The Kooler Man

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>Be me
>10 years old
>Walking home from school one day
>"Forget homework, I wanna watch tv"
>Turn on to watch Shark Tank
>See some dumb product for baby clothes or shit
>Suddenly, he appears
>Pic related; this massive, sweaty, sexy behemoth comes on and tries to get the sharks to invest in his cooler
>I fall in love
>Be in a traditional Christian family, so I know these feelings are bad
>I turn off the tv
>Everywhere I look, I see his bulging muscles and gorgeously shining head
>Forget it. Love is love
>Call up his company
>"Hi, I'd like twenty Koolers please"
>"Thank you for calling. I'm prepared to give you an EXTREMELY good deal with that shipment."
>Holy shit, it's the Kooler Man
>"I-I'll take it" I whisper
>"I know you'll take my deal, anon"
>He starts to talk seductively to me, and I immediately regret everything
>I cannot fall under his Kooler spell
>I hang up
>Have to see therapy for 7 years before I can ever look another man in the eyes again without remembering that moment

I got mind-raped by the Kooler Man.