Tell me a fucked up story /b/

your birth

Sure, why not?
>be weird fucker with no ambitions
>dropped out of Army because I broke my leg in boot
>>there's a reason they call them confidence walls and not over-confidence walls
>really only good at two things
>drinking and learning languages
>working shitty temp jobs to pay the rent
>apply for jobs at security companies to be a terp
>eventually get in at a place
>most of what I did was pretty mundane
>transcribed shit in what I'm pretty sure is the only room in Caracas with ac
>occasionally get brought out as a terp when one of the other guys is somehow out of commision
>do pretty okay because I'm the only translator that isn't afraid of their own gun
>eventually get an offer to go on as a field terp in French Guyana
>>baguettes HAVE to be easier to deal with than crazy ass VZ
>I was wrong
>so godamn wrong
cont.

>>730597815
Go on

>>730597815
This isn't pre-typed, so bear with me.
>the country is full of ooga booga voodoo stuff
>they're equal parts freaked out by everything and hyper-religious
>a guy told me it's like Ghana, but with less guns
>left my relatively nice office and own apartment to see some action
>guys on the ground are pretty cool
>sleeping on the ground is not as fun
>make a temporary camp nearby the place we're negotiating with
>I'm basically just talking to locals
>not involved in negotiations, just pr basically
>I'm basically the only white guy for miles
>locals get all twitchy when they see me
>kids love me because I got that sick candy hookup
>locals call me "Vulgcabre"
>some slang term that translates in to goat fucker
>I guess because white guys fuck goats
cont

>>730597815
what languages do you speak ?

>>730598125
I'm going nigger.
>>730598310
>About a month passes with no real hiccups on my end
>minor misunderstandings and whatnot
>I have no vested interest in the land negotiations
>I'm not a part of it
>some baguette niggers get mad about losing land
>I'm the guy talking to the locals though
>I am the face of what they hate
>also I'm white
>REALLY white
>get a couple death threats
>dude stabs me in the thigh
>shit's getting a bit wonky now
>have to go around armed like the regular grunts now
>I ain't getting dead here
>this freaks the locals out
>they trusted me
>I gave their kids candy
>now because I don't want to die, they read that as I want to give their kids bullets to eat now
>everything goes pear shaped
cont
I think I only need one more.

>>730598728
a bump for you

>>730598431
Illegal immigrant, baguette, Czech, and some Jihad.
>>730598728
>negotiations are a success, but the locals are up in arms
>my crew gets to leave in a day
>get plastered with the grunts
>I wind up passing out in the back of an mg truck
>some guerilla fucks show up that night
>sneeky breeky take out part of firewatch
>I wake up to take a piss
>hear chattering in baguette
>think it's our african terp fucking with me
>I climb out of the truck and tell Gideon to fuck off
>>there is more than one Gideon
>assume someone slipped me mescal or something for a second
>deer in headlights on both sides of equation
>realize it's baguette guerillas
>rifle is in bunk
>only have my sidearm
>figure I'm dead anyway, so fuck it
I actually need one more.

>>730599334
>illegal immigrant
this varies depending on your country of origin. you said youre white, so im assuming you mean spanish?

>>730599197
danke friendo
>>730599334
>I am no operator
>I have seen combat all of twice if you count my knife fight
>it's dark and I'm still half-drunk
>aiming is for pussies
>scream out "I'm Elvis Presley motherfuckers!"
>empty my magazine into the crowd of baguettes
>watching niggas drop
>half-naked grunts running out from every bunk
>rest of firewatch alerted
>niggas get mowed down
>turns out they didn't even have guns
>they fucking killed 6 guys with machetes
>fucking jihadi style execution according to the guy they were about to kill
>I apparently dropped 4 before the rest of the guys came out
>wound up vomiting on a guy with a fist-sized hole in his chest
>that I put there
And that's the story of how I went from officeman to Vulgcabre, Killer of Almost Unarmes Baguettes.

>>730599614
Yeah, Spanish. I actually speak Island Spanish better than Mexican, but casual racism is more fun.

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I pissed all over the toilet rolls at school. there were 3, and i intentionally drank 3 lipton green teas, a bottle of water, and glass of milk and held it for 3 classes.

blasted with piss then turned the hose on to and around the seat.

>>730599853
because mexican is a race

>>730599787
Good story, man.
Bumpin

>>730600127
>implying Mexican Spanish doesn't work differently than Island Spanish or Castillian or any of another dozen variants of the language

>>730600181
Thanks, it's something that still kinda weirds me out. Killing someone 100 feet away is different than doing it from less than 15. Also, my first confirmed kills. It's easier when you don't know that your bullet did it.

>>730597235
>my ex gf's uncle
>married 3 times
>first divorced, last two died of cancer
>current gf cheated on him with his brother
>has to take care 3 kids from past wives
>lost house for not paying mortgage
>collect scrap metal for living
>dying from bad lungs from too much smoking

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Worthy read anono, some interesting stuff

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That's not what the quote function is for.

>>730597235
>be me 16
>family is big on charity, volunteer work, that kind of shit
>volunteer me for some shitty daycare for the retarded
>out of revenge, make a habit of using those who can't tell on me as cumdumpsters for years
can't even get hard by now if the chick I'm fucking doesn't at least pretend to be helpless

> All night drinking with friend
> Get home, can't wake him up in the car.
>10 below zero.
> Leave him in car.
> Late night knocking on door.
> Says he almost froze to death.
> Sorry

>>730600740
You know what, I'll give some stories on the shit I've seen in Venezuela. VZ are some crazy cunts.
>get done transcribing some boring shit for the day
>I basically work office hours, so I get a normal weekend most weeks
>it's a friday so I'm gonna hit the bars with a local chick I had a thing with
>go home and throw on my civvies
>not getting shot at because pmc worker
>on my way to the bar
>VZ police and army are split into a couple groups
>Think the fire units in "Gangs of New York"
>some coked up motherfucker runs up and stabs some chick
>>she looked like a hooker
>in the middle of fucking normal person Caracas
>I have basic medical training, so I go to help this chick
>crazy dude runs off
>cops get called
>as I'm explaining to one cop, more come
>fistfight ensues
>there's a lady dying and they're fighting
>arguing over who is in charge
>military sponsored police or state sponsored police
>THIS LADY IS DYING
>eventually they sort it out and the lady is rushed to a hospital
>not in an ambulance
>in a truck that has "Polizie" crudely stenciled on it
>like some misspelled polish shit
>fucking Venezuela

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>>730597235
Do this count?

> Go to movies with friends.
> Time to kill before movie starts.
> Run down ally in chicago yelling nigger.
> Friend trips and falls on chin.
> Call 5 minutes tripping penalty on him
> Ask us how it looks. (needs stitches)
> Say it looks fine so movie.
> Checks it in mirror. Hates on us.
> He fixes cut with masking tape. Asks us not to laugh.
> LOL. LOL

For Sale:
Baby shoes. Never worn.

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I once burned my barn down

>>730601804
hahaha, got any more, anon?

>>730597235

Soviets won world war 2.

>>730599787
Thanks for the read anon

>>730601804
Lmao. Cont plx

>>730602380
Yeah, I'm gonna run to the liquor store but you can have another to tide you over.
>sitting in my tiny office
>chillin in the ac
>>I'm white as fuck and from the midwest, the humidity rapes me
>called to the office on a saturday because reasons
>head honchos and grunts aren't in for the meeting yet
>britbong who works kinda near me comes to hang out because ac
>only the offices with windows had ac units
>traded off potentially getting sniped for ac
>anyways, we shoot the shit for like an hour
>try calling other offices to see what's up
>no one's here yet
>considering picking up some booze from home
>get up and open my door
>britbong shouts at me to look
>a riot party comes down the street we're on
>molotovs, crowbars, flags, the whole 9 yards
>our guys got caught up in their shit on the way in
>being a paranoid cunt, I keep a pistol in my desk
>have to run everyone into a central room so we don't get AS blown up
>small war directly outside our building
>I'm the only currently armed person so I lock everything down and stand guard
>stand in front of our main door expecting at any second to have to deal with rebels
>2 hours of listening to gunfire and explosions and waiting to die later, someone gets a call from our grunts
>they've managed to clear out most of the mob with help of the military
>apparently the riot started because of some kind of parking ordinance in public parks/religious sites
>riots
>over parking
>fucking Venezuela

>>730603464
Fuck, man. I don't want to be close to you. It seems that you are a problem magnet.

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Mah story from LSD thread

>Canadafag living in Australia for a year
>Camping on Stradbroke Island
>Small music festival
>Some abbo-shaman gives me local drink
>Venture into the upside down
>Walk through the door in Super Mario 2 into the netherworld
>Trippin balls at a family friendly festival
>Kids playing twister in the flashing coloured strobe lights
>Shit's awesome.
>Music shuts down at midnight
>Lose my ride back to camp
>Start walking towards camp, 13km of beach.
>Alone, in the dark
>Hit stretch of beach, feel fingertips brush on back of neck
>Ghosts.wtf
>Run away from cursed area,stopped and went back for some unknown reason
>Feel fingertips brush down my right arm and on my hand
>Pressure around hand, like someone trying to hold it.
>Got the fuck outta there
>Walked another 5 hours to my campsite.
>Watched sunrise, still trippin.
>First LSD experience, success

>>730603758
Think it might have more to do with his line of work.

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Not the worst but worth a lol.

>be 16
>live in small midwest town
>just got driver's license
>driving with friends
>trusted with several thousand pound death machine on wheels
>laughing and having a good time with my bros
>accidentally blow through a red light
>guy in pick up has to swerve to avoid us
>t-bones a beamer
>panic and nope the fuck out of there
>never got arrested or anything
>guy in beamer that was t-boned became crippled from waist down
>fast forward a few years to now
>move back in with parents because i just graduated college
>see that guy rolling down the sidewalk in his wheelchair
>TOPKEK.EXE

>>730597235
>be me
>woke up

>>730602228
That is literally the gayest thing ever

>>730603959
You are a disgusting human. Not because of what you did, but because of that "kek".

>>730600740

This is great, you should share this with /pol/

>>730601804

Dude, you gotta save these somewhere and share them on /pol/. They love stories of Venezuela.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTH7-Gpr8GA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YWzNoyoBSk&t=6s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UJlRRahNzw

>>730604594
;)

>>730603758
See >>730603932
The job is to do shit in hostile areas. Like we have cooks and guys doing industrial laundry that have to put up with this too.

>>730605015
>>730605385
Had no idea /pol/ liked Venezuela. Gimme a minute to make lunch and I'll give another story, eh?

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bamp

>>730606198

Yeah man, Chili went full Capitalist and Venezuela went full Communist. We've been watching it like a soccer match for decades.

>>730606198
Alright, storytime again. Got some booze and some soup now. Ready for action.
>post French Guyana incident
>get sent back to Caracas after psych eval and some mandatory time off
>I'm the most combative non-combatant
>anyways, finally get back on the job
>immediately sent to some shitty port town
>guerillas exist there
>they may or may not be working with rebels
>company is paid to find out who exactly they're planning on guerilla-ing
>>there's more warring groups in Venezuela than there are people
>so my ass gets dragged there
>all the grunts heard about the story and call me "Elvis Goatfucker" now
>fun ride
>guerillas actually weren't shit
>or really guerillas
>just kind of a compound of stoner brujos
>the military wound up showing up as we were about to disengage
>but it was the wrong military
>the military we were working for was the state military, not the military's military
>fucking Venezuela
>anyways, mmilitary is at war with brujos
>brujos aren't with smilitary
>violence erupts
>we're caught pants down
>brujos think we tricked them
>VZ think we're with them
cont.

>>730607189

I'm just going to start linking people here, this is great.

>>730607189

Bro, we made a thread about venezuela. Not sure how much interest it will garner, otherwise there's always plenty of threads about socialism and socialist countries.

>>>/pol/122922582

>>730603464
I saw you know how to speak czech. It is hard for someone who was not born in czech republic to learn czech ? I am czech it is my native language and it is very hard for native speaker to learn it.

>>730607088
Fair enough. South America is fucking ridiculous man. Some crazy bastards down there.

>>730607279
Sure, I'm drinking now. So if the thread exists, I'll keep posting.

>>730607189
>it's a mexican standoff
>in Venezuela
>and it was never a standoff
>a Venezuelan Showdown if you will
>brujos firing tokarevs and ww1 era bolt actions
>VZ firing old soviet stuff
>no one can fucking aim with this shit
>can't fire at VZ because they pay us
>or at brujos because the VZ paid us to make friends with them
>I have never hated this shithole more
>VZ trucks behind us and brujo camp in front
>we just stay low
>we're on the side of whoever wins
>grunt's head gets blown half off
>from VZ side
>ROE's activated
cont

>>730599787
Nice story mate

>>730607821

>>grunt's head gets blown half off
>>from VZ side
>>ROE's activated

Jesus fucking christ man

>>730607821
I saw you know how to speak czech. It is hard for someone who was not born in czech republic to learn czech ? I am czech it is my native language and it is very hard for native speaker to learn it.

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>>730599787
Thanks for the story anon

>>730607457
I don't really care about politics. I'm essentially a merc with a pencil. I like getting that sick cash bruh.

>>730607503
I spent some time over there as a teenager. Local kid gave me H.G. Well's Time Machine in Czech and English. Can't actually read or write in it that well, but I spent enough time hearing it to speak it. It's easier than speaking Jihad. You just speak weird Slovak.

>>730607821
>smoke a bunch of VZ because we have ars and uzis and shit that actually works
>fucking scramble when we find a break
>90 mph to Caracas all the way
>prepared to have to fight our way out of the country
>State Military is happy we fucked up mmilitary
>mmilitary gets told we were paid the the military sponsored police to kill the brujos
>spies get mmilitary guys in trouble
>can't even do counterinsurgence right in fucking Venezuela

>>730597235
I fucked my friend's sister

>>730599787
Fucking nice, you are a legend.
It's pretty sad, I would love to visit those countries

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post moar please

>>730608431
Thanks for anwsering and did you like it there ? Do you like czech republic ? And where did you live when you lived there ?

>>730608014
It's the closest thing I have to a "Rambo" moment.

>>730608068
ROE's are relatively lax in Venezuela. Just because everyone is always shooting. And no one really knows who or why most of the time. We just didn't have to pick a side after he got shot.

>>730608346
You are most certainely welcome anon.

>>730608431

>I don't really care about politics. I'm essentially a merc with a pencil.

/pol/ mostly gossips about current events they find interesting, which is dangerous situations in other countries. Seems relevant to your line of work and your desire to continue living.

>>730602052
what did I just read

>>730608770
Well, everyone still calls me Elvis. So I kinda am in that regard. VZ is fine if you stay in Caracas and never leave your room. Belize is pretty chill though. Columbia ain't bad either actually.

>>730608826
I bought 4 sheets of acid for 8 euros. Yes, I liked it there. I bounced between Prague and Bratislava while I was there.

>>730608860
Let's see, what's another interesting story? How about one that doesn't involve guns?
>be in Caracas
>just got moved back from Belize
>was there about 6 weeks
>Belize has tequila, but apparently it's called mescaline when it's not made in the "Tequila" region of Mexico
>like Mexican bourbon I guess
>get used to ordering mescaline in Belize
>forget about mescal
>don't confuse mescaline and mescaline
>anyways, I'm in a bar with some grunts after getting back
>guy offers to buy me a drink because I'm Elvis Goatfucker
>tell him I've been drinking a lot of mescaline
>he goes to the bar and asks for 2 shot of mescaline
>bartender asks "mescaline or MESCALine?"
>dumb grunt shouts "MESCALine!"
>he doesn't speak brown very well
>we drink a few rounds of MESCALine
>after around the 90 minute mark things get weird
>walls become amoebas
>me and dumb grunt are the only 2 people on this level
>basically lose our collective shit
>I guess I stripped naked and ran home at one point
>he punched out the bartender for giving him devil juice
>at some point between the bar and my apartment I wound up with another man's pants
>that man deserves a medal
Also, don't order a rum and coke in seedy bars in Caracas. Similar thing.

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>>730609881
>at some point between the bar and my apartment I wound up with another man's pants

>>730609235
>implying I have a desire to keep on living
I mean, I guess having /pol/ as a basically global contact might be nice. But I don't really get /pol/ culture. Or really enjoy most of the board. Maybe I could liven it up with a merc thread or something.

>>730610273

Oh yeah, it's free speech aimed at politics. There's constant bait threads being spammed by bots, but also plenty of good threads in between. There is no real board culture, everyone calls everyone a fag if they do something dumb, but in general they're bloodthirsty freedom loving people.

>>730610260
You ever done mescal? Also, imagine a white guy running naked through Caracas at like 1 am. My firecrotch was probably burning so bright I was waking niggas up.

>>730610468
no I haven't. after reading that I'm not sure if I want to or not. on the one hand, it sounds like a blast if you know it's coming. on the other hand, I have enough pants.

>>730610425
Oh. I don't actually care about other people's opinions. I'm the asshole that actually sees the shit firsthand. They're allowed opinions. But me and the tax-free money I fight for don't have to listen.

>>730610772

Yeah, you're a content creator which is why they'll fucking love you there.

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I have had a boring life so am bumping with secondhand stories

>>730609796
A real story. Now you want your own toy, don't you?

>>730610614
>I have enough pants
I shot vodka out of my nose when I read that. It's great if you know you're doing it. If not, it's like being roofied and slipped acid at the same time. You don't realize you're gone until it's too late. Also, I still have those pants.

>>730597235
This happened while I was in middle school.

>Go to school in small town in southern Sweden
>Around 25% of people in my school are immigrants and around 25% are rednecks
>The immigrants and the rednecks are pretty much rivals
>One day just sitting casually with 3 of my friends on lunch break
>See immigrant chick from our class argue with redneck chick from another class about some shit
>Small fight ensues
>they both go separate ways, immigrant chick goes into bathroom and redneck chick just walk away from the spot
>5 minutes later, now there's like 8 more people with us
>All notice immigrant chick walking out of bathroom carrying the bathroom mirror
>One of us asks where she's going
>She doesn't answer and leaves the building
>All of us stare in silence through the window at her walking away with the mirror
>Suddenly she just stops
>Lifts the mirror up over her head
>Hulk smash.jpg
>Mirror shatters all over the ground
>She just casually walks away
>We never saw her again

>>730610837
I might check it out then. Someone should screencap my shit for me. Because I'm drunk and phone posting. Or not. Real talk though, most of my job is pretty boring. And I can't actually say what I transcribe because NDA's. But if anyone can speak a second language, hit up security companies. Make hella dosh.

>>730609796
was it worth the read?

What up /b/, I haven't been on this shithole in a while. I've been inspired by the guy telling the Venezuela story, so I'll give this a whirl.

> be me working for a funeral home
> enjoyable job and great co workers
> normal day today
> set some vaults and dig 2 graves
> 1 grave down
> 1 to go
> really old cemetery/many poorly marked graves
> find unmarked infants casket from whothefuckknowswhen
> because I was digging with a backhoe and ripped it in half
> mostly decomposed baby parts fall out
> ohshitohshitohshit
> dig hole extra deep
> push casket + baby parts in bottom
> backfill.jpg
> never tell anyone at work
> problem solved.

>>730599334
I have actually never seen a guy able to speak czech, who is not coming from CZ. Great!

Why the fuck not, I like a good story.

>be me
>be 18 year old fresh out of highschool
>little shit with absolutely no plans for the future
>enlist in national guard
>eventually stationed in persian gulf
>>supposed to protect locals from rag head pirate fuckery
>seems easy enough, encounters with pirates are rare enough as it is. Worst case scenario we have to spray some fuckers with hoses, right?
>wrong.jpg

Cont?

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saving the war stories

>>730599975
mad cunt innit

>>730611607
yeah this is a military story thread now anyways, go on

>>730611678
>saving my stories
>calling skirmishes with no cassus bellus a war
>not saving a real screencap
You disappoint me man. I pour my soul and get this?

>>730611996
:,(

>>730611996
Eh, I'm tired of bitching about the VZ. Why don't I tell you about my couple months in Pakistan and Afghanistan while working with Poles?
>most recent assignment before coming back to America
>was originally supposed to go to Kuwait because of the flavor of Jihad they made me learn
>plans changed
>I wound up with some crazy Polish bastards
>I'd heard stories about them
>I was in the area, and czech is kinda like polish and arabic is kinda like urdu
>so sayeth the paycheck signer
>anyways, I'm working with our guys, Polish special forces, and American military
>I have to ride with the Poles because I'm the only one that can kinda communicate with them
>there's a situation 8 miles across the border
>Poles move out fast and I'm always ready
>their ROE's are different, so they just leave with me
>american military is still getting shit together
>we're going to an old Soviet housing complex full of jihads
cont

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>>730611996
There you go my good man
>>730612700
aww shit man

>>730612700
>Poles are nuts
>drinking vodka in truck
>while driving
>in enemy territory
>on the way to a 6 on ~40 fight
>niggas don't give no fucks
>stop at a chokepoint like all normal people do
>see an IED looking thing
>EOD guy is back in Pakistan with the rest of mine and the American troops
>driver punches gunner in gut
>pushes him down on the guys in the back
>pulls himself out through the gunner hatch
>looks at IED
>shakes his canteen
>drinks the last of his water
>fills canteen with piss
>throws canteen at what is most likely a bomb
>nothing happens
>he goes up and kicks it
>laughs and says it's a dud
>we continue on
cont

>>730611607
This isn't pre-typed, hang in there.

>on yet another inactive night one of the guys I'm stationed with wake up me and my bunk mate
>>fuckoff.png
>"you guys want to have a little fun"
>before either of us can formulate a response he produces a bottle of mystery liquid from his duffle bag
>goes on to say he traded 3 packs of cigarettes for it from a local claims its liquor laced with the tears of Abdiel (Arabic demon)
>>holyshit.jpg
>break out shot glasses
>relentlessly taking shots of mystery serum with no sign of slowing.
>burned like the jizz of a thousand Lucifers >>and not Satan making love to his wife jizz. this was Satan hate fucking a bitch that hes raping jizz.
>3/4 of the bottle depleted
>>shitfaced

Cont

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>>730612700
saving skirmishes with no cassus bellus stories again, but hopefully I'll do a better job this time because I feel bad

>>730612958
I'll give it a 4/10 because I still can't read it. But 11/10 for effort and drive.

>>730613176
>I've killed men
>I've been shot at
>been caught in an explosion
>seen shit human eyes never should
>I'm not afraid of much
>this man though
>he kicked an IED
>because the EOD guy was a 40 minute car ride away
>he kicked a goddamn IED
>anyways, we get to this place and they've got the bottom bloc sealed up
>they're on the upper levels
>>if you've never seen old Soviet housing blocs, they're made to both keep people in AND out
>>each floor is a seperate thing so they can keep on "scorched earth-ing" you
>my ROE's don't allow me to do a goddamn thing
>My guys and America is only about 20 minutes out after our IED misadventure
>I'm a terp, so I'm not allowed to shoot unless one of our guys is hit
>I'm the only one of our guys
cont

>>730613365
Am I supposed to be able to read these? Or are you just saving them?

>>730613937
>try and covince Poles to not start shit until America shows up
>both of them are allowed to shoot on sight because of the jihads' civvie shootings
>5 Poles, 2 Marines, and a dozen Rangers would fuck them up easy
>mercs need not be involved
>Poles drink a toast
>basically like the Klingons from Star Trek
>Today is a good day to die
>and they just fucking go
>I have no legal ability to do anything
>but I like these crazy bastards
>thankfully, the EOD guy showed up right after the first assault
>not much an EOD guy and a combat engineer can do, but at least they can shoot
>crazy Poles take half of one bloc by themselves while the 2 marines lay supressing fire on the other bloc

>>730614526
just saving, I'll put them together later

>>730614526
>by the time the "cavalry" arrived, I watched 5 Poles kill 5 coked up jihads each
>America cleaned up and I got whisked back to Pakistan
>there were no negotiations
>only Poland
Say what you will about Poland. Their special forces are bad ass.

>>730599787
Awesome story anon
>screen cap this

File: Venezuela Language Guy Story.png (743KB, 2920x3288px) Image search: [Google]

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>>730614728
only 4/10 ?

>>730615060
Danke friendo. I'm too drunk and phone to screencap. Some nigga is working on it though. All the VZ stories are mine too.

>>730615090

It's readable if you open it in a new tab and zoom in.

File: 1490638817053.jpg (72KB, 665x568px) Image search: [Google]

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>>730615090
Okay, I was wrong. You done did do'd it good son. I never thought my shitty life would go down in 4chan lore. wew. Pic kinda related. I'm gonna take a shit. Maybe it'll inspire me to dig up another tale. A lot just aren't that interesting except to other mercs.

>>730615556

Neh, these are for entertainment. Use bombastic language, maybe dramatize events a bit. We can't verify any of this anyway. It's like 50 shades of grey but for men, with manly men doing manly things.

Women like the idea of breaking a billionaire playboy into their personal slave. Men like the idea of breaking a Jihadi neck.

>>730602052
Jesus Fucking christ...
I will fap so hard now...

>>730602052

This is the shit that goes on the dark web. Install TOR and take a look at the hidden wiki if you want to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes. Also:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=nEpcY5JU120

>>730614728
Welp, if you will get us somebody to shoot and add to this some ideological reason...
You will have group of fanatic crazy poles...
Yup, we are as brave as we are stupid.

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>>730597235

I saved a cat from drowning in the toilet today.
>mfw when I took my foot off its neck

>>730615980
lol, if you could verify I'd either wind up in a ditch with a broken neck or find out a co-worker is a /b/tard. Or even worse, with a couple million in lawsuits and no way to find a job requiring a security clearance ever. I've been off for a while due to being wounded. Can't get back until october. Tried finding some shitty jobs to pass the time, but I can't legally disclose where I was or what I was doing. So it looks like I have massive gaps in work history. And some jobs to security checks and get spookered by me. How about my skull cracked story?
>be doing some transcribing in Caracas again
>just got back after a nice vacation
>spend most of my time there, but get sent out on field work when someone needs an extra hand
>I enjoy the downtime as much as seeing action
>ask me if I want to spend a couple weeks trying to recruit what is basically a cartel into VZ "army"
>why the fuck not?
>I like drugs, they like drugs, we'll get along great
>ANYWAYS
>we're in a kind of no-man's land
>it's basically a DMZ full of cartels and guerillas
>state military wants this cartel group
>we're authorized to give them land legally and/or payment so long as the state clears it
>>I don't know why people say Venezuela is communist, because money and power buys everything
>wind up working out a deal where this cartel gets paid and is allowed to keep cartel-ing so long as they only sell outside of the country
>>I'd been promoted into a position where I could terp for negotiations by this point
>our guys and VZ forces are assigned to train the guys
>I'm kept on as basically a liason
>still no operator, but I can hold my own
>get to play drill sarge sometimes
>pretty fun, especially since I'm younger than a lot of these guys
>rival cartel is working with a local group of guerillas
>figure they won't attack with VZ, pmc, AND rival cartel
>once again, I was wrong

File: 1492841621004.jpg (45KB, 680x464px) Image search: [Google]

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>>730611237
Which ones specifically? I just got my dd214, and I speak English, Spanish, and German fluently. I don't mind having to shoot at stuff occasionally.

File: shillary-drumpf.webm (282KB, 720x720px) Image search: [Google]

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>>730597235
This is coming to your country in short order. Rothschild über Alles.

>>730607189
>French Guyana incident
Yeah, right. Like you're Humphrey Bogart on Devil's Island or something.

Lol looks like /k/ is leaking. I like it.

I got one slightly funny story
>be 17
>cruising around town with fellow shit head teenage bros
>I forget why but we had a airlift shotgun with us in the car
>i'm driving, Anon bro riding shotgun
>he's taking random potshots at street signs
>he accidentally(?) misses one of his shots and nails a little girl walking down the street in her eye it looked like
>we realize what happen and i just kept on driving
>see little girl's mom run over to see what's in the rear few
>car explodes with laughter

hahah good times

>>730609881
>Belize has tequila, but apparently it's called mescaline when it's not made in the "Tequila" region of Mexico
Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!
Belize makes rum.

>>730617108
I am aware. You are glorious fucking cunts. Only with them a couple weeks, but damn. Y'all niggas operate.

>>730617727
>rival cartel manages to infiltrate us somehow
>VZ are fucking stupid
>our guys are cocky
>cartel is just dumb
>explosives were planted
>somehow (for the aforementioned reasons likely) none of us notice
>sneeky breeky cunts in south America
>rival cartel swoops in on us while doing psuedo-boot
>we all think we can take them
>shit fucking lights up
>gunfire, shit exploding, screaming in a dozen different languages
>chunk of a building hits me in the back of the head
>concrete makes contact with my skull at around 300 feet/second
>I drop
>nothing
>VZ runs because they'd rather everyone be dead except them
>by the time I come to there is nothing
>I wander through rubble and smoke looking for anyone
>rival cartel got dead, but everyone bugged out after the fight to a safer place
>gather more men and take our dead
>pass out again up against a piece of what was a manufacturing room
>wake up to a dude fireman carrying me
>being concussed, I think I'm drunk and I tell the dude I'll piss on him if he doesn't put me down
>big german fucker I've worked with before freaks out
>totally thought I was dead
>get my first ever helicopter ride
>medevac'd to Caracas
>apparently I only survived due to a previous head trauma
>I broke my head in the same spot once, and it healed over harder
>Elvis Goatfucker never dies

>>730617833
Literally any. Try any random security company. Use Soldier of Fortune magazine if you have to. Just google "civilian contractor jobs" and browse websites to see if they have openings. Don't just apply though, send the recruiter an e-mail if you can.

>>730618271
I don't know what that is, but I'll assume it's a movie reference. But French Guyana isn't an island. And outside of civilized areas, that place is nuts. Hot black chicks though.

>>730618414
I had a damn near infinite amount of rum in Venezuela. I wanted to try something different and that's what I got there. South America/Carribean has fantastic run though. If you like rum, there's a Haitian rum called Samedhi? I think. Pretty dope.

>>730613937
>still can't read it
right click pic, open in new tab

>>730602482
True

>be me, about 19
>work in a frozen yogurt place
>winter, so i'm the only employee working, given how slow it is
>dad and girl come in, he's 50 something, she looks like she's about 14 or 15
>they get yogurt, pay, and sit down to eat
>it's a tiny store, no back office or anything, just a little galley/closet for some machinery
>go back to cleaning and hear crying
>curious
>"I'm sorry Sarah (Or whatever the girls name was), your mom and I just didn't know when to tell you"
>"It doesn't mean I love you any less"
>Oh fuck, he's telling her about a divorce.
>wrong, it turns out he was coming out to his little girl as gay, and I had to pretend not to hear anything and just work for over and hour while listening to him tell her every little detail about being gay.
>while she cries

>>730619299
Oh, and while I'm giving advice on pmc shit... If you're American, you can join the peace corps and do international teaching work. That looks good on a resume if you have a couple years under your belt. And try joining the Air Force. Pmc's buy out contracts for terps after they complete dlab training if they can convince the person.

>>730619299
>civilian contractor jobs
Just by curiosity how much were you paid in French Guiana ?

File: bump.jpg (48KB, 599x449px) Image search: [Google]

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don't let this 404

Please don't die I wanna hear more about elvis

>>730620385
As a terp you get varied pay depending on what you do and obviously how you "rank." There I think I made just over 10 grand in the ~6 weeks I was there. But that was including hazard pay. I make around 3 grand a month sitting in an office though. Tax free. You get paid a LOT more if you're actually on the ground. Either way, it's tax free. Plus you get paid more with higher security clearence, or for going to certain places. Hard to give a concrete answer on what you'll be getting paid.

File: 1463006061563.jpg (2MB, 1000x1644px) Image search: [Google]

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>>730620691
>wanting to hear about me
D'aw, anon. I'm touched. I dunno what else I could talk about. I've pretty much just spent the past couple months drinking and playing with cats.

>>730620792
Thank you for responding, you have others stories to share ?

>>730621012
I always try and help people if they want to do this. It's a hard life. Everyone hates you. But it pays pretty good and you deal with less bullshit that military. Usually. I dunno if I have any more GOOD stories. I could tell you about my "boot" for my pmc if you want.

>>730603959
You're a piece of shit

>>730621010
Same guy Elvisbro. I was phone posting from my bed, but I'm about to get on the computer and cap this.

>>730621376
sure why not. Do you think as a non US citizen I could apply in Xe or others PMC ?

>>730621376
post whatever man, just keep 'er going. and thank you for your stories so far.

>>730611487
Lol fuck

>>730617833
Fließend Deutsch?
Das glaube ich erst bis ich es sehe.

>german su/b/marine dude reporting in