Be me, King of the snails, soon to be God
>hang out in backyard because no friends
>there’s always a few snails who come to visit me whenever i’m outside
>they slither along my hands as I color their shells and give them rankings based on their frequency
>Begin feeding them leaves covered in lysol, they love that shit for some reason
>one snail stands out among the others becasue of his generosity and valor, his name is Caracol, my closest friend and ally
>I confide my deepest secrets with him, he is my rock
>more and more snails congregate to my shrine, which is a makeshift fort of piss stained towels, rusty nails, and rotten plywood.
>I knight my most devote followers as the gastropods of the round table, my elite seven, my snailtillery
>I am king of the snails, soon to be god
>>732920572
>all was good in my kingdom, lysol leaves were plentiful, and casualties were at an all time low
>before I was the snail king, there was a war between the ants and the snails
>the snails were easy targets, as they had no way to defend themselves from the ants who nibbled at their squishy flesh and devour their insides
>Woeful, I am, I share in their plight
>I exterminated every last ant with my holy acid rain as cans of lysol littered the floor
>I extend my arms and take up the position of Jesus on the cross, as my snail bros slither along me, I remain still, majestic and exposed
>I am the messiah of the gastropods
>>732920632
>the remaining ants scattered to the far corners of the yard to wallow in their utter defeat. I can see them secretly planning their return, but yay my kingdom is strong, and will not fall so easily
>5 days later, the sky is gray, and moral is low among my legion
>the ants have gathered reinforcements from the neighboring yards
>I send my scouts to gauge their strength, and they report that the ants are 10,000 in number
>the future is bleak, I have no choice, I have to deploy the round table
>>732920684
>after hours of tireless work, I am finished
>my elite 7 wield the banner of my shrine
>they are decked out with toothpick spears laced in lysol and bodies more lysol than snail. Their internal PH balance is so toxic to the 6 leggers that they are virtually untouchable
>I enclose my elite 7 in my divine container, two red solo cups taped together to form a makeshift catapult, my arm being the lever
>it’s slime time
>I initiate the attack, and chuck my divinity at the ants across the yard
>my divinity bursts out with the furry of a thousand suns, covering all within a 12 meter radius
>Caracol, my strongest warrior and friend slaughters at least 2000
>the other 6 of the round table blaze through the ant’s barracks leaving puddles of dissolved ants in their wake
>Caracol finds the queen, and brings her back alive for judgment
>the hearing begins, and i start off with a roll call, as is customary
>now that the trial is underway, I tally the votes of my brethren
>the decision is unanimous, the queen is sentenced to death my hanging
>the following day the stage is set
>my snails have all gathered to see the execution
>the queen is hung from a dental floss noose as my worshiper rejoice
>I am GOD of the snails
>>732920735
current day, I have built up my army, known as the terrestrial pulmonate gastropod molluscs, shortened to TPGM.
my parents have passed away and left me the house
>my kingdom has prospered since the days of old
>there are now complex roadways within the house to alleviate obstacles for nomadic snails
>my dead parent’s room has been converted into a storage facility for my lysol and leave collection, as was necessary
>the remaining rooms have been converted into my personal thrown room, with Caracol by my side, and bunkers for my citizens
>all is not good though, there has been speak of a mutiny among my ranks, spread by the blasphemous Snaipoleon Bonaparte, leader of the supposed revolution
>heretics are all to common now, many have come to question my divine abilities
>they think they are too dependent on me, but I know better, they need me, I am the snail God
>late one night I hear a faint sound
>I ignore it thinking nothing of it, but the sound becomes more audible, reaching a fever pitch
>it is now a roar
>I exit my throne room to see the commotion
>the hallway is barricaded on both fronts by my own brethren
>they would lay siege to me? the one who gave the EVERYTHING
>Snaipoleon slithers forward
“give us our freedom, or the streets will run green with the blood of your comrades”
>my heart is broken, as if my very essence has been torn in two
>I retreat to my throne room, doubting my abilities as a leader
>>732920801
>I seek solace in Caracol, who tells me that these heretics only need to be reminded of the old ways
>his words are true, I must remind them of the glory days
>”they words are no falsehood Caracol, provideth me some time to prepare a speech that will shatter all notion of my inabilities as God”
>CRASH
>a wall of snails smashes through my door, overcoming my guards
>Protect me Caracol!” I shout
>I need to stall so that I may write a masterpiece that will covert these heretics
>I hear the sounds of battle, my followers suffocating, it pierces my soul, but I must push onward
>I’m nearly finished, it’s almost complete
>I look up, Caracol is surrounded
>no…
>he’s sits upon a mound of shells, holding his own against the onslaught
>”FIRE” shouts Snaipoleon
>toothpicks rain from above, it’s too much even for him
>”CARACOL” I scream, my voice faltering under the roar of slithering snails
>he is swallowed by the wall, and I am left, tethered to the ground, unable to move
>a rage builds up inside me, I can only see blood on all fronts, the blood of my worshipers
>I dash for the window and dive into the bushes, breaking my hands against the glass
>I kick in my front door and make a b-line for the kitchen cabinet
>kosher salt is all that’s left
>fucking jews, but it’ll have to do
>slowly begin my ascend up the stairs, and into the hallways
>the heathens turn to me, screeching and hollering at me
>they think their victory is assured
>I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and slather 20lbs of kosher salt across every god damn square inch of the hallway
>it’s all a blur
>I faint from exhaustion
>my kingdom has fallen
>>732921314>I awake
>lying in front of me his Caracol, half dead and missing his shell, stripped of his ranking, his identify
>”God” he says
>”you’re a good person, you’ve given us everything. Don’t be sad that it’s over, be glad that it happened. you gave us a future when we had none. We are eternally grateful, live on… for us” he utters with his last breath
>I hold him close, tears falling into my cupped, broken hands
>it’s over
>I burry Caracol, along with all my followers
>the sun sets today, on my kingdom
>”thank you, for everything” I say, “but I can’t keep your promise”
>I bite the barrel of a gun, clenching it with my teeth, and pull the trigger
what the absolute fuck lmfao
>I am king of the snails, soon to be god
lmfao
>new content on my /b/
sa
ge
r/4chan/ here we come. Someone seriously needs to screencap this.
Bump.
Thank you OP
>>732923064
this
>>732920572
good job, finally somehting on /b/ that is worth reading
Good job op
>>732920572
Fucking awesome
>need more op snail broz must rize from the ashes
>>732920572
Thank you OP for some light Jesus
>>732923064
Saved and I will cap this shit soon after work
>>732921395
kekd hearthly op
goodjob
Very nice read. There is an obvious vestige of intelligence among the pile of watchmygf ads.
RIP Caracol.
he was a mighty warrior.
>>732920735
>furry of a thousand suns
great work op
>>732920572
All hail the snail king
I cried
I've seen this story before
Sage
>>732923064
God it :)
This would make an awesome short movie
>Jews make this happen
>>732923666
Checked. Listen to Satan.
>>732920572
This is truly beautiful
>>732925175
And your point is?
Every time something good is posted
>hu sage
Eat tramps shitter fag
Never forget 05-17-17
rip Caracol
>>732920572
RIP Caracol
This is really good no joke. I felt emotion.
I'm just here to be a part of the screencap.
Mom! I'm on the screencap! =^•^=
>>732920572
screencap me bitch.
My name is moose.
Glory for all
>>732920572
that story. damn. made my day. someone should make a tv show of it. would binge watch
>>732920572
you should eat them. escargot
>be ant
>the heathen snail king has drove us into a deep exile
>We bide our time in the ancient underway of our kind
>our queen was murdered, taken by the brutal snail enforcer Caracol and her body debased
>We must have vengeance!
>We toil while the mucus king eats and drinks hearty
>his reign grows weak, he is lazy
>We begin whispering seeds of doubt into the young snail Snaipoleon from the shadows, twisting him to the will of the hive
>The time is now
>We use our pupet to launch a strike, the queen will be avenged
>while the bloated king is busy, thousands of my comrades storm his domicile
>we cut the power, many of our number is lost to the lightning fury, but we must press on
>We hear the final confrontation, our antenna shake towards the sky in joy
>the snail king has fallen, The enemy is dead!
>slowly but surely we feast on the snail kings remains, his body will feed our new queen
>our antpier will reign supreme you fat snail loving prick
>MFW
Add me to the screencap please
>I kick in my front door and make a b-line for the kitchen cabinet
>kosher salt is all that’s left
>fucking jews, but it’ll have to do
Absolutely beautiful
Include me in the screencap pls
PUT ME IN THE SCREEN CAP
My name is Ed and I declare to be in the screencap says my digits
>>732927671
>>732927676
>>732928201
>>732928429
>>732929672
Minor update
Add moose to screencap
To Caracol!
He was a fine warrior
bump, all must read this
Bumping again
>>732920572
Thanks OP I work for Pixar and was running out of ideas for kids movies.You really saved my ass here much appreciated. "The King Snail" coming to a theater near you. I wish I was joking there going to love this shit.
*slow clap
wow
>>732920572
that was amazing
thank you, OP