Post Simpsons jokes that make you laugh every time

It's like I'm wearing nothing at all!

Nothing at-

Well you know.

La cumbancha volante

THE JAPANESE!?

Back to Winnipeg.

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>Smithers, I'm beginning to think Homer Simpson is not the brilliant tactician I made him out to be...

>>83230751
>did you find the bathroom alright?
>....yes.

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>Groundskeeper Willie: Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.
>Shary Bobbins: It's good to see you, Willie.
>Groundskeeper Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the FIRST time you saw me!

I used to have a gif of it but the bit where Burns remembers crippling someone with a bumper car when he was a child and he can't stop laughing about it.

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>>83231052
got u covered famalam

>>83231099
Know that on this day, and until the end of days, that you truly are my nigga.

>>83229992
>... Batman's a scientist.
>IT'S NOT BATMAN!

>>83230912
I can't believe that I didn't get this until it was written out.

>Don't! Be! So! Stubborn!
>We're not talking about a FEW dollars.
>We're talking about a few THOUSAND dollars!

>>83231196
When Skinner uses Bart's telepathy to deliver a moral sermon or something.
Then Homer uses Bart's telepathy to sing the meow-mix song

> I've been working on the railroad!
> Homer, why are you singing that?
> Because it's in the public domain.

That's one of my favorites from zombie Simpsons. I never got to watch golden era because I wasn't born until 92, and then my Moral Guard Dog of a grandmother refused to let me watch it. I'd buy the DVD sets, but eh. Not sure what to watch and what to skip.

Oh no! My boys a box..........MY BOYS A BOX!!!!

DAMN YOU, A BOX!!!!!!!!!!

>I sleep in a racing car, do you?
>I sleep in a big bed with my wife

This vision was brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.

>>83231417
They play classic simpsons all the time on FXX

>hello smithers, you're quite good at turning me on
>uh, you should probably just ignore that

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8imsr2WmEg

I fell on the floor laughing when this originally aired.

Brothers and Sisters are natural enemies.
Like Englishmen and Scots.
Or Welshmen and Scots.
Or the Japanese and Scots.
Or Scots and Other Scots.
Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland.

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>>83231350
How many times do they show Bart using his telepathy? I can think of three, but one was a THoH episode.

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>>83231052
>Who'll provide for me littl' ones?
That's when I burst out laughing.

(Apu is being robbed at gunpoint by Snake as the Simpsons walk in and quickly back out)
(he whispers to Homer, who whispers back)
>Call the police...
>I don't have any change. Whats the cheapest thing you have?
>Small bag of chips. Five dollars.
>Five dollars? What a rip off! Someone should shoot you!

>>83231521
I'm a poorfag who doesn't have cable. My cat's vet bills (when necessary), phone bill (phone poster, btw), rent, and food take up most of my money, and whatever's left over, I usually use on movies/games

>>83231730
>>83231417
Like every streaming site ever has the Simpsons. Just don't be lazy.

>>83231422

Marge, I have some horrible, BONE-CHILLING news!

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>>83229992
One thing that never stopped being done well was weight jokes

>>83231350
>"I know you can hear my thoughts, Bart. if I found out you skipped school, your ass is mine. Yes, that's right; I think words I would never say."

>"I know you can hear MY thoughts, boy. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."

>>83232432
well its funny, he is fat.

>>83232432

Fat jokes are pretty easy to write it seems

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I'll admit I laugh more at the audacity of the writers/animators sneaking this one in than at the joke itself, but hey: a laugh is a laugh.

>It's a pornography store
>I was buying pornography

>LISA LIKES NELSON
>She does not
>MILHOUSE LIKES LISA
>He does not
>JANEY LIKES MILHOUSE
>She does not
>UTER LIKES MILHOUSE
>Nobody likes Milhouse!

The sheer comedic timing, simplicity yet brilliance of this exchange has astounded me for years.

Youre superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!

>Why did I bring the baby and the dog to the poison store?!

>>83233613
similar joke when homer tries to buy illegal fireworks from apu.

>Yeh've got the shinnin'!
>Don't you mean shini-
>SHHH! D'ye want to get sued?

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20 dollars can buy many peanuts

WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERY ATTEMPT AT MASONRY?!

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Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?


No!
>BZZZ!
Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't kill him!
>DING!


Checks out. Okay sir, you're free to go.


Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight!
>BZZZ!
A date.
>BZZZ!
Dinner with friends.
>BZZZ!
Dinner alone.
>BZZZ!
Watching TV alone!
>BZZZ!
Alright! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog!
>BZZZ!
... Sears Catalog.
>DING!
Now would you unhook this already, please!? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
>BZZZ!

>>83231417

Kisscartoon you faggot

>>83234307
Explain how!

I know "Kill the Alligator and Run" isn't a popular episode, but I think it had a few good gems.

>"NO LISTENIN'. You hear me?"
>"Uhh...no?"
>"You just don' learn, do yeh?"

>we got a tip from an anonymous neighborino

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>>83231417

This is my favorite Zombie Simpsons moment.

Can you believe such a well remembered moment is from season 19?

Moore and Bart's exchange is golden too.

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It'll never last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies... like Englishmen and Scots... or Welshmen and Scots... or Japanese and Scots... or Scots and other Scots! Damned Scots! They ruined Scotland!!

>You Scots sure are a contentious bunch

YOU JUST MADE AN ENEMY FOR LIFE!

>>83234406
Money, can be exchanged for goods and services

>>83233659

Their teacher delivering that final line is what made it comedy gold

>>83234508
WOO HOO!

>El baby shower the Gabriela sera interrumpido por terroristas, con resultados sexuales.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1zfWXYuWD0

>>83229992
"Look Smithers, Gaaahbo is coming"

Despite the episode it's from
>And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas.
>Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?

BOMBARDMENT

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I've actually used this bit to mock a particularly cross German I ran into.

>>83234568
Homer's conversations with his brain were the best:

>Homer: Who called all these weird places?!
>Brain: Quiet, it might be you! I can't remember!
>Homer: No, I'm gonna ask Marge!
>Brain: No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins...
>Homer: Aaaah~

>>83231417
Any season before mid-2001 is good.

Dont know the exact lines but its when either Bart or Lisa asked Marge a question

>Well your uncle always had a saying "Shoot them all and let god sort them out". Heheheh....Unfortunately one day he decided to put it to the test. It took 15 federal agents to take him down. Now lets NEVER talk about it again. *Goes back to humming and washing dishes*

Sometimes Marges dry delivery works so well

>>83235036
>Sometimes Marges dry delivery works so well

Well, her delivery nowadays is dryer than ever.

Seriously, her voice sounds like the one she used to use for Marge's mother.

>>83235036
It's the episode where Quimby's nephew is accused of attacking a waiter, and Bart witnesses the event and knows he's innocent.
He asks Marge in a vague hypothetical if he should testify even if he knows the suspect in question isn't a good person.

>>83234880

>Brain: You can't tell them you were at a bar. But what other place is open at night?

>Homer: I was at a pornography store! I was buying pornography!

>Brain: Heheh. I never would have thought of that.

>>83234307
>explain how!
>money can be exchanged for goods and services.
>Wohoo!

I can't laugh at The Simpsons because it's before my time and I've already heard all the jokes in other programs that took them from The Simpsons.

>>83235257
I'd say this is more a problem with you than it is with the show

>>83235353
I never said it was a problem with the show.

>>83234880
>"Ugh you can stay but I'm leaving"
>Homer falls over while Flanders is still talking about cider

>>83235375
my point still stands

>>83235436
You never had a point.

>>83235471
This is correct

>There's a crippled boy in the hospital who wants you to win. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
>I hope they win, or else Mr Burns said he's coming back

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>>83234646
>Gaaahbo
He says Garbo. It's a joke about how old he is. He thinks famous 20s/30s actress Greta Garbo is coming to town.

"Dad! You killed zombie Flanders!"

"He was a zombie?"

Also this scene:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=US4wqH2oMR8

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Favorite Simpsons gag, /co/? Pic related

Buenas noches mein fuhrer

>>83235471
>you never had a point
>factors that have nothing to do with the Simpsons keeps me from enjoying Simpsons
>>83235585
fuck off

https://youtu.be/W2GBloYQ36A

>>83235804
Ach! Ein vagenfone ist ein... "nuisance"-fone!

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>>83230912

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900 DOLLARYDOOS?!
TOBIAS!
DID YOU ACCEPT A 6 HAUR COLLECT CALL FROM THE STATES?

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BARTDOYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED!?!?

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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PGLzm-Gy0dQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

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You cant be the the hulk!
IM THE HULK!!

>>83236151
Ooooooooh, Giiiiiym!

>>83236186

"I really did it once!"

>>83236186
>I really did it once.

>>83236186
>Oh, please. You couldn't even turn into Bill Bixby.

>>83231417
Literally every 90's era Simpsons episode is good. Even a lot of the early-mid 2000's episodes are good too. The show didn't really become Zombie Simpsons until just a few years ago. Even then, there's still decent episodes here and there.

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>>83236357
>>83236367
>>83236444
Yes yes i Just wish you had the power to leave my store.

Almost had it there

>>83233466
I dont get it, every time someone remember this bit, i never get it. Whats the joke? This is the Tomacco episode right?

>>83230291
Pero señor-

>>83236728
It's Sneed's Feeds and Seeds, but it was formally Chuck's. In that case, the name must've been Chuck's.....

>>83236728
Chucks Fucks and Sucks

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>Now, this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly.
>His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees - he's literally stewing in his own juices.

>>83236768
Im a fucking idiot. Please someone kill me for being blind and retarded

"This is the nicest thing anyone ever..."
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! MY CAR!!!"

the delivery's always so perfect that it will never fail to make my smile

>>83236728
so look at the words on that sign. The letters stayed the same at the start of the words, but rhyme with the owner's name

the implication is that it was Chuck's Fuck and Suck

to be fair, it took me a while

>>83236828
That's what makes it so good. Don't even sweat it.

>>83236749
Dije suba

Stay yellow. Stay yellow. I'm making great time! If only I had some place to be.

>>83234369
I'm laughing my ass off here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Ylu0YywoA

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YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!

>>83233926
>Give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas. You know what? Make it two.

>Homer, whatever you're planning for tonight count me out!

>If you despise polite lefthanders, then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders or his creepy little offsrping Rod and Todd
>That's us! Hooray!

Flanders singing along was the best part.

>Let's just say his campaign... Moved me. INTO A BIGGER HOUSE!
>Uh-oh. I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud.

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>>83236728
the store's name is Sneed's Feed and Seed. It sets up a pattern with the recurring -eed. Subconsciously you would expect that the formerly subtitle would also refer to a person whose name ends on -eed. It doesn't though, it was formerly Chuck's. It breaks the pattern, it subverts your expectations, hence punchline, hence laughter.

>>83235804

Can some one explain this one

>Come on Homer, Japan will be fun! You liked Rashomon.
>That's not how I remember it.

>>83239077
Lot of Nazi's fled to South America. Joke is that Hitler went there to and no-one cares who he is.

>>83234880
>Listen brain: I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's get this over with so I can get back to killing you with alcohol
>Deal

>>83236011
Fuck me, I'm australian and I use dollarydoos in regular conversation because of this scene.

THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL BLACKHEART

THAT WASN'T PAAAAAAART

seriously no one has said the scene where Superintendent Chalmers is at dinner with Principal Skinner and he says the fire in the kitchen is the aurora borealis?

"Aurora Borealis? In this part of the world at this time of day completely localized in your kitchen? "
" yes "
"... can I see it?"

"no"

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We call it three stooges syndrome

>>83239424
https://youtu.be/u1h8cHUnP9k

Hi Maude...diddly. I've been having fun with my pal, Homer...diddly. I just wanted to say that when I do die, I don't want any autopsies.

Alright, brain, it's up to you. If you don't come up with a way to win Marge back, we'll lose her forever.

>Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding

Alright, but then we've got to get to work.

>>83233859
>If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad...poison.
>What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
>Poisoned pizza.
>Oh no, I'm not making two stops.

Homer! Is this projection accurate?

>Homer waving at God, in bed
Kind of underlined how they were a 'normal' family, huh. Hell, blue-collar single-earner families like the Simpsons are absolutely a relic from when the show first went on the air

>>83238976
That's a RIGHT triangle you dumbass!

>To the Beemobile!
>You mean your Chevy?
>....yes.

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>>83229992

>>83233613
>Dad rarely laughed at comedy.
>Burst out laughing for a good full minute at that.
>Nine year old me and 7 year old brother kept asking him what pornography was after that.

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90% of The Simpsons is trash but "all of my dreams involve combing my hair" is up there with the 10%

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>Nine hundred dollary doos?

I can't even say this line to myself without cracking up

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Trambopoline!

>>83231417
Watch season's 3-10. If you wanna see some stuff that's not...terrible, but doesn't feel like the Simpsons as we know it, watch the first two seasons.

>I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau.
>Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
>Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

>>83229992
Here's a phone. Call someone who cares
*Lisa dials 911*
Give me that!

https://youtu.be/FZ1mdBYrFBU

>Alright pie, I'm just gonna keep stepping forward like this, and if you get eaten it's your own fault!

>>83235416
FORGIVUNESS PREASE!

>Where's my burrito?! Where's my burrito?!

>>83236011
There's nothing wrong with the bidet is there?!

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>Hello ,mudda.
>Hello fadda.
>Here i am at Camp Granada.

>Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

>>83239473
So what you're saying is...I'm indestructible?

Oh, no. Why even a slight breeze could-

Indestructible

Then ye'll be teachin' Willie!

>>83236819
>"Breaking news, Homer Simpson sleeps in the nude in an oxygen tent that he believes gives him SEXUAL POWERS!"
>"Hey, that's a half-truth!"

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https://vimeo.com/39521951

>>83233572
I never got this scene. Was Euro-Disneyland just unpopular when it first opened?

>>83240734
"I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

>>83240734
>>83240760
They just literally don't write them like this anymore

>>83231605
Remember when Mel Gibson was a movie star?

>>83236906
That one really is perfect. Always makes me laugh.

SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, MY CAR

>>83240792
>"Where's the Any Key?"

>>83235210
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kthOJJT93IY

It's Homer's doofy grin and the matter-of-fact delivery of the line that make it a classic.

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DRAMATIZATION: May not have happened

>>83240562
Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church, Captain what's-his-name?

Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!

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>>83229992
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hf5FRPfGiC8

I've figured out the boy's punishment: First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for 3 months.

I got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good...

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>*cocks gun*
>I said. Hop. In.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=067ZRcsrdeM

>>83231467
Can I borrow you a feeling?

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>Have the Rolling Stones killed
Every fucking time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEIqTBasNrQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rlv-T6mKVH8

>>83240986
God, that stupid chicken-looking dance thing they do at the start there fucking kills me every time.

>>83240461
When I watched this for the first time I didn't even know who Christopher Walken was.

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>>83240755


Yes, Euro Disnelyand was a notorious debacle. On opening day the park was only half-full and attendance just got worse.

French people thought Disneyland was American cultural imperialism and also hated the name (They're French, not Euro's!) Eventually Disney changed the name to reflect it's French location (Disneyland Paris) and attendance has since improved, but it was a notorious debacle for years.

>>83240755
It has always been financially in difficulty. Though it's mostly Artificial. You see, it's a Franchise. It's not owned by Disney itself, but it has to give a share to Disney in exchange of using their IP.

This share is big and almost put Disney Land Paris in deficit every years. Every time it's about to get bankrupt, Disney re-inject money into it, because the share they get from it still result in net profit.

Don't eat pork
not even with a fork
CAN'T TOUCH THIS!

>>83240760
Perfection. This and the 'sending some mail' Lenny & Carl scene. Literal art.