Fantastic Four Storytime ep 18: Terrible Tribunal

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E1: Mister Dell, prepare an away team using the most stealthy lumbering robots you have at your disposal and put is in orbit.

Dell: Sir, are we Cylons?

E1: That I cannot tell you. I do not know. Nobody knows. We weren't programmed to know. You have your orders.

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E1: Our target... the Baxter Building. Execute operation as soon as possible.

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Johnny: Hey Torch, it's your turn to switch off the light.

Ben: No way. I'm not going to do it.

Johnny: Come on. We're roommies. I did it last time.

Ben: And you're gonna keep on doing it until the end of time. Turn out that light or we sleep like this.

Johnny: Thing... living with you is like living in a living nightmare.

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Reed: Sue, can we sleep in the same bed? Please? The other heroes are laughing at us. Even the Pyms!

Sue: Only if you promise to stop doing science experiments in bed. I'm tired of finding beakers and tiny weights and sheets of paper between the sheets.

Reed: Give up on science? NEVER

Sue: Then you can keep being your own onahole in your own bed!

Reed: Fine!

Sue: FINE!

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WAKEY WAKEY. We've been programmed to break this wall and getcha

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Sue: Reed! We have a robot infestration!

Reed: And they have... supersoakers?!

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PEW

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Reed: No! They're not waterguns! They're rapture guns!

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What was that noise?!

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I heard it too! I got a bad feelin' about this, Johnny Boy

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Ben: Whaaa? Who are they?!

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Computers... computers... maybe if we download a lot of porn and torrents from sketchy websites without any virus protection or adblock they'll be too slowed down to hurt us!

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Nevermind! Ain't got time for that! Hit the deck!

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Yo motherboard so stupid she only got 2 megs of ram!

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I only have half-cover! Even this very durable titanium wooden dresser won't hold up for much longer!

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Flame on!

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Torch: That robot's got sick moves! He's too stylin' to fall for a frontal attack!

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I'll go to the other window! They'll never expect me to come in from the back!

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And spindashing as hard as I can!

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Picked up a spare buncha bots!

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SENDEM HERE. OL' BENJY WILL TUCK EM TO BEDDY BYE

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ENTER SLEEP MODE NICE AND TIGHT. DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE

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*WHAM*

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WE FOLLOW THE FIRST RULE OF COMPUTING. ALWAYS HAVE BACKUP

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Ben: I'm hit. Noooo. Johnny! Save yourself!

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Torch: I will! ... Damnit! I'm hit too! All this firey agility! Useless!

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Ensign Mac: We have them all, E-1.

E-1. Excellent. Make it so we engage back to our home planet on the double. But first dig out poor Dell and Linux from behind that bed and put them in the recycle bin.

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Careful how you land the ship! It's white and you see scratches very easily!

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E-1: How foolish are making ghostbusting Muon Traps only for them be easily reworked to capture humans!

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E-1: Humans are in prison... Good work everyone. Let's go out for some ram doubling. I'm buying!

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Sue: What happened? Where are we?

Johnny: I DON'T KNOW, SIS, I MATERIALIZED AT THE EXACT SAME TIME YOU DID. WHY WOULD I KNOW ANYTHING.

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Johnny: But to state the obvious because you need it, sis, those robots took us and put us in this cell and put laser bars up to keep us in.

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Ben: Yeah! Those laser bars look like serious business! And hey! Where's Reed? I don't see stretch nowhere!

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Now it's my turn to state the obvious! Reed isn't here so he must be... somewhere else! For some reason!

You know, we all hate my hubby for being an insufferable know-it-all but at least he knows more about just about anything than the three of us put together.

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Order in the court! Or is it disorder in the court? In any event the Terrible Tribunal is now in session!

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Court's on! Bring in the Prisoner, Mr. Reed Fantastic Richards.

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Reed: ... What is going on here? A courtroom?

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This is an evil court! Mr. Fantastic and his associates are charged with crimes against evil!

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Reed: Crimes against evil? What the hell is that supposed to mean? The whole reason I got into his hero business is because I could do whatever I wanted to evil in the name of science because everything we do is perfectly legal.

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Judge: WROOOOOOOONG. In our society on our distant planet people who fight crimes are the criminals and that makes you the ... accuser and us the defendants? Everything is the opposite and we practiced our extra-terrestrial rights to bring you here to put you on evil trial!

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A court of evil? Everything is opposite? Then do I get a really good lawyer or a really bad lawyer and you do whatever he says? Do you pay me bail money to keep me here? Is the Bailiff here to rough up everyone besides me? Is it recommended for me to lie my ass off under oath? Do I object to you or do you object to me?

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STOP IT YOU'RE TRYING TO CONFUSE ME. Stop badgering the judge! Which is normally ok for people to do but you're annoying me so cut it out.

Anyways! We have accusers! They're behind you! Check em out!

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Reed: Those guys? And Damn!. Those robots are going to be a tough crowd to win over, too. Somehow I'll need to turn this case around!

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Reed: First we have... that guy from the first episode. His name escapes me at the moment? Starts with a K? Or is it a C? He looks kind of like a Sentinel... I'm sure it will come back to me in a moment.

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Reed: And Molecule Man! You too?! We went through all the effort of turning you back into a normal guy and you turned yourself back into a pasty monster just to bring me to court?! I'm impressed!

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Reed: And Blast Starr?! WE FOUGHT YOU JUST LAST WEEK AND YOU WENT OFF TO SPACE IN THE NEGATIVE ZONE UNHARMED. YOU TOO?!

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Molecule Man: I'm glad you remembered at least two of us. The guy over here is Klaww just to remind you. We're going to try you for crimes against us and torture you at the same time with the Clipshowinator machine! It'll be fun! And we'll get to see which of us almost got ya the closest!

Klaww: Will I get to do anything?

Molecule Man: Shut up, Klaww, no one likes or fears you.

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Clipshowinator? I've never heard of that form of torture... what does it do?

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Judge: See that Robit? He's strapped into the Clipshowinator. It draws memories out and shows them on a screen to save money. It's quite painful for you, for me, for everyone involved, really.

Reed: What did that Robit do?

Judge: Oh Steve? He kept insisting he has a soul when it's obvious that robits do not and will never have souls. He's insane.

Steve: 10100001001010200101

Judge: See? He makes no sense.

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Anyways! At the conclusion of us watching your memories we'll decide if you're guilty or innocent. I forget which one is the good one or the bad one ... this evil trial isn't very well plotted out, but with the bad one we hit this button and then THIS happens.

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Steve: AH! PAPRIKA! MY LEAST FAVORITE SPICE! IT'S GETTING IN EVERYWHERE

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Reed: You monsters! No one can stand that much! He's gone!

(Some bumps would be appreciated if anyone's watching. Thank you.)

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Dos: The prisoner is ready.

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Judge: Since you don't remember Klaww so much maybe we'll make you relive what you did to the poor guy!

Reed: I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER. MAKE IT STOP. IT HURTS SO MUCH LIKE PASSING 2 KIDNEY STONES AT ONCE.

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Reed: It's REALLY hazy.... I remember him busting into our house for no reason whatsoever.

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Reed: I punched him in the dick a lot because it seemed like a good weakpoint to exploit.

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Reed: Johnny did too. I made myself into an elastic backstop and we punched him back and forth in some human game of volleyball. Naturally, I won, and I imagine his face, chest, and penis were quite bruised.

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Reed: After beating the shit out of him for trespassing got old I decided to smother him until he ran out of air and suffocated.

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Reed: And that's how I murdered Klaww! I think Thing was in the rumpus room the whole time and I don't remember seeing Sue anywhere though I know she was there...

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Judge: Hold on? You murdered him? He's sitting right over there! Something doesn't add up!

Reed: Obviously after he died he made a full recovery! It happens all the time!

Judge: You do have a point.

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Let's bust out of here and find Reed! Stone walls do not a prison make nor laser bars!

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NOT WHEN IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

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Ack! Laser bars are hard to clobber!

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Thing: Just give me a coupla minutes and I'll try again.

Johnny: Nevermind that! We'll find another way out. Something you said gave me an idea!

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Johnny: Let's try going through the parts that aren't lasers.

Sue: Good idea! Look Ben! Johnny has a good idea!

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Johnny: These bars aren't even made of stone! They're styrofoam!

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Ben: Sure! Ya did the smart thing and disabled the bars! But now we got all the guards comin' our way!

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Sue: They're shooting! I'll make a forcefield! And Johnny! Change your hair back to blond ASAP. You look like a huge nerd with orange hair!

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Good ol' reflecting forcefields.

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Johnny: That does it for this room, now onto Reed.

Ben: Next time let me punch something ok? I'm feelin' a bit left out ya know?

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Judge: Next! We're going to hear about Blast Starr! How you wronged him!

Reed: DAMNIT NO. REMEMBERING WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK IS TORTURE!

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Reed: I wasn't even here for this but I imagine Ben grabbing some blunt object and hitting the bad guy. He does it every time.

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Reed: I assume Sue put up a forcefield because that's all she's good for and Blast Starr was too much of an idiot to move to the left or right past it.

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Reed: I remember I put some wires in a helmet to transfer atomic energy and yatta yatta yatta we win the day.

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Reed: Oh yeah! I forgot! He tripped and fell through a wall and THEN we put the helmet on and beat him.

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Judge: That sound right to you guys?

Blast Starr: WHAT?! No! I fought way harder than that! I came the closest!

Klaww: No I did!

Molecule Man: Who cares? You SKIPPED me and I'm in the middle! Left to right man, come on.

Judge: We're GETTING to that. Moving on!

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Molecule Man: Finally! We're getting to the good part! You two watch! Oh! I wish I had popcorn! I come use my powers to make some but it's just not the same!

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AHHHHH! THE...CLIPSHOWINATOR... IS... DRIVING ME... INSANE AHhhhhAHHHHHhhhhh!
I'M LOSING. MY. MIND.

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Reed: I don't even know anymore... I think I had a tank? I don't know why? It feels like I had a tank?

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Reed: And Molecule Man used that silly magic wand of us to make things do things? He turned the fire hydrant deadly and Ben had to clobber it into submission? HELP SOMEBODY HELP. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

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Molecule Man: Enjoying the show, Klaww?

Klaww: Actually yes! Watching sweat and tears of pain is something I like to see!

(Autosage here we coooooome)

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Ben: What this?

Sue: It's some kind of courtroom!

Johnny: And Reed! He's strapped into a machine screaming out memories that appear on the screen above it!

Ben: And over there we got Blast Starr, Molecule Man, and whatshisname! They watching too!

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Sue: We need a plan! Something sneaky to save Reed!

Ben: Don't worry Suebaby! I got this covered!

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CLOBBERANAMO!

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THIS IS HOW I APPROACH THE BENCH

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Ben: I don't like the look of that little Gizmo! Gimme dat!

Bump because this is greatest thing ever

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THING SMASH PUNY CONTROLLER

>>86670835
Whew. You're a lifesaver and the real hero. I was afraid this would be the first one I wouldn't be able to finish.

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Ben? Sue? Johnny? You're here?! GET ME OUT OF HERE. MR. FANTASTIC WANTS OUT.

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Torch: Hold on a sec I'll get you out. Poor guy. It looks like you've drank 5 shots of whiskey followed by a gallon of milk chaser.

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Yeah. Why couldn't you all have saved me BEFORE all the torture happened? Some heroes...

I can take the rest from here. Let me flex my way out of this harness...

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YEAH YEAH YEAH

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There! Free at least! Thank God almighty I'm free at last!

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Sue: What horrible thing could have happened to make you of all people credit God for anything?

Reed: I'll explain later... but first we have REVENGE to dish out on Klawwguy, Blast Starr, and Molecule Man. They're out of order. This whole damn court is out of order!

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LONG AS I GOTS ME SOME CURTAINS I KEEP SWINGIN' FROM EM'

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Blast Starr: Ok, swinging once was a great entrance but now it's just plain repetitive. You stop that.

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Shucks! I liked the curtains!

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Blast Starr: See? I'm the greatest.

Molecule Man: Seriously? After just that? I have a magic science wand! Much better than shooting hand lasers!

Klaww: Give me a chance! I have sound! I can shoot it! I'm cool!

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Thing: Think I can sue these guys for having unsafe curtains? I think I hurt my back! I think I gots GROUNDS to sue.

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Molecule Man: Who cares which one of us is the strongest! With the power of friendship and teamwork we can work together and defeat all of them at once and that way we all get credit for killing the Fantastic Four! Everyone shoot at once!

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Don't those idiots know when heroes team up they get stronger but when villains team up they all get weaker? Look at how unsuccessful the Sinister Six or Legion of Doom or the Mutant Brotherhood are!

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Blast Starr: I'm getting shoved back by something invisible!

Molecule Man: Don't back that ass up into me! Spread out!

Klaww: I better protect my dick...something painful is coming I just know it.

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Help! We're stuck in a bubble! Robots? Judge? Anyone?

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RISE FORCEFIELD

Should I suffocate them? Crush them? Or lift them high and drop them? Or all of the above? So many choices!

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Johnny: Hold that Sphere! I'm going to cut a hole in the floor! We can get rid of them that way!

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Yeah! We have ourselves a genuine plot hole! Once we drop em from here we'll never hear or see from them ever again!

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Klaww: Noooooo! I'll never beat Black Panther! I was the great white hope!

Molecule Man: I'll never get to be a villain in any Marvel/Sony/Fox Movie EVER

Blast Starr: I'll never get to sell shampoo and conditioner after growing the most perfectly groomed beard of all time!

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That takes care of us you guys! Now for the army of robits that ever-so-politely sat and watched the fight.

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Torch: If there's something that will keep pesky computers at bay it's a firewall! There's no way they're getting through that!

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Thing: That takes care of all the robits!

Sue: All but one! There's one over there slowly strolling away!

Thing: WHERE? I'M NOT SETTLING FOR LESS THAN 100% DESTRUCTION

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Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down

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Oh-no!

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CROSS COUNTER

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Reed: Ben's been knocked out cold! And worse yet he's in the clipshowinator!

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Reed: WE HAVE TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE. WITHOUT THE WILLPOWER TO FIGHT IT HE'LL TEAR HIS OWN MIND APART

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Ben: YEAH THAT WAS A GOOD PUNCH. THAT SUPER SKRULL WAS A PUSSY. I LOVED THAT PUNCH

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Ben: OH YEAH! THAT ONE! I WAS UPCUTTING WATER GUYS! THEY WOULD FLOAT UP THEN SLOWLY SINK DOWN

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AND GIVING THE SILVER SURFER A RIGHT HOOK. THAT WAS THE BEST. KNOCKED THAT SUCKER RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF THE BAXTER BUILDING WITH THAT ONE! I COULD RELIVE THAT ONE OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

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Johnny: He's reliving all his fights?

Sue: He looks happy...

Reed: No! He's creating a feedback loop! If he doesn't get out of there soon he'll explode! But if we yank him out we risk bringing the whole place down! What to do?

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YEAH YEAH THAT WAS WHEN I WAS TINY FIGHTING TINY LITTLE LIZARD FELLAS. THEY HAD SURPRISINGLY TOUGH TAILS FOR BEING ITTY BITTY WIMPS

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Ben: (MORE I NEED MORE. IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO RELIVE THESE ONE AT A TIME I NEED TO RELIVE THEM ALL CONCURRENTLY)

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Ben: This... hasn't happened yet! This means I'm living fights that haven't even happened yet! I'm clobbering people by throwing rocks at em! It's a big rock!

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Ben: OH! RIGHT THROUGH THEIR SHIELDS! THEY MUST BE DEAD! YESSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSS

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Reed: There's no time! I have to get him out! Brain damage or no his mind can't take much more of this!

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Ben: I seen it. I seen it all. For a brief second I was in Clobbervana and I understand everything. The Universe, life, everything. For a brief second I had tapped into the clobberforce and I WAS clobbering time.

Fantasi-bump

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Ben: Why? WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY FROM THAT? It was like I had reached out and punched the face of God and YOU BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE BEFORE I COULD FINISH OFF THE FUCKER.

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Reed: Yeah yeah whatever. We need you here because we got shit to do still. You can write a book about your experience or something.

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Reed: We're leaving Ben. I broke the device and you can either sit there or come with us. Your choice. No one cares about your experience in the machine.

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Thing: We have to find a way off the planet anyways. I'm the idol of millions and they ain't here.

Reed: We need to find a way back to the surface. Everyone keep running to the right!

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Sue: Oh look! A cute little stupid little drill tank! They're great!

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Reed: Everyone! We're going to the surface! Hold on! We're digging upwards!

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Johnny: We made it!

>>86671938
Thanks a bunch.

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Judge: You're not done escaping Judgebot yet! I have the Judgebot 3000 for delivering great mecha extra justice!

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Reed: Everyone out! This thing's going to blow!

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Yes run! But if justice is blind for you then evil justice is deadly accurate!

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Help! He's sprained all the ankles!

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Thing: Cheer up. It was only a matter of time before your womanhood caught up with ya.

Reed: There's no use running! We have to fight this retarded looking AT-AT

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Torch: I'll do it! I'll take care of the gun first!

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Judge: Sorry... this has never happened to me before.

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Thing: We're safe in this hole for the moment. But not for long.

Sue: Can't we stay here? I like the hole!

Reed: No! I have a plan! It will take all us to do the most juvenile act of all time! Let's get to work!

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HEY STUPID I'M DOWN HERE. I KICKED YOUR MECH IN THE SHINS.

OK SUE I GOT HIS ATTENTION YOUR TURN!

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Reed: Great work, Sue! Keep him off balance while I push! Johnny! Hit his legs from the other side!

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WAAAAAAAAAAH

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Reed: Consider yourself tipped! What works on cows work on everything else!

Johnny: He's getting away! He put a rocketship in... upside down?

Sue: That planner! He knew we were going to flip him over on his back and was prepared for it!

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Judge: CASE IS DISMISSED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

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Reed: He's gone! No longer a threat!

Ben: We're stuck here... stuck on a barren, creepy planet. This is the worst day of my life.

Sue: Oh don't be so dramatic. We'll find a spaceship or build one or something. We always do!

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Thing: THIS IS THE ONLY SHIP LEFT WE LOOKED ALL OVER AND IT ONLY FITS THREE.

Reed: It's fine. We'll draw straws to see who gets in and everything will be fine.

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Whooptyfucking doo. I grab the short straw here just like everything else in life. So what? I'm stuck here while you guys ride in style? I'll KILL YOU ALL IF YOU TRY TO DITCH ME HERE

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Sue: I appreciate having the heated vibrating massaging seats, but couldn't you have stretched around into a small ball or have Johnny fly alongside the ship and put Thing inside?

Reed: I could have but he's getting on my nerves today. So I took out the gun and put him in front of the ship. The time alone will be good for him.

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Thing: YOU GUYS SUCK. THE SOLAR WINDS ARE IN MY FACE AND I'M GONNA GET SPACE BUGS IN MY TEETH. AND WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T FIRE THAT SPACE GUN AND LAUNCH ME OUT OF HERE.

Bumping for OP.

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Sue, Reed, Johnny: HAHAHAHAHA OK BEN WE'LL TRY TO REMEMBER NOT TO PULL THE TRIGGER

Ben: I WASN'T JOKING. STOP LAUGHING.


THE END

Hope you all enjoyed this episode everyone. It's been fun. We have two more episodes and we're moving onto another.

Until next Saturday night! See ya then!

As always, all previous episodes are here

http://pastebin.com/tjREijhZ

>>86672826
And thank you and everyone else.

>>86668252
I love you, OP

>>86674921
I love you too.

>>86674195

Nice as always.

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>>86671908
>For a brief second I had tapped into the clobberforce

>>86668918
>>86668941
>Save yourself!
>I will!

That got me.

>>86669873

BUMP!

>>86668660
Kek

>>86668402
Great stuff, OP

OP , you and your puns are too much!
Good work!

>>86668660
Madman.

>>86680417

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>>86671908
ur slayin me op

>>86671908
>I WAS clobbering time

Holy shit you got me.

OP, these are criminally underrated. Never burn out.

Thank you

>>86671908
>the clobberforce
The Speedforce has nothing on the Thing.

>>86669821
I AM ENTERTAINED.
I AM VERY ENTERTAINED!

>>86671908
Here, was Ben saying he clobbered time itself or he became one with the concept of "clobbering time"?

>>86671908
this shit is gold

>>86671543
kek

>>86693009
He become one with clobbering time, becoming one with it and drinking in and absorbing all of its awesome power instead of tapping into a minuscule amount of it as he normally does.

>>86671908
If the Fantastic Four comics ever brings up the clobberforce, I will never ever complain about those terrible terrible movies.