Cooking feels

>rub garlic fingers on stainless steel
>they don't smell like garlic anymore

great thread

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>chop and de-seed peppers
>go to pee
>mfw
WHY OH WHY DIDNT I WEAR GLOVES

>>9058565
can confirm this shit will fuck you up

>>9058550
My ex hated that. We had crude jokes about it.

>>9058714
What were the jokes? Tell us one

>>9058565
>rub pee on stainless steel
>gloves don't chop peppers anymore

>>9058714
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the stainless steel so it could rub its fingers on it and get rid of the garlic smell.

>>9058558
This doesn't actually work.

>>9058550
>use gas oven at grandmas
>making her a beef tenderloin
>no thermometer
>go by feel
>its rare
>popop only likes medium and maybe medium rare
>grandma likes medium rare
i felt bad, ruined a pain in the ass dinner

good thing garlic smells good

>>9058814
What;s the difference between garlic and onions?
If you rub your hands on stainless steel after handling garlic it won't smell like garlic anymore

>>9058558
>>9058890
Not sure on garlic but a lot of salt while rinsing your hands works for fish, deer, and hog guts.

>>9058550
Get one of those stainless steel "soap" bars. It really does help.

>>9058901
if it's rare put it back in?

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>>9058550
>Mom's recently out of the hospital
>She's fine but kind of weak, gets tired out really quickly
>"Anon, I hate to bug you but could you handle dinner tonight"
>Ok sure what do you want
>"Surprise me. You're a good cook."
>Ok
>Decide to make soup
>Mom's hovering in kitchen
>"I smell garlic, is there garlic in that?"
>Yes there's garlic in the soup
>"Ugh, I hate garlic, why'd you have to put it in there, anon? You KNOW that I can't stand garlic."
>Getting ready to put in some carrots
>"Don't put too many in, I don't like carrots that much."
>I already cut up all these carrots what do you want me to do
>She ends up saying that she doesn't want soup, orders Chinese and vomits her guts out since her stomach can't handle it

At least the soup was good.

>>9058565
Did that once, literally had to dip my dick in a glass of milk.

Buy nylon gloves you cheap shit.

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>>9059019
Oh christ this was my grandmother to a fucking T. She would always complain that she never gets home cooked food but we'd cook for her DAILY and it always had too many vegetables or "why did you bread the chicken you know I like it battered and deep fried" or "why didn't you fry the fish with the bacon grease I've been saving" and would always go get fast food instead, mostly KFC. When we got Subway her sandwich would always be breaded chicken, bacon, extra cheese, bbq sauce, and a ton of mayo. Diabetes got her at fucking 46. To this day I can't touch cheese or fried food or mayo or anything greasy because I'm afraid to end up like her.

>>9058943
i had a pan sauce going while it was resting

>live alone with no gf
>every fucking recipe is for people
>cook it anyways
>eat 1.5 servings because the recipe understated what a "serving" was
>not enough left over to save
>too much left over to just casually throw away

>>9059098
There's either enough leftover to save or not, don't be retarded.

>>9059098
Eat one serving and save the rest, fatty.

>>9059098
Or just fucking fraction out the recipe for one person, christ. I.E. if it makes three servings and you need a cup of something use 1/3rd cup. Ya fag.

>>9059112
>recipe uses something like "one egg"
>just fraction it out :^)

>>9059098
>not enough left over to save
Save it anyways and eat it as a snack retard

>>9059019
>surprise me

Worst two words to hear

Fucking stainless steel bar shills.
Any weak kitchen acid will work wonders, OP. Rub your hands a teaspoon of tomato sauce, vinegar, or lemon juice then rinse them off.
>>9059122
Bad gift giver detected

>>9059115
Any recipe that calls for a single egg should not be meant to feed more than two people. If it does you don't fucking need the egg, just use oil or some banana or something.

>>9059076
Your grandmother died at 46?? What the fuck?

>>9059128
Alright buddy tomorrow when I cut onions for a sandwich I'm going to intentionally get that shit all over my hands, then use lemon juice.
I swear to fucking god if there's even a hint of onion on my hands after that I'm coming back here and calling you a faggot.

>>9059248
That's what happens when you start chainsmoking at 12, eat nothing but cheese and bacon, and have seven kids before you hit 25 and two more before 30.

And that's just the ones that survived her smoking through pregnancy. My aunts and uncles might as well be inbreds they're so retarded.

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>>9058550
Not really a cooking feel but
>Hey anon should I get the x or the y
>Y sounds pretty good
>Eeh, I'm gonna go for x

>>9059308
Me mum used to do something like that all the time.

>"anon, what should I get?"
>suggest a couple tasty looking items on the menu
>"oh I'll just get (bland boring bullshit)"
>"oh no, this isn't very good..."

Took her a couple decades, but she learned to trust my decisions on food.

>>9058930
K
E
K

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>>9058882

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>prepping utensils I need and basic mise en place because I'm a forgetful piece of shit
>everything going ok
>halfway through I remember crucial ingredient was left out

>at grocery store
>expect my 11 year old to buy candy as usual
>she meets me at the check out with brownie mix and ingredients
>cooks it on her own only needs help around the hot oven
>proud/sad she's growing up and wants to be a cook like daddy

>>9059262
You go right ahead, pal. You can melt a whole garlic bulb into your jackoff lotion, my method is effective and I don't mess around with scents. I just worked through ten pounds of potato pancakes and I'm not a man who skimps on the onions.
Bleached the countertop right afterwards, washing my hands with vinegar got rid of both the offensive onion and bleach smells.

>>9059441
That's really adorable, anon.

>>9058550
I love the smell. It's so aromatic, like ballsweat.

>>9058550
Try scrubbing them with a slice of lemon.

>>9058550
>chop chilli peppers
>touch vagina without washing hands properly

Never again.

>>9060088
genital regions are best avoided for the rest of a day involving chilli peppers

>>9059877
What's the smell?
>Oh yeah, I was disinfecting the bathroom with bleach earlier.
Oh, nice.

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>>9058901
>be a chef
>see this post
>question why the meat wasn't sliced, whacked on a tray and put back in to achieve literally any temperature

>>9058565

>wash hands
>the steam from the warm water hits your lungs
>accidentally pepper spray yourself with habanero fumes

>>9060125
>Open dried chilli bag
>take a big huff every time
ooh it hurts so good

>>9059076
you get the beetus from eating too much sugar and not exercising, not fatty foods.

my mom had it and forced me into a no salt no sugar diet, im extremely grateful for it now.

>>9059285
>cheese and bacon
>diabetes-inducing

"no"

>>9060177
>no salt

bad idea

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>Go get a salmon from the store, ask the guy behind the counter if he can fillet it for me.
>What can only be described as an ISIS video as his shaky as fuck hands butcher the fish I see before me.
>He notices the knife is dull because he is cutting all of the bones so he grabs a steel and slings the blade at it as chunks of fish fly off the blade.
>When he removes the skin half of the meat is on the skin.
>This took him five minutes to do in total.

>>9058565
I have never touched my dick while pissing. I rest my tiny cock and balls on the elastic of my tighty whities

>>9059365
>prep up a sauce for service
>tastes fine, whatever
>train ride home
>oh I forgot to put in 'x'
>just spent 8 hours serving incorrect food

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>>9058550
>cooking curry
>add milk
>combination of spices and lactose makes me brap for the entire day

>>9060255
coconut milk works better.

>>9060112
>be a chef
thats unfortunate

>>9059055
>dip my dick in a glass of milk.
You were going to do that anyway, weren't you?
be honest.

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>>9058550
>work your ass off in the kitchen cooking an amazing feast that everyone loves
>too tired out by the end of it to fully enjoy it yourself
>heat up leftovers the next day
>you feel comfier but it doesn't taste the same

>>9059233
This is stupid advice it was disgusting.
made half an omlette replacing the egg with oil and banana.

>>9060188
>cutting the bones
>salmon
>removing the skin
>salmon

go to a better store that know how to handle their product.

>>9059365
Garlic, every fucking time.

>chop chili
>touch eyes
>touch dick
>don't whine like a little girl

>>9060193
Doesn't the pressure from the pee make your dick rise and make you piss all over the toilet lid?

>>9058831
Underrated

>>9058550
Try hygienic soap with 1% alcohol works wonders.

>>9060177
People die from salt deficiency. Sugar = carbs the bad ones.

>>9059055
Wonderful thing to take out of context

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>tfw you take nachos out of the oven
>tfw you see the cheese bubbling and the smell is amazing
>tfw you spoon some salsa on and take a bite

Fuggg, I need to buy a bag of corn chips and a jar of salsa today.

>>9060354
such is the life of the food bitch

I know that feel, my hands currently reek of cilantro and I can only wash about 90% of it off

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>>9058882
holy shit how unfunny can one person be?

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>>9058930
is this even a joke? where's the humour? what is funny about this

>OP image deleted
Who's the triggered fag janitor?

>>9060685
>>9060691
kys

>>9060088
>queensnake

>>9060704
I laughed at your reference