Culinary confession thread

>>9360936
I pretend I hate my cooking so that the people I cook for will tell me how good it is. I know its good I just like to hear it

>>9360941
Are you a 14 year old girl by any chance?

>>9360936
Microwave popcorn recipe:

>dry popcorn kernels between two paper plates
>microwave at 1 minute intervals

>>9360936
i eat my semen. not that bad. not good either.

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I don't wash my hands before preparing food

>>9361030
Same.
I pinch my foreskin together when I climax to avoid spilling any.

>>9360936
I fry my meats in water.

>>9360936
i don't eat meat, and barely cook, yet i post on /ck/

>>9360936
I can cook pretty well, but I can't bake worth a damn. The only stuff I can do is quick breads, and I still fuck those up about 50% of the time.

>>9360941
Every time i cook a mediocre dish and start insulting it to the people i served it to, they think I'm doing this and start complimenting the dish, when actually i don't give a fuck what they think, I'm just embarrassed to serve something that's less than perfect.

>>9361140
As long as you wash after using the bathroom, it's all good

>>9361535
When I cook for people I care about, unless I live with them, I play it safe with stuff I really know how to make. Whenever I get into something totally new its just me and the wife until I can comfortably make it without a recipe in front of me. Right now its curries/tikka masala, its good but I need to get to where I can do it from memory
/'tism

I scrape the mold off food that has been sitting in my fridge for a very long time and eat it.

>>9361603
What do you do with the food after you eat the mold?

>>9360936
I once dropped a cooked wing on the floor, rinsed it off, and threw it back in the deep fryer..

>>9360936
I don't cook.

>>9360936
I only know how to cook two meals

I can't make eggs

>>9361897
Maybe you're a rooster.

I can make the most convoluted stuff the first time every time. I fuck up eggs and grilled cheese all the damn time.

>>9360936
I cook decently but I'm so lazy that I eat chili and rice 40% of the time.

I can't cook anything more complicated than an omelette without a recipe

I reuse my pans four or five times without washing them

>>9360936

If my friends ask if they can help I usually say no unless it's something really basic like cutting potatoes into bite size pieces because my friends are slops who don't give a shit about cooking and if they in any way fuck up my dish I will resent them for it

> asked buddies to cut potatoes yesterday
> still managed to fuck it up by not sticking to a size

When I was 11, I was cooking Kraft mac and cheese for me and my 2 cousins to eat for lunch. One cousin was being a total asshole to his sister and I, so we took turns spitting in his bowl of mac and cheese before serving it to him. He had no idea what we did even though his """"cheese"""" sauce was like 50% spit and snot. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, and also one of the hardest times holding back laughter while watching him eat it.

>>9360936
I started cooking because the few recipes I knew got me laid but sometimes I wanted to hit it for a few weeks and eventually a bitch'll figure you out if you cook the same 2 meals over and over.

Same reason I learned to play the guitar. It's not that sex is hard to come by, but they're rabid when you romance them and I'm not selfish.

#ClosetSaint

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I strain my ramen

i eat raw bratwurst. the stoned german

I tell people I love cooking but I really only cook like twice a week and just eat leftovers for the rest of the week because I'm too lazy.

>>9361535
How do you know they think that?

>>9361443
Is that bad? Not baiting, I actually do that all the time

>>9362384
ramen strains the mountaintops

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I have eaten raw meats of all types for 17 years and have never had a foodborne illness or parasites.

i do like instant ramen ;;

>>9363816
Depending on where you live this isn't exactly uncommon.

I don't use garlic.

I know it's delicious, and I absolutely should use it, but I always forget to buy it.

>>9361603
enjoy your bowel cancer

>>9363701
Because I've had people half-jokingly say I'm fishing for compliments when I do it.

>>9363892
Some meats, sure but I eat supermarket chicken breasts raw occasionally.

>>9360936
I'm French and I barely cook French food. I'm always fiddling with Chinese, Italian and Indian foods.

I don't even know more than 2 or 3 actual French recipes tbqh.

>>9360964
Microwaves are shit for popping corn because the kernels are so much shorter than the microwaves. That's why there's always some unpopped kernels. A lone kernel will never pop in there unless the surface it's sitting on gets very hot.

i can't cook for shit

>>9362720
>if you love something you have to do it all the time

>>9361492
But why?

>>9360936
The only stake I like to eat is well done. I hate all other stakes, and if I even see a speck of pink meat, I send it back

>>9364032
I've left garlic out of recipes before simply because I hate peeling and mincing it.

>>9360936
I own a very good restaurant. Rated #1 in our area on TripAdvisor and Yelp etc. and here I am posting on /ck/. It's a love hate relationship. Some days I'm extremely motivate, today I'd like to burn it to the ground. I wouldn't be upset if a handful of my employees got trapped as it goes down in flames. At this point there are less motivated days than there are arsonist feeling days. We do have really good food that I'm proud of.

>>9362720
I'd cook everyday if I had a motherfucking dishwasher!

>>9364270
Dishwashers are over rated. Unless you have a large family dirtying tons of shit and quickly. I've always found it easier just to clean as I cook and not let shit pile up. On more than one occasion I've found dishes getting moldy in the washer before I even fill it enough to be worth running.

>>9361914
Underrated post

>>9364103
keep it that way
make the world a better place

>>9360936
i want to own a pub

>>9364280
You do not comprehend the dimension of loathing I harbor for cleaning dishes.

We once did this minor catering thing years ago that had duck and pork...somethings. They were pastries stuffed with meat that all looked identical. I had one person on the line tell me- "these are the duck, these are the pork" and then another person tell me the opposite. So people come by asking for duck or pork because they can't/don't want to eat pork. To this day, I have no idea which is which- and neither did they.

They didn't complain or notice.

"Oh I don't like pork."
(eats it anyway)

>>9363816
Jack?

I boil most of my water in the microwave.

>>9364404
dumb seppo

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I'm not gay but I taste my own semen everyday.

It's became a habit.

I work at a local pizza place. They guy who makes the dough is really hairy. Sometimes I find his arm hair infused in the dough. I just pick it off and use it anyways

>>9360953
Hey now, needy shittyness knows no age or gender.

>>9364162
cus i eat lots of eggs and have tried wonderful things in the past that need announcing, from mexico and japan

>>9362274
>well that dish was alright except for x
>yea anon next time we should really change x and do it differently
I put you in charge of x, that was your one fucking job and now you're trying to share ownership? This shit pisses me off to no end and I do my best to be supportive but they just don't give a duck about cooking and they're just trying to hang out. That's fine, we can hang out without you besmirching my dish as well, pull up a chair.

>Joined a culinary programme at a local uni
>Can't cook, cut, nor do anything culinary-wise
>I can manage a team however so that's something

Examples
Midterm practicals, team leader puts me in charge of making Spaghetti Bolognese. Pasta was still raw, ragu was underseasoned, and during service when I was trying to reheat the ragu, I burnt it.

I take my own time to cut anything. A usual julienne potato for my classmates would tske around a minute/potato. I'd spend 3+minutes trying to remember how to cut julienne.

You're so autistic, you're going to add up the numbers to see if they make 100.

>>9362002
Are you me?
>>Burn rice every time

I once raped a melon.

>>9361535
They probably are just trying to calm down your autism attack over 'cooking' ramen noodles and mcchickens.

My primary cooking mediums are
>ceramic pan on the stove
>non-stick griddle
>aluminum foil in the oven

Then there's the microwave. I make oats, canned peas&green beans, rice, "baked" potato, and broccoli in there.

I can only make myself a meal if I'm using a frying pan and saucepan, and I can only make meals consisting of some form of meat and bell peppers paired with some form of carb a la pasta, noodles or rice.

>>9360936
I cannot make a smooth cheddar sauce.

No matter how many tries i've made, no matter what cheeses I blended it with. It's always come out as grainy. The closest i've come is to have the grains so small I was the only one who bothered noticing, but I still noticed, and it's just not good enough.

One time I left a plastic measuring cup on a stovetop at high heat. Didn't realize until my apartment was filling up with black smoke. It's a miracle I didn't set off the fire alarm.

>>9368663
You need to use an unaged cheddar, very young.
The graininess you're getting is from lactate crystals that form as cheese ages.

>>9368680
>An unaged cheddar.
Didn't think about that, i thought i could get away with blending.Thanks anon, I'll have to keep a look out for that next time I'm shopping.

>>9368700
Glad to have helped.
Right, back to shitposting and calling out retards.

>>9364167
When you buy garlic, peel it all at once and keep the cloves in a sealed container in your fridge. Saves so much time and mess.

>>9361140
t. every food industry worker ever

One time I dropped a tender on the ground, the order needed to go out, I picked it up, threw it back in the frier for like a minute and sent it out

I'm too chicken shit to quit my job and join a restaurant. I know I'm a great cook, but not sure if I want to get into the industry, I know I'd be good and would do well in that career, but I haven't made the step forward.

Even going part time somewhere. It'd be easy to do since I work early morning shifts 0430-1300.

I fucking hate washing dishes.

I still do it, of course, but it's so fucking annoying.

>>9360964
put it in a brown paper bag instead

I eat four cloves of garlic before going to sleep. I eat a head of garlic in a day. My sweat smells like garlic, my shit smells like garlic, and my hair smells like garlic. My main garlic meal is six large cloves, fushimi chilli, a whole Scotch bonnet pepper, all freshly sliced, with a can of oysters, a can of sardines, and three eggs. I add a dash of vinegar and salt to the meal, as well as a tbsp of honey to cut the heat. I'm pretty sure this amount of garlic alters my mood somehow, I feel more confident.

I'm dating a vegan. I told him I was cutting back on the amount of meat I'm eating, but I still eat meat at lunch like 3 times a week.

>>9370150
You're going to Hell for your dishonesty, JFYI.

>>9370150
Tell him nothing, consume nourishing flesh and become stronger

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>>9370150
I bet he wouldn't appreciate you pressuring him to eat meat, so why do you put up with him pressuring you not to? If he's that much of a megalomaniac, who tells you how to eat, then drop his ass and do what you want without guilt. Or stay with him and do what you want, who is anyone to tell you what to eat?

>>9370126
do you by any chance live in new jersey

>>9361443
>>9363727
wait what

>>9370178
Oh, he's never asked me to stop eating meat. I just told him I was cutting down because I thought it would make him happy -- he's like WAY out of my league but apparently loves me, but makes me paranoid that he'll come to his senses one day and leave me lol

>>9361443
I didn't even see this till the other anon posted, and I concur, what the fuck?

>>9361256
>climax

What deprecated phrasing

>>9361443
I do it with ice cubes

>>9362274
Same here anon, you're not alone.

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>>9361140
If you work in food service, go fuck yourself.

I mostly invent my own recipes but 90 percent of them are shit, I don't think I've learned a thing about how cooking actually works

>>9370192
Why do you think he's "out of your league"? If a person loves you and you love them back, that's what matters. Not this league bullshit. I'd advise taking a good introspective look at yourself and those around you to try and figure out where this insecurity comes from. Identifying the problem is the first step to solving it.

I cook and eat super healthy food all the time. It's summer now and I have a lot of kale in the garden which I eat like 3+ times a week. I try to avoid sugars, don't really snack.

But I'm still very overweight because I binge eat cause of depression. I just go for seconds and thirds until I feel all bloated and shitty...

>>9360936
I use a prepackaged white gravy mix to make sos.

>>9364404
there is nothing wrong with this

>>9360936
am professional chef. RARELY wash hands during a 12 hr shift.

>>9371321
Absolutely disgusting

>>9364290
They make counter top dishwashers that hook up to your faucet. And they are only like, 250 bucks USD.

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I take brown sugar bacon from the Arby's I work at, next door to a Krispy Kreme. I mush it with a half a dozen donuts and just eat the whole fucking thing in my car.

>>9361443
So you boil the meat?

>>9360936
I once turned on the hot plate with a glass baking dish on top, and when I realized what I did I picked it up with a tea towel and it exploded over the whole kitchen

>>9370077
Do it anon. Worst case scenario is you suck at it and go back to only working at your regular job.

>>9361637
He waits for more to grow, duh

>>9361443
I fry my pasta in water. Sometimes I fry potatoes in water as well. It's good.

>>9371056
No anon that'll make his hands even worse

>>9371542
>fry
>water
Retard.

I love cooking, I am quite a good cook, I have a highly equipped kitchen, and yet I never ever cook with onions. I fucking hate onions. They make me instantly gag if they are not overcooked. When I need to (over)cook onions for whatever reason, I will ask someone to chop it and take care of it for me until it's enough cooked for me to be bearable. That's how much of a faggot I am when it comes to deal with onions.

My dad is a French chef but I am also an extreme picky eater. Although now I am much better, there are still many things I will refuse to eat because I know they will make me gag: raw fish (traveling in Japan was hard mode for me), salmon, onions, raw tomato (most sandwiches are fucked), cucumber (the smell makes me gag), pickles, pepperbells (I like cooking meat with them but I always toss them out when I serve the meat), not chopped/squeezed garlic.

>>9360936
I love autismcooking. Every time I repeat something I time everything down to 30 second intervals and I make notes on the temperatures of everything. I keep a fucking diary on the performance differences of all my kitchenware.
But my absolute favorite dish is oats in lukewarm water with a dab of butter.

>>9371321
you mean professional dishwasher?

>>9371573
Water fried for your enjoyment

>>9360936
I wash my steaks before I cook em

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>>9370126
I wonder who could be behind this post...

I want to cook, but I dont know how, and Im too lazy to do it.

>>9372009
Just boil water. You can boil everything. Pasta, vegetables, meat. And it's healthy too. Boiled chicken with mustard and rice on the side makes you feel surprisingly clean.

>>9372009
call your mom and ask her to teach you how to cook

>>9372023
Yeah but most "boiled" foods taste fucking nasty.

If you want your food not to suck you need to get some color on there. Color=malliard reaction=tastes good.

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I cook with cheese for other people, but I don't eat it when I'm by myself.

>>9372052
That's what the mustard is for dumbass

>>9372193
Ah yes. You can always tell the I-cant-cooks because they always talk about "what to add to the food to make it taste better" instead of just not fucking up the technique in the first place.

>>9360936
i brake spaghetti in half so i can use a smaller pot when i am alone


i would never admit that in real life

>>9372209
The "technique" is called healthy food but go ahead and eat all that cholesterol and sodium if you want to die in ten years

>>9372216
I didn't say anything about adding cholesterol or sodium, anon. You were the one suggesting condiments to be added, not I.

Also, I'm not worried about my cholesterol intake because:
1) dietary cholesterol has no impact on the cholesterol in your body. The cholesterol in your body is made by your liver. Choelsterol in food gets passed as waste. The two have nothing to do with each other.
2) I've had my bloodwork done and I have no problems with blood pressure or cholesterol.
3) I do not have any medical condition that requires me to be "low sodium".

>>9372210
but you don't need to break them to use a smaller pot...

>>9371665
Jesus, I want to euthanize you right now.

>>9372230
yeah i could wait an slowly push them in but i am also a lazy motherfucker and don'T want to stand these extra 30-45 seconds next to the stove

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I have had to look up the correct time and temperature to make grilled cheese at least 3 separate times. I'd have to look it up again if I was to make some now.

I recently learned how easy it is to deep fry chicken wings on the stovetop.

I'm 28.

>>9372445
Why would you need either the time or temperature?

Can't you simply watch the sandwich until it looks golden brown?

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>>9372613
How can I tell if it's golden brown if it's face down cooking?

>>9373027
Lift a corner with your spatula every once in a while and check it.

>>9370185
>>9370199
Keeps it from burning. Just a splash of water.
>>9371371
I guess.
>>9370150
What's wrong with that? You said cut down, not stop.

>>9373059
>Keeps it from burning.
So does not being a retard with the temperature setting.

Water in the pan is silly because it fucks up the malliard reaction by lowering the temperature. Browning = malliard reaction = flavor. You're not going to be able to do that successfully with water in the pan.

If you were doing something that you didn't want to brown then you'd have far tastier results using stock or wine rather than flavorless water.

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>>9373054
But if I keep lifting it, it won't cook.

>>9373115
jesus how long does it take you to cook a grilled cheese sandwich, its a fucking process that takes 5 maybe 6 minutes, are you cooking it over a fucking candle?

>>9370126
this should be fucking illegal

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>>9373115
>>9373027
>>9372445

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>mfw I never activate my almonds

>>9364267
Nice!
I'm 43 and own a pretty well regarded fine wine shop in a major city. I was a sommelier for years. Still scroll through ck all the time and watch the worst of YouTube cooking shows.
Drunk Cook FTW

>>9364032
>>9364167
>>9368738
You can buy pre peeled garlic as well, it's still alright. Pre minced garlic is not worth it though.

>>9362274
Fuck, this sounds so much like my girlfriend it's not even funny

>hey babe can you dice these tomatoes
>have to show her how to hold the knife so as to not smash the tomato
>do a few slices in one direction to demonstrate the right size for dice
>proceeds to make millimeter-wide incisions
>tomato guts sliding all over cutting board
>about two seconds away from losing a fingertip or three
>h-here let me just finish it

I swear every time we end up in the same kitchen my blood pressure permanently rises, she never goddamn learns

>>9361443
HI Aleksey

>>9368738
What on Earth are you doing to your garlic that peeling it is time consuming and messy?

You just bend the clove around a little and the paper slides right off. If there a bit stuck on the bottom just slice the bottom off and it'll come off with it.

>>9371106
Fair point, and better advice than most I've seen on this site. I guess I say he's out of my league because he's much skinnier than me, and is independently wealthy. But we have a lot in common, and similar work backgrounds, and shared interests. Plus the sex is great.