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So b. Why tell me your best joke.

This is a red board which means that it's strictly for adults (Not Safe For Work content only). If you see any illegal content, please report it.
The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 153
Thread images: 19

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So b. Why tell me your best joke.
>>
Good question, and I don't have a good answer for you.
So I won't.
>>
>>744702690
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
>>
>>744702690
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
>>
>>744702690
Women's rights.
>>
Two gay men walk into a bar.
One says to the other "Here, let me push your stool in.".
>>
>>744703194
I'm going to use that at Sunday dinner this week - they'll love it.
>>
Why did humpty dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
So he could see her crack
>>
>>744702690
The 19th Amendment
>>
>>744702690
A priest and a Rabbi pass an 8-year-old boy on the street. The priest says, “hey, let’s fuck him!” And the rabbi responds, “out of what?”
>>
>>744704436
KEK
>>
A boy came up and asked his dad:
>Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?
His dad replied:
>go and ask you mother if she would fuck Tom Brady for a million dollars and them tell me her answer
>son goes and asks his mother.
Mom:
>don't you dare tell your father a thing, but I would.
>it would get us out of debt and we could afford to send you kids to college.
Son goes back and tells his dad the answer. He nods and says:
>now go ask your older sister if she would fuck Tom Brady for a million dollars?
>son asks older sister
>Of course.
>I could take that money, buy my own place, a car and I could get away from Dad-he's such a fucking shitlord!
Son goes back and tells his dad.
Dad nods.
>now go ask your older brother if he'd sleep with Tom Brady for a million dollars
>son asks older brother
Brother:
>Are you kidding? Do you know how much that is? For a million dollars I'd open up my ass, suck his cock and do anything he wanted!
Son goes back and tells his dad.
He nods again, and says
>See son, this is the difference between theory and reality:
>In theory, we're sitting on three million dollars.
>All we have to do is call up Tom Brady and we're rich.
>In reality, we're living with two whores and a faggot.
>>
Spell app
>>
How does sonic the hedgehog stay in shape?
By fasting.
>>
What's the best thing about pedophilia?
How big your dick is in their hands.
>>
Why do scuba divers fall backwards to land in the water
cause if they went forwards they'd land in the boat
>>
Why do black people smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too.
>>
>>744703125
Top kek
>>
What's the difference between a baby and jelly? Jelly doesn't cry when you spread it.
>>
Said to my girl, I'd like a little pussy.
She said, so would I. Mines huge.
>>
A blind man walks into a store with a seeing eye dog. He takes the dog by the tail, and starts to spin it in circles. One of the store clerks comes up to him and says, "May I help you with
something?" And the bind person says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."
>>
>>744704801
That’s just fucking sick
>>
>>744704728
Top kek. Saved.
>>
>>744702690
Niggers
>>
What's the difference between rape and necrophilia?

About five minutes.
>>
>>744704900
pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
>>
>>744702690
Guy is in terrible car wreck.
Wakes up in hospital.
Doctor tells him the couldn't save his dick.
Good news, they have a plastic surgeon that transplants dicks.
Bad news insurance doesn't cover it.
6 inch dick is $5000, 9 inch is $10,000.
Talk it over with your wife and let me know in the morning.
Next day doctor ask what they decided.
Guy says "we are getting granite counter tops"
>>
>>744702690
A deer walks out of a gay bar and says i cant believe i blew 20 bucks in there
>>
>>744707285
goddamnit I lost
>>
>>744704728
my fucking sides
>>
A man was tired of his wife and wanted out of his marriage, but didn't want to divorce her because she was loaded and had an ironclad prenup. So he decides to hire a hitman.
After a week of asking around, he finds someone she thinks he can trust.
>calls him up on a burner phone and arranges a meeting at a coffee shop
>stocky middle aged man
>"call me Artie"
>okay Artie, I want you to kill my wife
>"why should I kill her?"
>he tells her the litany of her crimes
>"Se sounds like a real cunt. Tell you what-I'll kill her for free."
>Oh no you don't. I know how this works.
>For all I know you'll drop a dime on me right after we leave from this meeting.
>I'll go to jail for attempted murder and get nothing, and meanwhile you're a hero who saved a damsel in distress and probably gets a fat reward.
>If I go down, you're going down with me!
>"Alright, tell you what-give me $5."
>"Now if I go to the cops they've got me on murder-for-hire charges too. Happy?"
>he is satisfied
>"One last thing: if you're with her when I am there to kill her, I'm killing you too."
>"I don't leave witnesses, understand?"
>he agrees, gives him her address and tells him he will be away from him on thursday evening
Thursday evening arrives
>wife comes home from work
>Artie is waiting inside
>lunges at wife
>she gets away
>runs to nearby supermarket
>Artie is in hot pursuit
>runs inside
>makes it to bathroom door when Artie grabs her
>Strangles her
>cashier hears the struggle
>sees Artie, shrieks
>Artie grabs her, throws her to the ground and strangles her
>manager heard the screaming, calls cops, starts trying to save cashier
>Artie overpowers manager and strangles him as well
>by this time cops have arrived
>arrest Artie
>during questioning the whole story comes out
Newspaper headline the next day:
>SHOPPERS IN SHOCK
>ARTIE CHOKES 3 FOR $5 AT LOCAL MARKET
>>
A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a house, and a 10 year old boy answers. He’s got a glass of scotch in one hand, a cigar in his mouth, and a rolled up Hustler under his arm. The salesman asks, “Little boy, are your parents home?” The boy says, “what the fuck do you think?”
>>
>>744708030
I won so hard. Got first place. ur fuckin terrible
>>
Two old Jewish women are at a bar. One asks the other, “Ruthie, how’s your sex life?” She says, “Well, when I was younger, my asshole was the size of a dime. Now, it’s the size of a quarter.” Her friend says, “What are you bitching about 15 cents for?”
>>
My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a motel.
>>
What’s the difference between pussy and mashed potatoes? Mashed potatoes don’t make their own gravy.
>>
>>744702690
A christian, a muslim and a jew walk into a bar

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE"
>>
What’s the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your family you’re gay.
>>
Want to hear a pizza joke? No, it's too cheesy.
>>
What do climbing Mt Everest and getting a blow job from Whoopie Goldberg have in common? In both cases, you don't want to look down.
>>
>>744704436
underated.

saving this one in meat memory
>>
>>744707134
Wat
>>
A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".
>>
>>744704728
Saved in meat memory. Thx anon. a gem
>>
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizza doesn't scream when you push it in the oven.
>>
how does a nigress tell if she's pregnant?

pull the tampon out and see if the cotton is gone
>>
What’s the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster shucker? One of them shucks between fits.
>>
>>744708721
You're not married are you?
>>
What do you call a bear with no teeth?


A gummy bear.
>>
Why do they make aspirin white?

Because you want them to work.
>>
>>744709279
Nope.
>>
An American, a Frenchman and a Polack were stranded on a desert island when they saw a bottle with a cork in it and opened it up.
Out pops a Genie
>thank you for freeing me from my prison,
>As a token of my gratitude, I will grant each of you one wish.

American:
>I wish to be back at home, safe and secure with my family.
The genie nods and he vanishes.

Frenchman:
>I wish to be back in Nice with my wife
Another nod from the Genie and he is gone.

Polack:
>Wow. It's really lonely out here now.
>I wish I could see my friends again.
>>
>>744709409
That's why
>>
>>744709279
i dont get it either. oh well
>>
>>744702690
Did you hear about the 2 gay guys down the block? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
>>
>>744709450
giggled
>>
>>744709661
One day you will, and it will sadden the fuck out of you.
>>
>>744709790
So it's not a funny joke, roger that.
>>
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>>744702690
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”
good joke
everybody laugh
roll on snare drum
>>
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>>744702690
What's big, pink and drags on the bottom of the ocean? Moby's dick.
>>
What does a 90-year old woman taste like?

Depends.
>>
How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Suck its cock.
>>
Theres this guy at his apartment and he smoking weed for his therapy session.
his neighbors dispize him and call the cops after smelling a batch cause he refuses to share.
As the police appear and smell this outside his door, they bang on the door.
>BANG!BANG! "Open up, it's the police." Calmly he goes to the door, douses his light and puts his magic bag of weed into his back pocket.
Opening the door, the officer demands to search the place, as he goes, he find his magic bag of weed and says.
>"AH HA! Caught you red handed"
the officer snickers.
His neighbors boil with laughter inside thinking he will go to jail until the man speak.
>"Ahem, I have a reason for this."
With the officer rolling his eyes to hear the story he lets him proceed.
>"You see officer this is is a magic bag of weed, I can't keep it off me because every time I flush it down the toilet, it jumps right back out again and into my back pocket."
Frowning the officer is laughing with an argument back and forth on finding this whole story ridiculous.
>"Fine I'll prove it to you!"
The man shouts.
The officer gives him the bag confidently and watches him empty it into the toilet were he flushes it down the toilet. When nothing appears the officer goes.
>"Well?"
Smirking the man goes
>"Well what?"
With the neighbors mouths gaped opened the officer becomes annoyed.
"Where the hells the drugs at?"
The man smirks again.
"Walk the dinosaur"
>>
The other day I was eating my grandma’s pussy and I said, “hey, this tastes like horse cum!” And then I remembered how she died.
>>
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?

Sparky.
>>
Why don’t black people dream?

The last one who had one got shot.
>>
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>>744708030
i'm a go 'head an label this NOT WORTH THE READ
>>
Why did the leper hockey game get cancelled? There was a face off in the corner
>>
>>744709450
LOL
>>
>>744704728
Not even what a theory is...
>>
>>744711042
Why did the leper pitcher get benched?
He threw his arm out.
>>
A baby seal walks into a club.
>>
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how does a German guy get a jewish girls number lifts up her sleeve
>>
>>744711627
How do you pick up a Jewish girl in Germany?

With a dustpan.
>>
>>744702690
My life
>>
A mouse walks into a bar
Bartender says
>we don't serve mice here
Mouse says
>In that case, I'll have a beer.
>>
I can't read a girl like a book, but I do like to thumb the pages every so often.
>>
>>744702995
Quality control at a mirror factory is a job I could see myself doing.
>>
>>744709790
I get it anon. I get it
>>
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>>744702690
>>
What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.
>>
Two peanuts were walking through the park at night. One of them was a salted.
>>
>>744711982
I think I may hate you for that.
>>
What's worse than a dump truck full of dead babies?
>one that eats its way out
What's worse than that?
>it goes back for seconds.
>>
How do you get a hippie girl pregnant?

Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
>>
>911, what's your emergency?
>We were out deer hunting! My friend's collapsed! I think he might be dead!
>Calm down, sir. I'm here to help. I'll talk you through what to do. First we need to confirm that he actually is dead.
*bang*
>Okay, now what?
>>
>>744711042
>>744711395
Did you hear about the leper who went to see a prostitute?
He left her a tip.

>>744711792
A grasshopper goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer?
>>
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
>>
there were 3 fatty pigs walking around the city when thet see a gym offert
>Lose 10 kilos in 1 hour
so one of them decide to get in and ask to the person in charge what kind of exercises he has to do.
>you see that door at the end of the hall, get in there.
the pig goes through the door and see an incredible girl in the room, she is a perfect 10/10 and she was naked.
>If you manage to catch me you can fuck me.
the pig run as fast as he can in order to catch her, he run and run and run until finally catch her and fuck her.
when he leaves he realize he lost 10 kilos, he tell the other pig about this and another one want to do the same.
He leads to the gym and ask if there is a way to lose even more kilos.
>go to the 2nd floor and get in the last door.
the pig walks to there and open the door.
He see a godlike woman she can perfectly be the most beautiful woman in the entire world.
>If you manage to catch me you can fuck me.
the pig run like hell behind her, he almost turns on fire but can catch her an fuck her.
when he leaves the gym he notice how he lost 25 kilos, so run to tell it to the last pig.
He run to the gym and say to the person in charge that he wanted to lose 50 kilos.
>Go to the last floor and opern the door.
he run and in less than 2 minutes he is in front of the door, he open it and enter to the room.
inmidiatly behind him the door close and lock and he looks to the other side of the room, he scary realize a black man of almost 2 meters completly naked with an 10 inches dick.
>If i catch you I fuck you.
>>
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>>744712500
>>
>>744704900
What's the worst thing?
Trying to get blood out of your clown suit
>>
>>744705302
Underrated.
Though not as bad as the time I told the hot genie I wanted a little head
>>
>>744708030
no.
>>
We had to call the vet out to the farm last night. Thought Bessie had caught Mad Cow Disease. Turns out it was just Irritable Cow Syndrome.
>>
>>744707134
I don't get it either
>>
>>744708196
a classic, thank you, good sir.
>>
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>>744708196

wtf is this shit, you suck loser
>>
>>744712238
It's a lame joke, but using Hitler made it awesome.
>>744712304
What does an elephant use for a tampon? A sheep with a rope tied around its neck.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I've never paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

How can you quadruple the number of seats in a gay bar?
Turn the stools over!

What do you do if you see an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

I tried watching the eclipse through a colander. I think I strained my eyes.
>>
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>>744712647
im keking so hard at this one
>>
>>744709917
a definite save.
>>
>>744708946
Implying blacks are pro active about picking cotton
>>
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>>744712647
i kek
i save
>>
>>744709790
>>744709279
>>744707134
I'm married and I don't get it. Is the joke just that she isn't willing to spend the money on the dick because countertops are priority? If so it's a shit joke
>>
>>744712663
Fucking meme regurgitator. Go die.
>>
>>744712647

it's okay but old and you ruined it with your autism language

>>744713069
>>744713324

samefag

>>744713440

i think it's b/c granite is shit and cheap so it implies they went all out on the dick size and had no money left for proper counter-tops
>>
>>744712930
Fuck you, I used to be a salesman, and I find this hilarious.
>>
>>744702690
I'm gonna burn in hell for this, but here it goes.

Why were the virgin islands renamed just "the islands"? Because they just got Fucked.
>>
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>>744704728
Good shit anon
>>
>>744709855
Or you're just retarded.
>>
>>744713440
No, the joke is not to blame. You have a shit sense of humor.
>>
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>>744702690
>knock knock
who's there
>It's the police ma'am your son was hit by an alcohol
>>
Bus full of nuns crashes, no survivors. A the nuns are lined up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter, standing next to a guilded vat of water says,

"Welcome sisters, you've all led good, pious lives. But, we know we all have our slip ups. So, if you've ever known the touch of a man, step on up to the holy water and cleanse the area, and you're free to enter."

Sister Angus steps up and walks right through the gates. Sister Emily wishes her hands, and enters the gates. Sister Marie cleans her hands, and reaches down her dress...

All the sudden, Sister Ellen comes running up from the back of the line.

"Sister Ellen, what's the rush? There's plenty of time for everyone." Saint Peter says.

"Fuck that," says Sister Ellen. "I'm washing my mouth out before Jean and Amy stick their asses in there."
>>
>>744708444
kek
>>
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pt 1
Three guys out antiquing together find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
>>
>>744714062
what did Stephen Hawking say to the prostitute? My illness prevents me from achieving erection.
>>
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>>744714432

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
>>
>>744702902
?
>>
>>744705302

-predator
>>
>>744711982
I used to work in an aluminum recycling factory but I quit because it was soda pressing
>>
>>744705302
not bad, but i feel like this could benefit from rephrasing
>>
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What's the difference between Harry Potter and Jewish People?

Harry Potter escaped the chamber.
>>
>>744702690
A guy is fucking his girlfriend in the ass and she says, "Ow. It hurts!" and he responds, "No it doesn't. It feels good!"
>>
>>744703125
I zozzled.
>>
>>744712988
Lost at the garbanzo.

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme!

What's the difference between pea soup and fried steak? Anyone can fry a steak!
>>
>>744702690
Q: what's the difference between minstrel blood and sand?
A: you can't gargle sand.
>>
>>744704903
Actually very clever!
>>
>>744714062
Omfg I forgot about the "an alcohol"
>>
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A little boy knocked on my door the other day and said: "Give me some Candy or i'll tell my dad that you touched my Peepee!"
Well, i had no candy at all and he would have told his dad anyways...
>>
>>744715835
>minstrel blood
You need to look that up real quick.
>>
An old man and his wife were about to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary
Man:
>I have had the best wife in the whole world! Through my whole life, good or bad, rich or poor, you have stood by my side and never strayed!
Wife bursts into tears.
>what's the matter, dear?
>"You're a wonderful man, and the best husband I could ever hope to have,"
>"but I have to confess, here and now, that I have cheated on you three times!"
The old man is stunned, but curious
>What were they?
>"Remember when we had just gotten out of college and you were trying to get into Medical school, but the admissions clerk said you didn't have the grades to get in, but the next day he changed his mind?"
>"That was the first time. I slept with the admissions clerk on the condition that he let you in."
The old man is stunned.
>getting into that school changed my life.
>because of that, I was able to have a better life than I could ever hope for growing up.
>For that, I forgive you. You truly do love me.
>What was the second time?
>"Remember when your kidneys started failing, you were getting sicker and sicker, and the doctor said there was nothing that could be done?"
>"And then the next day out of the blue the doctor said he had found a perfect match and you got the transplant?"
>That was the second time?
>"Yes. I slept with the doctor on the condition that he put you at the front of the line."
>That transplant gave me 30 more years with you and the chance to see our children grow up and have our grandchildren. O forgive you, dear. You are the best wife a man could hope for.
They kiss and embrace.
>What was the third time?
>"Remember when you wanted to become president of the fishing club but were 12 votes short?"
>>
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house.

Knock knock..

Who's there?

The chicken.
>>
>>744714078
LOST!
>>
>>744715492
I quit my job as a drill press operator because it was always boring.
>>
>>744708030
Ignore the other replies. I thought it was funny.
>>
>>744713440
It's that your needs as a man no matter how important will never come before even the most shallow materialistic wants of your wife. I'm not even fucking married nor ever have been and I get this. If you have any experience with women and\or married people besides your parents that live upstairs, you will get this. It's pretty fucking simple to get for anyone who's not a virgin introvert autistic. That being said, it's a pretty lame joke.
>>
German Knock-Knock joke:
Knock knock
>>Who's there?
VE ASK ZE KVESTIONS!!


Knock knock
>>Who's there?
Doorbell repairman...Don't you dare fucking say it!
>>
File: 184099.jpg (100KB, 675x673px) Image search: [Google]
184099.jpg
100KB, 675x673px
How many niggers do you meed fo.... wait who the fuck needs niggers!?
>>
File: 184079.jpg (101KB, 735x614px) Image search: [Google]
184079.jpg
101KB, 735x614px
knock knock

>who's there?

the police open the door!

>we don't buy balls

WE DON'T HAVE BALLS!
>>
>>744705302
>>744715591
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRxusGgwVt0
>>
>>744714528
Where's part 3?
>>
A man buys a new house with his family. After about a week or so the man decides to go and meet his neighbor. After a nice short greeting the man asks his neighbor what he does for a living. The neighbor says that he works at the college in town and that he is a professor of logic. The man asks "what the hell is that?" in which the professor responds "oh well it's a little hard to explain but I'll give an example. Let me ask a question, >"do you own a dog house?" >The man says "yes" >"well that means you have a dog?" "yes" >"and if you have a dog i assume you have a family" "yes" >"and since you have a family ill guess that you are a heterosexual man?" >"well damn thats pretty smart, from finding out that i had a dog house you could tell that i was heterosexual"
The guy and the professor say their goodbyes and then later the guy goes to the bus stop and talks about his discovery with a stranger >"well why dont you try asking me something to see what you can figure out?" asks the stranger >"hmm, lets see.. do you own a dog house?" "no" >"you must be one of those fags"
>>
>>744702690
Did ya hear about the shepherd who went missing?
He's on the lamb

I guess the Titanic was a humanitarian ship. IT says here that the whole voyage was a fund raiser for a non-profit, and it was going to deliver a bunch of food to a starving country for its last stop. I guess the cargo was full of iceberg lettuce.

What do a steak and a couple having sex on a golf course have in common?
They're both t-bones
>>
>>744714528
I can't believe how hard I laughed at this. Well done.
>>
>>744715637
Kek
>>
>>744712615
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA HOLY FUCK IM DIEIN-
>>
>>744718766
Kekked.


Please kill me
>>
>>744714528
huh?
>>
>>744706737
I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me
>>
>>744708589
I'd tell you the one about the moon but it's over your head. The watermelon joke is really pitiful too.
>>
>>744712615
seriously underrated
>>
>>744716673
Yeah but now that you know the drill it's easy work
>>
>>744702690
sustainable capitalism
>>
some people get it
>>744718972

and some people dont,
>>744718220
>>744719297

its just one of those jokes. The first time I heard it I thought it was the funniest joke I had ever heard and thought it was genius. I couldn't wait to tell people. Only about half the people I told it to found it funny. I was the only one who found it as funny as i did though.
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