How do i lie successfully in court?

Make sure there isn't any evidence to the contrary. What's your deal? Why do you want to lie to the court?

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You're going away for a long, long time.

>>741351459
If you need to ask here you're already fucked. GL dipshit!

Pretend you're a cop.

>>741351459
You dont. You get a really good lawyer, and he does all the lying for you. Its incredibly rare for there to be a case where a defendant should ever utter a word in court

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>>741351459
it's not a lie if you believe in it

>>741351459
don't lie unless you are certain noone can contradict what you can say. If a single thing you say is proven to be wrong, you're pretty fucked.

i wish i could get some morphine

>>741351459
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vn_PSJsl0LQ

/thread

>>741351459
Wear glasses.
It's called the nerd defense (it's an actual term), people with glasses are less likely to be convicted.
Another thing to note is that people who are good looking are less likely to be convicted as well.
So dress up and look as good as you can and put some glasses on and you can get away with murder.
Also, don't be black.

>>741351658
Then why does it happen all the time on Law and Order?

>>741351658
>Its incredibly rare for there to be a case where a defendant should ever utter a word in court
This is incredibly wrong.

>>741351658
This. Keep your fucking mouth shut, always. The only person you should speak to is your attorney.

>>741351459
You makes lies that cannot be proved or disproved. Though if you get caught, best hope you look good in orange

>>741351856
what lol

>>741351856
You're contradicting yourself

unless you're an anime character hire a lawyer

>>741352569
lost hard

You need to have a constructed case which you defend. You can't just invent 'lies' or any other stories on the go because these people have seen it all happening before. If you need to ask then you don't need to know... You need to have a valid defense with your attorney and that includes all the lies and whatever you are going to say when asked.

>>741353040
My lies based on true stories and events,i just slipped myself into those events.

>>741351459
Do nofap for 7-10 days and you will be able to lie more natural

>>741354748
I'm on a 100+ day of NoFap

>>741351459
To lie in court as a defendant you must speak.

If you are speaking in court as a degendant you are three times more likely to be convicted.

You NEVER speak in court. Your lawyer does that for you.

>>741351459

You HAVE to believe it was real.

>>741355769
Wrong

>>741351459
Stop posting this, Justin

You can't. It's impossible. You hire lawyers they lie for you. This is America you stupid fuck.

>>741351776
>Also, don't be black.

This

>>741351777
>>741351813

First, that is TV, and Second 99% of court cases are taken care of without a defendant ever opening their mouth. Of the few times I have seen a defendant take the stand, it has gone very badly for them

>>741356127
witnesses have to talk, you can't tell your lawyer to talk for you, whole point of EYE WITNESS.

>>741356223
Yes you can. It's their job. Seriously, as an anon who's been to big boy court over two felonies, I can tell you that you'll say "Yes, your honor" , "No, your honor", "I understand, your honor" and that's it. Let the lawyers do the shmoozing because chances are the prosecutor is listening to your bullshit the entire time. If said prosecutor decides they don't like you, your experience is going to be not good.

>>741351459
become an attorney

>>741355849
wow I believe you

>>741355574
I broke mine after a 1 year+ nofap, do I start over or just an hero?

>>741356778
No idea man, 4th time i woke up with cum in my underwear is kinda pissing me off, but i guess it's better than jacking off and feeling like shit?
You experienced this shit too?

OP here, guys i have to speak about my own life story, i'm seeking asylum and i have to lie about some parts, no point in having an attorney to talk for me as it's ME who has to explain everything.

Thank you.

>>741356933
Oh look another dirty Mudslime male trying to get free bribing healthcare and social service support

>>741356223
If you are a witness you arent a defendant. Witnesses can refuse to testify in court.

>>741357095
I'm Russian, also not Muslim.

>>741357177
Okay potato farmer heroes what you do. This is lying 101 don't be specific. When you lie you don't know who was with you when this happened, or exactly where this happened. If they ask you when say sometime in September. If they ask you who was with you tell them you were alone or with your buddy vlad who you only hanged out with once. They ask you where it happened, say somewhere in (city). Don't volunteer the info just give non specific answers if asked a question. If they catch you say you can't recall.

>>741357695
So I dont give all the details right away ? Let them interrogate me and phish for info?

>>741357128
>be me
>witness robbery
>clerk got shot dead
>D.A. asks me to testify
>no
>"you'll be safe"
>no
>"blah blah blah"
>no
>apparently all the have is a shitty video and it hinges on my testimony
>I am a non-compliant witness in every sense of the term
>still get summons to testify
>d.a. asks establishing questions
>"did you get a good look at the shooter Mr Ymous?"
>yes
>"and do you see the shooter in this room today?"
>no
>"mr ymous Ill ask you again, do you see the person who shot mr victim in the courtroom today?"
>"you mean the defendant?"
>"yes"
>"no. it wasn't him."

>>741357973
Lost

Shameless bump

>>741351658
Lawyers are NOT ALLOWED TO LIE.
This will disbar them.

>>741351459
say the dog ate your homework duh

>>741359177
Nice dubs

>>741359255
OMG NICE DUBS CHEKKING DUBS HOLY FUG

>>741351776

Cover them tats too boy.

If I was on a jury I would put you in jail just for having tats - you degenerate.

>>741359303
You failed

>>741351459
betablockers

>>741359363
What are those?

>>741359384
my names jeff xDDDD

>>741359363
beta blockers are heart medication - they reduce your heart's sensitivity to adrenaline, among other things. Not sure why anon would suggest them, though. Fucking with that kind of stuff could get you dead. Maybe anon was refering to you being a beta and needing to be blocked - that would be my guess.

>>741359696
So these help with lying?
Why not just take xanax or valium?

>>741359760
because xanax is a retarded feminist and valium is a fictional metal band from uranus

>>741359760
I have taken them for heart problems before. They didn't help me tell lies. I don't know what that anon is talking about.

>>741359992
Thanks, any tips on how to lie ?

>>741360042
don't lie, it's not nice

>>741360042

Yeah - say nothing.

But if you are going to lie, the less you say the better.

If you dress it up you mess it up.

>>741351776
I think OP is a witness lying for some friends, not lying to protect himself.

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>>741351706

Seinfeld philosophies for the win.

/Thread

>>741356873
omg child memories from the time before I discovered how to fap :D

>>741356087
>You can't. It's impossible. You hire lawyers they lie for you. This is America you stupid fuck.
And yanks wonder why the rest of the world laugh at them!

>>741357177
act like Putin and you'll be fine

Hire Jonny Cochran

>>741360441
He doesn't lie, he's also confident as fuck, should I mimick his body language?

>I don't remember
>I don't recall
>I'm not sure but

>>741359696
>beta blockers are heart medication - they reduce your heart's sensitivity to adrenaline
They reduce your whole body's response to adrenaline and noradrenaline, and because these chemicals are involved in stress and the fight-or-flight response, blocking them will reduce the signs of anxiety and nervousness; that's why people with stage fright take beta-blockers.

>>741360569
He lies about a lot of things. let's start with his bare chest fishing adventures which are all set up. Or the russian BUK missle that shot down a Dutch plane. But because of his confidence everyone beliefs him. So yeah, act confident like him and they'll believe you easier. But don't overdo mimicking his body language. They might think you're a psycho then.

>>741360860
Like Valium it will make you also less sharp. So you might say the wrong thing...

>>741351459
>How do i lie successfully in court?
Become an attorney.

>>741360861
I'm an asylum seeker tho, I'm asking for help telling me life story, should I talk confidently or play with emotions to make them feel sorry for me?
Other than being Russian I don't know-how to fake Putin confidence.

>>741357095
Didn't want muslims in your country, shouldn't have invaded India then colony boyyy.

>>741358854
>Lawyers are NOT ALLOWED TO LIE.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>>741358854
lol

>>741360948
I've only found they affect the physical symptoms of anxiety: they don't block anxiety like benzos.

>>741361025
Shieeet vlad why you running?

>>741361138
He's right.

>>741361214
My parents gave them to me when I was bullied in high school. It should make me less vulnerable. But instead that shit made me dizzy and lazy all the time and turned me into an easier victim.

>>741359889
>because xanax is a retarded feminist
thats not a viable excuse not to take them you FUCKING RETARD

>>741361025
Emotions will work too. Especially the I'm doing my best and I want to be a better person blablabla. Just don't start crying and acting like a beaten bitch at the courtroom.

The thing with confidence is that you must tell things like they are real. It's better to say a wrong detail then too think and mutter when you speak. Also look the person you talk through straight in the eyes and try not to feel any emotion.

>>741361830
Thanks, I heard scratching yourself is also a giveaway of lying, you know anything about that?

Also more tips?

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Don't show up

>>741361991
yeah. Don't touch your face. Don't look down. Be friendly, also to the enemy. Like you forgive them that they made a mistake. Get your story worked out and fantasy about it as often as you can. It will become a memory then and when you recall something you'll will act differently then when you have to make something up quickly.

>>741362280
How to talk about parts where I was abused and beaten?

>>741362475
Stop being a fag god damn

>>741362475
>>741362280
https://youtu.be/YKd2j1hGngg?t=2049

This guy here, laughs looks down, maintains eye contact, should i do the same?

>>741362540
nice dubs

>>741362929
>>741362540
Samefag

I'm a master at lying, it's how I've gotten to where I am in life now. While it wouldn't be a great idea I'm sure I could lie to a judge and get away with it.

>>741363932
Share your tips and tricks?

>>741351813
And yet he is incredibly right. The right amount of question the defendant should get is one, in cross exam, 2 if the opposite counsel is bad. But hey, that's the theory

>>741364109
Here's how to lie successfully over time: Throughout your day find a few things that you could easily lie about and do it, turn it into a habit over time, make people believe something that isn't true. If you start small and do it repetitively enough bigger, more intricate lies become easier, and you begin to be able to convince people of things that aren't true. At this point, start to get into social engineering.
Using social engineering I have been able to live in mansions, get cars, money, products in stores I may want, all for free using social engineering and easy lies. Easy lies, not stupid lies. Stupid lies get you caught. Be afraid of getting caught, but if you do get caught it's ok because you're starting small. You'll learn peoples nuances and how to emulate being someone they think you are.

>>741364659
That's all fun and dandy but how am i supposed to convince a judge i was beaten and almost killed and i'm seeking for help in his country?
How should i portray myself? confident? or humble and poor / scared ?

>>741358854
lol

>>741364659
cont.
You need to be able to lie on the fucking spin of a dime. You need to be able to lie without even thinking about it.
Along with getting things I may want (I don't live in a big house or anything, generally I'm a pretty humble guy and am happy with what I own) I am also able to get out of a situation that could cause me harm extremely quickly just by talking.

>>741351459
Don't be a dumb pussy, that's how.

>>741364995
You don't have much time to learn to the extent I have.
Honestly I'd need to see your face to know how you should act but posting your photo online would be stupid.
Act like you're in pain but you are 100% in the right and that you know that you're in the right, and that you're hiding the pain, and that you love everybody but put that below the pain.
Disregard this part but my opinion is that you get a good lawyer to get you off as light as possible. Man up and take this on the shoulder, the ramifications for lying WITHOUT evidence in court is... idiotic, at best*


*Unless you're me :P

>>741365326
>Act like you're in pain but you are 100% in the right and that you know that you're in the right, and that you're hiding the pain, and that you love everybody but put that below the pain
that's nice, i'll try to make that face, thanks.

>>741365541
Not just the face, bro, your whole entire body, the fucking insides of your body need to emulate that shit bro. Any slip-ups and the sub-conscious minds of the people around you will start to see through it.

OP who did you kill?

>>741365716
>bro
You from Europe?

>>741366441
Your mom

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>>741366628

>>741353727
Don't lie. Will 100 percent fall apart under examination. Even one Crack or retelling differently is all it takes.

>>741366441
Um, no. It's pretty common lingo, man.

>>741351459
It's easy as shit. Just watch this video, it shows you how step by step.

only an idiot can't figure out how to lie in court.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22n8ZqXavDY

Why waste time going to law school when you can watch law and order?

>>741366713
I'm looking for ways to not crack, i already read my story a bunch of times, remember every single detail and for the things i don't i'm able to come up with a lie on spot.

Anything else i should consider?
I'm just worried about tone of voice, body language and my appearance in general.

>>741366815
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUMufrlTjNM
nothing explains how to lie, good acting tho!

Just plead guilty and say you're too autistic to be held accountable

>>741367082
I'm not guilty of anything, on the contrary.

>>741367082
This works

>>741367082
Can't do that my man

>>741367230
This is your best defense. Trust me, I'm a lawyer. Judging by your posts you're high on the spectrum too.

>>741367491
I'm an asylum seeker, claiming i'm autistic before an immigration judge won't do me any good, i have to tell my life story and make them believe what happened to me.

>>741367491
>>741367450
>>741367780
Samefag until proven innocent.

>>741367082
this might work

>>741367780
Your fault for being born in a shit 3rd world country LOL 'murica

>be a girl
>cry a lot

seemed to work for my ex.

>>741367780
>I'm an asylum seeker
Here's what you do:

1. Present your case to remain cohesively to the courts
2. Provide evidence for your need for asylum
3. Detail how your life would be, or could be, if you stayed in your country of origin.

If you need to lie about any one of these in order to be granted asylum then fuck off back home. Seriously.

>>741368140
I'm Russian, again, i'm running from army persecution and army related problems, not african.

>>741368317
I don't need to lie about my case, however i do need to lie about my political activities, i had none, other than my political ideologies and being a victim i did nothing, it's not enough apparently i need to lie about being politically active, that's where i need to come up with lies.

About the documents and evidence i have none, i thought about forging them because i can't get originals but i'm not sure anymore.

I can't return, my father was killed after i left Russia already, i have no one back there to even ask for help or evidence to help me, what else can i do?

>>741351459
Look in eyes and own everything you say. Suppress feelings of guilt or fear.

>>741367780
What are the juicy parts? you can tell us, we won't tell.

Look clean, proper etc as said.
Don't say that you've been working if you've in other parts stated you've been working as something specific, and all other similar things.

>>741368992
This, more info OP.

>>741368992
>>741368508
I don't want to share more, but that's basically it.

>>741351706
way to fuck up the quote jackass

>>741369360
Correct it?

>>741369209
So you're either a russian who thought ukraine stuff was wrong, or fought in ukraine and too stupid to not talk about it, or support the separation of tjetjnia? fucking mess.

>>741369908
They wanted to draft me, i refused, started getting threats, i wasn't living in Moscow or anything so in the countryside everything is corrupted, eventually lead to bigger problems and me being labled as" betraying the army"

>>741356873
Not in bed but everytime I took a piss my cum came out leaking, won't lie it was satisfying seeing my balls full but felt like complete shit breaking my nofap desu

>>741370044
>but felt like complete shit breaking my nofap desu
I know what you mean, that's why i'm not breaking mine, i got used to wetting my underwear once in a month so not bad.

>>741370176
Or just fap once a week or every other week.

>>741370013
Well you have conscription in russia so...
You shoulda been able to foil the medical though.

>>741370472
No point, they decided to take everyone, i'm thinking about forging "foiling" records now to present with my case, it's not like they can verify those, can they? and these documents will help me case tremendously.

how did this not turn into a drugs thread?

>>741356490
Did you get put away on either felony?

>>741365034
but, how then do you live with the fact that you're just a liar?

>>741371022
How do I know you're not lying now?