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Stupidest shit youve done while horny

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 303
Thread images: 47

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Stupidest shit youve done while horny
>>
>>699735884
had sex with my married ex.
>>
>>699735884
U 1st.
>>
>>699735884
Masrurbate to this picture
>>
>>699735884
Fuck a jar of peanut butter. (And also other soft jarred items.)
>>
>>699735884
your mom
>>
>>699735973
Are they still together? Has the husband found out?
>>
Put my peepee into a girl's vagoo
>>
>>699736080
yes and no.
>>
>>699735884

Pizza
>>
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>>699735884
ejaculated on cat's face
>>
>>699736109
[deleted]

deleted for having too much cringe content
>>
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>>699735884
didn't had sex (I mean cmon, how stupid IS that!)
>>
>>699735884
Called my ex
>>
Blew my load in a swimming pool
>>
>>699735884
>unrolled a whole toilet paper
>fold in half until dick sized
>pour water over
>squeeze water out until dick like thing is rock hard
>shove it down my throat and make myself throw up over and over like facial abuse type of stuff
>cum
>insta shame

done it a couple of times now
>>
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not the stupidest but i cracked myself up: was watching the olympics last night and i fapped to, & came, on the last note of the national anthem
>>
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>>699736308
I wanna see a penis with a smiley marked on it like picture related.
>>
>>699737574
topkek
>>
>>699737731
Kek
>>
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wear lipstick for a few minutes because there girls acted like they were into me
>>
>>699735884
fucked a banana peel
put big grapes into my ass

eh, judge me
>>
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>>699736152
Ew
>>
had a wank in the back of the car as my mum drove me somewhere
>>
>>699735884
Although stupid I did it on purpose cause I heard the shit on a stand up comedy thing. Busted a nut in my bros fishtank, mainly just cichlids. Jesus they gobble that shit up. I feld odd and was laughing my ass off at the same time but never felt guilt.
>>
Made a Hoover blowjob attachment out of empty toilet rolls and sticky tape , to this day I can't hear a days on without gettin a semi.
>>
went to ex gf's house and when she wouldnt fuck me, beat off into her OJ bottle
>>
I fucked my sink, my pillow and my ex gf in front of her new boyfriend
>>
>>699738769
that last one was win though
>>
>>699738769
How the fuck do you fuck a sink? Unless you're a chick and grinded it.
>>
>>699739100
Like I believe you but im genuinely confused.
>>
>>699735884

tried to get a fat girl to have sex with me

she was sober, i was not

so glad it was not done
>>
>>699739494
Atta boy. You feel some weird gross guilt the day after. You will probably do it atleast once but it's not uh. well when drunk yeah you gettin your dick wet it's fun then. Day after it's likewhat .. why? ugh. I only.. ugh. fml.

However fat chicks need love too. Just not from some of us.
>>
>>699735884
Sex in missionary position for the purpose of procreation
>>
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>>699739882
Jesus christ man.
>>
>>699739100
Well i put lube on my dick and started thrusting onto the cold, gorgeous, perfect surface of that sink
>>
>>699735884
>My oldest niece is just 3 years younger (big family, my oldest sister is much older) but lives 200 miles away. We know each other, but aren't close
>She gets engaged to a guy that lives in Chicago, like me, she'll be moving to Chicago. That's ok. I guess
>She moves, prepping for the wedding, I take her to my favorite places. She's sweet
>I go to my favorite bar. She is there with college friends doing a bachelorette
>Real low key, just 5 women drinking too much wine
>She sees me, introduces me to her friends
>Later I am about to leave,she asks me to take her home because she drank too much
>She seems fine, but, take her home
>Get her to her place, tiny studio on a 3 month sublet while she preps for wedding
>Getting her to bed, grabs me, kisses me real hard and long
>Looks at me - she isn't drunk
>Says, "I always loved you, uncle anon, I always loved you"
>Starts rubbing my dick
>fuck her right there on the floor
>After she is kissing me, says "Now I will not be a virgin bride"
>Fuck her twice more before morning
>She thanks me, says she will marry him but always really love me
>She marries that weekend
>Honeymoon baby comes 9 months later, she tells me it is mine, names him after me, her favorite uncle
>>
>>699740005
No but like. what? Theres too many questions and I can't take that long. good job?Musta been one hell of a special sink.
>>
When going out, i hooked up with a 4/10 with a huge cleft lip for one night.(rating based on her looks without her fucked up mouth).
It was because i wanted to feel what kind of sensation it would give when kissing and getting a bj from one.
>>
had sex with my ex.
>>
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>>699735884
>be me in college
>renting a townhouse with my buddy and 2 mutual female friends
>one night, trippin on mushrooms watchin devils rejects
>sheri moon in the ragged jean shorts, horny as fuck
>fappin, hard but not gettin very far
>idea to raid one girls veggies for a cucumber to fuck
>ineedreleasenow.png
>gettin closer but its still not quite enough
>go back and get smaller cucumber and long thin zucchini
>now using cucumber as pocket pussy while dildoing ass
>cum.fucking.buckets
>no idea what to do with cum filled/shit covered veggies
>cant throw them in trash can
>garbage pick up not for a few days

Mfw i had rotting sex toy produce wrapped in a towel under my bed for almost a week.

Mfw the smell was awful, stunk up the whole first floor.

Mfw i threw the whole towel away and the girl (nonveggie owner) went to pull it out of the trash and everything fell out, half in the trash half on the ground.

Mfw everyone knew it was my old invader zim beach towel
>>
>>699736035
did it feel good
>>
>>699735884
mastrubated on a lecture
>>
>>699737731
didnt it burn
>>
>>699740148
i wasnt quite serious in the post above, it wasnt a special sink, just happened in that moment because i was horny af
>>
>>699735884
Left my wife for a week and fucked someone else. Realized it was the most retarded thing I had ever done. Sorted things out with wife.
>>
>>699740236
I had a friend that was always at parties but she was at best 4/10 Not full fat but husky build. That bitch like knew if I was drunk and sleeping somewhere that she could get some from me.

I didn't care for the most part but some of the dirty ass looks I got from friends the day after were horrible. She basically took advantage of me all the time except twice where I kinda said "fuck it" but then she asked for a relationship one day. lol Seen her once since and that was in a hallway at a hockey game
>>
Fapped in the HT pipe storage of a company
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>>699740322

Cucumbers are fruit.
>>
>>699740501
I know man lol. Just saying if you "fucked" a sink it mustaq been some weird low bowl shit without the plug etc. if you just rubbed your dick on it and blew a load on it or something thats diff.I heard "Ifucked a sink" and my brain died a bit.
>>
>>699740067
Semi good soft porn fiction
>>
I grinded a little girl sitting on my lap on a rocking recliner chair until I came. We were clothed. Def felt ashamed after
>>
>>699740322
top kek faggot
invader zim was great
how dare you waste that towel
they really dont make cartoons like they used to
>>
tried shoving a bottle of hotel shampoo in my ass without lube or anything
>>
>>699740883

how little?
>>
>>699740982
I was about 13 or 14 maybe. She was probably 6 or 7
>>
>>699740883
Well you may turn out to be like this when you age a bit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCoZvE9DctA
>>
>fucked crossdressers I find on Craigslist
>picked up nasty street whores
>ate out street whore
>blew thousands on strippers
>hired tranny escort to fuck my ass
>gotten sucked off at glory holes
>hosted a jerk off session with 2 other men
>gotten sucked off by many men
>fucked sisters female friends
>met many women online and fucked
>>
>>699740896
I do regret tossing the towel. It had just reached that worn in point of perfect absorbtion/softness.
>>
>>699741121
See now wild is okay if thats what you want. But Craigslist? Do you have every STD now?
>>
> Just broke contact with old rommate i was bangin and really iked
> meet new girl
> can do A LOT better
> she is super slut
> bang a bunch, she a whore
> end up in horrible relationship with ugly chick
> only redemption is fuck her in ass pretty much every day
> lost a year of my life
>>
girl was passed out in my room
i was super horny
jerked off in same room
found out later she was actually awake
>>
>>699735884
>get iPhone 5s
>play with slow motion video
>wanted to see my dick hit something in slow motion.
>hit erect dick on dresser
>watched replay
>fucking sweet
>thought gf would like to see.
>video doesn't send in slow motion
>normal paced video of me beating the fuck out of my dresser with my cock.
>gf thinks I'm a psycho.
>breaks up with me.
>If it wasn't so funny, I would have cared.
>>
>>699741260
As long as you didn't blow it on her her probably enjoyed it. You gave her a free show.
>>
>>699741216
I got the clap once, got checked last week clean as a whistle!
>>
I ate my mom's pussy when she was drunk and after she came I asked her to give me a blowjob. I went to bed after I came in her mouth just thinking about how hot it was. Couldn't sleep so I snuck into her room and fingered her while she was asleep. She woke up during so i whipped my finger outta there and I acted like I just wanted to ask her if she was sleeping or not because I had a question.

I ate my girlfriends pile of shit and she face fucked me with a dildo until I puked it all up into a bowl and then I drank it all while I masturbate with a big anal plug up my ass.

I ate my exes finger nails and shaved armpit hair in a glass of piss and chased it with a glass of red wine that had her used tampon in it.

I blew my friend in a hot tub until he came in my mouth.

I developed a 10+ year long relationship with a female friend who expects me to see her once a week to suck her toes and worship her feet and sometimes eat her pussy until she cuts. She sometimes let's me cum on her feet and massage it in.
>>
>>699741454
kek
>>
>>699741097

awesome work.
>>
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>>699741454
>normal paced video of me beating the fuck out of my dresser with my cock.
Top kek
>>
>>699735884
Fucked a jar of Vaseline.

Fucked two couch cushions put together.

Fucked my mom's bikini in the crotch area.

Fucked the Jacuzzi in a hotel
>>
>>699741260
I came close to nailing a friends GF but I was basically blackout drunk when I crawled in her bed. She semi hit on me when she woke up but then probably realized I wasn't brown and wtf'ed. I wtf'ed and asked if I could sleep again. Friend made fun of her.
>>
>>699741454
show this video to /b/! it will entertain /b/ros
this one already love your idea
>>699741592
>>
>>699741454
>>699741789
this one also seems to be amused!
>>699741696
>>
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>>699741454
im crying
>>
>>699741573
anything else happen with your mom, before or after that? does she remember?
>>
>>699741110
Nah I'm def not a pedo. I wasn't attracted to her or any child ever. Her bony little butt was pushing on my clit and then when she would stop moving then I would
>>
>>699735973

Been there, we were both remarried

while fucking
>still MY pussy
>still the biggest she's ever had
>biggest nostalgia/good ole' days hard on
>why did we divorce?
>damn these tits are amazing

.002 seconds after finishing
>fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
>will this crazy bitch keep her mouth shut
>what the fuck was I thinking
>did i just risk all the gains I've made financially for pussy I threw away 4 years ago
>jesus, I just cheated on my far superior 2nd wife

I don't know if I recommend it. It was amazing, but the anxiety that followed it was pretty intense. When ex-wife got dumped by second husband (3 years later), I seriously hoped I could bluff and deny it if she claimed we fucked, and just say it's another of her crazy manipulative scams.
>>
>>699742031
Can i see your butt
>>
>>699741723
Con't

Soaped up the bathtub and fucked it

Fapped in the car at night in the back seat while parents driving

Fucked a Victoria's secret catalog
>>
>>699742097
No, anon
>>
>>699741561
Good shit. I almost slept with a chick who had the clap 5 years ago on saturday but if I did I woulda been running into her sister, mom, dad and neice They called from the airport and when my cab showed up they were in the driveway. 8/10 body 6ish face. i'll get it this week.and by it I really really hopefully mean not the clap.
>>
>>699738265
kek, that is pretty desperate
>>
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>>699742177
Thats cool, you aint got shit on my dream girl.
>>
>>699742031
It's cool man I was just joking.
>>
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>>699742177
if that anon can't, can i?
>>
>>699742031

that's really hot though, for us pedos.
>>
>>699742290
Kek
>>
>>699742290
Jeez looks like something from "the forest"
>>
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>>699741998
She remembers. She let me get stoned with her and lick her soles. I fingered her dry asshole when she gave me another drunken blowjob once.

Found her sectors and used to fuck myself in the ass with her dildo while she was at work and put it back under her bed before she came home.

Used to cum in her high heels while I inhaled the scent of moms dirty socks and sweaty gym pussy sweat.
>>
>>699741454
post that video, faggot
>>
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>>699740441
It's water. You know that doesn't really burn right?
>>
>>699741789
To be honest if I still had that phone I would. Sorry /b/ro. I haven't tried to recreate the stunt since. It's just a circumcised 6 inch dick wacking a dark wood dresser.
>>
>>699742459
Haha no
>>
>>699742489
The Forest? Do you mean Funky Forest? or am I missing out on another fucked up movie?
>>
>>699735884
Came on to my cousin. She wasn't into it. When she left she awkwardly told me "love you" like in a you are my cousin sort of way.

My dick gets me in trouble
>>
>>699742031
Will you write "hi Kais, <3 you" on a piece of paper and take pic while smiling and using paper to cover the top half of your face?
>>
>>699742757
its a game, pretty good for like 15 bucks on steam
>>
>>699742645
He's thinking chlorine.
>>
>>699742555
post pics of mom without face? Is she hot? When you bring it up, how does she act about it? Or does she bring it up more?

Also, you've never been able to fuck her?
>>
>>699736506
Is this a janitor-fag? You do realize you aren't supposed to make yourself known right?
>>
Jerked off while riding s horse
8/10 would do again
>>
>>699742757
It was this badboy I ment from the game
>>
>>699735884

>be 13
>home alone
>wear mothers panties and bra
>get upside down using bed as support
>give myself a facial

>be 30
>getting divorced, wife moved out
>before she left, we went to sex shop to try and spice up dead bedroom (bought dildo)
>go into her lingerie drawer (she left tons of "marriage reminders" behind)
>put on bridal nighty
>try and fuck myself in the ass with a dildo we bought

I will never forget when I looked into the dresser mirror and saw me trying to fuck myself in the ass while wearing bridal lingerie. The dildo? We bought it because I had terrible PE, and hadn't gotten my wife off in over a year.

>tfw you are fucking yourself with a fake dick you bought to try and please your wife.
>>
>>699735884
Say I love you
Bitch thought she owned me like a Kentucky Slaver after that
>>
>>699743054
You are a broken shell of what you were.
>>
>>699735884
When I was 19 I was working as a waiter at a diner and my 16 year old coworker wanted to hang out one day so we went to Ritas then to the park and I ended up fucking her like right in the middle of this open field that dozens of people walk through daily. Suprised we didn't get caught
>>
Tried to suck my cock by laying on my back and putting my legs behind my head. All I could get was a little bit of foreskin so I just decided to cut all over my face instead. Instant regret.
>>
Gotten Asian massage parlor happy endings. On like 7 occasions now. Bullshitted some dumb fat chick I met on tinder like three days prior that I was catching feelings so she would drive over an hour to fuck me.
>>
I masturbate to floor tiles...
>>
>>699743054
Geez, depressing
>>
>12 yrs old
>get off to swimsuit centerfolds
>would actually cum on the pages
>3 yrs later
>I come home from school
>mother is gathering items for a garage sale
>see my swimsuit magazines on the table
>instant cold sweat
>say hello to mother passing by kitchen
>her face is red
>I know she saw
>sister won't look at me
>11/10 embarassed
>say I need to study
>everyone tries to forget what happened
>>
>>699741454
Top kek
>>
>>699742844
Oh I know that game. Yo go watch Funky Forest. It's weird jap shit but .. uh .. yeah
>>
>be me
>22 pm and I'm alone
>gf sends me some nudes
>horny me gets an idea
>didnt't fapped for a week bc of internet issues
>start fapping to gf's nudes
>about to cum
>I stand up bc I don't want to get cum all over me
>burst with a force of 1000 suns my jizz into the air
>cum is flying everywhere because it's windy
>feelsgoodman.png
>notice that someone is watching me
>a pair is sitting 10 meters away from me
>they just watched spraying my jizz all over the place
>cringe.gif
>I jump off the rock and run like usain bolt
>>
>>699743006
I only remember that shit when it was invul in alpha or beta or whatever.
>>
>>699735884
Lose my virginity to a $10 hooker by the railroad
Fuck prostitutes bareback
this one probably doesn't count as stupid but being a bull to a cuck couple I met on craigslist (most satisfying fuck I've ever had)
>>
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>Married to nice, attractive thin woman.
>Missing out on big ol tits and phat asses
>Chat up married bbws from craigslist
>Meet up, make out, play with tits, etc.
>Comes close to time to fuck, I lose interest, cause fat chick
>Cease communication, rededicate to hot chick at home
>Time goes by
>Repeat

I see the cute bbws in pics and think that's what I want to fuck, but the reality isn't that. The are never huge titted fat assed cuties.
>>
>>699742471
Kys
>>
>>699743865
where the fuck were you laying/sitting?
>>
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>>699744019
Knigguh, You Speak The Truth
>>
>>699744160
Forgot to post it, I was sitting on a lonely rock at the beach
>>
Stick my dick in a peanut butter jar that was in someone else's house
>>
>>699744229
not so lonely after all
>>
>Be me
>haven't jerked off in a week or so
>go to jerk of
>take of glasses because they're annoying
>I cum at the speed of mach 10
>Cum in eye
>>
>>699736035
I remember you from this type of thread about a month ago haha
>>
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>>699737868
>>
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>cousin and i used to fuck as kids
>kinda tapered off as we got older and spent less time together
>she gets into pills in highschool
>i have good drug hookup
>start getting shit for her, recommending new shit to try
>get her hooked on k
>she gets into heroin
>i become her babysitter when she does hard shit
>whenever shes completely fucking gone i finger her, stick my dick in her mouth, fuck her pussy and ass, creampie, clean up, put on movie

Pretty sure her second child is mine.
>>
>>699742645
What's chlorine?
>>
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>>699735884
Shoved ice-cubes up my ass, whilst dripping hot wax on my cock.
>>
>>699744464
Money shotted youself
>>
i fuck my sisters friends leggings. sooo good
>>
Why is there fluoride in tap water? It is also an ingredient of rat poison.
>>
>>699744972
Why is there iodine in table salt? Its used to clean surgical areas.
>>
>>699743054
There's no shame in killing yourself at this point.
>>
>>699744972
Why is Judge Joe Brown not everyone's favorite drunk step dad?
>>
>>699743127
>>699743423

yeah, bad times. I was a mess

oddly enough, it kinda worked out for me

>meet new woman
>we flirt for a bit
>I'm still legally married, but wife is another state, and we are waiting for divorce
>new woman and I get sexual tension to fever pitch
>terrified to fuck her and reveal I'm a 2-pump chump
>the day comes and we are alone at her place
>fuck her brains out all weekend long
>I've been married to her for 8 years this December

Turns out that my PE was about anger/resentment at my 1st wife.

>new wife is a freak
>ball gags, bondage, "forced" feminzation, chastity, pegging on demand
>nothing works her up like a good whipping while I call her names.
>we have a home made sex tape collection that is bigger than /gif

Sometimes you have to go through some shit to make yourself happy, which I am.
>>
>>699744929
that actually sounds pretty fuckin dank
>>
Oh boy, where do I even start.

>Hollow out a loaf. Fill it with olive oil. Fuck.
>Suck my own dick.
>Cum in spoon. Smear cum on face.
>Fuck ass with banana
>Wear sister's swimsuit. Cum.
>Cut holes in wetsuit. One hole for my dick and one for my ass.
>>
>>699741454
this is the funniest thing ive read in weeks
>>
>>699740005
Are you by any chance attracted to floor tiles?
>>
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>>699744972
why is this poster in this thread? he's also a tremendous faggot
>>
>>699745446
And here I thought I was a degenerate. I'm a normy compared to you.
>>
>>699744972
Why is there oxygen in water? Oxygen is highly flammable.
>>
>>699744972
you know what else is an ingredient in rat poison? water, dip shit, your logic
>>
>>699737868
so fucking hot , keep letting your sexual organ takes all the decisions :)
>>
>>699745609

I was a kid when I did all that stuff as well. I've become more "normal" as an adult. Still haven't fucked a girl in the ass tho.
>>
>>699744972
Why is there dopamine in my brain? Its highly addictive.
>>
shaved my cock and balls, and put my dick in a bathmate fullblast while fingering my anus and sweating like a madman in a cold shower....
I was also high on amphetamine and hadnt slept for 2 days.
>>
http://www.strawpoll.me/11005959

>>
>>
flushing my head down the toilet to make laugh a hot girls
>>
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Put on my cousin's panties and jacked off in them. Don't really regret it, though. Just wished I could find her used ones so I got pussy juice all over my balls.
>>
>>699735884
cry while drinking
>>
About to hop in the shower now and take the entirety of my doc johnson dick rambone. Have been able to take it to the balls for about 2 weeks now and i love the sensation of a dick buried in my guts past the bottom of my rib cage.
>>
>>699735884
went to a local brothel and wasted 15 of my 20 mins talking to the whore about Satanism (fuck knows how we even got into that conversation, it just kinda happened)
>>
>>699741097
At least you weren't 50, that's something.
>>
Fapped in a GCSE PE exam (15-16 yr olds for non-brits) with about 200 kids sitting around me doing a test. Was super tricky since it was such a high risk situation, I had to put myself into like a trance to actually cum. Definitely worth it though, felt amazing to do it in public like that.
>>
>Be me at a party
>8/10 girl mixed adderall with alcohol
>She's don goofed
>She has a bf but tells everyone they are just friends with benefits
>Starts flirting with me
>Talk to friend if I should smash or pass
>Girl comes to us and flashes her tits
>He tells me to smash because 10/10 big boobs
>Mfw I fucked her like there were no tomorrow
>Mfw she didn't remember shit about the night
>Her bf never found out either

I would usually fuck her during parties when she was like this
>>
>>699745369
Good bro, glad it turned out well for you.
>>
>>699744019
Agreed anon. Too many times I've come to this same realization.
>>
>>699735884
Stoke my cock off cam while talking to my friends wife I had the hots for. We skyped because she was bored and wanted to talk. husband was out of town.

Put my sisters panties over my face while jerking off.
>>
>>699735884
Paid niggers to tongue my anus
>>
>>699735884
Paid for pron.
>>
>>699741136
feelsbadman.jpg
>>
Peanut butter on dick

let a dogger lick it off
>>
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>>699747873
Did you ask for the extra special foot massage?
>>
>>699741454
top fucking kek man
LEGEND
i will remember you
>>
> Didn't have access to porn at an excursion while in 5th grade.
> Had a "hightech" phone with the new color technology. 90's-fags will undestand.
> Used 8 dollars of gsm data to load some remotley pornographic gif animation off some site that sold ringtones and shit like that.
> Allowance spent, ejaculated onto a tree.
>>
i used once sand soap as lubricant to jerk off
>>
>>699740766
it's pasta
>>
>>699740322
Why in the fuck are you eating hallucinogens and watching rob zombie movies??
>>
>>699741573
No you didn't. Fuck off
>>
>>699735884
Fapped at the sight of my hot neighbours daughter in a pool and got caught by her.
Had to convice her that I was just urinating into the bushes. Not sure she bought it.
>>
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>>699737868
>>
>>699743006
ITT games we wish we had as kids with no fap material
>>
>>699748698
ackchually, seconded
>>
At camp on top bunk be 16 getting ready to go to sleep. All lights off I decided to jerk off while bunkmate was on bunk below. Blew load all over my chest and didn't think about preparing to clean it up ahead of time. Used my fingers to scoop up my warm jizz and used my mouth to dispose of it.
>>
>>699744972
Why la there hidro-cloric acid in my stomach? If it is highly corrosive
>>
>>699740531
Good boy
>>
>>699748561
I used butter. aftermath smelt terrible. never again. Atleast I got to play some wc2 after that though.
>>
Promise real, endless, passionate, limitless, forever, babies and happy family included, true love. Which in fact was bullshit, I just wanted to fuck...
...
. .
.
Ohhhh, also tell her she was the most beautiful woman and that I care of her. 7/10 always fall for that
>>
Used to live just across the river from a girl i messed around with in grade school. I gave her one of my walkie talkies and laser pointers. Whenever we wanted to talk we would shine the laser into each others bedroom windows. Used to ask her to hold the walkie talkie "down there" when she would pee. Dad over heard us one day. Told my dad, i went to counselling
>>
>>699744806
sauce on pic
the churning feeling in my stomach makes my boner harder
>>
>>699748855
Fap to that? You must be crazy. This bitch scared the living fuck out of me when she jumped me in the game
>>
>>699746065
unfortunately the water washes that away
you might get a yeast infection though
itchy dick sure is fun man
>>
Told a girl whom I only wanted to have sex with that I loved her, seemed fine in my stupid horny motherfucker mind

I did not get to tap that
>>
>>699748539
Lord those times sure where hell
>>
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Used to get adrenaline boners as a kid and beat off to dino crisis and resident evil games.
>>
>>699749348
hey man it has tits and what looks like a stretched pussy
enough fo me
also i fap to xenomorph girls so this is kinda normal for me
>>
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>>699749892
tree spread seeds you gave some back. way to pay it forward
>>
Girl I liked was hanging out with a few guys across the street. I stood completely naked behind glass storm door and jerked off to her. Not sure if she could see me, but my mind made it real.

Showed my hard cock to a few guys during movie time in class.

Still an exhibitionist, go for walks and think about flashing my dick to strangers, working on improving my life so I can get a qt who will jerk me off in a theater or something
>>
>>699745653

It's not flammable, it's an accelerant.
>>
>>699750061
fuckin terrifying
>>
>>699735884
i tried fucking a banana once, it was messy, humiliating and my dick got all sticky.
>>
>>699750129
thfuck du d y f u hav seyuire?
>>
>>699738478
this is hilarious
>>
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSr_LCNqkuC99f2YbowjgRg/videos watched this video
>>
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>>699740322
Another part
>during the lull we didnt fuck we had a family dinner for a holiday (forget which)
>cousin is over, she was hot as fuck 9-10/10 all day
>long tan legs, volleyball players physique, gorgeous face, great tits and perfect ass
>get horny as fuck
>go downstairs to fuck my dog
>aunt and uncle come down to get cheesecake from chest freezer
>balls deep in bitch boxer pussy

Avoided everyone for months after that. Not sure if they ever told anyone.
>>
>>699745446
you're basically a performance artist. take that act on the road, anon
>>
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>>699750311
Over the period of this night probably but im on anti seizure meds so that shit musta been mild. Stop typing like a 3yo black kid nigga.
>>
>>699750564
>go downstairs to fuck my dog

stopped reading there mate, you're fucked.
>>
>>699750212
Ur dumm
>>
>>699735884
Fucked the wrong girl
>>
> be me
> sex ed in fifth grade
> teacher gives us chance to write questions on piece of paper and turn it in
> I write really weird and perverse question
> most other students questions are normal, teacher answers them
> teacher reads mine, gets disgusted look on his face
> other student asks, "who would write that!?"
> teacher goes on to next question without answering mine
>>
>>699750707
go on...
>>
>>699750627
ahhhh sheeeeeeeit im sorry fam
haha lol nigga be cool now aight? Mab cum over 2 my house and 37518 blaze it? haha
>>
>>699748539
>allowance spent, ejaculated onto a tree
best poetry i've read in weeks
>>
>>699750685

No u
>>
>>699750746
what was the q
>>
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I fucked a jaffa cake box
>>
>>699750564
hehe faggot made me poop in my man diaper
>>
>>699750243
same thing happens with bbw's
>>
>>699750679
Hey she came onto me first

Scratching behind her ears, she turns and walks a few steps away, turn around and give me the look while facin your ass and puss to me. I got up, followed her and she went right to my room. How am i supposed to take that??
>>
>>699735884

tried to kiss to my ex's friend, and blabbed some unflattering details, just as ex and I were reconciling

that was 18 months ago, ex is on opposite side of planet, friend is in another country, haven't talked to either since

still think about my ex every damn day, not pining for her, but it was the best damn relationship
>>
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>>699742645
>>
>>699751024
not the anon you replied to
but did her pussy smell like shit
>tfw lost your dogs trust
>>
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>>699750798
Nah been trying to sleep all fucking night and I just wind up doing more drugs then "calming" my shit anxiety down with vodka and pills. im good lol. Thanks for the offer
>>
>>699750227
No, it was a great release. Helps there were early square boobs to look at.
>>
>>699736044
I can't believe how funny and original you are.
>>
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>>699736152
Fucking disgusting, what the fuck were you thinking?
>>
>>699751206
>vodka and pills
no anon dont throw your life away i love you >////<
>>
>>699751153
No, just smelled like raw meat slightly past its prime. Her asshole smelled like shit tho.
>>
>>699750564
Howd it feel?
>>
>>699751256
i mean the pic
i totally understand fapping to non-realistic bewbies
>>
>>699751440
Better than human pussy. Its tighter, warmer, and she used to flex and unflex her vaginal muscles constantly. Sometimes i would just sit down on a chair, stick my dick in and let her milk it out of me.
>>
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>>699751256
You guys are fucking with my mind cause I know what you be talking about but. like. Just think about it. Some lonely bastard has obviously jerked it to Roblox or Minecraft when the internet is right there... full of debauchery and fun. Jesus christ.
>>
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>>699740322
>steal the only cucumber in the fridge
>shove it up my ass
>managed to fit a little less than half
>pull it out
>itscoveredinshit.png
>wash it off
>don't bother throwing it away
>threw it over fence one night
>mfw no one noticed
>>
>>699751423
Top kek
the worst/best part of that was you sniffed her asshole
i have the funniest image inside my head
>>
>>699751679
It wasnt about the square boobs, it was about the fear induced boner from gettin chased by a t-rex or zombies. The square boobs were tertiary.
>>
Went with a friend and his old roommate(chick)
Went out, got drunk
He leaves
Chick has crush on him and made a scene about him ditching her, fell asleep with her in the bed after staying out with her, made out, I was trying to get a hard but too drunk.. she tells me she doesn't feel comfortable doing her friend's buddy. I roll over and start playing with my junk and it wouldn't work ... So I pull her hand over and make fondle with it :( she's passed out and my dick still won't work and fell asleep spooning her. I don't know if she was conscious, she didn't say anything in the morning. I felt really bad and ashamed. saw her after some months and she was just being friendly asking what I have been up to... I wonder if she talked about with anyone. This the first time I'm sharing this :(( I still feel bad.
I guess her friend doesn't know still, they actually live together again but not dating... He's told me I should go after her a few times

6/10 a tad chunk but no where near fat


Fingered my ex in the back seat while her parents drove, and her younger sister passed out in the seat behind us after a Christmas party over her clothes. Everyone was drunk, she didn't stop me and passed out after she came. I felt ashamed, wondering if her mom noticed but didn't want to say anything. She did tell us she hopes we get married when we left.
:(


I never consider myself a sexual person.. I never try to flirt with girls or anything... Maybe I am a closet predator :(((

She can be a 5/10 to a 9/10 ... Bitches just don't look that great when you wake up next to them for 2 damn years

I'm a sad sad person
>>
>>699751863
No lol I understand that. I was just saying even the newer retard games, you know someones done that shit for some reason.
>>
Fucked a 14 year old, twice
>>
>>699751623
When was the first time you did it?
>>
>>699751928
Lrn2grntxt
>>
>>699744972
Why is fluoride in toothpaste?
>>
>>699749265
kek
>>
>>699752013
Oh yeah, theres pixel porn breads on gif and d all the time. They have some pretty good ones
>>
>>699751623
Got any more greentexts
>>
>>699752185
Thanks but no. I can only imagine but fuck that.
>>
>>699752044
Used to let her lick my junk from an early age, peanut butter and all. First fucked her when i was maybe 13
>>
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>>699741454
top milkdude
>>
Once shoved a whole frozen corn dog in my ass
>>
>>699752319
Greentext moar
>>
anybody want a greentext from me?
honestly tired
>>
>>699752257
None pre typed, i mean its mostly just being at night, horny and fucking her. No other eventful stories really.
>>
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>>699752319
And you never wanted something more like this? Theres a dog just to appease you.
>>
>>699752454
>girls can talk about when you raped them
>>
>>699752454
Oh i had that when i was hittin my dog on the side. I have a very very active libido. Even with a gf and sex maybe 1-3times a day and maybe a bj, ill still rub 3-4 more out
>>
>>699752673
Was it just one dog
>>
>>699745509
>underrrrrrated post
>>
>>699752446
What breed?
>>
>>699752673
Eh okay. won't judge.

>>699752633
The fuck are you talking about?
>>
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>>699752257
>>699752420
If you really want some, i will pretype some and make a thread at 10:30pm tonight. pic for bread will be one with this post
>>
>>699735884
Gagging a girl with my cock to the point that her nose was runny, so i wiped her snot on my cock
>>
>>699752840
Boxer
>>
>>699752773
Yeah, got her as a pup. Started playing early.
>>
>>699753010
Werent you worried about getting dieseases
>>
Fucked this hambeast from Bumble
>>
>>699752894
keep your fucking mouth closed we didnt have anything to do with her drowning
if they find out we get put in the slammer for the rest of our fucking lives
i aint going back man
>>
>>699738265
Did something like this in an RV. Went in the back bedroom and hid under the sheets, as soon as I came someone was coming back to check on me so I had to go off in my pants.
>>
>>699752257
>>699752420
>>699752773
>>699752840
Is this all same fag or is there really this many people interested in me fucking my dog as a kid
>>
>>699753248
Two of them are samefags
>>
>>699753133
I was probably 8-9 when we first started. I had no concept of dvd's
>>
>>699735884
Procreated.
>>
>>699753355
Eww
>>
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>>699753178
Alright buddy. Just for you ill pour a shot and i'll do something on the side. You have lost your shit. Amen. Maybe the retard will leave you some day.
>>
>>699741121
thats what i call a healthy sex life
>>
>>699745509
kek
>>
>>699752946
How many people want greentexts? Im not goin through the trouble of pretyping and starting a bread if no one want them.
>>
>>699753475
How in anyway is that healthy
>>
>>699749098
I once used a frozen stick of butter (chiseled round) as a dildo. No condom or anything too, self lubricating but horrible.
>>
>>699753519
Ive seen threads like that get 100+ replies easy espically if its an ama or the like
>>
>>699753248
i was none of those but i asked a few too
honestly i am curious
mummy saw my hard on and started to cry
>i asked her why
>she said im disgusting and my penis doesnt even look right
>get angry
>gag her with a hack saw
>cut through the siders of her mouth to make the scars look like she is smiling
>tfw get the funniest idea to draw red lipstick all over her face and dump flour on it
>face fucked her with blood all over my dick trickling down my balls
>wake up
>realise i missed out on dinosaur
>overdose in the bathroom stall of a school i stopped attending 20 years ago
>>
>>699753541
imo he want's to live it wild and uh when I asked him the std shit he said he or someone gave him the clap and its gone I think and thats it. Hey id say thats a good run. I wouldn't be trusting my dick on craigslist.
>>
>>699753541
>active=healthy
>inactive=dead
>dead=unhealthy
>unhealthy=/=healthy
>>
>>699745369
Good for you, man. Sounds like you found the one
>>
>>699753793
I dont get it
>>
>>699735884
Be religious
>>
Sounds horrible if true. I just couldnt find lube and printed some shit off the net with a sweet ass 32.2k modem so I was good to go. nothing lubelike in the whole fucking house... but ... butter. fml felt good? yeah. smelt very bad. probably left my dads and went back to my moms.
>>
DOG FUCKER HERE

thread will be made at 10:30 pm its 1:52 where i am so 8.5 hrs. Never thought id be this dog-fucking famous.
>>
>be me
>be "at the club"
>get the bus home
>in gf's city, yet she manages to pick wrong stop
>so we have a half-hour walk to her retarded house
>she shows shortcut
>right through the back of a mental asylum
>time moves by
>we get horny
>end up fucking 2 floors up a fire escape
>shit gets intense
>she needs a flat floor
>we move to a part outside a window
>just at vinegar strokes
>curtains open
>10-20 retards, plus handler
>nothing for it
>push on through, flick victory sign, they can google it later
>hightail it
>>
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>>699735884
>23
>coming off of a week long Benadryl binge
>have a water bottle full of my blood I collected
>have big candle
>hollow out candle with a 3 inch wide 6 inch deep hole
> fill with blood
>freeze
>lay on my chest with ass in the air
>fuck my ass with own blood
>cum after 30 seconds of feeling the cool liquid drip into my intestines
Feels good
>>
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Masturbated in the bathroom of a Walmart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDSMiZ_Vu3I
>>
>>699741121
Jim Norton?
>>
>>699754261
Goddamnit now I have the Monster Rain story in my head. ffff
>>
I used to think masturbating was like the miyagi. Id clap my benis and rub my hands together really fast.

Hurt like hell, never came, never gave up. Figured out my problem upon first porn viewing
>>
Jerked off in the ocean at the Jersey shore. Middle of the day with plenty of people around. Just went out far enough and let it rip.

Jerk off at work in multi-person bathroom regularly.

Went through visiting sister-in-law's bag to sniff panties.

Getting dumb and horny now remembering this.
>>
>>699754178
Used to fuck a self harmer. She'd cut herself all over and we'd fuck covered in her blood. She got me into it and we switched to red bed sheets.
>>
>>699743486

fucking hilarious
>>
>>699753910
Word math
>>
Got hitched. /thread
>>
>>699754980
Okay
>>
>>699744972
> Alex, is that you ?
>>
>>699755180
Yeah
>>
>>699752027
And how old were you when you did it?
>>
Find my best friends freshly used jizz rag. Give that puddle of cum a taste then blow my load on his. Put it back and cum on it many times in the future
>>
>>699746345
I laughed way to much to this.
>>
>>699755297
Nigga u gay
>>
>>699755361
Oops my bad, no homo.
>>
>>699755633
Its fine diggity dawg
>>
>>699736035
worth it?
>>
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>>699741454
>>699741454
I have been on /b/ for years. When I first started browsing I thought everything on /b/ was hilarious. I could barely contain my 14 year old giggles. But like many of you I grew cold and heartless. Now I am lucky if I even laugh once a month.

This was that time anon. I laughed harder than I remember in a very long time.
>>
went on grindr and got fucked in the ass.
>>
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>>699756327
Think I was dead and emotionless before cause Kazaa and Scour stuff. /b/ was still okay at times. I don't know much nowadays im just hope in when im fucked up and talk like a drunk. why not lol
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