I sexually identify as colander. Ever since I was a boy my dream was to drain all the excess water off of pastarinos upon my body. You name it, I drained it. Linguinio, Fettucinio, ayyy bobba boo gotza. I loved every moment of it. Sure, there were times I would come home strained, but this was never an issue. Sometimes a little Rigatonio rolls out into the sink, ya' know? It wasn't until later in life that I had doctors tell me that I had to stop believing in my dream because the burns were getting so bad that the boiling water I had been pouring onto my skin was starting to make the old burns ooze with pus. The wounds got so infected that all I know how to do now is control + c and control + v. This left me feeling empty inside like I was filled with holes. I spend my days hiding away in my cupboard and watch Twitch streams because I feel like I don't belong in society. My name is Tony Starch and if you're reading this never take your colander for granted.
This copypasta is dum because queer folk never say "sexually identify". It's meaningless word salad.