Stupidest shit youve done while horny

>>734247687
Stuck my dick in a vacuum on blow because i thought that thats what a blowjob was

>>734247687
licked the anus of a fat ugly single mother.

>>734247900
Greentext?

>>734247687
Spied on my mum through a keyhole and got caught

>>734247687
Sucked my own dick

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spell icup

>>734247687
Jerked off with Noxema. Burned.

Kidnapped a girl called madeleine mccann raped her killed her.

>>734247687

I've cummed my aunt's panties. tho.

>>734248127
What are we 12 again?

>>734248168
nice try, Mr and Ms McCann.

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>>734247687
This

Made a pocket pussy out of a microwaved banana and some duct tape. Burned the shit out of my cock.

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Greentext how on mobile
I want to be a cool kid
>Good day in the northern hemisphere
>felt a bit bold
>find Gillette razor that happens to vibrate
>rubs half of Vaseline box onto it
>insert
>shaking stimulates prostate immensely
>finna tour bus
>tries to take it out but it won't budge
>worried
>tries tugging and pulling at the same time
>no luck
>went to bed with a fucking razor stuck up cavity
>Mfw

>>734247953
>suffering from a long dry spell
>find slumpbuster
>ultra slut
>we're talking 100 plus partners
>literal 3/10
>says she's into getting rimmed
>dick has taken over the controls at this point
>spread her huge ass cheeks
>proceed to french kiss that starfish
>finger the shit out of her at the same time
>she cums
>fuck her doggy
>instand disgust as soon as I blow my load

When I was 14, I was trying some really weird shit. On the toilet one time, I literally rubbed shit on my dick because I thought it would feel like I was fucking a girl up the ass. It didn't feel like anything, it just smelled bad. It took a whole roll to clean by hands of shit. Even after washing them thoroughly, they still smelled like shit for a day or two.

>>734248610
Item:1/100 uses left

>>734247687
>had my younger brother push down my head so I could suck my own dick
>got high and jerked off while walking around the city
>used a qtip as a dildo on a mouse, came on the mouse, then killed it.
>put peeled bananas and almonds in my asshole so I could eat them

>>734248773
damn she farted on my dick

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>>734247687
>Home alone at 11 during summer holidays, exploring the house (never get a chance to do so) and find porn in mum and dads closet
>Start fapping, suddenly, front door opens
>Mum and dads bedroom is right at the top of stairs, facing the front door
>Go to back of closet and sit down behind all the coats, mouth breathing so I don't make noise
>Mum comes in to room and sits on bed, starts getting changed
>Opens closet, puts shoes on the floor, leaves the closet open, lies down on bed, texting
>Sitting there for about 10 minutes fucking terrified that I'm going to get caught (going in to mum and dads room was a total no-go in our family)
>Front door goes again, dad rushing up stairs
>"Anon's gone out?"
>"Yeah, I think he's out with his friends"
>And they start making out aggressively
>Sitting there in closet, half watching my dad get sucked off, bending my mum over the bed, mum moaning loudly, getting spanked, etc
>Carries on for like 20 minutes, dad pulls out and cums on my mum's face, they sit in the afterglow for a few minutes then my dad goes back to work
>Mum goes for a shower (adjacent to their bedroom)
>Sneak out the closet, out the backdoor, climb the side fence and in the front door, mum just getting out of shower
>Mum in a really good mood
>"There's my big boy, come give your mum a kiss"
>MFW

>>734247687
Left the door to my room open carelessly and my lil sister walked in and saw (didnt hear her come to the house from school). She brings it up jokingly occasionally still.

>>734248773
lmao you were seriosuly fucked in the head! what the fuck were you thinking as a little dipshit you were...

i fucked a warm radiator in the middle of the night

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>>734248168
reported, sir

>me, virgin, dating this girl I met online
>we meet one morning, heavy making out
>she had to go to work
>meet later, get dinner
>sitting in her car, kissing, getting pretty hot
>get in the back seat, start taking cloths off
>get my dick wet
>moving around, poke her in the butt.
>says she needs to go home...
>haven't seen her since

>>734249014
Damn, that's some messed up shit

show my dick to my crush in a theater

>>734249040
is your sister recently hot? please dump her pics, my dear anon!

>>734249047

I cummed on my own face when I was 12.

>>734248945
How many cereals did u keel?

posted pictures of my gf on here

>>734248127
NiBBa

When I was a teen I attempted to stick my dick in a printer. Ended up ripping off my foreskin. That's how I circumcised myself.

>>734249047
She's still underage in high school anon.

>>734249324
I did too but by accident. It shot up pretty high.

>>734249235
How'd it go?

>Break up with long term-ish GF (6 months in high school felt like an eternity) on bad terms
>She spreads a lot of shit about me around school, maliciously
>Not much of it sticks, but it's enough that girls think I'm a shitty guy because I instigated the break up (she was getting too needy and clingy)
>Couldn't get laid in a whorehouse at this point
>Fast forward 6 weeks or so, at a summer party, have a new social circle with a few old friends, including some out of school people
>Always get horny when I'm drunk, notice this chubby girl (easily 70+kg and short) giving me all kinds of good vibes
>She motions to go upstairs
>We talk for a bit, she starts kissing me, leading me on
>At this point, I'm pretty wrecked, as is she, and it was hot as fuck through the day but it was starting to cool down
>She motions for me to lay down, takes off her skirt and peels her panties to the side
>Can literally see the sweat being peeled from her thighs
>Begins straddling me
>But wait I haven't got my jeans off ye-
>She starts scooching up the bed towards my face
>Oh god no
>She turns around
>Oh sweet jesus please no
>Tucks her calves under my shoulders, her ass in my face
>Come the fuck on you drunken fuck tell her you don't want this
>Dick is like "C'mon bro, it's been like 6 weeks"
>The stench of sweat, pussy and ass immediately becomes overbearing as she starts grinding my face
>This goes on for like 5 of the longest minutes in my life as her sopping wet pussy is just kinda grinding my mouth, while my nose is right in her ass, until she comes hard
>She haphazardly sits there on my face while unbuttoning my jeans pulls my dick out
>Moans again as she gives me one of the worst handy's I've had before or since
>That horny I cum all over my stomach and her hands
>She mistakes my quick ejaculation for desire, licks the cum up, licks her cum from my face, and falls asleep next to me, saying "we can fuck in a few hours"
>Go in to a drunken coma wake up to find her gone
>Thank you Jesus

>>734247687
Dated a 15 year old when I was 19 just for the sex.

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Glued my penis in a fleshlight

>>734249972

Why don't you take a seat?

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>>734248051
MFW

>>734249972
me too
feels good

Spied on my family members/hidden cam

>>734248122
Did not.

Hacked in to my sister's facebook and found a LOT of candid pictures.

Of other dudes dicks. And assholes.

Turns out she solicits lonely guys in a weird dominatrix kinda role.

>>734250034
Green text the story to the ER please.

>me at 12
>Mom is gone
> I'm alone
>Bored and horny
>Remembers cucumbers where on sale $10 for $10
> We have about 20 in the crisper for picking
> Decided to try to shove one up my ass
>No way in hell it would fit
>Rethinking strategy
> Suddenly I have an idea
> Decides to shove it in my vagina
> Remembers that we needed all of the cucumbers
>Oh shit.jpeg
>Washes cucumber and puts it back in the crisper
More stories?
Bump

>>734250515

tits or gtfo

>>734250247
U jelly?

>>734250515
yes

>>734250589
Dick or gtfo

>>734250515
Could you make it a combination of more stories and this >>734250589?

>>734248127
Nice one :)

>>734250643
seriously though hows that possible? are you like super skinny or just very flexible

>>734247788
No you didn't.

:)

>>734248773
We have a winner.

>>734250897
No. No i didnt. But i did stick my dick in a vacuum. It didnt feel good

>10 years old
>Get a magazine thing at school that explains puberty/masturbation
>Decide I want to try it out
>Wait for an afternoon when parents go out shopping
>No idea what to do, play with my clit a little
>Doesn't seem too much fun
>Stop
>Read magazine
>It mentions that insertion feels better
>"Okay, I guess"
>Don't want to make anything messy
>Go to kitchen and get one of those yellow marigold gloves mom uses to clean the dishes
>Put my hairbrush inside it, but it won't go inside
>Stop
>Read magazine
>It mentions I need to get wet or use lubrication
>Dunno what any of that means, but soap is slippery
>Get some shower gel and put it on the marigold covered hairbrush
>It slowly goes inside, like an inch, feels REALLLLY good for what it is
>No wait that burns
>Oh God it's burning
>Pull it out, start crying, go for a shower and try to wash the soap out of my vagina
>Doesn't quell the stinging and burning
>Eventually have to resign myself to the fact I'm going to have to call in mom on this one
>She asks if I did anything different to make it sore
>"No idea..."
>Pretty sure she knows
>Go to A&E
>Turns out there were traces of bleach on the marigold glove that burned the inside lining of my vagina
>Have to put a not at all soothing steroid cream inside my vagina 3 times a day for a week to build up the inner lining

TL;DR, put bleach in vagina by mistake

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>>734247687
Holy fuck... It was incredible.

>Be me
>15
>Parents coming back in a couple of hours
>Really horny
>Look online for ways to makes masturbation as pleasurable as possible
>Find one technique that supposedly gives the best orgasm possible
>It's similar to couch-humping but it's with bags of water
>Gotta fill up 4 bags of water, place them on a chair with handles, put my dick in between the middle of the four
>Do all of that
>Can't wait, start humping
>Normal orgasm
>As I relax, I put too much weight on one of the bags and it explodes
>All the other bags explodes
>My entire room is flooded
>Nervous as fuck, need to find an excuse
>Not even 5 minutes later parents knock on door
>Parents couldn't believe what they saw
>Came up with the most retarded excuse
>"I uhhh well I uhh ah yes was preparing water balloons for a party and they all popped"
>They went along with it

It was fucking crazy. Took an hour to clean the mess and my parents never knew the reason..

>>734251091
Was there any permanent damage?

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>>734248518

>>734251290
Dunno, I'd never had sex before, but sex definitely feels extremely sensitive at times. Maybe that's just what sex is? I've no before or after.

>>734251401
Huh, well if you can still come and enjoy sex, I guess no critical damage was done.

>>734247687
Got all coked up and jerked off until nothing came out and it hurt every time I came, then kept going.

Top Tier porn tho.

Stolen panties.
Snuck into friends house to steal panties or search through computer and cameras for nudes.
After sneaking in sometimes jerk off in her clothes. Like wearing them. Then releasing in them.
Taking photos without consent.
Touching/groping while the girls asleep.

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>>734247687
>be me
>about 15
>girl cousin is 10
>horny
>get a piece of gum
>rub my dick on it
>planning to give it to her
>pussy out
>she sees me with the gum
>'Anon can I have that gum'
>panic
>put gum in mouth
>'Sorry cuz already ate it'
>chew dick gum

>>734250034
Plz greentxt

>>734249972
Did you get any negative associations with.you after this? Were people calling you a nonce etc?

>>734251177
>Took an hour to clean the mess and my parents never knew the reason
>mess
>Water
>not just laying a towel down
What were they 4 gallon bags?

>>734251290
Plz answer

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>>734249972

Fucking self with pen while jacking. It was great, other then the fact that a bunch of shit was in the pen and needed rinsed.

>>734251724
There already was an answer.
Look at the other reply to my post.

>>734249972
and im calling MODS just for the lulz

>>734251843
I was too slow. When I replied there wasn't. Oh well

>>734250680
>>734250515
>>734250709
>Be me at 15
>everyone is asleep
>Starts going at it
>Dog is running up the stairs
>Dog needs to shit
>Damn it
>Takes dog out in the yard
>Has to watch the dog or else she will dig under the fence
>She is taking forever
>It's been about twenty minutes... Dog still won't go
>I'm pissed off because I have to pee now and she won't chose a spot and get done
> I really have to pee now
>Says fuck it and just peed in the yard
>Dog decided to pee also
>Damn 30 more seconds and I wouldn't have to deal with this shit
>Dog is finally done
>Dog will not come inside now
>Fuck this.jpeg
>It's really late... Probably about 3-4 pm
>Still in the mood
>Decides to just go at it outside
>Finishes... At least there's no clean up
>Goes back to my room... Best FUCKING sleep ever

>>734251797
You didn't just... throw the pen away?

>>734251848
Fuck off back to plebbit

I got a little too deep in to a relationship with a single mother. All because I wanted my dick dealt with.

Started out casually, just friends

Then we started fucking

Then she introduced me to her kids

Then she started flaunting me around in front of the dad

Then she wanted me to move in

Then she suggested we take a holiday together

Then I heard her saying to her 5 year old son to call me "daddy" and it got a bit too weird for me so I ended it

For reference, the above all happened between March and September 2013, I still see her around town, I think she's fucked up the kids by having a constant rotation of boyfriends around her at all times. Pretty sure she was dating someone else the weekend after I broke it off with her

>>734252006
and pretty sure you got std

>>734252006
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, even if I feel sorry for those kids.

>>734252006
>trying to find a new father figure
>all potential suitors get scared away because they don't want to raise a kid that's not theirs

Well, the other option is to stay single and the kid has no father figure. Damned if you do, damned if you don't

>>734251902
It was like the ultimate mother daughter bonding experience
>Yes she is my child

>>734248773
You cleaned that shit with toilet paper? I'm ashamed to be an American

>>734247788
ha h ha a aha nice one thats a keeper!! definitely not reposting this one to a reddit thread!!!

>>734252263
Telling your kid to call your new boyfriend of 5 months dad, is pretty fucked up though.
Give it a year and a half at least and only if he is showing interest in permanently staying.

>>734248122
I have gotten the head of my penis in my mouth.
>CAN CONFIRM

>>734249733
>falling for the printing jew

>be me
>alone at home
>raelly want try the glove vagina improved version that required to be fill with water
>the plueasure tool is ready
>it's near the sink
> please don't fall please don't fall please don't fall
>it fall
>ohshit.jpeg
>it took me a 15 min to clean everything
>still want make a fake vagina
>fapped with an easier version of it that day and the day after

>>734252532
Definitely didn't go about it in the best way.

It's just difficult being a single parent.

>>734248391
The mind of the weeb never gets PAST 12. It's science.

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>>734251902
Got shit loads more
>Will greentext
Bump

fapped in the balcony at 6am

>>734252664
What the fuck is your first language.

Got a glass bottle stuck in my ass and had to get it surgically removed

>>734248393
kappa

>>734251902
Wow you are such a rebel... congrats

>>734252669
I can imagine it is, jumping the shark like that won't help much though.
My dad decided to stay with my mom, in spite of her having my sister from a former relationship.
My mom never encouraged my sister to call my dad, daddy. She still doesn't, but she acknowledges that he was the closest she had for most of her childhood, in spite of going to see her bio dad at regular intervals.
Telling a kids to call someone daddy, instead of letting the kid decide for itself is also a bit fucked.

>be me
>Horny and home alone
>Knows where my mom has her vibrator
>finds some lube next to the vibrator
>goes into bathroom and locks door
>starts putting lube on the vibrator and my asshole
>try fitting it inside
>too tight
>try stretching my asshole a little with fingers
>after a short time try putting vibrator up my ass again
>starts masturbating to fight pain with pleasure
>gets it inside and it hurts like hell
>turn vibrator on and masturbates
>cums after 5 seconds
>takes vibrator out its covered in blood and shit
>MFW

>>734252901
Are you from one man one jar?
Keks

>>734252947
not sure why you'd have that reaction

>>734252980
telling a kid*

>>734253057
I know right... That's like gone mild

>>734253057
Some people are just antagonistic for the sake of it.

>>734253001
Not that guy this was a beverage glass bottle

>>734253057
It's called irony, i guess...

>>734252863
italian, why? where is the problem?
yeah i know, i need to improve my english
but jesus it's 2:30 am, half of the neurons doesn't work

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>>734248518
Neck yourself

>>734252980
>jumping the shark
I think you mean "jump the gun"

Jumping the shark is a modern literary device a TV series might use, intended to generate a resurgence in popularity, with some stunt that has no correlation with the traditional formula or plot of the show. Coined when Happy Days had Fonzee (Henry Winkler) literally jump a shark in water skis.

>>734253547
Nice kek man

>>734253200
Probably not. Irony is when you expect one thing, and the opposite happens.

>>734253521
Yeah jumping the gun was what I meant.
English is my second language, it's late here, so on and so forth, excuses.
But yeah that is what I meant.

>>734248393
You covering for yourself?

>>734253692
That's fine. It's really close. And I understand that colloquialisms don't translate well.

>>734247687
my entire adult life

commited arson using a time delayed ignition device burnt down 13 homes and killed 9 people

fire turns me on lol

>>734253547
Really nice kek there, anon. Could be improved but I'll give it a 8/10

>>734253613
Wow you must be some sort of genius, I thought you would never figure the difference between irony and sarcasm, damn you really got me there...

>>734248773
>cleaning shit off your dick with toilet paper
DISGUSTING UN AMERICAN
>cleaning shit off your ass with toilet paper
CLEAN SMOOTH HYGENIC

Here we see the logic of a disgusting american shitass

>>734253927
You're the one saying wrong things for the sake of just speaking.

In in school suspension, an annex right outside of school, 7th grade. Each person basically gets their own cubicle, separated by a thin wall.

>Horny as fuck and bored
>Wearing a big ass hoodie, use it as cover
>Pull my cock out through my pants and start stroking
>It was so hot, knowing I could be caught at any moment
>Then I thought of where I was going to cum
>Teacher had stepped out, most kids in the room are asleep, don't have much time until he's back
>Stand up out of the desk and walked into the cubicle next to mine
>Hot ass fucking Mexican girl asleep, I can see her thong and that puts me over the edge
>I positioned myself right next to her head, the hoodie blocking vision
>I cum hard, ropes of cum landing on her face, hair and lips
>Quickly get back in my seat, put cock away
>Teacher comes back in, not knowing what just happened
>10 mins later, I hear the girl waking up, I hear
a silent "What the fuck?"
>I'm shitting my pants at this point, I almost for sure thought she was going to make a scene
>Then I hear sounds that you make when you suck something off your fingers
>This fucking bitch just wiped my cum off and sucked it off her fingers
>Lunch comes around, I get sat right across from her at the table
>I'm smiling like a dumb fuck, "Did it taste good?" The look on her face
>"That was you? It wasn't that bad honestly."

And that is how I started a relationship with a beaner for 3 years. She got pregnant and moved away, I still think about her beautiful plump pussy.

>>734254000
Trips of truth

>>734253804
Yeah, I'm still kind of kicking my own ass for it though.
I pride myself on my english proficiency and thought I had a good handle on colloquialisms.
You got what I was trying to say anyway, so I should stop cringing because of a minor mistake.

>>734254055
Glad you noticed that for me anon

>>734247687
slapped my tallywacker everywhere

>>734254113
You'd be surprised how many fluent speakers can't keep their shit straight.

This is actually a common mistake, since the saying is so similar.

>>734253000
Nice trips

Once I choked my self with a dog lead
>Greentext?

>>734249087
Hey fry

>>734254278
No need. Sounds like you covered it all.

>>734254254
Yeah I know. I just dislike doing something wrong, even if I do force myself to own up to it when I do.

I like the thrill of someone exposing sensitive/discrete pics that I really shouldn't have shared with them. Along with sensitive info of the girl being exposed.

Those "pics you shouldn't share" threads are the shit. Wish it wasn't me that was posting tho.

Also who would like the story of how I realised that I might be a pervert

>>734254579
Bump

>>734254579
Don't ask, tell.
People will reward you on the merit of your story.

>>734254344
U N D E R R A T E D

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>>734254579
DANAL BUMP

>>734249047
We're all fucked up

>>734254752
That's not what I posted

Tried to put my middle finger in her asshole while having my index finger in her pussy thinking it would blow her 15 year old mind (i was 16)

>>734254823
Just tell the fucking story you muthalovin dingle eater

>>734251091
>wash the soap out of my vagina
TITS OR GTFO

>>734254950
You don't get it man. I posted a picture of Stephen Colbert and it's a picture of the ninja turtles

>>734247687
Tricked my gf into fucking 2 negros. That shit was so fucking hot. Unfortunately i was disgusted by her right after busting the nut of my life. broke up with her the same night.

So, pro tip: dont let cuckolding porn fool u

>>734255129
I don't see the problem anon, TMNT have more integrity than Stephen Colbert, so it's a trade up.

>>734255274
It never fooled me in the first place, nothing about a cheating girlfriend and humiliation turns me on.
Good on you for learning from your mistakes though.

>>734251509
I've gotten to the point before where nothing comes out

Fucked my grandmum.

>>734251091
I came

Used acne cream as lube. My dick was dry, crusty, and itchy for a month

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I used to let a male dog's fuck me while I jacked off.
When I was about 12 I jacked off with shit in the shower.
Dick in vacuum and made various vacuum devices.
I outgrew all that.

I still stick things in my ass, let a guy blow me(although I'm repulsed by male bodies), go to brothels, fuck a crack head, live a married life with kids.

>>734255539
This notion makes me mildly nauseous, but story?

>>734251549
>Chew dick gum

My fucking sides.

>>734255347
Fair enough but that's not the first time it happened. I'm getting kinda scared here

>>734254075
Youre probably the luckiest dude alive for getting away with that and her

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>>734254075
In this post we see a fine case of shit that didn't happen

>>734255274
So you forced your gf to get raped by multiple people, then broke up with her after your own bad decision making.

>>734255622

>Be 14
>Dead Grandpa for near a decade
>Always close with GMA
>Lives with me and mum
>Mum goes away for some nursing gig that pays well for several weeks
>GMA is probably 52
>Haven't really masterbated yet
>Sitting watching a movie next to GMA
>Asks me to share blanket because she is cold
>Sure why not it's big
>Start getting kinda sleepy
>Suddenly feel a hand move down over my crotch
>Young dick takes seconds to get diamonds
>Suddenly my dick is being jerked and getting lost to the pleasure
>Stops and kinda have a wtf moment
>Open eyes but don't see GMA
>Suddenly wet warmth envelops my cock
>Oh fuck!
>Like maybe 20-40 seconds bust my first watery but
>Light headed and drooling
>Dick still hard
>GMA straddles me, still in a stupor
>Suddenly my lil dick slides into something wet and warm
>Holy shit, still sensitive but feels good
>Grandma starts thrusting down hard
>She moans and is probably cumming as I near scream and shoot another tiny water boy load inside of her
>Panting and weak she gets up and goes to bed
>Never talked about it since

>>734255896
4chan fucks up the posting system from time to time, has happened to me in the past as well.
Nothing to worry about, somewhere else on here, some dude is really surprised at his TMNT image coming out as Stephen Colbert.

>>734255896
It happens when you post an image at the same time another anon posts an image. For some reason the code looks for the timestamps of the post to correlate with the picture you attach with the post. If someone posts at the same time, one image is discarded and both posts show the same image (sometimes the thumbnail is fucked up).

>>734254751
>>734254752
>>734254753

>>734255465
Glad u dont have to deal with stuff like that. Im actually fairly alpha in general, but when i get REALLY horny, my mind is just a pile of shit. My dad raped me as a kid so thats probably the reason for that. Idk

>decided to do copious amounts of drugs
>went to river with degenerates
>drugs get me horny
>strip down to nothing because holy fuck this grass feels good
>starts finger blasting myself til ex bf notices
>he is too high to notice
>a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do
>grabs nearby stick and rubs against pusspuss
>when I finally awaken from my horny trance realize it was poison oak
>kms

>>734256125
Right. Thats why it belongs in this here thread

>>734256397
Ok neither of those posts line up with what I said so maybe I'm wrong.

>>734256401
Sorry to hear about what your dad did to you, have you received any therapy for that?

>>734256541
Damn. Just sounds like the plot to a fucked up movie.

used conditioner as lube

>>734256507
Oh fuck that must've sucked.
Must burn worse than Gollum being tied down by elf rope.

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>>734256507

Inserted stinging nettles into my anus. It was stupid since I barely felt it.

>>734247687
>Be in the Navy
>Be on ship
>Have dope
>Go down to supply locker like normal to hide out
>Float a boat
>Horny af
>Need something in my ass while I fap for max nut
>Locking mechanism for dogging the door is at perfect height to do the job
>Pull pants down
>Lube it with a type of lotion in supply closet
>Slide down onto cold steel rod
>feelsgoodman
>Alternating strokes and squats
>Feel handle jiggle back and forth in my anus
>apocalypsehascome.gif
>Someone trying to enter
>Too scared to move
>Handle jiggling causes uncontrollable Nutting
>Spaghetti spraying out of my dick and leaking from eyes
>One final jerk on the handle slips it from my anus
>Fall on floor
>Door creaks open
>It's my CO
>He's a velociraptor
>I am Alan Grant
Fuck

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>>734248168
VERY cool where did you bury her?
whats your name and address?
i want details

You dont even know


>parents asked how you got poison oak
>quickly says I pet a dog with my hand and must have spread other places
?
>believed me for 5 months

>>734256689
Shut up, nerd.

>>734256706
So you intended to feel it?

>Used a thing full of bubbles as something to insert in my ass
>I'm stroking my cock and riding this thing, eventually I let go and cum from getting railed
>I sat it down in my room, there it stayed for a few days
>My sister and niece come over, immediately my niece grabs the bubbles
>She was happy as can be, playing with something I recently had in my ass

>>734256902
Suck my vinegary balls, Chad.

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>>734250515
>10 for $10
My nigga, shopping at Kroger

>>734256882
Did you fess up after 5 months or something?

>>734252719
pls do

>>734256958
certainly, I'm hardcore like that

>>734251848
calm down la

>>734256563
Nope. I cant and dont want to tell anybody irl

>>734256618
I wish it was. I miss her

>Let my dog lick my cock until I explode countless time, she loves the taste of my cum
>Same dog also likes to lick my asshole and balls from behind

>>734252947
Leave please

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>>734256974

>>734251797
Did the same shit with a pencil, not bad

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>>734256974
NEEERRRDDDSSSS

>>734254075
what age were you?

>4am, on 4chan
>Some dumb roll thread means I have to put a sharpie in my pooper
>Feelsgoodman.jpeg
>Get used to it being in my ass
>Want something bigger
>Get cucumber and olive oil from downstairs
>Spend 30 minutes inserting cucumber into my ass
>Get it about 2/3rds in, fucking hell it's tight
>Crouch on floor for another 10 minutes while fapping
>Gigantic fucking moth buzzes my face and spooks me
>I squeeze my ass unvoluntarily
>Cucumber soaked and dripping in incredibly slippy olive oil shoots forth from my ass like a Saturn V rocket
>Smacks into bedroom wall, oil everywhere
>Give up, go take a shower to clean off
>Go to sleep, room smelling of olive oil, poo, and shame.

>>734257438
Go read some books, it might calm you down.

>>734257711
Well look on the bright side anon, your story made me laugh.

>>734257711
lols

>>734257711
You're not alone anon

>>734257868
>>734257902
>>734257916
Also I put a paintbrush in my dick once, I might still have the photo.

fessed up after 5 months bc got sent to rehab for drug overdose
kek

>>734258012
No thanks.

Seems no one remembers to call their grandma on mother's day around here.

>>734247788
The term blowing or blasen in german always confused me...for a short period i tought that they blow through your cornhole lol...
So one day after analyzing a bj in a porn movie it stuck in my head...later i put two fingers in my mouth trying to understand..suddenly my teacher comes by sees me...
>Huh ?
>Oh i just cut my fingers
I was dumb but hell i was smart in situations like these lol

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>>734257740

>>734247687
I once put a lockbox out in my yard containing handcuff keys about 400 feet from my house. Then I gave myself a big enema with the key to the box in my ass and held it in with a buttplug, handcuffed my hands behind my back and handcuffed my legs together and locked myself out of the house. Naked. With nipple clamps on and a ballgag in my mouth.

It then had to hobble over to the lockbox. Nipples on fire, stomach cramping in pain... It took 30 minutes. I then shit the plug and enema out on the grass. I had to lay down in my own wet shit to get the key then wriggle over to the lock box to finally get the key out.

I masturbated right there on the lawn and came all over myself, tasting my cum and shit.

Then I went back inside and took a shower.

>>734258103
Huh, well okay then.
Did rehab go well for you?

>>734257669
13

>>734258362
So you get this flustered about someone making a Lord of the rings reference, on this site that is basically dedicated to nerd culture and hobbies?
Are you sure you're in the right place?

please, I require moar greentext about vaginas

>>734258645

Shit is your name Arianna?

>>734248127
i c u p

hey wait

>>734250515
have you ever talked about it with other grills?
is it a common thing to experiment like this?

>>734252006
Her name wasnt Taryn by chance anon?

>>734254075
>She got pregnant and moved away,
wait a moment. something's wrong about this sentence

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>Steal 20 pairs of my stepsister panties
>my mom finds them while cleaning my room

I also came in her toothbrush .
>mfw

>>734258886
I'm a dude you dumb nigger. Did you even read my story?

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>>734248122
How you get so flexible?

>>734259185

Wrong click. Oh well.

>>734258420
Not sure if disgusted or jealous...

>>734258420
Bet your neighbors avoid you.

>>734258420
>>734259808
I don't have any neighbors really. The nearest house to mine is almost a mile away

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>Walking near river
>It was in a forest-like area where not many people passed by
>At that time i was learning about exhibithionism and such
>Suddendly get horny as fuck
>Look for a place to do it
>See some bushy spot near the little path that lead to the river
>Go there
>Pull my pants all the way down and start jerking off
>The adrenaline plus the hornyness makes it feel awesome
>Pull up my shirt to be completely naked
>The feeling of being naked and exposed outside made me feel like crazy
>The breeze hitting my cock and balls was one of the best things i've ever felt
>About to cum
>Some girls that were going to bath on the river see me at the distance
>They look at me in shock
>Barely manage to pull up my pants with my trembling hands
>Run like a jew being chased by the SS
>Got home and finish
>Probably bust the hardest nut of my life
I still get hard thinking about that day.

>>734251401
>I've never had sex before
>sex feels sensitive
Are you fucking retarded

>>734260434
Read that again it said I'd as in I had, not I've.

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Fucked an ugly hooker. Twice.

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>>734247687
Well I once fucked an Angelica doll thinking that I would get something out of it. pic related
I also used my dad's pocket pussy and my mom's dildos plenty of times.
Also tried to fuck my dog
I was an extremely horny kid.

>>734260913
At least you lost your virginity

>>734247687
I once went two weeks without pooping because the thought that I wasn't pooping turned me on so much.

Just like, I would eat and eat and the thought of the shit just building up and building up and building up in my belly and that I could get it out of me, but I made myself keep it in on purpose really turned me on for some reason.

>>734260993
what was the dog's reaction?

>>734261327
Well that is certainly odd, didn't it fuck you over after a bit?

>>734247687
Jerked off in a mental hospital once

>>734260623
I had never had sex is the same as I have never had sex you fucking retard

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>>734247687
I went into the ask.fm of a girl i knew and told her she had a nice fat ass.She replied with some question marks and days later she deleted her profile.

>>734261479
Didn't really do anything, cause I couldn't get my dick in.
Pretty fucking glad I couldn't to be honest, cause I would have kept doing it.

>>734261607
It refers to the time it happened anon.
At that time, she had never had sex, so she wouldn't know if it made a difference to it, since she had only ever had sex after it had happened.

>>734247687

>Be dating this fat chick because I was horny and just wanted any pussy.

>Decided to take her to a fancy steak dinner.

>Pick her up and take her to Applebees.

>So we get in and I order us the 2 for $20 deal they got going on because, why the fuck wouldn't you?

>She rolls her eyes at that, but whatever. It's a great deal.

>Then she orders her steak rare.

>I think you mean "cooked", I say. In other words well-done.

>No, she tells me that she doesn't like tough steak and wants rare.

>I tell her whatever, it's your life I guess and if you want to eat meat full of bacteria and viruses go ahead.

>I try to spend dinner educating her on the dangers of food poisoning and the dangers of under-cooked meat

>She just kept blowing me off and was getting pissed so I eventually dropped it.

>We spend the ride home in silence.

>When I get to her house to drop her off I say I would give her a kiss good night.

>Then I say I can't because I don't want to get sick too.

>Fucking bitch just gets out and slams the door without saying anything.

Crazy bitch.

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>>734261266
Worst part is, I wasn't. Just had a really long and desperate dry spell

>>734261894
A bit out of context, but I kek'd pretty hard there

>>734261894
You got pissy about her eating a rare steak, while not knowing that the surfaces on a steak that could contain bacteria is literally the parts getting cooked.
Now if we're talking minced meat, it is a different story, since that is basically one big surface for bacteria to live in, so a burger for example, needs to be well done if you want to avoid bacteria 100%.
Good job on cockblocking yourself.

>>734261894
Dude you're the crazy one lol rare steak is bomb

>>734261894
>>When I get to her house to drop her off I say I would give her a kiss good night.
>>Then I say I can't because I don't want to get sick too.


LOL

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>>734261894
10/10 presentation, I like how you narrate as if you're the victim here. Applebees isn't "fancy steak dinner", it's fucking Applebees. Then you proceed to indicate you're a limp-wristed pussy for the remainder of the evening.

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I think the stupidity gets worse as I get older.
>married with kids
>wife goes all frigid after last kid born
>puts out once every month or two
>get vasectomy
>fuck all kinds of randoms from craigslist and tinder
>once let a guy suck my dick

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>>734254959
>SHOW TITS LOLOL
>Am I still le newfaggy ::DDD ?

>>734247687
Fucked ugly bitches

Also, almost everything I regret in my life has been because of horney

Stupidest shit ever was when I used a sleeping kids feet to masturbate.

I don't regret it, but the situation was very stupid of me.

>>734263739
Go directly to jail... do not pass go

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>>734263739
How old were you...?

>>734258244
Yeah I always figured I would understand why it's called a blowjob when I'm older. Wrong!

>>734247687
fuck a hoe knowing she would tell everyone and ruin my reputation

>>734247687
>Be me 12 at boy scout camp for 2 weeks

>Make up wrestling game in tent on first day

>Evolve game over several days. It gets weird.

>Decide it would be a good idea to wrestle naked.

>The dozen or other boys oddly do not find this gay, but rather seem to embrace the challenge.

>We all take turns wrestling naked.

>One boy shouts that the loser has to suck to winners dick on the next round.

>Everyone agrees. I agree. Shit. I am in the next round.

>I win the next round. My dick gets sucked.

>I actually enjoyed this. I came in his mouth.

>I feel super awkward afterward and did not participate in any additional matches though they continued for the rest of the week.

I am not gay and have no sexual attraction toward men then or now or ever. This was almost 20 years ago. Only the horniness of youth had me go along with it as I did.

The kid that sucked my dick is now an open homosexual as are two of the other boys in the troop. Nothing wrong with that, but it does explain how things went as far as they did.

Lost my virginity in a park to a man I knew for like three months online

fuck my roomate back then, so akward all along

Got a 16yo to send me nudes when I was 23.

>>734250589
not how it works

>>734261553
While I was stuck in a mental ward, I made out with and finger blasted two different girls that were there because they tried to kill themselves, one had a boyfriend on the outside. After I got out I ended up dating the single girl for a while.

>>734254959
not how it works you retard

>>734247687
I once swallowed the end of a long length of rope and spent the next 4 days slowly feeding it through my digestive system until the other end came out my ass.

Then I tied the two ends together. For fun.

After a couple days I cut the rope and fed it out of me.

That's all there is to the story. The end.

>>734267088
God anon I'm so erect now tell me more

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>>734249498

>>734267088
>>734267223
but... that was the end.

I already said so

>>734257711
my sides

>>734263739
Was it a girl?
That's my fetish

Axe bodyspray on scrotum.

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>>734249039

>>734247687
One time while horny I masturbated
True story Fam

>>734247687
>be me
>be 14
>be horny
>put my dick in a soda bottle
>get hard
>fuck bottle
>get off
>try to pull out
>dick is stuck
>wait to go limp
>bottle is acting as a cock ring
>boner won't go away
>freak the fuck out
>use cooking oil as lube
>very slowly work my dick out
>still get abrasions on my dick

>>734259040
>in her toothbrush

That must have been a feat.

>>734259222
all my life training to suck my own dick
since i was just a wee lad
i can dt myself now, pretty weird

>>734247687
Once stuffed about 4 yards of aquarium hose up my penis and into my bladder.


It got stuck when I tried to pull it out.


I spent Hours of panicking and dreading an ER visit. Blood was seeping out of my dick from my yanking on the hose, desperately trying to remove it.

I finally managed to get it out with the help of a syringe straightening it out a short length at a time by blowing air into the hose.

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>>734247687
>When I was 14, I bought a anal vibrator off amazon
>vibrator arrives, parents don't know.
>I heard that taking a bath before using one will give better results.
>After bath, I go lay on my bed and put it up pooper
>I'm not feeling anything
>I get so bored I fell asleep with it still in my ass vibrating.
>wake up next morning tucked in bed
>Oh fuck.jpg
>mfw

>>734268509
Did you lose your sounding fetish after that?

>>734268603
This... can't be true...

Who tucks in their 14 year old

>>734268806
loving parents

>>734268509
This is the most disturbing thing I've read in a while.

>>734268610
lol no of course not.

I stick to safer sounding games now.

I don't stick anything in there that I am not 100% sure I cannot get back out.

>>734268888
Quads of truth.
>>734268981
Well at least you learned a bit from your mistakes.

>>734268888
But they didn't even check your asshole for obstructions before leaving?

>>734269134
That's a bit too loving of a parent anon, most people don't do that.

>>734247687
Put sister's used pants in mouth and sucked on them while fapping. God how I want to lick her skin and pussy.

>>734269134
It was gone when I woke up.

>>734248610
yikes, but gj you got some fuck

>>734268603
was the vibrator still in your ass when you woke up?

>>734268806
you need more love from your momma
>>734269134
you need less

>>734269330
You should get help before you fuck her up mentally anon.

>>734248243
Oh jesus

I jacked off with my ex girlfriends sisters panties a couple of times.

>smelled better than ex gf

>>734263465
>I'm going to make fun fun this guy by abiding by 4chan law so he looks like a newfag in the hopes that other people will assume that oldfags are actually newfags using old memes to seem like oldfags, thus diverting attention away from myself in the future so I won't look like a newfag by going
>SHOW TITS LOLOL
>Am I still le newfaggy ::DDD ?
Nice try

>>734265428
Why?

>be 10
>walk to front door to get the mail
>front door is sectioned off from the rest of the house by a lightly frosted glass door
>have an itch
>pull my pants down
>start masturbating for some reason
>get fully naked and masturbate vigorously
>doorbell rings
>realise grandma and my step grandpa are coming
>trying to finish up quick before answering the door
>forget that my family is home
>dad comes to answer the door but i can't stop now
>he walks straight past me without even looking and opens the door to my grandparents
>i force myself to climax just as my entire family congregates on the porch
>let out a big fart completely by accident
>i tried to kill myself the next day by hanging myself with a shoe lace. i still have the scar

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>>734269430
Jokes on you

>>734269638
yeah
jokes on me

>>734269333
What.

So did you ever find it again.

You should ask about it now if not

>>734269333
What happened afterwards?

I went to this disgusting porn theater near my house and jacked off some weird dude with a giant cock.
I've never been more ashamed than the moment I walked out of there.

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>>734269330
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU FIT A WHOLE PAIR OF PANTS IN YOUR MOUTH?

ARE YOU A PREDATOR?

Tries to sneak a spank in but I lost my spaghetti and it was only half hearted and came out like an awkward butt touch

>>734269831
if he's british pants doesn't mean what you think

>>734269608
You should have succeeded. You are obviously too stupid to live.

>>734269751
Weird how just walking out of a building would give so much shame. I thought jacking off the stranger would have done it.

>>734269831
i'm not the person you're responding to, and it's cool that you're trying to be clever and everything, but in some places, pants are underwear. like in the UK where i'm from

your 'pants' are what we call trousers

>>734269608
What was the aftermath of this exceedingly idiotic display of pure horniness?

>300 replies
>not one fresh prince or walk the dinosaur copypasta.

>>734248480
Oh fucking kek

>>734269724>>734269746
I did eventually bring it up to my mom when I was in my 20s. And said she removed it. I assume it's either in the trash or somewhere still in the house.

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>>734257049
Hey I'm back... Sorry for the late reply hope you are still here anon
One of my more fucked up sexual experiences was the time I decided to try self bondage
>I was 15 at the time
>Had been browsing through bondage porn and I stumbled upon a site about self bondage
>I decided to try it
>I also Incorporated self sadistic aspects
>Start
>I had a long hard day at school and I needed to relax... I went downstairs to the basement to get some ropes, clothes pins, and some tacks
>I snuck everything up to my room
>I went back to the main floor to collect other supplies... I needed a dog lead
>I told my mother that I was not feeling well and I was going to take a nap
>I figured that should get me about 3 hours of uninterrupted time alone
> I begin to set up everything
>The first thing I did was loop the leash to make a slip lead... I put it around my neck
>I put the handle of the lead on my foot so it would tighten if I stretched my legs
>I wrapped and tied the rope around my legs to bind them... But just lose enough so I could extend my legs by an inch or two
>I had a electric toothbrush without a head... I slipped one of those things white gloves over it
>I slathered it with petroleum jelly and inserted it into myself
>Next was the top half... I wrapped the rope around my breasts so that it hut badly
>My arms are still movable and I clamp the clothes pins to my nipples
>I was itching for my daily ritual... I figured that it would tie in with what I was doing... I always had a blade on me
>I cut the tops of my arms and let the blood run down
>I then used a looped knot to bind my wrists so I couldn't move unless I absolutely had to
>Want more?

Pulled into a neighborhood, stripped butt naked behind some trees and had myself a quickie. It was next to a highway where someone COULD see me if they happened to be looking.

>>734270108
>>734269998
I THOUGHT THE BRITISH CALLED PANTIES WERE REFERRED TO AS UNDERFRILLIEIDDILLIETIDDILIES

>meet a kid who posts on /b/ all the time
>find out he's racist
>find out he hates muslims
>find out he thinks rape is hilarious
>beat the shit out of him
>break his nose, fuck him up real good
>yank down his pants
>fuck his asshole
>blow a HUGE load in his butt
>spit on him
>he's crying like a baby
>say, thought you were alpha, bitch
>better watch yourselves, anon cowards

>>734270177
Are you complaining or happy?

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>>734270438

>>734270225
Ok. But how did she react? Did you ask what she thought when it happened? Or was it just a quick conversation in passing?

>hello
>hello
>did you pull a vibrator out of my ass when I was younger?
>yep.
>cool. what's for supper?

>>734270514
A bit disappointed.

>>734270344
i get that this is a funny le reddit meme about the english, but can you give me some actual examples where we use words like "rumple pumpleydumple" and all that bullshit?