I sexually identify as colander. Ever since I was a boy my dream

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I sexually identify as colander. Ever since I was a boy my dream was to drain all the excess water off of pastarinos upon my body. You name it, I drained it. Linguinio, Fettucinio, ayyy bobba boo gotza. I loved every moment of it. Sure, there were times I would come home strained, but this was never an issue. Sometimes a little Rigatonio rolls out into the sink, ya' know? It wasn't until later in life that I had doctors tell me that I had to stop believing in my dream because the burns were getting so bad that the boiling water I had been pouring onto my skin was starting to make the old burns ooze with pus. The wounds got so infected that all I know how to do now is control + c and control + v. This left me feeling empty inside like I was filled with holes. I spend my days hiding away in my cupboard and watch Twitch streams because I feel like I don't belong in society. My name is Tony Starch and if you're reading this never take your colander for granted.