Spider-man (1967) Ep 2A: Where Crawls the Lizard

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Ey Chuck, what are we fishin' for down here in dem Floridy Everglades?

I dunno Al, manatees, piranhas, dolphins, froggies, worms and plastic minnows?

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OOOOOOOOUT OOOOOOOOUT OF MUH KINGDOM

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AHHHHH! What is that? Is it a lizard? Or is it a man?!

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Clearly a Lizard-man ya pink-skinned mammalian dinguses!

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And this is MUH SWAMP. GIT. OWT. OF. MUH. SWWWWWAMP.

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Have a taste of the water! There's pee in it. There's A LOT of pee in it!

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And what are you lookin' at anon, don't look at me like that, you've peed in the pool and at least I'm Lizard-man enough to admit it.

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Now you two! GIT! Today I rule the swamp! Tomorrow! The World!

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WE LEAVIN' WE LEAVIN'

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EXTRY EXTRY READ ALL ABOUTIT LIZARD MAN SLIGHTLY TERRORIZES ONE MAN, LEAVES OTHER MAN INDIFFERENT

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GET YOUR BUGLE READ ALL ABOUT IT

TODAY'S GARFIELD ESPECIALLY LACKLASTER JIM DAVIS' GHOSTWRITER CLEARLY PHONING IT IN READ ALL ABOUT IT

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A lizard man in Florida? I'd love to fight a character like that! But how would I ever get to Florida? There's the usual problem of having no moneys and there's the problem of me not knowing where it is or how to get there!

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Better ask ol' Picklepuss. He's always willing to put up cash for a scoop! What a second, no he's not, but who else am I gonna ask?

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PARKER! You want to fight the Lizard? YOU? Don't make me laugh! You haven't been keeping up on your training, your spirit energy is low, you haven't released your Bankai yet, and your chakra reserves are pitiful! You'd be lucky to knock over a Saibaman let alone beat up a Lizard man!

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Betty: But Mr. Jameson! What if he does beat up the Lizard? Peter's the underdog! Everyone loves a good story of a scrawny man giving it his all against impossible odds even if he does go down faster than Kimbo Slice!

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Whoa hold on a sec may I speak? I don't want to fight the guy I want to take his picture! We're a newspaper not a martial arts dojo, remember?

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Parker: Imagine the headlines! Handsome, Debonair, and well-endowed Publisher J. Jonah Jameson scoops nation with first ever photos of the brutal Lizard Man and confirms that /x/ was right along!

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HMMMMMMMMMMMM

I got it! Replace well-endowed with Mammothly-endowed and have two page spread outline of my penis for the kids to compare theirs to and we have ourselves a story! Well, Parker, what are you waiting for, World Toilet Day? GET ME THOSE PICTURES. I'll pay for your plane fare.

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Peter: Con successful!

Betty: Bring me back a deep-fried snowglobe, ok?

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LATER IN FLORIDA

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HERE LIZARD LIZARD LIZARD
ANYONE SEEN A MONSTER?

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Dr. Curtis Conner? There's something not right about this sign. Still, it's a good place to start. If I'm going to wrassle a lizard I must first learn to think like a lizard.

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Awww no not bigfoot too! I'm only here to take pictures of one monster! JJ won't pay for two!

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Aha! As I suspected! My feet are nearly the same size!

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He thinks he can make it to Dr. Conner's laboratory? He won't! I'll ssssssssssee to that!

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Did somebody say something? My Spidey sense tells me someone's starting to talk shit about me. Huh. Must be the swamp wind.

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Lizard: Got your leg!

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Whoaaaaaa

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Lizard: 360 Lizard Power Swing!

Spider-man: If you're trying to make it in to Marvel vs. Capcom 4 you'll have to do better than that! Put your back and tail into it!

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Spider-man: Now let go! There's leaches and water moccasins down here!

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Spider-Man: Let me send you off 1 league under the swamp.

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Spider-Man: Say, your ass is rock-hard, what's your secret, that can't just be squats can it?

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*cough* *gasp* *ackam*

It's going to take weeks to lose this wet-spider smell.

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Still don't know a thing about fighting Lizard Men but something tells me under water where they try to drown ain't the way to do it.

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See ya later alligator! I'll be back after I have a chat with a smart science guy!

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AaaaaAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAA

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You better run! Next time when we fight I won't just be fighting with 1/3 of my true strength!

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Billy: H-hey! I know you! You're Spider-man! If you offer me candy or a puppy or a car ride I'm supposed to take off running.

Spider-man: That's right! I'm your worst nightmare! Now who are you?

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Billy: My name's Billy. Billy Conner.

Spider-man: Any relation to Dr. Conner?

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Billy: He's my dad, at least he was my dad. We used to live in that house until he just disappeared. He's been gone for a week. My mom's been crying for 13 days, but he's been gone for a week.

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Spider-Man: Your mom's living alone, sad, vulnerable, and sexy in that big house all by herself? Maybe I should have a talk with her. A long, sensual talk.

Billy: And then you'll find my dad, Spider-man?

Spider-man: Yes. Or I'll be your new dad.

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.. And when I got up in the morning he was gone! I just assumed he died and put his picture up. Here, you can have the note, I don't know what he meant by it for I cannot read.

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Let's have a looksee. It's all damp and torn!

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Hmmmm he says there's a terrible monster living around here and you're supposed to take Billy and remarry the first virile man you come across and leave all your valuables and deed to your house to him.

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Spider-man: I will save you and your possessions from this monster and then we can hold hands! AND YOUR NAME IS MARTHA?! FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHY IS EVERYONE WHO NEEDS SAVING NAMED MARTHA?

Martha: Well ok...

Billy: MOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

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Stay back Lizard! Don't hurt me!

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OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA

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Martha: Not Billy! He's being accosted by that... creature!

Spider-Man: You know we can always make another child...

Martha: Save my son!

Spider-Man: FINE

(bumps would be appreciated if anyone's reading. Plus I love the commentary you guys bring)

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What are you doing Billy, don't you want to play with your old man? I don't want to hurt you!

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Spider-Man: I'll be the one who decides who gets hurt around here! Hold on tight to my well-defined muscles, Billy!

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Spider-Man: You stay here, Kid. Pretty sure lizards can't climb trees. Watch me Spidey Swing him.

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Spider-Man: AWW FUCK

Lizard: GOT YOUR LEG

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Lizard: Now! At long last! I have you right where I want you!

Spider-Man: I've never kissed someone with a forked tongue but I'll try anything once.

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Martha: YOU GO AWAY GREEN MONSTER! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE! SHOO SHOO!

Lizard: Martha! She can't see my like this! Not until my plans are complete!

Thanks OP

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Wha? What happened? Did I get my first kiss?

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Martha: Billy! You're ok!

Billy: Moooooooom! Not in front of the superhero!

>>87496231
And thank you, anon bro.

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Billy: Spider-man Saved me! But why did the Lizard run away all the sudden when he heard your voice?

Martha: Every time I look at I regret that you didn't get enough of my genetics. God, every time I look at you it looks like someone new beat you with an ugly stick.

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I don't even know what's going on. I dun goofed and got saved by a desperate housewife.

Ok whew. Deep Breath. Let's get this plot moving.

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Spider-man: Mrs. Conner, what exactly was your husband working before he disappeared?

Martha: I don't remember! It was either some cure for swamp fever or amputations or some shit. Do I LOOK like a scientist in this continuity?

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Guess we'll just have to break into his lab and rummage through all his stuff then.

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WHOA! Look at all this science! And it's still warm! OMIGOSH THERE'S SO MUCH SCIENCE I'VE WAITED ALL DAY TO SCIENCE AND NOW I CAN SCIENCE WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S SCIENCE.

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Ta-da! This looks to be the most flavorful Sour Green Apple soda ever created. But there's something wrong with it! Look at that unsafe level of carbonation!

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Better take a quick Spidey Sample and look at it up close to see what's in it!

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God I love microscopes.

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AHA! This isn't good science! This is bad science! There's reptile DNA and it's moving in a suspicious manner!

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That explains this map! There's a red dot around every swamp in the world! That proves that a Lizard did this! Lizards are notoriously bad at geography!

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I WANT TO FUCK HIS SHIT UP SO MUCH

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Spider-Man: But instead I'll find an antidote for Lizards because chemistry is fun! Kids, you stay in school and you can do this for a living!

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I think I've poured enough liquids around to make a cure. Red is always a better color drink than green.

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HEY! THAT'S MY JUNIOR CHEMISTRY SET. I BOUGHT IT WITH MY OWN MONEY. GET YOUR STICKY FINGERS OFF OF MUH STUFF!

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Lizard: Soon! The entire world will tremble at my name! When I pour that serum into the swamp I'll create a reptile army that will take over the world.

Spider-Man: I should have guessed! Well, you'll have to pry this serum from my cold, dead, hands!

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Spider-man: DAMN IT.

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*BONK*

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Way to go butterfingers. The speed and strength of a superlizard beats that of a Spider any day. My path to conquer the world starts with me eliminating you.

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*BOOM*

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Martha: Spider-man? Are you ok?

Spider-man: I'm.... I'm having a bad day. I am OK! Next time I'll do something to avoid getting hurt!

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You can go hunt that Lizard but first you're going to clean up this room or you're grounded.

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*sigh* fiiiiiine.

This is the second time he's knocked me down. Third time's the charm, but first.... I clean house.

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We'll see how he handles MY serum next we meet.

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Spider-man: He's out to create a reptile army and it's up to me to stop him! Look after our errr your mom Billy.

I'll take the web propeller to search fast!

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SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR SPEEDERMAN

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Walloping websnappers! My Spidey-sense tells me he's hiding in that old Spanish Fort!

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Spider-Man: What's he doing? About to play Golf? Nothing is greater than golf with a gator but is this really the time or the place?

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Lizard: Now my pets! When I pour the serum into the swamp Mankind will be at my mercy! Come! Come and watch!

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Spider-man: One for JJ! That should make that old skinflint happy.

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Now it's wrasslin time! Uh oh, the bricks here are loose.

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Shoddy Spanish Construction! This is why you guys lost control of Spanish Floridaaaaaaaa

>>87495974
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME

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Lizard: Spider-man! You're still alive?

Spider-man: Yeah! Last I checked!

Lizard: After him my pets!

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Spider-Man: We're at the point in the relationship where you're introducing me to the parents already? Had I known I'd have worn the good red dress!

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*scamper scamper scamper*

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Word to the wise, Lizard, alligators are slow as shit on land. You really expect that to work? You're supposed to be the lizardoligist!

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ALRIGHT! WHERE DID YOU GO? READY OR NOT HERE I COME

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Lizard: Surprise piggyback ride! How does it feel to have gross squishy lizard genitals at the back of your neck?!

Spider-man: No no no you're supposed to T-bag from the FRONT

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Lizard: YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK AFTER YOU'RE STRANGLED

Spider-Man: Before you get around to that could you get the knot in my neck? It's been killing me all day

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Have we tried webbing yet? No? Seems like an oversight...

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AGHAHBAGABAH ICKY SPIDERWEBS GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF

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Spider-Man: What's that? You want more? Happy to oblige

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Spider-Man: Now take your medicine like a good lil lizard

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GAAAAAAAAAAHMMMMMM

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lol I hope I'm right I don't have a plan B

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BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHMMMMMMPPPHHHH

IT TASTES
IT TASTES LIKE
IT TASTES LIKE PURE CHERRY JUICE, POMEGRANATE 5 HOUR ENERGY, CRANBERRY JUICE, LEMON JUICE, GRAPEFRUIT, PRUNE JUICE, TOMATOES, AND GRAPE COUGH SYRUP

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Dr. Conner: What happened here?

Spider-man: You tried your serum on yourself and I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING ABOUT YOUR MISSING ARM THIS ENTIRE TIME FOR SYMPATHY! YOU WERE JUST TUCKING IT INTO YOUR SHIRT AND PLAYING US ALL FOR SAPS!

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Thanks for saving me from my living nightmare I am sure to relapse into Spider-man. How can we ever repay you?

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Can you tell me how to get out of this swamp? I've been trapped here for days and could you pay for my trip back home? I hate it here, who knows what the mosquitoes who've had a taste of my radioactive blood will unleash on humanity.

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Dr. Conner: Um sure. Could you not tell anyone about me being a Lizardguy?

Martha: Thanks a lot Spider-man.

Billy: JUST WAIT UNTIL I TELL THE KIDS AT SCHOOL HOW MY MOM GOT THIS CLOSE TO GETTING WITH SPIDER-MAN

Spider-Man: Uh yeah. No prob. I'm going to go now...

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JJ: PARKER! THESE PHOTOS OF THIS "LIZARD MAN" ARE USELESS IT'S ALL FAKE! HOW'D I EVER LET YOU TALK ME INTO PAYING FOR YOUR TRIP DOWN THERE ANYWAYS!

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Excuse me? Those pictures were great. Fite me.

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Yeah! Great pictures! Of a man in a costume! I just learned that they're making a movie in the Florida Everglades about Lizards and the men who love them! This whole thing was a big publicity stunt!

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JJ: I'll level with you, Parker, I'm not really that upset about the Lizard Man pictures. I heard Benedict Cumberbatch is starring in that movie and honestly, who hasn't mistaken him for a lizard man at least once in their life.

BUT SPIDER-MAN WAS THERE TOO AND YOU DIDN'T TAKE PICTURES OF HIM. MY STASH IS GETTING LOW. EXPLAIN.

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Parker: Oh Mr. Jameson, guess my hands were all tied up.

JJ: AND DON'T YOU WINK AT ME, YOU KNOW I DON'T GO FOR INTER-EMPLOYEE OFFICE RELATIONSHIPS AND I DON'T CARE HOW JUICY AND PERT YOUR ASS LOOKS YOU'RE NOT GETTING A RAISE.

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lawl. Would a major movie studio make a movie about a Lizard Man trying to turn the world into Lizards? Naaaaah. No one's dumb enough to think that'd make for a good idea.

THE END

Hope ya enjoyed. See ya around next Saturday! Have a fun rest of your weekend.

Next week we got an Electro ep.

>>87498199
Thanks, Saturday Night Storytimer.

>>87498783
You are very welcome.

>>87494558
>when the thumb nail makes it look like a pepe

>>87498892
The rarest one of all, an accidental pepe

Bump for OC

>>87500246

>>87501769

>>87496081
jesus christ it is pepe. the 70s predicted everything