Living in a student dorm sucks. Let me put this bluntly. What's

>>8714478
Start leaving poisoned food around. Either it makes them sick and they stop stealing your food, or they die and they stop stealing your food.

>>8714478

1) lock up your food in your room
2) buy only weird oddball foods that other people won't want; of course that only works if your palate is broader than that of the moochers
3) spike your food with something disgusting or crazy spicy to teach the moochers a lesson.

The latter method also works for laundry detergent. I got tired of people swiping my detergent even though my name was clearly marked on the box. So I replaced it with granulated chlorine used to treat swimming pools. Two days later I found a bunch of ruined clothes in the trash can and nobody ever touched my detergent again.

hide dry goods and snacks in your room
only store fresh vegetables in the communal fridge
eat meat the same day you buy it

If someone doesn't have enough self-control to refrain from stealing then they probably don't eat many veggies

>>8714484

Oh, I forgot one:

Don't buy anything that's ready made or just "heat and eat". Buy basic ingredients for cooking from scratch. Lazy moochers won't know what to do with that.

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>>8714478
Take cheap foods or stuff that you don't want and add potent psychoactives
Label stuff not for human consumption
Buy a fridge yourself

>>8714480

Storytime

> got thefted all the time in high school
> went on trip to new orleans just before end of high school
> step into a now-destroyed voodoo hot sauce shop (was pre katrina)
> get the smallest, priciest bottle
> last day of school, no one has bookbags, just bring a bag lunch with a sandwich
> layer the damn thing with hot sauce, walk out, wait for 20 minutes
> come back in and six assholes are red faced and dying, I feel good, walk away

Got mad respect for that

>>8714484
>3) spike your food with something disgusting or crazy spicy to teach the moochers a lesson.

Taking suggestions on something to spike with. Preferably something subtle that won't be noticed immediately at first bite.

>>8714632
Some super spicy hot sauce is probably the best thing since if this were to turn into some big stink you could always claim you like spicy food, and after all, hot sauce is meant for human consumption so you couldn't be accused of "poisoning" someone.

>>that won't be noticed immediately at first bite.

Personally I think it *should* be noticed at first bite. If it doesn't take effect for a long time then the moocher might not even connect it with the food they swiped from you which would render the whole exercise pointless.

Other ideas: fuckloads of salt (or any other spice, really). Strong tasting foods that are generally considered to be gross by the average person: fermented fish paste, vegemite, etc. Cat shit. Soap powder. Sand. If you're feeling really evil: fishhooks.

>>8714632
wasabi doesn't have a noticeable smell so try that

Spray all of your food with the stuff they put on Nintendo cartridges.

>>8714478
Eat things that people don't want but that you like. One of my favorite cold cuts is head cheese and one of my favorite candies is black licorice so nobody ever takes my food. You could also try buying simple ingredients that can't be eaten in their current form, the kind of person who steals food in a dorm probably doesn't know what to do with anything but a box with ingredients on the back.

>>8714768

Nothing was deliberatley put on nintendo cartridges. If you stuck one in your mouth as a kid and you thought it tasted bad then it was probably the mold-release agent used to prevent the plastic from sticking in the metal mold when they were made in the factory.

>>8714809
He's talking about the bittering agent they spray on the Switch cartridges so kids don't eat them, you stupid faggot. Nobody is swallowing a SNES cartridge.

>>8714795
*box with instructions on the back

>>8714484
Back in my military days a couple of dudes kept bottles of spray scented softener for clothes for their uniforms, as well as a very well stocked coffee supplies cabinet. Upon discovering a rat they topped up the softener with piss and the coffee with dried semen. Worked like a charm

>>8714809
Switch cards have denatonium benzoate on them.

>>8714820

Sorry, I don't have any kids so I'm not up to date on the latest nintendo shit.

>>8714831
I don't either, and I haven't bought a Nintendo system since the Wii came out over a decade ago. I'm just not an out-of-touch retards who spouts off about shit when he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

>>8714839
retard*

>>8714839
hey wow that's unnecessarily hostile dude

>>8714862
Eat shit and die, muchacho.

Don't be a passive aggressive faggot. Find out who it is and fight them over it. People with think your a psycho and wont touch your stuff ever again

>>8714876
I agree put on a big fucking display; you will be black listed socially but fuck the people you live with freshman year anyway.

>>8714876
This cockmongler is covert as fuck, snatching foodstuff in the middle of the night. Also, too many people live here and have access to our kitchen for me to hazard a guess.

Denatonium.

>>8715303
is it thermostable?

>>8715379
I don't know, faggot. Are you?

>>8714632
Really, really, really spicy hot sauce;
Loads and loads of salt;
Cod liver oil - this is going to fuck someone's tastebuds up if they get a heaping bite of it, but it smells strongly as well;
laxatives. This is only funny if you let people know later that you made the food with laxatives to catch the food thief. They'll probably be deterred from thieving food again after that kind of embarrassment.

I think honestly the best idea is to get yourself a mini-fridge for your room and buy a fridge door lock.
https://www.amazon.com/Marinelock-MLDOORW-Refrigerator-Door-Lock/dp/B000QD32MY

It's not the cheapest option, but it is fool-proof and it might save you that cost in food over the years you're in college.

Food laced with laxatives, then put on a witch hunt after someone's suffering those effects.

You don't have to become the social outcast - make the thief into one. Get a few friends to collaborate.

What is the most appetizing, stealable food to lace with laxatives?

>>8714632
Don't.
Anything gross enough to deter the food thief will probably count as a form of assault.

The university here forces dorm students to buy into a meal plan. It's outrageously expensive and from what I hear the food is crap. I honestly don't understand why they don't share an apartment off-campus, there are lots of rentals near the school and it's a hell of a lot cheaper with more freedom.

>>8715760
Why are people not arrested for wearing perfumes I'm allergic to?
Why are people not arrested for using fish and legumes in food?
Why would this count as assault when literal poisoning in this fashion is not dealt with by the law at all?

Basically it's legal to spray axe pheonix body spray in public and send people to the hospital, or eat peanuts in public but not to offend someone that's stealing from you?

I do wish there were some laws coveting this shit, but honestly dude, you' get no more than laughs in court regardless of your seizure, injury, pain, distress, hospitalization, hives or anaphylactic shock.

In essence, it's 100% legal to harm, hurt or injure people with food and hygeine products, and maybe 1 in 100,000 cases is even allowed in court because of severe malintent.

>>8715803
If you don't give the food to the person and they snatch it off you it shouldn't be considered poisoning.

Lace that shit with massive amounts of laxative and if someone talks smack just say you needed the medication for yourself and it was not intended for anybody else. Flawless defense. Write your name on a sticker on the box if you feel that it's necessary.

>>8715827
As stated you can literally kill and maim people with food and beauty products and never get in trouble for it.

>>8715782
My college forced you to stay in the dorm for the first year and forced you to buy a meal plan if you were staying in the dorms.

The food they served us was criminally shitty. I knew people who had gone to prison and said that the food was better there than in the school cafeteria.

Aramark and the people who run it can all eat shit.

>>8715803
In a more perfect world, you'd make sense. If it's any consolation to you, perfume is illegal in Nova Scotia in public buildings, workplaces, etc. They handled that shit there. I guess the French wore them down with their parfum de asthma?

Anyway, it is illegal to poison or tamper with someone's food. It's like how it's illegal to booby trap inside your house, even though the burglar broke in. There are ways to explain it legally that it would make moral sense where the justice doesn't fit the crime, but I'm not going to bother.

OP should indeed get a room fridge so he can have cold things at his whim. Go ahead and get a chain to lock down one of the cabinets, if you think it would be a deterrant, but don't expect to make sense of why someone would respect a stranger or not steal. People in college go to huge effort to be cheap in ways that affect everyone, from no more free refills in restaurants surrounding campuses, to toilet paper dispensers that are locked down with one sheet at a time systems that infuriate the masses. I worked in a medical school campus where not a single person on my floor made under $70k, including chinese lab techs. Thieves there too, like some asshole would drink a 2qt container of half and half obviously intended for someone's coffee a splash at a time, and not unwanted. Wrap up half your sandwich sub to have as your 2nd day lunch leftovers? Nope, it'll be missed. Truly just some people don't give a shit. Poisoning? Not worth it. Eventually you'll just buy things you can keep locked up in your room. Get a trunk or filing cabinet, padlock it. Buy delicious premium instant coffee, not something that requires the fridge. Snacks? It's all convenience food, like granola bars and soup, you dump and reheat, and enjoy with crackers. You should own something like a filing cabinet already, to toss a laptop or other loose valuables.

>>8715835
Aramark actually does have prison contracts.

>>8715859
I am seriously considering going to nova Scotia now. The ether is literally giving people seizures here now.

But I'm really not lying, you will never successfully get a food or perfume injury lawsuit into court in the US.

>>8714478
learn to thrive on confrontation. It's an important life skill to keep people from walking all over you. You will use it in business, dealing with utility and credit companies, and you will learn to look people in the eye when you deal with them. Theft of your property is not acceptable. Don't leave passive aggressive notes or change your eating habits like a bitch. Just stand up for yourself.

>>8715907
You make a good point but meatheads like those who are confrontational when not offended deserve to be jailed.

>>8714478
Do you like spicy food? Does your roommate?

>>8715922
How do you know they're "meatheads" or confrontational if they're stealing food at night? Could just be some beta fat fuck too poor to buy anything besodes McChickens.

Don't be a pussy. You aren't going to get shot for calling them out, and if they fight you it's their ass on the line.

roommate are niggers and want things immediately ready, so stop buying chips and jerky and sugary shit.

>>8715907

This, and remember the person who is most out of control is the most in control.

>>8714478
secretly poison some of your food

>>8714502
so it was a literal sandwhich theft gang? all 6 guys shared the one sandwhich? were they high-fiving eachother about the massive haul? what the hell was going on.

>>8716099
>Eating my footlong italian sub, extra mayo
>I hear people yelling in the distance
>It subsides, but before I continue eating my sandwich I'm interrupted by the faint sound of snapping
>It grows louder with more snaps in sync with each other
>I can see a bunch if greasers approaching, moving step by step, slowly
>They all do a spin 20 feet away from me
>I can see a logo on the back of their leather jackets. It has a flaming baguette and a jar of dijon mustard
>Bold red letters spell out "THE SANDWICH GANG"
>Oh shit
>All six of them stop just a few paces in front of me
>The leader steps out
>He's got on shades and a pompadour
>"Ayy, you gonna share that wit' us?"
>Scared as hell
>Grab the half I haven't taken a bite from and offer it to him
>He snatches it and snaps while walking backwards into the group
>They all snap and back away slowly

>>8714478
Immediate and severe violence.

>>8717381
you were lucky they spared your other half.

Never lived in a student dorm but I'd do the same I do with the dogs that shit in my yard. I make meatballs with broken razors in them or load them up with tons of anti depressiva, the later kills them really slowly and is pretty hard to trace in a dog for some reason.

>>8717392
Classic Paul Lazzaro

>>8715886
Doesn't surprise me, they held the contract at the local hospital too.

Threaten to go full Rog

>>8714480
>>8714632
Gold/jewelry cleaner or other product filled with arsenic. That stuff is filled with things to make you throw up so you don't kill yourself, so they'll be safe.

>>8715886
So does Sodexo. Serves dorm food and owns dozens of prisons.

>>8715922
This there's no point risking getting kicked out of college trying to prove to Jamal that you're a big man.

>>8717381
Reddit, the post.

>>8714737
>If you're feeling really evil: fishhooks.

That is evil.

>>8715835
>My college forced you to stay in the dorm for the first year

How is that even legal? Are there any exemptions? I was 21 when I started university and already had my own apartment where I had been living for a couple of years. If the school had told me I had to move into a dorm I would have told them to go fuck themselves and I would have fought the policy.

>>8715106
Stay up all night/camcorder with night vision setting

Or put some dead yeast (byproduct of making fermented beverages) in there and it'll make their stomachs turn like a bitch

>>8714632
Cayenne pepper

>>8717698
4chan: the savior.
Blessed be thy name, spare us from reddit o oldfag god.

>>8714632

You know that bitterant they put in compressed air to stop people from huffing? Use that.

It has no smell or color either. If you turn a can of compressed air upside down and spray it it comes out as liquid co2 (?) that is saturated with bitterant. One bite and they will feel as if they have eaten a million stink bugs.

Goes without saying, but wear gloves. That shit will cling to your skin.

>>8716099
It was their last big job before they retired.

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>>8717802
Doesn't work if your roommate is this guy.

>>8717778
>Are there any exemptions?

You had to have family in the area or had to have been living in the area for a year or so by the time you started school.

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>>8714478
Get a kawaii mini fridge for your room

>>8714478
>Someone at work kept stealing my lunch.
>Not just me, they scalped off anyone.
>Had an idea.
>A devilish idea.
>Next day had a container of chili in a container in my bag.
>Well, a thin layer, covering the dog shit.
>Hear managers on the PA calling for help in the break room.
>Oh Shit.png.
>Sneak my way yo the break room and can smell fresh death from 40 yards, customers are gagging and being escorted away.
>He microwaved the nuke and the smell stayed in there for a week.
>After his firing.

>>8718605
Tune in next week for "Stories that Never Happened!"

Your ass would have been the one on the chopping block. And yes, I do have a license to mix metaphors like that.

>>8718743
>Your ass would have been the one on the chopping block

Sure, they called forensics to help identify the poopetrator (hehe)

>>8715760
No.

>>8718169
underrated post

>>8714632
Avocado or sprouts.

>>8714478
>cold cut sandwich with raw chicken skin

Minifridge and store everything you dont want stolen in your bedroom. You will be known as a huge autist but you will have food.
Or you can just do the obvious and fuck with things you think will get stolen, add a flavor that wont go well, hot sauce, shit ton of salt, nothing harmful, just shit to deter people from taking that chance. Or you could stop being a beta all together and just tell them to not touch your food, like an adult.

>>8714478
start eating animal organs

>>8715859
>someone's food
But not you're own that they're stealing from you retard.

>>8714502
How many of them were black?

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>>8714632
Order some fentanyl from the darkweb, put in solution and leave a few drops on something.

>>8715662
Brownies or cookies.

http://howtorevenge.com/articles/exlax-laxative-prank-revenge/

I found this googling "laxative brownies" and there are probably lots of other things you could do as well.

>>8717698
I liked that post

>>8717778
Its not forced really. Its just that you get no financial aid because of the risk factors and to deter drug dealing students.

grate a whole nutmeg and put it in a single cookie, slice or cake or basically anything in a single serving dessert and leave it there with a do not eat sign

When the food thief is in a coma you can proceed to berate them

>>8715832
>>8715827
>>8715803
>>8715760
>>8714632
>>8714484
At least in the U.S., boobytrapping food is definitely illegal. Something spicy might not count, but putting razor blades or some shit like that in your food will get you sued real quick if it gets eaten.

>>8719512
>Living in a student dorm sucks.
Really? I went from high school virgin to getting my dick wet with 15 girls.

Then again, I wasn't living vicariously online.