Stupidest shit youve done while horny?

bought those porn videos that are $1 than realise after i nutted that they make you pay $30 after the $1 free trial expires. long process to cancel them

>>733845643
>1$
>free trial
Do you have autism anon?

>>733845540
Sucked off my older brother. He was 63, I was 59.
>feelsgoodman.jpg

>>733845886
faggot.


now tell the story.

>>733846020
Not much of a story. I live alone, nice place.
He's married, shitty relationship, holy roller wife, won't put out.
Came over one night, we killed a fifth of Jack, go horny, started talking about shit,
>"You ever been with a guy?"
>"Yeah, you?"
>"Hell, yeah!"
>"Want a blow job?"
>Sure! You?"
letsdothis.avi

>>733845540
cheated on my gf

i was having sex with my ex and i accidentally moaned my best friends name now shes convinced im gay but i was actually thinking about my homie because he was the one that told me about the sex move i tried on her i swear

>>733846294
How fucking old are you?
Post pic plox

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>>733846750
I'm 62. And I'm not about to post my pic.
>Unless my face is blurred...

>>733847058
Timestamp Please anon

>>733847058
How did you find 4chan, what about this place makes a old timer want to post?

>>733845540
paid for porn

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>>733847172
Well, I didn't just take that outdoor pic, obviously, so this'll have to do...
>>733847238
Been a /b/tard since near the beginning, just something to do occasionally to kill time, keeps me young. (It's true, you're only as old as you feel.)

>>733847238
loneliness

same reason he blew his brother

>>733847858
you are literally an old fag

>>733847858
Fucking hell, how you doing dude? How's life treating you?

I nominate the old man for most pathetic /b/tard

lmao this old guy is awesome

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>>733846749
thank you anon 10/10

>>733848133
Well, better off than ol' Bill, so far!
>>733848188
I would agree if I was on here all the fucking time, but not the case, I do have a life, unlike most of you pathetic 12 year olds.
>>733848292
Thanks, anon...

>>733847858
>#733847172
Fucking newfag

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>>733848422
Oldbro witnessed
Even if you did suck your brother off

>>733848422
>pathetic 12 year olds
>sucks his brothers dick
>browses /b/ at fucking 60 years old

>>733848130
Underrated post

>>733845540
Fucked a warm toaster strudel

>>733848422
If you could tell your 12 year old self one thing what would it be?

>>733848546
lolwut? How did him putting the post number he was responding to make him a newfag? You one of his 12 year olds he mentioned?

>>733847858
Just popped in to witness an actual oldfag
Sup you old faggot?

>>733848750
brace yourself for a life of loneliness and pathetic choices

>>733848649
I mean, at 60 years old I find it great that he's still on 4chan..
I'm 21 and all my grandparent do is watch tv... Dosent even know how a keyboard works..smh

>>733848837
That's deep. It makes me want to give up now, and I'm only 20 years through this shit hole

>>733848800
stop sucking virtual dick anon its just sad

>>733848800
The hashtag part, lurk more you newfag

>>733845540
>Stupidest shit youve done while horny?
Impregnated crazy

>>733848937
see
>>733848962

>>733848750
Well, you can't really tell a 12yo anything that they'll listen to, but if I could impress on younger people one or two important things, I guess it would be 1.) get ALL the education you can. Even if it's not in an area you want to work in, serious, high-wage employers put a lot of weight on the fact that you had the discipline to stick with your education until you got at leas a BS if not a masters, and
2) PUT AWAY EVERY CENT YOU CAN TOWARDS RETIREMENT!!!! Fortunately, I learned that one from my dad, so now I can enjoy life without having to worry.

>>733847858
holy motherfucking hell youre way too old to be on here

>>733849099
Well I haven't got anything to worry about when it comes to education, I have a shit ton of qualifications, just beginning to find work. Thanks for the wise words oldfag

>>733847858
Oh wise Grandpa-san, teach me the key to happiness ;_;

>>733849268
suck your brothers cock

>>733847858
Hi dad

>>733849367
I'm fucked then cuz I got no brothers kek :'(

>>733848970
Yeah, well, it's only a hashtag to you punk kids... in the real world, it's called a "number sign."
>>733848837
Nah, have been married 35+years, 3 great kids, 6 awesome grandkids, had a great career doing what I loved, now enjoying the fruits of my labors, just pop in here once in a while to have a chuckle at the wacky shit you kids get up to.
>>733849127
NEVER too old for anything, unless you give up and convince yourself you're too old. Just spend the day on the river in my kayak, tomorrow off to camp out in the national forest for a few days, sitting still in front of a monitor too much is what's gonna make you old.>>733849268
Learn to appreciate what you have, instead of always struggling to acquire more. Express gratitude to the Universe daily.

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when i was 14 i microwaved a cantaloupe for a really long time

didn't realize the center was gonna be hot as fuck, burnt my dick on some fruit

>>733849513
wise words


wise words from a man that had oral sex with his brother

>>733846294
smfh. White people.

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>>733849641

nah he just don't give a shit

fucking savage gramps

>>733845540
When I was 16 and had no self-awareness I used to compulsively draw cartoonish furries with erections no matter where I was. Notebooks in class, paper placemats restaurants, activity papers in the psych ward, just out in the open where anyone could've seen it.

>>733849716
of course he doesnt hes gonna die soon anyways

>>733849658
Incest isn't a problem for you because you've never met your family Jamal.

>>733846749
Maximum overkek

>>733849513
>>733849513
I am thankful for everything I have now, even if it at times it isn't much. The universe hmmm, were you ever religious, or what are your thoughts on religion if I may inquire?

Hello r/4chan
Reeeeeeee

>>733849878
atleast im not 60 years old

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Get HSV-2. Had it for 2 years and haven't had an outbreak. I smoke weed though almost daily too. I read online that it can slow down or inhibit the virus but that could also be bullshit. Either way I was a dumbass when I did it and I dont even get laid hardly ever (before obviously) now been sketchin cuz I'm not going to give it to anyone lol

What a world ma dudes

>>733845540
tried paint as lube.

I was like 9 and a horny little imp of a kid. Didn't know how shit worked.

Red paint if anyone's wondering. It felt fine for like 5 seconds but quickly started solidifying on my dick so I hopped into the shower.

I ALSO tried Ben Gay/Icy Hot- again, because I was a retarded kid and didn't know how shit worked.

It wasn't as hellish as people say it's going to be. Not on my dick anyway. I didn't rub it all over my balls, which is probably a good thing.

>>733845540
Happened 12 years ago, feels like yesterday.

>Be 13
>working on beef farm
>fixed fences, fed steers, put them out to roam, come back to farm.
>owner leaves to take his wife to dinner, I'm alone with just me, calf, and one of the breeding cows
>crack a beer, think about two nights ago, first time fingering a qt in town behind the hardware store
>13 year old pecker instantly throbbing
>on my 3rd beer, staring at calf nursing from cow
>idea.png
>"I bet that cow pussy feels a lot like girl pussy"
>toss beer, jump into pen with cow and calf
>cow skittish because calf is in pen
>reach out to stroke cow puss
>cow kicks me right in the hip, I spin and go down
>jump up with fury in my eyes
>run out of pen, grab rope and bucket, rope calf and drag it to adjoining pen
>sit, seethe, and wait for cow to get distracted and stick its head into feeder
>furiously stroking cock while staring at cow
>as soon as it heads to the feeder, I vault into pen and set bucket behind it
>climb onto bucket, grab tail to the side, start massaging p00snay
>cow allows me to do this after a few attempts
>ram my benis into cow pussy, pump and cum in seconds
>best nut of my teen life

Got better in my technique and fucked the cows many times after, this cow was my favorite. Slut even did anal.

>>733849567
Been there homie.

>>733849795
Dunno, maybe, but I've sure as hell enjoyed the ride. And for the record, my old man is still alive and kickin' at 92. How many people my age do you know who still get phone calls from their dad to discuss some new technique he's picked up in Photoshop? We built our first computers together back in the early 80's, and have been balls-to-the -wall techies ever since.
>>733849942
I was raised by a VERY holy-roller type mother, but once I was able to think for myself, I realized what a waste of time it was to pretend to believe in yet another mythology. There may be some force/power/guide at work in the universe, but certainly no Thundermuffin God.

>fucked myself with a mason jar
>decided to film it
>went terribly

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>>733850147
I thought this would've just been a regular cow fucking story.

>>733850263
have you ever told your father about your sexual episode with your older brother?

about how you took his old withered cock and slowly drew on it knowing that was your brothers johnson youre brushing your teeth with

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>>733850147
>slut even did anal

All of my keks

>>733850315
iseewhatyoudidthar.gif

>>733850263
have you sucked your old man off too?

>>733850315
did it borked?

>>733845540
I ducked a subway once then ate it.

>>733850470
Nah, sex in general is not something I've ever had much convo about with the old man.
And as for your assumption about "old withered cock", it was actually a rather nice specimen. And that's another thing that comes with youth and matures over time... you become aware of how absolutely foolish it is to get hung up on labels like gay, fag, lez, etc., etc... as an old song from my generation (correctly) states "If it feels good, do it!" As long as whatever is happening is between consenting adults, it's all good!

> middleschool
> jogging for PE class
> girl in front of me has a nice ass
> get boner
> girl jogging me behind notices
> grabs my hand and takes me behind school
> i dont know what the fuck is happening
> she asks if i want her to help me
> thankyougod.gif
> cant even speak so i nod
> she tells me to take it out
> so nervous i lose my erection
> tell "1 sec"
> start whacking it behind a door to get it hard
> erection achieved
> feelsgood
> i cant stop
> cum right there

thats when things got bad

> afraid she'll notice so i put it back in my pants
> tell her ill be right back and go around school
> in a panic I decide to make a run for it
> walking back to where the class is jogging when PE teacher sees me
> flips her shit. says she's going to call my parents for skipping
> i start crying
> class comes over to see what's going on
> then the girl comes out from behind school
> teacher is speechless
> i panic again and say the girl made me do it
> girl gets mad. starts shouting about what happened for everyone to hear
> whole class laughs at me
> parents are called
> i get suspended

i asked my mom to change schools so i wouldn't have to go back
now im 19 and prob a virgin for life
i fucked up the best day of my life

>>733850147
>>733850405
Forgot to mention the dumb part. This was before 13 year old me even considered condoms, and cows aren't exactly know for their vaginal hygiene (seeing as their asshole is directly above...) Got UTI, doctor had to tell my mom, they were very interested in finding out how a 13 year old boy got a UTI (uncommon in males and almost always happens to them from sex). Had to piss like every 20 mins for like a week, and it came out like fire. Later found out that one of the older hands figured out what had happened, but we teamed up to fuck the cows together (no homo) so it was cool.

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>>733850768
youre an incredibly old homo that blew his brother off

>>733850690
Borked hard m8

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>>733850842
>so it was cool

>>733850842
You threw me for another loop. I pray someone finds you one day to write comedy sketches. idk if you're serious, but this shit is hilarious.

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>>733850147
>slut even did anal

You fucking champion

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>>733850989
>12 years old
>thinking your opinion matters to anybody
>mfw

>>733850263
Dude I'm about to start in the IT industry any tips?

>>733851141
blow your brother off

Put yogurt on my dick to get a cat to lock it.

>>733851131
said the lonely 60 year old /b/tard

>>733851059
I'm serious, not sure what the funny part is. Pretty common around where I grew up, just one of those things that stays between the farm hands. Owners pay thousands for a couple ounces of prime breeding bull semen, so they don't take kindly to us mongoloids filling up their breeders with our tainted seed.

>>733847058
hot

>>733851240
did it lock it good?

>>733851240
The stupid part is you didn't have to waste good yogurt in order to achieve this.

>>733851007
fark

>>733851240
You and your cat are into some kinky shit.

>>733851385
lmfao

>>733849735
Psych ward what

>>733851141
1.) Subscribe to (and read) all the tech blogs/sites/journals you can and stay ahead of your co-workers on the latest trends/developments
2.) Always try to do a little more than is expected of you. "Good enough" might keep you employed, but going the extra mile will get you promoted.
3.) Keep a close eye on work/life balance. It's great to enjoy your work, but don't let it consume you 24/7, have hobbies/interests that are totally opposite to what you do professionally. It recharges your batteries!

>>733851051
Yeah, turns out he was fucking the cows too, so he hit me up with some tips (use condoms) and we would help each other get the cows into the harness we use to hold them in one place in the cattle run. Easier cuZ they can't run away or kick, so they get hornier quicker when you rub them.

>>733851492
>have hobbies/interests that are totally opposite to what you do professionally.

like blowing brothers cock

>>733851313
Lonely? You must have missed the part about my marriage, kids and grandkids. It's rare that I get an occasional evening like this to kick back alone and fuck with you idjits!

>>733851492
Hey thanks man, big confidence boost. And yeah I make music on the side so that will take my mind off of any stress hopefully. So any other things about life in general? Thoughts on drugs? Sex? Rock?

>>733850147
>slut even did anal

Wew lad

>>733851534
Best thing ive read in a while
Thanks for the laugh mate

>>733851606
well we were glad to have you

you fucking pathetic piece of decrepit faggot dick sucker fuck

>>733851606
So tell us what the civil war was like dude

>>733851333
>not sure what the funny part is.
You fucked a cow and got a UTI, that was pretty funny. Maybe not to you.
Also, "we teamed up to fuck the cows" is the funniest/saddest sentence I've ever read.

>>733851779
Not sure what the funny part is, but you are welcome.

Btw, for any sexually frustrated rural/farm kids reading this, use condoms, fatter cows have better pussy, and if you get the chance to fuck a sheep, take it. And keep in mind, you're gonna get shit on at least once, but pussy ain't free, so just get some wet wipes.

>>733850010
And you'll be shot down before you reach 30

a cow fucker and and old homo way to go /b/ thanks for another glorious thread

>>733851681
Drugs: Stay away from the hard shit... I lost most of the 70's to acid, coke and speed... one of my biggest regrets. Smoke some weed, avoid chemicals.
Sex: Don't get hung up on other people's opinions, be open and honest with whoever your partner is, bare your soul, you can't go wrong with that.
Rock: As in music? Don't limit yourself. I find something to love in pretty much every genre from Italian Opera to gangsta rap. I have my favorites, of course (classic rock) but every area has it's gold nuggets.

>>733852103
This why: >>733852008

And it just keeps on getting better lmao

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>>733850842
>we teamed up to fuck the cows

>>733852202
Thanks Homo Erectus, I only fuck with weed and psychedelics. Sex advice seems right, if it's good it's good. And agreed, if it's not varied I don't want to listen, you fuck with Wu Tang?

>>733852008
Alright, fair enough, it's good for a giggle, wasn't funny at the time. Had nightmares for a while that the cow was gonna give birth to a cow/human hybrid that looked like me, and everyone was gonna know what I did, but my science teacher said that was impossible.

>we teamed up to fuck the cows
These are half ton animals, so they are hard to control. Easier to have some help wrangling them, or a spotter if something goes wrong or someone comes.

>>733848130
And the thread goes to....

>>733852399
you raped a cow

>>733845540
Your mom

>>733850842
>we teamed up to fuck the cows

Jesus, now I picture Fuck Team 5, but instead it's a band of lonely rural men and cows in slutty outfits. Any photoshop fags want to make a DVD cover?

>>733851476
A mental hospital

They're full of shit

>>733852399
>science teacher said it was impossible

Fucking kek m8 I would have paid to hear that class discussion.

"so like if someone fucked a cow would it come out as a cow-human or just like a regular cow? I'm asking for a friend"

>>733852383
Wu Tang? Some of the early stuff... the whole clan seemed to go downhill a bit after Ol' Dirty B bit the big one...

>>733852565
I'm pretty sure it "came". Idk if cows have orgasms, but if you pump long and hard enough, it kinda has this little pussy seizure/contraction milking thing it does for a few seconds.

>>733845540
i used to clean out bottles of shampoo and conditioner and put my dick in them... that was when I was 9. Too big now

>Be 20
>Hanging out with a few friends
>We go back to one friends place to crash
>Hos roommate is one of my best friends but is staying at his GF's place
>Shotgun roommates bedroom so I don't have to sleep on the couch.
>Almost immediately open his computer and search through his files
>I know he has a porn folder, he's mentioned it before.
>Spend almost an hour looking for it
>Get caught by other friend who heard noises and I made up some flimsy excuse about the computer being loud
>He sort of buys it
>About to give up when I open the trash can
>Random porn photo in there with the thousands of other files
>Check photo's preview folder path
>Follow path and find shitton of porn
>See folder with his rommates GF's name on it
>Open
>20 photos
>Blowjob vid
>Two candid nude vids
>5 minute sex tape
>Heart absolutely pounding. Don't have a usb or harddrive
>Still partially drunk and no idea what do to
>Create volafile page, start uploading everything
>Go to sleep (Barely)
>Wake up next morning, everythingrs uploaded except the sex tape. Shitty internet.
>Cancel upload and delete history
>Made my way home and redownloaded

Deleted them out of guilt like two days later, but probably the hottest things I'd ever seen. (I'm really into vouyer and that kind of shit)

But If I had been caught I literally would have lost all my friends and been known the the freak who steals friends nudes....

>>733852725
I talked to her after class, started to make up some bullshit, she just stopped me and said that humans can't get animals pregnant. Which is great, cuZ idk where to get Plan B for cows.

>>733852777
A cuck's claim that his cock could make a cow cum. Wow.

Attempted to slap my chicks ass while giving her the swedish helecopter, missed and karate chopped her right between the ass cheeks. She screamed, shot across the room said something like 'you just punched me in the asshole!!!' it was pretty awesome. I also had sex w a cheeseburger once while on bath salts weed and beer.

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>>733852735
>Ol' Dirty B

Old Dirty Brotherfucker

>>733852735
Yeah they definitely lost something after he clocked in, what else do you listen to dude? You're an interesting oldfag (literally)

>>733848292
I agree fucking awesome. King of the old fags, i bow down to ur oldness

>>733852994
To be fair, you are engaging a bovine rapist in a thread punctuated by life advice given my a gay, incestuous geriatric.

>>733852994
yea this idiots running out of fumes

its not funny anymore its just a story thats dragged its balls on the floor too long

Drank some mamajuana and got fucking shitfaced, little fun fact before you drink, it is a great cure for whisky dick: which I didn't know... so halfway through the night my bottle was empty and Some bitch tries to grind me, my first move is back away cause I was wearing fuckin loose shorts, she almost pushes me into this wall basically, and she comes up to me and I poke her with my fuckin willy so fucking hard my fuckin urethra hurt the next day. To respond to that I puked on her shoes right after.
So basically stabbed a chick with my dick and puke on her shoes

>>733853031
Nice seg way m8. From karate chopping an asshole to fucking a cheeseburger on bath salts

>>733852994
Yeah, at 13 I didn't have a horse cock man. I'm just saying, as I perfected my technique, it felt like they would cum sometimes.

>>733853100
Fair enough.

>>733850315
>Badthingswitha.jar

>>733853100
ok fuck i finally laughed at something on this thread

Im out

>>733848937
I say if someone more interesting doesnt pop up lets make this thread about this old guy hes interesting. He sucks dicks and browses 4chan. Nice

>>733853260
Totally agree with you

>>733852924
Oh and just for some additional details.
She was a solid 7/10, kinda chubby.
Half the photos were in school uniform and she turned 18 after we graduated, so definitely underage.

>>733853260
Not exactly a minority here with those stats

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Idk but this thread is gold

>>733853143
Look, I'm just trying to explain myself. I don't get what's so hilarious about me fucking cows, it's just a dumb thing I did when I was a horny kid.

>>733853260
threads dead fag you can go ahead and give ourtime.com if you really need attention from older people

I met and fell in love with a girl i met on 4chan and told her i loved her how fucking stupid am i from 1-5...

>>733853401
There's being a horny teenager.. and then there's raping the chick-fil-a mascot dude

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INCLUDE ME IN THE SCREENCAP

>>733853260
>>733853298
Lads I concur, this is a prime example of an alpha, a man who bridges generations through Mongolian carpet weaving forums in threads where he shows his prowess for sucking relatives cocks and giving advice to the young and gormless. This is to you old fag, cheers.

>>733845540
posting pics of girls I know online here and other places, sending pics of my gf to random internet ppl, wasting sooooooo much time on here / online chat / porn sites :S

>>733845540
On my phone so cba with greentext

Be me
Be like 19
Broke up with gf had to move back in with dad stepmum stepbrother and sister
Not been laid in like two weeks
Stepsisters kinda hot in a slightly chunky nerdy way... maybe more cute than hot
Obviously she is "18"
Incredibly horny one night internet was sucking because shut English broadband and step brother is downloading Japanese tentacle rape so no porn
Hit up a old girl I used to Fuck before got with ex.
Hang out for a few hours she dressed up teased and led me on all night then left no sexy times
Go home everyone asleep so fap in living room to some shitty 70's sexplotation movie
Hear stepsister upstairs.
Here's good idea go up in just boxers massive (average) erection obvious
Maybe she'll check it out
Go up was close to cumming
She sees looks a little but pretends to not notice
She goes back to bed
Finish myself off in the sink like the classy guy I am
Stepsister walks back past
Probably thinks I was cumming to the thought of her seeing my boner like some neckbeard looser.
Been awkward when talking to me ever since

>>733850061
Yea you think you wont give it to anyone, but give it a couple more years, you will break down and go fuck some girl. I did.

>>733853401
ohoho im just saying your 15 minutes are up you can shut up now

>>733846294
don?

>>733853536
I didn't rape her, it was more of a friends with benefits thing. She would even back up to the fence for me some afternoons.

Btw, how fucking great are those Chick fil a sandwiches with the jalapeño and cheese?

>>733853053
Thanks, /b/ro... lately, I mostly enjoy female vocalists, indie stuff, anything fresh and different. I will confess to occsionally enjoying some Ed Sheeran and Bruno Mars, but more likely Halsey, Alessia Cara, Julia Michaels. But nothing fucked up like Miley, Bieber, that kind of kiddie pop crap. But when I mellow out with a bowl, I always find my way back to classic rock.

>>733850405
>Regular cow fucking story
Kek

>>733853689
almost as good as giving dick to a farm animal eh?

>>733853689
Do you think if your parents ever found out you would have had to moove out?

>>733853794
Cow, yes. Sheep, no.

I have to drive like 30 minutes to get the sandwiches, so I always figure I'll get more than one and just reheat them, but they are fucking useless when they cool down.

>>733853912
Kek

>>733845540
A black girl
Had to lose my virginity somehow

>>733853693
you should check out Angel Olsen and Courtney Barnett they're pretty good. Yeah anything hard rock from the 70s is the shit for a toke or two, Rush are usually my go to for those adventures.

>>733853149

Lol thanks. I have done all types of mostly retarded somewhat fucked up shit while on drugs and booze through my years. I only say that because im pretty prude and shy about sex when sober.

This chick was trying to take advantage of me once so I stole her clothes, lit them on fire in the yard and ran away. Banged a homeless chick in a parking lot not realizing she was homeless at the time. I regularly get wasted and shave my balls. Always a surprise!

>>733853945
you dont have to drive you can always ride the cow eh?

>>733854012
In a thread with a literal brother-fucker and the Brock Turner of the barnyard, you are the most degenerate faggot here.

>>733845540
Tried to become a trap, got heavy into anal (still am tbh) shaved everywhere, bought panties and stockings, itches like a mofo and leaves huge rashes if you're like me and have a lot of hair.

>>733854012
animals dont count

ask the cowfucker

>>733848188
Fuck you, I think he's badass

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>>733845886
>>733846294
>>733847058
>>733847858
based!

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>>733845886
>>733846294
>>733847058
>>733847858

drank more when I was already fucked
>bout to smash this fatty
>already drunk
>lets do it
>no wait
>take a massive swing
>almost die
>k lets do this
>can't get hard
actually turned out better then it might've

>>733854144
>Brock Turner of the barnyard

My fucking sides

>>733847858
ok this is amazing never thought there would be this level of old fag around.

>>733854183
no you dont you just think the concept of fucking your 60 year old brother is badass

>>733854302
swig********

>>733854150
Anal is quite a hole to get out of eh? Proper rabbit hole man.....no? Fuck off then.

This one of those rare nights when legends are born kek

>>733848970
Not called a fucking hashtag you fucking faggot. It's the number or lb symbol.

>>733854322
>>733854271
>>733854198
>>733854183
you can stop samefag we can all see the number of posters on the bottom right

>>733854144
>>733854180
She was fat too
I learned a lot that night, like how to pokerface cus I didnt know what to expect feeling wise down there
The answer was nothing. No feeling

>>733853912
Underrated

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>>733854432

>>733854332
You don't read all that well, do ya? We never fucked... we swapped a drunken blowjob. And I think your repeated commentary is more than likely a sign of some inner struggle you're having with your own feelings. It's ok, anon, really... you can give in and enjoy it! Don't let society dictate your sex life!

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>>733854432
No

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>>733854678
>we swapped a drunken blowjob.

>>733847858
This is why mom got a divorce

>>733854901
Wat? Your mom got a divorce? Cuz as for me, I'm still happily married! And, yeah, she knows... we've been enjoying what they used to call "the swinging lifestyle" for a long time!

Fuck you /b/

>>733845540
lapped up my own piss from a bowl because a girl on omegle told me to...

>>733855172
Well?

I'm 51 been on 4chan since back in the day. Stupidest thing done whilst horny- told girls that I love them.

>>733854663
>>733854697
photoshop

youre the same old man that blew his brother off

and you say i cant read im just giving you an idea of why you should stay anonymous you fucking old idiot

>>733855282
well what?

>in a long distance relationship
>girl wants cam on msn (I know it was years ago)
>always leave my cam turned away cause ya know hack0rz
>accept the call and tell her i'll brb
>come back and she's crying her eyes out
>apparently her parents were having a hell of an argument and she wanted some comfort
>the sight of her tears made me diamonds
>violently stroking to her tears as the sound of her parents arguing got louder

Every time she looked up at the screen to see if i was there to get some comfort I got a rush and my cock got harder, it was the biggest turn on, biggest load ever. She was such a sweetheart too.

>>733855478
howd it taste?

>>733855369
I also did this once after 3 weeks of seeing someone. She responded with I love you too. After we slept together I felt an overwhelming wave of fucking dread wash over me. Like what the fuck did I just do. Blocked her number and never saw her again after that

>>733855526
Salty.

>>733855387
Sorry, but I don't give enough of a shit about anyone's opinion to try and prove whether or not I'm samefagging (which I'm not).
And I don't get it... why exactly do you think I should stay anonymous? Because anyone I know who i care about already knows my lifestyle. Including my kids. OK, but not my grandkids.

>>733855592
Not as salty as the guy trolling the old fart

>>733855526
I had drank a lot of water so honestly it was almost like an off brand water. Not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. although the thought of it afterwards made me gag a bit.

Hey cowfucker, how many cows total did you fuck?

Serious question, btw

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>>733855387
I'm not this fucker >>733854663 You anxious fagget

>>733855591
Birds need to believe that you love them. I've had chicks say it in laughably short time of meeting me.

>>733855495

Dang bro that's pretty sad, like a sad story, only somewhat deprived. I wouldn't have thought of the idea but would have reacted close to the same. If I can get the right girl on the phone I'll wack it to any normal conversation but a dramatic one is killer. Get her to say something repeatedly lol.

>>733855764
5

>>733855700
Correction... "trying" to troll the old fart.
>I'm the old fart, it ain't even close to working! He's just showing his inner desires.

a norweigan

>>733855942

Yeah, I genuinely felt terrible afterwards but oh well.

>>733850795
What a fucking pussy. Wow dude I'm in shock

>>733850795
Wow, you've somehow already achieved the level of ascended wizard at such a young age. A true prodigy

>>733856174
Feeling terrible after jerking off is kind of expected for me at this point. Mostly because of the porn i jerk off too though I assume. Any anons who are into more vanilla stuff feel this way?

>>733856201
Super pussy.

What a cunt.

>>733853223
wew

Cut out the photos of the hot girls from my high school yearbooks so I could cum on them.

>>733856111
Only one time per cow or many times?

>>733847858
Someone better be capping this for a best of 4 chan thread

>>733856717
Until you've crushed as much cow pussy as I have, don't talk shit.

>>733856890
Fuck that. Just enjoy the moment cocksucker.

>>733856559

I mainly felt bad just because she was such a sweetheart and I took advantage of her sadness for my own pleasure. Even though that was what made it so hot to begin with.

But either way after I bust to anything I immediately feel disgusted.

>>733856871
My regular rotation was 3 cows, many times. But we went to a farm in the next town over and fucked two of their cows.

>>733856893
holy fucking shit include me in the screencap

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>>733856893
This can't be real

>>733853945
Whats wrong with sheep?
Got any more stories?

>>733856893
Yeah I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say you've never even lived on a farm, let alone actually fucked a cow. 0/10

>>733845540
one time when I was fourteen I jerked off in the back of my mom's car while her and my younger brother were in the front seat, got away with it too... hopefully anyways

>>733857243
I got tons of stories. And nothing wrong with sheep, they have the best pussies.

>>733845540
>broke into my neighbors house numerous times to smell her daughters panties and jack off.
>one night her daughter is taking a bath
>open the front door and enter her house to try and see her naked
>door to bathroom is open
>she sees my shadow and screams
>I run outside and hide under her deck
>manage to make it back to my house
>sit curled up on the opposite side of my house feeling the worst dread I've ever felt.
>mom must've figured it out and came over to tell my mom.
>they both cried

>>733856893
LMAO
Include me in le epic screencap

>>733856893
I'm the guy who fucked the cows, this isn't me.

>>733857340
Kys

>>733857296
I had my sister wank me off whilst parents were in front seats of car.

>>733857303
Make a new thread and just tell stories bruh please

>>733847058
1993 Bill Clinton/10

When blackberries were a thing me and a cute girl I knew used to mess around mass pinging each other at inappropriate times which would make your phone vibrate, one time I baited her by saying her "ping game was weak" (idk lol but it worked.)

So I turned the vibration to max and strapped my phone tight to my cock and balls in anticipation and she proceeded to make my phone vibrate for what seemed like forever, my dick has never been as hard as when she was unknowingly vibing my cock and balls while I jerked off to her pretty face.

I learned how to jack off with my left hand after an injury to my right one. It was way better, I still think of it sometimes and I can't do it any more so... Fuck.

8 human females
1 cat
1 dog
All types of furniture
Mostly myself

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>>733857003
Nice

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>>733847858
holy wat

>>733847858
Coolest old fag over. OG OP.

>>733857636
Tell dog and cat story

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>be 15
>get drunk
>get incredibly horny for no reason while shitting
>decide a warm shit probably feels good on dick
>put shit on dick and try to jack off
>no dice, its rough like wet sand
>cut my losses and taste the shit
>bitter. Not good.
>take a shower and feel better having learned something

>>733857243
Love sheep pussy.

One time we finished up fencing after dark, the owner was talking to a pig farmer from the next town over who had lent his Cat to us. We were shooting the shit, he mentioned that he had some homemade corn whiskey. We decided to ride over to his piece to have a couple swigs, made a fire, had some bbq. We got a bit tight, started talkin about girls, then pussy, then the owner said he had a dairy cow that he fucked occasionally. Me, the farm hand that fucked cows with me, and the owner went to see the cow, owner had us watch him fuck her, then offered us each a turn.

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>>733850795
Reading stories on /b/ make me sad

>>733857870
How many animals, moar stories

>>733857545
>>733858055
Here. I got a lot.

>>733857870
Cowfucker you need your own thread

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>13 years old
>incredibly horny for 0 reason
>decide "i'm gonna go as hard as possible" when I wank this time
>go for like 5 minutes
>pull back my foreskin so far it tears
>it bleeds a bit and I feel dizzy as fuck
>next few times I masturbate my foreskin bleeds again
>realise that masturbating so hard probably isn't too healthy

>>733847858
Also, how were the seventies?

>>733858101
>>733858132
>>733858055

>>733857477
And my first orgasm was in my sisters ass.

>put a glass of ice water on the floor
>fucked the shit out of it
>

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>>733856201
He probably would've jizzed the second she touched him anyway

>>733845540
Agreed to be married.

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masturbated furiosly after getting male circumcision scaring my dick for life

>>733858134
>>733858450
I've done so much shit like this I can't even remember

>13
>too autismal and oblivious to talk to girls that obviously wanted me
>end up going out with first girl that takes initiative to talk to me
>lose virginity to a chubby girl three inches taller than me that had a facial reconstruction surgery after breaking her face open on a jungle gym
>excellent pussy though

>>733857824

Sure. The dog was a piece of shit bitch who I got really pissed off at while drunk. Usually I'd just scare her, lock her out, tie her to a chair, whatever. Yep... You know the rest. She never fucked w me again.

The cat was weird. Kitten, actually, I found it in the street one night. The thing couldn't be left alone without shitting and pissing everywhere and I didn't want to kill it or put it in a situation in which it would die bc it was helpless.

I kept it for a few days, ended up getting destroyed on booze and meth and rubbing it in my dick. NOT actually trying to fuck it. I remember this whole deal bc I thought it died, I looked down and it wasn't moving and it's eyes were shut. I put it to sleep w my schlong.

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>>733845540

put my flaccid dick in a shampoo bottle opening, got hard
hurt like a bitch, kinda fucked my dick up too

>>733850768
>convo
This is not a term that older people use.

>cologne on balls

>>733846750
i invented plox

>>733852924
Vola, not Mega? Really?

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>>733853042

>>733853223
Did any of them ask you for a cigarette afterwards?

>>733853401
You look familiar…
http://iwatchitfortheplot.romesilvanus.io/Zoo/Videos/Bovine%20%C2%BB%20Cow%20and%20Men/

>>733850795
Wheww lad.

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>>733850795
fuck man that is so rough
that's why you just do shit and not give a fuck

>>733853945
All we like sheep!
https://youtu.be/LmeyG5LlFWU
.

>be 14
>see a thread on /b/ about fucking watermelons and other stuff
>decide fucking some microwaved lunch meat seems like a good idea
>do it

>>733856111
How many calves did you sire?

>>733846294
fifth of jack is a lot or?
I drink a bottle and function properly. are you 12?

>>733859148
Ha, you kids always think you invented everything. Did you miss my time stamp, dude?

Fucked my cousin when we were both 13, that was stupid.
Subscribed to some really expensive porn when I was like 16, took ages to cancel subscription and had to lie to my parents and say I got hacked (they're retards who believed it luckily).
Ordered a fleshlight off the internet, it felt pretty good but not worth the cash, especially since it gets a weird texture after you wash it a few times.

>>733860550
Mark my words this Is how a minotaur will be born

>>733857003
>we went to a farm in the next town
We? Threesome with Bessie?

>>733860582
Define "properly." Just because we each killed a bottle of Jack and decided to mess around doesn't mean we didn't know what we were doing. We just got the idea and went with it. As I said, why get hung up on some stupid rules society sets as "normal" or "proper"? Don't take life too seriously, because no matter what you do, you're not getting out of it alive!

>>733860582
>I drink a bottle and function properly.
you're either obese or an alcoholic, even after like a decade of non-stop drinking a fifth got me pretty buzzed

>>733857870
And that, children, is how Melania Trump became First Lady. MAGA!

Paid my meth addict 19 year old niece $40 a pop a couple of times a week for years to give me head.

Still would if she hadn't moved across the country. Good times.

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>>733856893
But then you got the infection.

>>733861253
mmmm pics?

>>733861446
Nope, no pics. Sorry anon.

>>733860874
Me, the owner of the farm, and the farmhand I fucked cows with

>>733860924

I'm neither, I just drink on weekends for about 7 years now.
Maybe I overstated a bit, by "properly" I mean I can talk normally, act normally, walk normally etc.

>>733860593
>you kids
I'm 63.

>be me
>be horny preteen beta
>live in some small town with tons of cute mexican girls around
>get the courage to make friends with one
>skip ahead to high school, amazingly still friends with her
>shes the hottest piece of ass i'll ever see
>always joke about if we were sluts how much money we would ask for our customers to pay
>she says she would blow a guy for $20
>one day bring $20 and ask her for a bj
>she laughs and asked me if i'm serious
>say yes
>made mistake by giving her the money first
>we then set up a time and a place
>go to said place and wait for her
>waited 2 hours
>she doesn't show up
>come to school next day
>she gives me back 5$ and says she'll pay back the rest
>never does
>don't really care
>still talk to her today
>still ask for that bj

>>733853602
Why not use dating sites for it? Im thinking of lol

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>>733860814
Geneticists say it's impossible. But then physicists say bumblebees can't fly.

>>733845865
>autism

Do you know any other insults?

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my male dog's ass
It started 2 years ago when i was 16, who wants a story

>be 16
>virgin
>horny as hell
>decide to get a blowjob from a shady ass craigslist gloryhole
>drop pants and put my dick in the curtain
>feel mouth around my manhood
>ts happening.jpg
>deepthroating me, then sucked my balls, turned me around and ate my ass
>this is fucking awesome
>blow the biggest load in their mouth
>swallowed it
>sucking so hard it hurts
>finally remove cock from the curtain pull up my pants and leave
>as i'm leaving i hear the manliest voice ever say "thanks cutie come back soon"

>fuck im gay now

>>733847858
I'm 40 and lurk daily. These kids think 4chan is their private club. Thanks for repping the grown crowd with me sir.

>>733861540
I still prefer the image of Bessie suggesting y'all party with one of her friends down the road apiece.

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>>733850147
>slut even did anal
My coffee shot out of my nostrils.

>>733862248
shut your 40 year old ass up nigga

>>733861895
>4 hours later
>still feels the need

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>>733850147
interesting

>>733863126
>>733858055

>>733863043
Thanks for the (you)

>>733848750
Dude, just wait to see the VIDEOGAMES you´re gonna play on YOUR OWN COMPUTER when you get old!

>>733848750
Sell your worn underware to old men! get rich!

>>733858271
Do tell

>>733847858
Our
L
D
F
A
Guy

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>>733853147
>Stabbed a chick with my dick and puke on her shoes
sounds like me type of sunday night