Whenever I start thinking about the future. I have no idea what I'm going to do, friends are going away doing there thing and I'm stuck here doing my average ass job with no ambition. I am content knowing that when the time comes and I'm done I'm just going to travel then end it.
I think about this daily, almost like a obsessive thing. Was really a couple months ago that I came to the conclusion that all in all we all die. So why live in this retched world(?) Never really had a plan, even have ruff drafts of suicide letters that are ready at my disposal. Is this normal, or should I seek help?
Used to look down from my window on the 9-th floor, into the green grass below, thinking "Why not? Why not today? Go ahead, end this shit. You`ve fucked up too much." Too many mistakes were made. And too many of those mistakes still hurt. All the memories. All the fears, that still cling like leeches to my tired soul. Beat up. Torn. Empty. Pointless. Aimless. Meaningless. Nobody. Nothing. And yet I live. Why? Because fuck it, that`s why. I`ll always have this fine backup plan of putting a bullet into my brain. But for now - I fight. Fears - fuck you. I`ll find your source - and tear you out. Memories - I`ll suck you dry of every drop of experience I can get - to get better. Depression, my only true friend, whose sweet embrace choked me down for decades - just fuck off. I`d rather force myself to feel nothing - up until I teach myself to feel happy.
And so, it goes on. A man with a past full of shit and pain and fear - and a mirky, misty, undefined future. Why do I live? Because suicide is for those, who gave up. And if I didn`t give up then - I will keep fighting now. Dixi.
>>680159947 Im interested though, how are you fighting? What do you do every day? What do you do in the weekends? How are you trying to improve your life and yourself as a person? 'Cause too many people contemplating suicide nowadays, just bore themselves to death with their own thoughts. Quite literally.
>>680160236 Simple. Psychotherapy. But a weird one - having little money and being highly (fucking HIGHLY) sociophobic to make any I live off scavenged books, videos and audios. And theraputing THE SHIT out of myself. Been doing that for almost two years straight (a pro would`ve done it in a quarter of the time, lol. But good doctors cost good cash) And at this point I learned so much of this stuff I could get a degree in psychotherapy. But I hate the people who might need it - it would be like dealing with former me - multiple times a day, full time.
So I just chose the long and tedious way to a normal and happy life, the one I never had. Did I get there? Not yet. Do I see improvements? You bet. Was it worth it? Reliving those fears, mistakes, memories that felt like shitting magma out of your head? Yup. Every second of it. Then again, I keep on fighting every day.
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