne's Superman graduated from high school. Also, for some reason everybody has the same name (Frankly, I think they're they same people but by calling them new people you get to add characters to the story and make better fan-fic)


Every single James in the Bible has a mother named Mary. Every single one! The question is, are the various James a single person or multiple people? Is Mary "Virgin Mary" or a completely new Mary? The bible doesn't really give them descriptors or explain itself. When written nobody thought people would comb the book trying to find out who

According to tradition James the apostle and James Jesus's brother are the same man.

>>88684323
There's a thin line between love and hate.

>>88684700
Jesus-->Krusty Krab. Devil-->Chum Bucket.

File: Comissioner James Gordon Movie - DCEU J.K. Simmons_zpspohzo4o2.jpg (122KB, 1024x456px) Image search: [Google]

122KB, 1024x456px

>>88685928

The thing is, if you actually read the bible there are a bit too many contradictions. It's like, is Cyborg Superman an Earth scientist or is he Kryptonian? Is he white or black? Nobody knows.


Despite everyone thinking they're the same person for thousands of years, people have decided that James and James are actually two different people because of various continuity slips. How can Jimmy Olsen help Superman in Countdown when he was with Chloe Sullivan in his own comic book? Some people think James is even Three different people. Various traditions answer the various continuity questions differently but don't think there is a "real" continuity or a "right" answer or you just might start a holy war.

>Jesus is the son of A god, not the God
>There are several sons of other gods all fighting for control over Earth
>Hesus has got to defeat the fuckers

>>88684650
Jesus has to fight hordes of illegal Muslim invaders in Europe to protect his subjects.

File: jesus-versus-greek-gods-4.jpg (302KB, 1200x928px) Image search: [Google]

302KB, 1200x928px

Liefeld already did this.

>>88677565
Future Trunks travels back in time and gives Jesus the anti-crucifixion medicine so they can fight off Earth's demons.

>>88684883
Is this a thing alot of Japanese people believe?

>>88686125
Was liefeld the one that drew the male members of the X-men sucking off his characters in a hottub as some sort of shot at Marvel?

>>88685648
No, not talking about it being broken by non-sexual means. Meaning literally not all women even have the membrane to begin with

>>88677878
>>88677903
>When Morrison finally out-edged Millar

>>88686132
But then after they beat the demons some edgy faggot shows up in the Future timeline with a black Jesus and wrecks everything

File: neko_pepe.jpg (64KB, 736x682px) Image search: [Google]

64KB, 736x682px

>>88686307

>he fell for the "I was born without it" meme

File: 1356288490285.jpg (59KB, 407x521px) Image search: [Google]

59KB, 407x521px

>>88685987

Oh god that works far too well...

File: 1475340604213.jpg (192KB, 600x595px) Image search: [Google]

192KB, 600x595px

>>88686352
>>88685648
Your frog & waifus are shit.

Shit.

>>88684883
Anyone can fake death and appear alive three days later, but walking all the way from Nazareth to Japan? that's some godly shit.

File: kung-fu jesus.jpg (163KB, 420x470px) Image search: [Google]

163KB, 420x470px

>>88677565
Just remake Fist of the North Star, but center it around Toki instead of Kenshiro.

File: 1465227637035.jpg (25KB, 600x402px) Image search: [Google]

25KB, 600x402px

>>88686373

boku no hero academia is shit

>>88677565
Make him a super desu 15 year old school girl trying to survive school in modern day times with his 12 deciples being equally desu and quirky personalities. Judesia is a bitch who always tries to get Jesusica in trouble with the teacher.

>>88685463
Old Testament says if a woman's hymen isn't in tact she is not a virgin. Doesn't matter if she's actually had sex or not.

>>88685928
>According to tradition James the apostle and James Jesus's brother are the same man.

Well, that's wrong, but in a pretty complicated way.

There are four Jameses mentioned in the New Testament: James son of Zebedee, also known as James the Greater, James Son of Alphaeus, James the Just and James the Less. Of the four, James of Zebedee is the one who is always distinct from the other three. The others are often identified with each other depending on the tradition, but never with the Zebedee guy.

>>88686438
What does God really know about the vagina?

Dude has only had sex once in his eternal existence.

He's much more obsessed with dicks, and making sure you cut the foreskins off.

>>88679046
source?

File: over-time-unofficial-sentai-akibaranger-2-05-db449a95-mkv_snapshot_10-48_2013-05-12_00-15-55[1].jpg (130KB, 1280x720px) Image search: [Google]

130KB, 1280x720px

>>88684883
This is their revenge for us taking Power Rangers from them.

>>88685823

Talk about post-Crisis.

>>88686575
>What does God really know about the vagina?

...Well, as much as the guy who designed and constructed it presumably knows.

>>88686830
>Implying he didn't just copy and paste from another god's universe

>>88685823
>Instead he goes to another town, takes it over and starts to wage war upon his old hometown. Fastforward a decade or two of brutal desert warfare he has taken over his old hometown, slaughtered his opponents and is ready to spread love and harmony all across gods domain

Jesus, not Mohammed

File: him.jpg (31KB, 500x367px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 500x367px

Kinda

>>88687224
>The joke
your head

File: aor4fuA[1].png (155KB, 273x240px) Image search: [Google]

155KB, 273x240px

>>88687224

>>88677565
>How would /co/ reboot Jesus's origin story?

With Jesus: Year One duh

File: Injesus - Gods Among Us.jpg (1MB, 1280x996px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1280x996px

With an Elseworlds.

InJesus: Son of God Among Us

>>88679472
Sin corrupts the body and causes it to die. When the devil tricked the first man and woman into sinning, it doomed the entire race to eventually die out,(we were suppose to be immortal) and because the one thing God can't do is look upon sin(like a weakness, but not) This act also cut off our ability to talk directly to God. So now the almighty is left with a problem: Humans die because the devil showed we are incapable of not sinning. Which sucks because God really really liked that he made us,(think about what it would be like if you painted a painting and could never again admire it) Now, God can fix the problem of sin by straight up forgiving it, but can't forgive if there is guilt present. God came up with a temporary solution in which humans could sacrifice an innocent animal, as kind of an exchange or detraction for lack of a better word . But God needed a more permanent fix. So he came up with the plan to physically be born Himself as a human(ie Jesus) to serve as an example of how to live a life that was sinless. And in addition, as God lived through Jesus and lived a perfect sinless life, when he was murdered it served as a permanent and satisfactory sacrifice that rendered all sin obsolete, thus destroying the problem of death(and because Jesus never sinned, he of course came back to life 3 days later after chillin out in the heavenly realm) So now when you sin, if you pray for forgiveness and mention that you know about his boy Jesus, instead of seeing your sins, he sees the blood of his son(himself) and forgives you, allowing your soul immortality. Also, after Jesus came back to life, he imparted to us the "God side" of himself ie "the holy spirit" to dwell inside of our souls, explaining why we can directly talk(pray) to God now, granting all that call upon it to be able to have the same abilities Jesus had(if we ask for it)

tl/dr the bible is complex and multi layered already, and if you guys read the thing you would dig it .

>>88687741
Jesus should be portrayed in more media wielding a whip.

Or maybe even a whip in one hand and a sword in the other, for when the times comes for him to Bring It.

>>88687863
The serpent isn't the devil

>>88687741

>Now Jesus is a Jesus Metaphor!

With foreword by Zack Snyder.

>>88687899
Also he should fight Dracula

File: Combat_cross.png (183KB, 921x465px) Image search: [Google]

183KB, 921x465px

>>88688054
Simon Belmont is basically Jesus afterall.

>>88688054
Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter already exists.

>>88688259
That doesn't seem fair for the vampires.

Julius Belmont = Jesus

>>88677742
did you just assume xir holy gender?

File: Liefeld.jpg (121KB, 600x946px) Image search: [Google]

121KB, 600x946px

>>88677878
>it's ok when Morrison does it

First we'd need a worthwhile adversary for the big-G. An excommunicated underling just won't cut it. The only enemy that could be a challenge to an omnipotent being would be a more experienced version of the same one.

In the year 2005 God is forced to flee heaven due to an attack by the Decepticons and invokes auswahlen to gather the power of the heavenly host to tear open a portal in time for his escape. The only celestial being that survives is Jesus who gets 'Bizzaro'd' in the process and joins his father into the past.

Upon arrival, Insane Future God having been juiced with angelic power seemingly delivers a fatal blow to present day God who uses the last of his strength to send present day Jesus to Earth to carry on the fight. Jesus is forced to train with Satan due to their mutual enemy, and eventually learns various techniques form fallen pantheons, such as the Spirit Bomb from the ghost of Athena.

Satan is able to hold of Bizzaro-Jesus long enough for Jesus to gather energy from everyone in the universe including people from the Star Trek future who pelt the evil future God with photon torpedoes as Jesus hits him with the final blow, blasting his corpse into the depths of space.

All appears well, but as we pan out to the vast reaches of space, we see that the remains of the evil future God have been collected and cyborgized by the Black Hole Planet 3 aliens into Evil Future Mecha-God. To be continued?

>>88677565
A less mundane name. There were probably dozens preachers named Joshua around at the time. Patent and Copyright Trolls will have our necks for this and fan fiction writers (probably under the guise of involved people) will try to insert their own fan-wankery. No thanks, once is enough.

A less convoluted origin (the original ghostwriters tried to include really every possible messiah-prophecy, even contradicting ones, such as his ancestors, and the catholic church added the immaculate conception of Mary on top of this) and if it's got to be rooted in history, get the dates a bit more correct, this time ("hunted" by Herodes, who died 4BC, but was born in a year of the Bethlehem census (first one was ~6 AD), readers nowadays are picky, not even NoPrices will make them shut up about such simple continuity errors).

A hero is only as good as his villain and honestly, a struggle with himself or an injust world doesn't cut it. His own/fathers errand-boy Satan, had only guest appearances. I think that brand is burned. In the last season finale he had to get himself killed, by the relativly uninvolved roman extras, just to make it exiting. In short: Give him better villains.

>>88677878
dang, I was expecting the Wile E/ Coyote stand-in character from Animal Man

File: bolling961223.gif (49KB, 504x684px) Image search: [Google]

49KB, 504x684px

>>88677565
Jesus? Is he God-Man's sidekick?

>>88688054
>All whip-wielders are vampire hunters.
That's racist

>>88686842
why is our god such a fucking hack?

>>88684883
I really hope they do some multi-Jesus crossover event.
Crisis on infinite Christs.

>>88691484
He's the bendis + Land of divinity.

Thats why you use the same tube to eat with as you do to breathe.

>>88688832
Morrison has flat out stated he's doing it ironically though.