I saw the newest transformers today, my fathers company sponsored

>>736479465
I'll bite. Spoil the fuck out of it for me.

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>>736479465
When they advertise that film on the radio they say the transformers names like they're fucking rock stars

>>736479465
WHAT IS OPTIMUS PRIMES DICK LIKE???

>>736479465
shit tier movies about shit tier 80s toys

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>>736479465
I'm guessing some hackneyed robots pose as late-model sports cars and strike battle poses unsuiting of robots, while low-budget celebrities squabble amusingly with each other, only vaguely giving a shit about the affairs of said robots.

I'm also guessing Megatron gets his come-uppance, but that's just a wild stab in the dark.

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>>736479465
Was it as cringe as it looked.

will be explode?

>>736479522
it centers around merlins staff. in the opening you see lancelot and some other hundred knights battling and they're losing like shit. they're waiting for merlin to come rescue them with magic. cut to merlin riding on a horse to some alien ship crashed on a grassy mountain, covered in moss. he yells into the open ship that he needs help, and that if the thing in he ship doesnt help, then his planet will find doom just like the things in the ship. out comes a transformer that looks like some old giant knight. he hands merlin a staff of unknowable power and tells him that he has to guard it. he then says to take the dragon, and some huge fucking transformer three headed dragon goes with merlin and fucks up the opposing army. lancelots side wins merlins a hero yay

also, this movies two and a half hours long and i've never seen another transformer movie so i'll try my best here

>>736479996
cut to present day. talks about how transformers are illegal in the USA. there's some quarantine zone full of old transformers or something. little kids sneak in to have fun, they get spooked by the TRF or the TFR or something. basically the transformer police. but there's also robots with some robot AI or something that patrols looking for intruders. the kids are looking around and they find antransformer that looks like the old knight like the one merlin talked to. they think it's dead but it's eyes open and they scream like pussys and run away. AI police things that look like a Halo mantis starts shooting at them. younger 14 year old girl magically appears and runs away with them leading them to her hideout. says her family died from a missile by a deceptacon. her hideout is hidden by a transformer called hideaway or something like that

>>736480339
TRF fire a missile at the hideaway transformer and blow it the fuck up. they go to extract the kids, but out comes Cade to save the day. he tells the kids to run and they fuck off. the TRF comes and tells Cade that he's under arrest but bumble bee comes and kills a majority of them and they let him go. also before the TRF came for Cade, he walked up to the old knight transformer the kids found. Old knight dude says he's a true knight and gives him this old medallion.

does anyone want me to continue

>>736480585
Absolutely

>>736480585
Yes 200%. I don't know why but I'm more invested in your summary than I am in seeing the movie

>>736479465
are there any redeeming qualities?

>>736480585
Yes

>>736479465
Let me guess. Marc Wahlberg looks confused for 90% of the movie, camera angles that make you sick watching them show confusing and badly filmed "Action" scenes, piss-poor cg effects, explosions for no reason, Optimus says things that seem important and deep (But they aren't), and Main Characters die but don't.

>>736479465
OP who is your favorite transformer?

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>>736479996
Michael Bay really has his hand DEEP up his ass to pull this shit plot out

>>736481138
Sounds pretty cool desu

>>736480826
>>736480585
ok so Cade and bumble bee zoom out and go to their secret junk yard hideout, except what they don't know is the TRF had shot a tracker onto bumble bee. also to their unknowledge is that the stupid fucking 14 year old whore climbed under the car and traveled with them secretly with her little blue pet robot. at the junk yard there's a couple robots. a huge t. rex, bumble bee, this stereotypical another accent military general mini gun holding transformer, a baby trex, this fat one who holds a bunch of stuff on his back like he's the mask traveler from majoras mask. they all hide out there and just chill

>>736481064
i liked the C3PO looking robot, you'll hear about him soon

>>736481356
Do we have to watch the other ones to keep up with the plot?

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The only Transformers movie that matters

>>736479465

Does the most advance robots in teh universe communicate with each other by talking in english?

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>>736481426
Every single Micheal Bay Transformers movie is exactly the same. LITERALY

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Continue!

>>736481721
yes

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>>736481721
What else would they say? It's not like they are an advanced race of Machine based lifeforms that have been traversing the solar system for eons

>>736481311
little shithead girl (names jazmine, she specifically emphasized the Z) makes her presence known and they let her stay after arguing. then the TRF shows up following the tracker so they all get the fuck out of there and run into some random small town nearby. BUT: pause for a second, we gotta talk about megatron. all around the world, six huge ass spikes appeared and are growing up to the sky. they noticed that Megatron was spotted visiting them all. i forgot his but the TRF / military figured out about the staff and want megatron to lead them to it. so they make a deal with him and in return they release 3 of megatrons buddies from their transformer prison and they go after Cade and his gang. Also, NASA noted a huge thing hurtling toward earth. spoiler: it's cybertron, and it's dead and it's come for the staff. ALSO, optimus prime is floating in space towards cybertron.

>>736481426
i've never seen a single transformer movie and i followed along enough with basic knowledge that: Megatron is bad, optimus prime is good. Auto bots good, deceptacons bad.

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>>736481466

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>>736481961
Couldn't be Unicron, could it? NO! That would be too intelligent.

>>736481961
It's not... Unicron? WTF. I wanted my giant planet-eating machine. Why does Michael Bay ruin everything he touches?

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>>736482047
except when the Autobots are bad, and the humans are good, but then the humans are bad, and the autobots are product placement

>>736481961
Anyway back to Cade at the old town. the TRF comes except they're pussys and send in drones after them. Cade and Jasmine jack off with the drones and as they're doing that this C3PO british looking robot appears to cade and says that he's the true knight and that he has to come with him. sounds good. but then megatron and his fuckboy squad appear and start fucking shit up but bumble bee and his junk yard squad hold them off

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>>736482281
It's just a mask dude

>>736482338
Megatron and the Fuckboys, how is that not a band name yet

>>736482419
Don't you dare post that evil here anon. Not you

>>736482338
C3PO and Cade fly to england to meet C3POs master. he's some old dude who's studied merlins past and shit. we also meet some girl professor who's father was actually a descendant of merlin. Old guys (we will call him Oldie and the chick Titty Girl) autobot kidnaps her and brings her to Oldies house with Cade. He tells her that she's a descendant of Merlin and that only she can use merlins staff of unknowable power that cybertron is after. but now they need to find out the staffs location. Fun fact: the spikes that were grown out the ground i mentioned earlier are in random locations. BUT, if you arrange the earth to look like pangea the the spikes all form a center with stonehenge in the middle.

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Transformers released in USA on the 20th... OP bullshitting early screening

>>736479642
wait when the fuck did this happen? (pic) how did i miss this

>>736482973
but that doesn't tell them where the staff is. through some puzzles n shit they get lead to some submarine museum. they get in the museum and turns out it's a transformer too. whoopie! it leads them underwater, but the RFT follows them in their own little mini subs

>>736482973
I was half-expecting the pyramids tbh

>>736483101
Solid stuff OP, keep it up

I haven't watched explosion simulator since like three and from your summaries I'm glad I stopped then.

Thanks, OP!

>>736483030
who gives a shit

>>736479465
Here's some spoliers
>theres robits
>they punches
>and they shoots
>sometimes the robots be cars
>or others be planes
>also this one has a hot girl(bout time these crap films gave one those)

>>736483261
>Megan Fox
>Some British Chick

Who else? I didn't see the last couple

>>736483185
they actually show the pyramids being destroyed i hope that's enough

>>736483324
shia labeouf

You know you fuckers could all just read the "Plot" section from the Wikipedia article to get a much better plot synopsis than this fucker is giving, right?

>>736483426
How could I forgot

>>736483458
Hey. Fuck off.

>>736483458
Fuck off out of this thread killjoy

You know you could kill yourself at any time too, right?

>>736481466
dubs of truth

>>736483458
wikipedia is overrated

>>736483101
Submarine transformer brings the crew to an underwater huge ass spaceship and they find merlins tomb. Titty Girl grabs the staff and then a bunch of old knights wake up and start fighting them. But the the TFR starts shooting and tell Titty Girl to give them the staff or they shoot. all the knights go "YO THAT NIGGA WANTS TO HURT THE STAFF" so they all start fighting the TRF instead. but then Optimus Prime shows up, and he's different.

>>736483381
Wasn't that the second one?

>>736483639
does it really matter?

>>736483522

yeah but instead I just fucked your mom.

>>736483689
Well when you put it like that, I suppose not.

>>736483621
While Optimus Prime was floating through space, he landed on cybertron and saw that it was all destroyed and dead looking. he walks in and sees some overloaded woman who says she's their maker. she bitch slaps optimus primes face and turns his cheek red and now he's brainwashed to get the stuff at all costs dun dun dunnnn

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>>736484059
Again, Rehash of the last movie. Not Unicron, Pointless explosions.

>>736484059
OP it took you 8 minutes to type that up? These intervals are killing me

>>736484200
It's like 10 minutes for another paragraph. I'm gunna have to abandon thread and sleep soon

>>736484128
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>>736484287
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>>736483722
what are you in middle school?

>>736484414
really, that's your comeback to him

>>736484059
so optimus prime steals the staff staff from Titty Girl and i don't remember how but the underwater ship activates and starts flying up. Executive fight scene between Optimus Prime, all the knights, and Megatron (he shows up when the ship surfaces in air). megatron steals the staff and flys off to Cybertron, which has now entered earth's atmosphere and is slowly crashing. optimus prime regains control and is no longer brainwashed. the knights all start hitting optimus prime. just as they're about to kill him, Cades medallion that he got from the one knight in the beginning turns into a sword and the other knights are like "o fuck he's the true knight let's follow him and not kill optimus prime"

>>736484200
>>736484280
sorry anons i'm multitasking and i'm terrible at it

>>736484128
>>736484287
>>736484374
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>>736484571
it wasn't me he said it to, but he reminded me of a middle schooler

>>736484642
Godlike lady gets the staff starts draining the earth's power or some shit to rebuild Cybertron. basically it's a 1 hour fight scene between all the transformers and humans, Oldie dies, C3PO gets sad, lots of explosions bc michael bay. eventually Titty Girl grabs the staff and her and Cade save the day. Cybertron no longer is draining earth, peace comes to both the species. They say they need to work together to fix both their worlds. then as the credits roll we see a girl walking through the sahara desert dressed in purple robes, it's heavily implied she's the godlike lady, so i'm assuming there's going to be ANOTHER movie.

>>736484727
>>736484727
>>736484727
>>736484727


K Y S
Y
S

>>736485138
Thank you OP, I'm sure your parents are proud of you. Cheers

>>736485270
thanks anon hope you enjoyed the watered down plot

>>736481732
Oh hey it's RLM

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>>736479465
*spoiler alert*
autobots win
*end spoiler*

>every cartoon/comicbook movie evah

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I just saw the movie too. Unicron is in it but in the worst way possible.

>>736484287
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