Fluffy bread? Fluffy bread!

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>>726372782

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>>726372793

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>>726372819

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>>726372896

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>>726374433

So, I think it's time for another tale of Benito.

My roommate Craig (/b/tard emeritus and general cock) bought an ugly little green Smarty and named him 'Benito'. I thought it was to have a personal punching bag, but no, he actually fucking likes the crazy thing.

This isn't despite the fact that Benito is a would-be supervillain that thinks AA batteries are plutonium, but because of it.

So the other day, I get home and find that Benito is on top of the fridge. How did he get there? No clue. Not with those stubby little legs. But he's got a pile of scrap up there shaped vaguely like a giant turkey baster, and he looks entirely too smug.

I mean, more than usual.

"HYOOMAWN! Yew wiwh BOW befow meh!" He snarled. "Oh I wiwh STWIKE yeh dowhn wih' ma DEFF WAY!" He flicks a switch, and the thing starts to hum. I stare at him.

"Death ray."He nods. "Bennie, I just want a beer. I'maget a beer."

"Nevuh! This i-" I open the door and grab a beer. Pop the top. Benito glares at me, and then throws the other switch.

(Continued)

>>726377497

Okay, to be fair? I expected it to do nothing. Instead, it starts to whirr, and my forehead feels a little warm. Benito breaks out into maniacal laughter. Warmer. Way warmer. There's... like, a pinpoint of wind, and - yeah, it's actually kind of hot? I stare at him.

"I'm not dead yet."

"Becawse hyoomawns awe too fat fo' deff way to wowk wight away." He crosses his forelimbs and glares. I stare back. A few seconds pass. Still kind of hot, a little uncomfortable, but not too bad.

"You want some apple sauce?" His eyes widen. I give him a shit eating grin. I know that even if he can get to the top of the fridge, he can't open it.

"Yowr... offewing pweases the gwead Benito."

"Right. Here you go, stubbybutt." I pop the door again and hand him a cup of the applesauce, peeling the foil off, and then go about my business.

Half an hour later Craig starts freaking out, because he left his 'death ray' on and it melted his winter melon.

Yeah, turns out it DID actually kind of sort of work. It was his hair dryer plus a kind of crude jet engine compressing-funnel kind of... thing.

So, we have our first weapons ban in the house. Benito is not allowed to access 'particle accelerators'.

He is brooding over this. Craig is brooding over having to spend another three bucks on a winter melon. I am enjoying my beer, and the brooding-induced silence.

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It seems my IP range is no longer banned.

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Am I doing it right?

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>>726379563
"Softy bwead is good nummies fow mummah, thankew nice mistuh!"

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>>726375945

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>>726380111

>>726380037
I put rat poison in it.