Hey /b/, it's Satan. Ask me anything.

>>716786596
Why wasn't your post this?
>>716786666

how can you be him
when im the satans?

>>716786735
look man im not a god dude gimme a break

>>716786803
Tough question.

How close did they get with you in the show Lucifer?

Satan sir,
what are your thoughts on the cancer that is Winter-Faggots?

>>716786596
Did you like the story?

>>716786596
Do u like girls with big cocks Lord Satan?

>>716787081
It was a decent adaption. Personally I like to think I'm a more chill dude myself, but hey. We can't have everything.

>>716787213
They're a pain in the ass.

>>716787358
Kinda.

>>716787366
Who doesn't

>>716786596
Wheres waldo?

>>716786596
am I going to hell?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-P2FDonr2I
Do you like this video Satan
>>716786596
.

>>716786735
Because that's some bitch who's lording over someone because her friends and family are a bunch of fuckin faggots.
Satan's a woman, but not some dirt bag low life ass bitch who can't just walk the fuck away from a relationship and has to keep fuckin with the dude for years on end just because she can.

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>>716786596
You wish you were me, faggot.

>>716787475
Who cares that guys a faggot

>>716787480
Probably.

>>716787520
What the fuck is this

>>716787601
I really don't have time for faggotry rn

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>>716786596
Why did you make me sexually attracted to farm animals

Ey yo, why are my summoning spells for Beezlebub and Azaroth not working, fam?

They on vacation or what?

>>716787817
because it's funny

>>716787819
People do this summoning shit all the time.
Dude, get the message. It's all shit. Doesn't work. Just hit them up on snapchat or something idk

>>716787963
Sheit, I thought you niggas loved candles. Also Marax and Ipos had no problems coming over. Generals too big to fuck with the common man?

Why does by penis skin have more crease as you approach the scrotum and around the head than it does at the base of the shaft? Is it so that when you are sexing a girl it forms a perfect seal preventing poop from falling out and attracting predators?

>>716788222
I suppose so. They only fuck with real af niggas rn, like dudes with lots of cash. Once you're a big name you can't really just go to every summoning.

Beezlebub' a dick anyway tbh

>>716788305
Ask god dude that ain't me

>>716788424
I get it, shit to do, people to corrupt.

>>716788517
But I thought you invented evolution

>>716788609
Yeah you get it. You have to prioritise the bigger names with the bigger wallets, if ya feel me

>>716788305
Yeah no, don't ask me, ask your dumb ass parents why you're so fuckin stupid.

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>>716786596
whats your second name?

>>716788626
I wish I did. Evolution is cool though. Not real, but it's a nifty idea

>>716788877
Why am I so fucking stupid

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Why can't I stop getting dubs?

>>716788883
My homies call me Lucy

>>716789031
You seemed like kind of a fag, what can I say

>>716789071
Satan wills it.

>>716786596
How do I resist my filthy dark desires for fondling moist kitchen appliances?

>>716789031
I'm not your parents kid.

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>>716787601

>>716789390
Just do it. I don't care you're going to hell anyway for that thing you did last month

>>716789544
Um who the fuck are you

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>>716786596
where the fuck is my self replenishing bottle of rum?
the deal was i would bring you 9001 souls in exchange for immortality and a self replenishing bottle of rum.

>>716789768
9500, moron. Were you even listening?

>>716789706
Some guy on drugs.

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>>716786596
My asshole was itching so I scratched it through my boxers but it got gritty anyways and I wiped it off on my mousepad but then I forgot and picked my nose (real squishy in there) and now all I can smell is shitty asshole which would be a lot worse if I actually breathed through my nose but basically I shot some olive oil up there and now I can't stop sneezing please kill my stepdad

>>716790094
I'll try my dude

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>>716789967
fuck, sorry about the mistake.
its been 30 years, bound to fuck up.
ill have the remaining 499 souls in 5 months.

Oh shit waddup

It's me jesus

Dads looking for you

>>716786596
Satan you're not in the house.

>>716790320
SSSSHHHH
>Damnit

>>716786596
Do you love us?

>>716790320
Tell him I'm playing golf or something I don't want to talk to that cunt right now

>>716790294
Sweet see you then

>>716790437
The fuck did you just say?

>>716790507
You're on /b/, of course the devil loves you

>>716786596
How much is my soul worth and can I sell it to you right here right now?

>>716790576
I love you too!

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>>716790576
we're still up for watching every movie ever in 2999 right?

>>716790746
No thanks, already have a surplus of souls atm. Get back to me soon though and I'll see what we can do

>>716790766
<3

>>716790874
Fuck yeah my nigga

What's it like in hell?

>>716786596
Ken Ashburn's Jewish agenda is Turing [sic] me into a furry please turn me into a goatman with the penis of six gorillas

>>716791003
It's pretty chill. We got some real niggas up here - Hitler, my boy Nixon, the homie ER the supreme gentleman. We even got Chipotle a few weeks ago it's fuckin ace

>>716791028
Yeah no thanks dude that's fucking weird

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>>716790920
sweet.
and could you tell beelzebub to stop shitting in my microwave, no idea how he sneaks in my place without me knowing

>>716786596
Can you come to my house and tell my mother I'm not you so she'll quit belting me in the teeth or at least make her take the buckle off I don't even fucking care

>>716790437
Satan you're nowhere

>>716791318
We talked about this man there's only so much I can do

>>716791302
I'll try, but he's real hard to get a hold of these days. Especially with this Montana congressional run

>>716791388
Say that shit to my face motherfucker

>>716791573
Satan. I'm your father
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IOj3OpmaL0

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>>716786596

>>716791978
Simpler times....

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where is di daughter?

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The dry air's given me a terminal case of crocodile dick so masturbation feels like jerking off an armadillo. Now blood squirts out from a thin crack in my dickhole painting my mattress crimson which gives me about fifteen minutes to jerk off before I get lightheaded so can you make my internet faster so I at least have a fucking chance of getting off before I become anemic thanks

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>>716786596

https://youtu.be/aOcU-PysSJ0

>>716791978
Eat shit you hippie faggot
'Oh look at me with my miracles'
'Oh look water into wine'
Shut your dumb ass up

>>716791975
Sorry, we only have reality TV down here so idk what that is

>>716792141
i wish I could speed up your internet but we still have dial up so sorry buddy

>>716792139
Behind the sofa? Idk man why are you asking me this shit

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>>716791573
thanks man. and i know he's rushing about, he left skid marks last time.
anyway, if you need anything you know i'm willing to help.
oh and the netflix password was changed by uriel,
its now "Michael1sAsatyr" fuck knows why they changed it.

Would you be willing to check 'em?

>>716792571
Thanks dude, that shits been bugging me all week

>>716792543
Don't forget walking on water and healing the blind, that a hell of a lot better than being the most beautiful.

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>>716792707

>>716792543
Vain little shit.

>>716792188
damn

>>716786596
Is there weed in hell?

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>>716792742
i know, they only told me 3 hours ago after i took their wings away.
you should really put some sort of protection on that shit, stop them from fucking it up again.

i gotta start getting souls.
ttyl sam

>>716793081
nicceee

>>716793084
No fucking shit there's weed in hell

>>716793090
Ay cya my dude

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>>716793271
oh please, call me gasmask
or something like that
(no idea why i used squirrels in this thread)

>>716793271
Shit weed, the good shits up top, but we don't even smoke it, there's so much we have whole houses we just throw it in the fireplace in and just hang out.
Ever wonder why Heaven's above the clouds?

>"God?" I managed to squeeze out between raggedy breaths.

>I had never been very religious but in my delirium, that was my first thought. I remember the sky and the taste of blood before my eyes opened to pure brightness. I couldn't make out any detail but the light seemed to emanate from a winged, human-like figure. Were those horns or was it a halo? It all became blurry as tears welled up in my burning eyes. Even closed, I could see the figure seared blue-green into my eyelids.

>Peals of thunder exploded in my brain, one after another like machine gun fire. It sounded vaguely like laughter. It wasn't a voice that responded but my body. It felt like invisible hands had gripped my ribs, my heart and stomach. Overwhelming nausea washed over me and I screamed as my body convulsed with pain.

>"NO!"

>All at once the pain stopped. It seemed I had answered my own question. I remained quiet, fearful that any further probing would result in more physical anguish. After some time a voice spoke out.

>"You disappoint me. He was wrong about so many things. And yet right about others."

>I was terrified but eventually curiosity overcame the memory of pain.

>"Who are you?" I asked timidly.

>>716793688
>"He was the Creator but I gave you knowledge. I have been called deceiver and antagonist. I believe that these days you call me -"

>"Lucifer," it came out of my mouth as a whisper.

>"Indeed." The voice responded.

>For a moment I thought I was in hell. There was nothing here except for brightness. I could feel the presence but the human-like figure had gone. Perhaps I had just imagined it.

>I simply sat there for some time. It felt like centuries at the time but looking back now it was only a few moments before I became restless.

>"What am I supposed to do?"

>The voice responded for the last time, "Do as you will."

>So I did.

>There was something special about this place in the early days. Everything was malleable. At first the silliest things please you. I've lived multiple lifetimes as James Bond, I became the world's greatest rockstar and a pro-athlete sometimes all at the same time. Of course, I've slept with literally millions of women. Men too. I've tried it all. From the sickest and most twisted, fastest and reckless to thousands of lazy, hazy Sundays. BBQs with family on sunny days to walking on the moon and slaying Ctulhu of the Deep.

>None of that interests me anymore. I did not want to be the star anymore, so I became the director. I built my own universe from scratch. I created servants that would unflinchingly carry out my will and sing my praises eternally. I made a world and watched it grow but even that lost it's lustre.

>In the end, there was only one thing left to do. I created my equal. And it was good. For the first time in a very long time I don't know what is going to happen. I see him ahead, my broken servants at his feet. And now he comes for me.

>Lucifer watched on. He had witnessed the same thing innumerable times before. They were all the same. Man and God fell prey to the same errors. Lucifer could not understand why the Lord had favoured them so. The tests would go on.

>>716786596
Why are you going back on our deal

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I am a being of unfathomable and endless sadness. The mere viewing of my words has planted a seed of despair within you. It will continue to grow until you are consumed by the darkness of your thoughts. There is no more joy in your future. You may not notice it now, but when the seed finally blooms you will remember this encounter. Removing the seed is impossible. This is my curse, and now it is yours.

However. As is custom of this place. If you are capable of rolling trips in this thread I will free you of this fate. If you roll quads everyone will be saved. Quint and I will not meddle in your realm for five years.

>>716793688
>>716793779
what

>>716793887
Because it's fuckin gay