My dad came in my room one day, lowered a sturdy index finger

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My dad came in my room one day, lowered a sturdy index finger in my direction and said with clarity and force, "Shut up."

I laughed because I thought he was telling a joke, but he followed up his demand with a repetition.
"I said, Shut up."
I stated, "I wasn't saying anything, dad." He hadn't moved his eyes from a hard lock with mine since he first came in the room.
"Three times. Shut up, you insolent little shit."
I was four.
"Dad, I wasn't saying anything! I was singing, okay! I was singing!"
I said, 'Shut Up,' now, you're going to get a spanking if you don't shut up."
"Dad! You're being mean!"
"[redacted], I'm only going to count to three one time, and then you're going to get a spanking, am I clear? Are you hearing me?"
"Dad, shut up!"
"Shut up the fuck up, you indolent shit. I'm gonna fucking kill you, motherfucker. Eat horseshit and die, you ignorant little fuck. If you so much as take one step near me and my Microsoft Combat Simulator I will tear you asunder and piss on your ashes."
"Dad, you're supposed to love me!"

He grabbed me by my arms, but I struggled, and he pinned me against the bed. He said, "Shut the fuck up. I'm raping you. Hear it, sucker." I started yelling for my mom. He growled in my ear, "She went to the store. She'll be right back, do you hear me?"
I started to cry and scrunch my face up.
"Yes, dad."
He pressed his fly into me and I didn't dare move anymore. He would rip me to shreds if I resisted. I felt my pants come off and I remember belts, denim and buttons. I remember grabbing the comforter. I could guess that's why they call it a comforter instead of just a duvet. Blood magic.

The feeling in my ass remains to this day as a monolith to my bloodline's inability to hold their shit together in the presence of young, skinny toddler ass.

This is one of my first memories.

He left no marks and I didn't end up getting spanked after all. My momma came home and I pretended I wasn't holding back tears as I stayed in my room, reading.