help

What did you do!

what did you do

>>9359826
>>9359825

An illegal thing.

Criminal scum like you deserve to eat shit

>>9359834

don't judge me. I just want to impress my new homeboys in prison.

Did you touch a small child inappropriately?

>>9359828
Well you don't go to prison for "a few years" without being convicted of a felony so clearly you fucked up didn't you

>>9359848
only a little
>>9359846
wtf no.

A bullet

>>9359850
Class B?

>>9359819
IB4 fudge recipes

vc - hammers

>>9359848
He probably forced his little sister to do lewd things the sick fuck.

>>9359861
I don't even have siblings you fuck.

I'm not a sexual predator. I got caught in a sting operation when I bought some LSD off a midget. Because you know, midgets can't be cops.

Turns out they can.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=8sv4nb5VbAY

Just follow chef lemundo

>>9359877

Thanks man

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Learn to make this

>>9359869
That's loads worse than the kid diddling story. I would have made up something way better than this drivel.
>>>/trash/

>>9359882

You're just pissed I didn't tell a kid diddling story to you.

Do you even get to cook your own food in prison? I assumed you either get the slop they serve you or if you get to work in the kitchen then you prepare the slop they let you prepare while hoping you don't get shanked.

>>9359890
You can, but you have to get creative. place i'm going aint high security. so i guess it's fine.

>>9359819
>>9359819
https://www.amazon.com/Commissary-Kitchen-Infamous-Prison-Cookbook/dp/0997146230

>>9359819
/ourgirl/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_wxstD3uuw&list=PLkUFQm9t2lDVIvPpqI8VX8FEIjS1hXMkS

>>9359869
You might be an idiot but I wouldn't say you deserve prison. I am sorry for telling you to eat shit. You're free to do whatever stupid things to your body that you want to, fuck the government.

>>9359903
Damn right fuck the government. I just wanna trip balls in my own home where I'm not hurting anybody.
>>9359898
>>9359896
Thanks!

>>9359819
I recommend you try the cock meat sandwich with extra mayo

Heard from an ex-con that he never felt full in prison. The meals are just never enough.

I'd hoard any extra snacks (honeybuns, cookies chips, ramen, etc) for a month, then eat the entire pile at once. Just to keep sanity.

>>9359880
Not American, that's clearly some snack bar in Mexico or South America

>>9359869
>go with money you earned yourself to buy something for self enjoyment that is less dangerous than vodka
>go to prison
Wth

>>9359869
Why does this seem like the plot of an 80s buddy cop movie.

>Undercover midget cop with tall, muscly handsome partner

>has the freedom to post on an image board
>hasn't left the country
this is b8

>>9359869
I hope you see the humor in your situation as much as I do

>>9360233
land of the free and home of the brave

>>9359903
off yourself libertarian goon faggot
>>9359909
OD on meth pathetic druggie faggot

>>9360374
Land of the home, free of the brave.

>>9360207
It's Mexico. South americans find those Doritos "too spicy"

Bumping to post some prison recipes in a bit

>>9360394
I don't even do meth you asshole sniffing apeazoid.

>>9360760
Consider starting you filthy kid fucking pervert.

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>>9359819
>>9359915

>mfw nobody has posted mayo pizza yet

>>9359819
Have a family that cares enough about you to keep depositing money for canteen snacks.
>example
http://www.dc.state.fl.us/oth/inmates/menus/MaleMenu1.pdf

>>9359819
looks like my poo poo

Depending on the state you'll most likely have to get additional calories from the canteen. In my state they only serve meals that total 1500 calories/day whether you're busting ass on the chain gang all day or laying around your cell. That's only enough calories for an inactive manlet. Don't ask me how they get away with it because it should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment to feed starvation level rations.

ramen burrito because you have to buy the cup to cook it normally.
open the bag from one side, remove seasoning packet, add water to ramen package and put in microwave. what you end up with is a brick of mostly cooked noodles. add seasoning and doritos.

>>9359819
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ebqyw5vsLw
check this, found it quite interesting actually
they have a few more videos where they cook all types of shit

>>9359869
Next time buy some 1p-lsd, Eth-lad or Al-lad if you want to trip like that. They're not a schedule I or II substance so the analogue act doesn't matter and they should still be legal by the time you get out.

damn, I remember watching a video where a blonde qt made some prision spreads
I thought "shit, she must be made queen of /ck/" but then I went to play some eroges and I forgot to post the video here

Incoming

>>9359869
Why would you buy a limited slip differential from a midget on the street?

>entrapment
do americans really do this?

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The place I stayed at had no microwaves, stoves, kettles, or anything to heat up food. Hot food is a staple of comfy and here's how we did it. I'll post some recipes from my time in the clink after.
First thing you need is a stinger. A stinger is used to boil water.
Find a loose electrical outlet, preferably one that isn't working. Pull out some Romex or ground wire. It's go to be thick and non braided. Get two lengths of wire about 10-12 inches long each and remove the plastic sheathing, leaving 1-2 inches exposed at either end. Bend the top parts into an L shape, those are your plugs that go into a live outlet. The bottom parts are used to heat the water.
Tie these two portions together using whatever you have, I used some plastic stick wrappers from deodorant bottles and some paper.
See attached image

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>>9361763
So you have your stinger made. Now get a large cup, I used to use a large Fluff cup. Fill about 1.5 inches up with water. Water by itself is not great for passing a current through, so add some salt. Salt was not available so we would use a seasoning packet from ramen. So you got about 1.5 inches of salt water at the bottom.
Find a live outlet and put both ends of the stinger into the out, do not let the ends touch or you will blow a breaker and the COs will come take you to seg.
Carefully place both ends of the stinger into the water. This will immediately start heating the water, you will hear the distinct sound of it sizzling and popping. Don't put your fucking hands in there.
See related image

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>>9361778
So your food cannot go into this container by itself. It will taste like shit. You need to find a trash bag, a clean new one, and put your food in that.
Make a smaller bag to wrap up your food and seal it tight in the smaller bag you made. This goes into the container sitting partly in the boiling water. While it's cooking you need to constantly move this around and be mindful not to touch the live wires cuz that will hurt pretty bad.
See related image

>>9361789
Here's a recipe for "moofungo". I'm not sure how to spell it.

4-5 ramen noodles, seasoning set aside
1 bag of chips, The Whole Shabang seasoning
(Note, you can only get "The Whole Shabang" flavor inside, I've never once seen them outside)
1 dried sausage/pepperoni
1 packet fish/tuna/sardines
Squeeze cheese
Hot sauce

Those are the basics, plus whatever else you or your buddies stole from the kitchen/cafeteria. You can add whatever.

Cover a card table with garbage bag plastic, because you're not an animal.
Empty bag of chips on card table
Put 4-5 ramen bricks into bag and crush them.
Boil 1 cup or so of water with your stinger and add to bag, mix and seal tightly, set to rest under a few pillows to keep heat in. About 10-20 minutes.
Chop up your sausage, whatever you're adding into small pieces.
Crush your chips. Reserve half.
When ramen is done, it should be like pasta and not watery. Thick ish? No water left. Add half your chips, your meats, a few dabs of cheese and whatever you have saved. Mix in bag.
Place bag back into stinger and heat again.
Let rest.
When all thoroughly heated, remove from bag, plate in bowls and plastic spoons.
Garnish with remaining crushed chips, hot sauce and squeeze cheese.

This is pretty basic. You can do fancy shit like making rolls and slicing it, but this should get you a network of friends. This dish typically serves 3-4 people and everyone throws some ingredients into the pot.

Pair with black instant coffee and push-ups.

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>>9361921
>black instant coffee
patricians choice (couldnt find a pic of the giant foil bags)

tossed salad.
You'll need to know when you go to prison.

>>9362025
Wow I haven't seen Keefe coffee in forever. Bringing back some memories

>>9362025
I used to store my tobacco and whatnot inside my coffee. No CO ever checked.

>>9360394
Look how straight edge this faggot is.

>>9362156
He's LARPING as a Jeff Session's cuck.

>>9360789
Jeez, I was going to say, plan ahead for like $5/day, but that'd be like $3650 for 2 years locked up. $3/day would be like $2190. If you know you're going away for 2-3 years, maybe try to put away $2500-3000, and/or plan on getting a prison job ASAP.

>>9359819
>jailhouse recipe

Here, I'll summarize every jailhouse recipe:

1. Buy a whole bunch of junk food.
2. Put it all in a plastic bag with some hot water.
3. Mix it up.
4. Wa la!

>>9361921
How'd you boil water with your stinger? Did you boil water+ramen seasoning and put that straight into the bag? Or did you put a cup of water in a separate bag, put THAT bag in the container with the stinger, and boil it that way?

What did you chop up your sausage with?

This is intriguing.

>>9362396
I put the water in a bag or a smaller cup that was inside the larger boiler.
We used our laminated ID badges to slice sausage, or you could get fancy and take an empty deodorant container, wash it, cut it open and bend it flat and sharpen it.

I could tell you how to light a cigarette with a AA battery and a staple if you like. I've got tons of McGuyver type prison tricks. Just ask.

>>9362411
I'd love to hear the AA battery/staple trick!

How do you learn these things? Does it just become common knowledge after you've been inside for long enough?

>>9362422
I ended up showing a lot of people some stuff. The stinger thing was common knowledge where I was. I was only in county jail, not prison, for 9 months then I was released. A lot of it just comes from necessity and needing things. You could say I've always been a crafty sort of handy man, I'm great at improvising and fixing things using novel materials, so being in jail just sort of put that to the test. Everyone had a hustle, mind was rigging up things and repairing electronics.

Anyhow. You take a AA battery, on the negative side, you peel off the wrapper to expose the metal underneath and take a bent staple and connect the peeled metal underneath with the negative on the bottom. They staple will turn red hot and you push your rollie into that to light it. You need to be quick otherwise your finger will burn. Your finger will burn regardless of how quick you are tbqh.

>>9359869
lol, sounds too good to be true.

>>9359869
so they convict you and sentence you to jail and let you go free and tell you to come back at x date to start your jial term?

>>9362151
They checked in ours but only if it was already opened. It could be sealed with a lighter and skill to make it not melty. We still had legal tobacco when I was down, but we certainly used it for whatnot.
We had microwaves though, I couldn't imagine trying to break bread from commissary without one - county jail style I guess. We also had "180" which was a sink tap that dispensed 180°F water.

>>9362448
Thanks man, that's really cool. Crazy how inventive people can become to overcome their limitations in there.

>>9362470
Legal tobacco would have been a game changer. I was hanging out from 2012 to 2013 and no tobacco. I stated above I was just in county for 9 months, but apparently up the way they have kettles and microwaves.

>>9362502
>Legal tobacco would have been a game changer.
It was taken for granted, really. It was dirt cheap too because there was no taxes imposed. 98 cents for bugler or kite and prerolled were like 175 this was 2006ish

>>9362510
Jail wasn't that bad *knock on wood*
I never got into a fight, had tons of fun people to hang out with all day. We actually made our own dice and played DnD. Lots of card games, cooking, exercise, smoked pot about twice a week, got drunk a bunch, had a few rollie cigarettes each day, tons of time to read and play chess. I ended up getting in great shape. It really wasn't bad.

>>9362549
I mostly missed pussy and good food. Prison is better than jail though by far.

>>9362557
oh and i missed being outside at night too :) yard is only open in the daytime.

>>9362557
Agreed. I was in a dorm so masturbating was not really an option.
When I got out my first meal was at my parents house. It was a turkey, ham and swiss on white toasted bread. Heavy mayo, lettuce tomato with a side of Lay's plain chips and a kosher dill pickle.

It was the best meal I ever had.

>>9362568
I used to stay up late and read. I craved the mornings and late nights because it was the only time it was quiet. 150 man dorm.

>>9362570
>masturbating was not really an option.
haha you lose that inhibition after a while. just put the wool blanket over yoy and use a light touch

>>9362594
I did do that lol...light touch

>>9362605
yeah you don't want to wake bunkie up because he doesn't get money on his books and he'll beg you for a debbie or a coffee

>>9362622
Not from the US of A? You used some terms that are foreign to me, particularly when you referenced tobacco.

>>9362721
bugler and kite? they are popular US loose tobacco brands..

>>9362733
I smoke Newports lol..Never heard of those. When I reference rollies I meant a cig broken down into smaller ones.

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>>9362911
gotcha. see attached.
these were the preferred purchase in the joint because you get more for less. prerolleds packs were mostly just used in poker bets or to carry lots of money small across the yard.

you can also make a stinger running two paperclips through a pink eraser

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>>9359869
I really hate drugs. I do them but I hate them and this story has convinced me to give them up. Thanks for something OP.

>>9362911
nigger

>>9362991
I never once heard of loose tobacco and papers being in prison. Then again I went a lot later than you. I actually left jail and didn't smoke for almost a year. Once I got situated into a nice job I started drinking/smoking again and wish I never did.

>>9359869
Not to question your judgment, but a midget offered you LSD and you didn't think something was up?

>>9360239
10/10 would watch

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>>9359869
This is the funniest thing I've read in a very, very long time.

>>9359869
wew lad

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>>9359903
>he thinks LSD is harmful to your body

>>9363138
That's not how it usually works? I'm gonna have to have a talk with my acid-midget.

>>9363112
yeah dude even jails used to give loose tobacco with the standard indigent free shit. that mint toothpaste shit, a bob barker comb and toothbrush, and a soap.

>>9363138
Akshuly, a cop can't offer drugs. It's explicitly against the law for a cop to talk someone into a crime like that.

>>9363189
your brain is a part of your body though, inb4
>dude acid isn't harmful to ur brain lmao
I know enough people that have taken way too much acid to know it can change your brain in ways that definitely can't always be described as positive

Ramen, but cook it in hot milk.

>>9363300
just because some people do it far too often (and people that do that usually do a wide spectrum of drugs anyway) doesn't mean that it's harmful when it isn't eaten like candy every other day

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>>9359869
You got me laughin', but I just don't believe this happened.

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They know they wouldn't be talking that bologna in the bullpen
So disgusting, pardon self as I discuss this
They talk a wealth of shit and they ain't never seen the justice
Bust this, like a cold milk from out the toilet
Two batteries some Brillo and some foil, he'a boil it

>>9359869
Everyone new here, this is true board culture

>>9361726
(((((AGGRESSIVELY GIVES AWFUL ADVICE)))))

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>>9360239
Baby Legs from Rick and Morty

>>9363591
Stop

>>9362467
Why not? That's how it's done in Germany, too. What are you gonna do? Leave your family, your house, your property and spend the next fifteen years begging and sleeping under a bridge in a foreign country ... which most likely has an extradition agreement with the US anyway?

>>9359869
the fact you posted this and people think its funny is so reddit

fuck this place and what it has become

everything on this board except for the actual disgusting meals you faggots create is a LARP

enjoy your boiled salmon filets faggots

>>9363425
? They're just analogues of acid.

>>9359819
Oyster dressing.
A pint of oysters-boiled
Half a loaf of stale French bread, cube it and soak it in chicken broth
Celery half an onion green onions sautéed
Half lb of ground beef and Jimmy dean's hot pork sausage.
3-6 eggs. Mix it up after individually cooked and bake for like 30 minutes

I have done a lot of time and never really made meals, not into that stuff.

If you need extra food, try and get scripts before you enter, they will still be valid inside and depending where you are they will continue prescribing inside.

sleeping pills *ambien/trazadone* are very wanted
pain pills/benzos

trade up for any food.

1 coffee packet is worth 2 juice and a milk where I am and I don't eat bread during the day so trade that off.

get good at poker and brown butter is a valuable resource
black people love peanut butter, more fruit/juice

start to make liqour.

that is how you master jail life. or be a fag and suck off niggers either or

>>9365187
all this locked up inside?

what country club did you stay in?

>>9362385
/thread

>>9363591
Reddit and Memey

>>9363972
reddit is super kewl doe xD

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>>9359869
wew lad

>>9362467
it works like this

>you get arrested for some shit and thrown in jail
>in no more than 36 hours you get put in front of a judge who tells you what you're charged with and usually sets bail
>you or your family pay jews 10% of your bail and you're allowed to go home
>if you try to run they send bounty hunters after you
>once your hearing is over and you get convicted you have to go back to jail/prison