Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

Instructions weren't clear, my dick is stuck in the ship's replicator

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>>735335037
That sounds more like an engineering problem. I'll inform B'elanna.

I am in medical need of a holographic sissyboi. Please assist.

>>735335097
oh, oh please inform her, I uh, I got a thing for klingons

>>735335037
There's more than one replicator, and there's not really anything to get your dick stuck in in one.

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>>735334969
yes i was out wondering this alien craft and a spider thing jumped on my face

This board is infested with virgins far beyond the normal age. What can be done?

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>>735335267
I heard you were having replicator problems?

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>>735335287
You seem fine to me. Maybe you're just hallucinating.

>>735335425
Well, sexual relations aren't exactly...discouraged on the ship. Just keep it discreet, preferably in your quarters or the Holodeck.

>>735335426
Oh Shit, your hear, You didn't hear what I said did you?

>>735335576
you're Here*

>>735334969
Doctor my wife is making me fat

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>>735335576
Not everything. Why? Is there something I should know?

>>735335515
oh ok back to work

>>735335576
>Your hear
Triggered

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>>735335701
I'd recommend you get with Mr. Tuvok and discuss a workout regimen. As for your diet, talk with Mr. Neelix.

>>735335715
Well, of course.

>>735335703
he needs advice on klingon flesh lights, i think he needs a pussy mold if you have time

>>735335703
No, No, anyway I uh, I got my dick stuck in this replicator.

>>735334969
Doctor, they're letting some kid drive the ship again!

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>>735335820
Then he'd better replicate one, because I'm already a happily married woman.

>>735335841
*sigh* Let me take a look.
...
Yeah, that's pretty bad. I'll ask Seven if she knows how to fix this.

>>735335802
Hey doc, I got this rash after fooling around with Naomi... is it anything I should be worried about?

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>>735334969
Computer, delete program: Emergency Medical Hologram.

Authorization code Janeway-Pi-1-1-0

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Can you fix this?

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>>735335881
I'm no 'kid.' I'm actually an ex-con.

>>735334969
My pee pee burns

>>735335949
That sounds good to, ill wait for Seven

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>>735335970
You realize she's a child, right?!

>>735335982
But captain, I'm working...

>>735336033
It seems you may have contracted an alien STD. Take 400 mg of vexillion, and let me know what happens in 3 hours.

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>>735334969
yes, i was on shore leave and this creature attacked me and now im hearing voices. here's a sketch

>>735335802
But, I love my wife's tacos.

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>>735336055
Alright, remove the rest of your uniform. We'll begin immediately.

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>>735334969
MISTER PARIS. YOU LEFT THE DAMN HOLOGRAM ON AGAIN.HE WONT SHUT THE FUCK UP.TURN HIM OFF NOW

>>735336055
>>735336055
NO NO it'll just make it worse if she shows up

>>735334969
I fell down the stairs and there's a huge crack in my ass.

doctor what are these crusty blisters on my genitals and groin region?

>>735336154
Yeah, that's why I'm concerned.
I thought I'd be in the clear to boink her without worry.
But somehow this rash popped up.
Any other crew members have a rash that looks like this?
>Drops pants
I'd love to know who's been spreading this around.

>>735336212
Shut the fuck up your not the doctor nor the engineer

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>>735336201
Oh not to worry, Mister...er...well, never mind. I can make them meat-free.

>>735336207
Ladies/borg first

>>735336207
please be gentle, my baby dick is very sensetive

>>735336207
Removing them now!

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>>735336236
What exactly are "stairs?"

>>735336269
Goodness sake, man, take 800mg.

>>735336188
AND WHEN WAS THIS?!

>>735336306
My wife hates you nelix she thinks you jar jar faggot

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Doc, gardening is no longer fighting back the urge to stab the crew in the face and stuff them into a conduit.
There has to be something you can do to help?!

>>735336207
Ignore these dumbasses, I'm the actuall anon who first asked for help, removing the remaining clothing now.

>>735336306

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>>735336308
>>735336387
>>735336388
You...all have the same problem?

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I think the transporter is on the fritz.

>>735336499
>>735336473
No, and I'm this guy btw

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>>735336446
I try to be a good morale officer and chef....

>>735336426
stairs are things that help you reach specific places

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>>735336302
i heard she has robots in her pussy, shes evil

>>735336426
>>735336188
just last week

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>>735336471
Oh no, you're staying in the Brig.

>>735336499
Please ignore these fakers, im the one in need of help!

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>>735334969
pls halp

>>735334969
Seven and i were going to town like a beast and she "accidentally" injected my genitals with nanites. i now have had a painful half assimilated erection for nearly 10 hours now

>>735334969
Doctor Doctor My Stomach hurts, please take a look. And whatever u may find... i swear i felt on that bottle !

>>735336564
(Shoots nelix with kingdom distuptor ) Die Das rat

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>>735336499
Me too. Me too.

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>>735336589
Hm, this information doesn't exist in my memory banks for some reason...

>>735336621
And you've kept quiet about it since? What if you had spread pathogens to the rest of the crew?

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>>735336714

>>735336688
You were an improvement

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>>735336698
You should have kept it to the Holodeck instead of actually approaching her. You probably scared her and triggered an impulse.

>>735336707
*sigh* alright.......

>>735336762
>>735336621
sorry doc, i just noticed my symptoms. like the voices

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>>735336714
ha, you missed!

>>735336762
you need and update

<- days untili can nextmasterbaate

>>735336971

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>>735336927
>times like this, I'm glad I'm a hologram

>>735336939
Right, I'll just plug into the ship's mainframe here and download the update from Starfleet--

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

>>735336499
Yes. Only my problem is worse, since my penis is currently erect.

>>735337042
im starting to think we should replace you

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>>735334969
Is there anything I can do to be of assistance, doctor?

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>>735337111
that is a problem?

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>>735337111
Oh please, put that away.

>>735337132
We're about 62,000 lightyears away from that being possible. I'm sorry Lieutenant, but you're stuck with me.

>>735335037
>>735335267
>>735335576
>>735335841
>>735336055
>>735336473
Preparing ultimate proof this is me

>>735334969
im tired all the time

and i want to die

>>735337042
>>735336927
why what's wrong

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>>735337225
Yes, you can leave the ship before you tear it apart at a molecular level again. It's nice to see you, but you've become too dangerous.

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>>735337279

Ok seven, proof of my identity, can I get assistance now?

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Hewp hmmmmeeeeee....

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>>735337297
Talk to me, I can help.

Doc, have you been programmed with relevant techniques to treat psychological illnesses such as gender identity politics disorder, pedophilia or fidget spinner autism syndrome?

Hey doc how do you feel about euthanasia?
I've reached my limit, we have broken the prime directive more times than I can count just so janeway can get her coffee and I can no longer live with myself knowing that we are destabilizing an entire sector of space.
Help me doc, you are my only hope.

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Help.

My emergency medical hologram somehow got younger and is turning into a werewolf...

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>>735337366
Okay, doctor, but only because you're asking so nicely, and for showing me those dubs before I leave the ship.

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>>735337549
I only recognize one of those things...

>>735337598
We've done that once...I should hope we never have to again.

>>735337620
Someone left the Holodeck running again.

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doc help i've started to get severe chest pains

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>>735337687
Take care, Kes. And thanks again for not nearly killing us all this time.

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>>735337746
As with the other crewman, consider a workout regimen from Mr. Tuvok, and a diet change.

My dick fell off

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>>735337849
DEAR GOD IT'S GETTING WORSE

>>735334969

Jews control the media.

>>735337379
No she cant, she's already assisting me and my hard on. You'll have to wait.

>>735337240
It was until you showed up. Now if you wouldn't mind helping a guy out?

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>>735337923
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, CREWMAN.

>>735337849
Hey Doc access those over 5 million medical documents and scan for the absolute optimum bulking regimen for maximum lean muscle mass gain. I've got to get big by next weekend before my big date with ensign Kim.

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>>735338056
I don't know what they told you, but I'm not into that.

>>735337923
>>735338051
help me..

>>735338177
Come on Kim, everyone knows you rikey de eggroll. Who else would have turned down the opportunity to fondle Sevens nines?

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I think I'd better power down for now. Tom, you have the sickbay.

>>735338051
uh, doc i think you should get tuvok to find that other guy

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>>735338314
I was already in a relationship. You just didn't know about her because you people never care enough to ask!

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>>735338481
Alright Harry that's enough, bend over this chair while I fuck you right up the ass.

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>>735338177
Ensign, you shouldn't like to your superiors like that. Don't you remember our last away mission together? Or should I show the crew the holoimager?

So,anybody know if the Captain is single and into younger men?

>>735337339
uh doc the voices are getting worse

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>>735338385
Computer deactivate EMH Program AK-1

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[stardate 52647.3; Harry and I after having rough sex on the runabout]

This is now a Harry Kim thread. Abandon ship.

>>735336688
Tuvix... I will avenge you!!!

>>735334969
I got my weenie stuck in Kess' Kootch!

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Doc! Something awful has happened to Kess!!!!