>>562254208 went out for my 3am walk again like usual, but tonight the streetlights werent on for whatever reason which is good. so i took the long way around behind the residince where no one goes. i mean nobody was around anyways but i just wanted to. and so im walking with no real hurry down the path with the snow and felt kinda chilly but that was good too.
>>562254505 and then i sat down under a dark streetlight in the trees with noone around and looked up at the light polluted sky. but you could still see the big dipper. i always like lookin at it so i did through the trees and all. i started thinking about life and who i am and all the shower thoughts we usually have and looked at the stars. i think the moon already set to be honest.
and i started thinking about my childhood and how it was pretty much gone. i mean im nearly a year into university and ill be working over the summer again and doing job interviews and ive lost my virginity and ive been drunk. i mean i havent done drugs yet but thats not really something that interests me, a lot of things dont interest me.
and so i thought about when i was little how i would look at the big dipper too like this but on my own out in the forest where i liked and without the light pollution and i would name the constellations and i could get every single one. i mean i look up now and i can get draco, aquarius, cassiopia, polaris... well not many really.
>>562254704 and how i dont do much of that stuff anymore. im pretty much scared to do anything outside of my room because people always look at me. and i try to find people who are kinda like me who are looked at too but i never find any. maybe theyre hiding in their room like me too.
and i thought about where the wild things were and how i used to be a dinosaur and how i could do what i wanted without having to come out here and sit in a forest alone in the dark to cry. i mean because that's what i was doing, crying.
and i imagined what would happen if someone saw me hunched over crying loud at the foot of an off streetlight and i felt sad because they would probably think i was pathetic. and keep walking by but then again i would probably do the same.
and when my face was frozen salty i got up and went across the snow in the feild and sat on the edge of the river and sung my songs like i usually do and sung of white ghosts and thinking of trying out doing and kung fu fighters.
and then i told myself and told the trees again and again that it was standing in front of me, and i was ready to explore.
I have this marker board in the entry way of my apt. For a few months now half of it had a drawing on it that was done by this amazing girl I was with briefly. I finally erased it today and then shed a tear or two. Been feeling very lonely since I did that.
>>562257368 everything I read is so true,i'm in my twenty,I'm trying to have a girl,and,I know,that everytihn i read here will not happen again. I know i'll have to work for 40 weeks,and then i'll be ale to retire. I hope everything will be good,i hope i'll find a job
>>562257340 I am happy for her, but at the same time it doesn't mean it takes away those feelings. If I truly didn't love her her, I'd go off and try to get her to stop the engagement, try to win her back.
im soo lost right now. Have no clue what to do from this point. I am SO lost, im at tears. Staring at pills, no idea of an alternative. Drunk right now, i feel dead later. Now or 2 weeks? I dont know.. Anyone out there?
ive been dating my current girlfriend for almost 8 months, and everything has been fine. But I still have this hollow feeling inside.. like i'm not enough for her, or i'm not loved enough and I just can't make it go away. And I still can't stop thinking about the one girl, who I've always wanted, but will never have..
Hey anons. It's late. We're tired. But I know some of you may still need to talk to someone and get a response. Need to get something off your chest.
I know some of you, lurking or not, may be holding on with next to nothing and just want to tell someone about it. Suicide hotlines don't seem to really do the trick, to he honest. Hollow and practised and everything.
Everyone's got some sort of problems, and if you just want to let it out, I would really like to listen. My Kik and Steam username is >TheJiggyMonster
Be safe bros, and I hope you have a wonderful evening.
>>562258617 It's probably cause you're still in love with the other one. Even if you don't think you are, you are. >>562258712 Yeah I'll be fine just gotta shove those feelings back down deep again like always. Just seeing her engagement on fb was, well as someone else put it, 'all those feelings i thought were dead, just feel like theyre dying again.
Met a girl online four months ago, we skype like 10 hours a day and are perfect for each other. The terrible thing is she is from a country halfway across the world and neither of us are willing to move away from our homes. It's doomed to end. But I love her so much.
>>562259319 God that pic breaks my heart man. I don't give a shit about celebrities for hte most part...but I liked him. Always liked his movies...really enjoyed his serious roles. I don't know bout anyone else, but I could tell he wasn't...happy I guess. I always believed we could 'smell' our own kind, and he just looked like everything I knew. Rip in peace brother.
Sorry had to just say that. But yeah a lot of us are lost in our world, at many points in our lives anon. The only thing you can do right now is take it day by day, don't expect the answer to come to you tomorrow or even the day after, who knows when it will finally come to you. But until then man, you just gotta keep going forward you know? I know it's hard, but just take it a day at a time...and come here man, we're always here, we'll always talk.
It's what I do, let it all out only to buck up and do the samething tomorrow you know?
>Know a girl for a while >Her names Emily >Best person i know >Talented, smart, not a slut >Best fucking violinist i know >She doesn't know i exist >I daydream what it would be like just to have my feelings returned >I decide to ask her out to school dance >I get sick the Friday i was gonna do it >Next Monday i lose all confidence >Friend tells me hipster cunt already asked her >School dance comes >I hang out with some bros, shrug off the fact that shes with a hipster >Slow ass country song starts playing >My heart starts to hurt >I see Emily slow dancing with the hipster, her head resting in his neck >I can't feel anymore, sadness, anger, nothing >I go home, mom went outta town so its just me, my dad, and my lil bro >I go rent metal gear solid ground zeroes and get a pizza >Does me no good, even while playing, all i have on my mind is that image... >Soon enough i hear that they are going out >It hurts but i don't feel it... >But... i do feel it, it just wont come out >Everywhere i hear her name, i see her name >Every time i do i start to feel like im breaking apart >Well weeks pass by and i hear they break up >I don't feel as bad but knowing that ill still never score hurts just as worse >END OF SEMESTER >Its summer now >I do the same as i do everyday, browse 4chan >A few weeks ago my anxiety started to make me paranoid >All feeling towards Emily... lost >About 2 weeks ago my feelings started to work again but i feel like i was forcing them upon my self >About an hour ago i stumbled upon a ylyl thread >Had a good laugh >Thread started to turn into a feels thread >I got a good cry outta me >Read a story about a guy longing for a relationship >Memories flooded my mind... She flooded my mind... that day flooded my mind
>>562259791 So get some closure, cause you do have feelings for her, whether flat out deep down love, or just an infatuation, you have something you feel for this person, wont be able to move on until you know for sure.
Bestfriends man...yeah that's how it starts. But like I said, give it a try or you'll always have the 'what if'
>>562260067 points up, one of you has to take a risk, or else...'what if'
>>562260174 Thanks anon. The thing is I have tried, i have allowed time to past, to heal wounds. I cant feel it though, i have fought. Fought and failed over these years. I feel like i am filler in the movie of life...
Guys I need advice,I'm french,so my english won't be perfect,sorry about it So I've known this girl for now years,we met on a game,since we met,we created an incredible relation,i've always loved her,but never had the balls to her,i'm affraid it will break our friendship. I noticed that the last days,she was different,she wanted to skype with me more,we're always having fun,laughing or playing games together,and those last were quite weird,she is telling me sometimes,with no reason,I love you,particulary in game,while playing,i don't know what to think. Everytime i aswered with a "I love you too" but she never anwser.. I really don't know what to think She leave across the country,and we did'nt met yet,we plan to meet in october,I need advice,what do I do towards her comportement ?
>>562260803 I've asked her out a few times over the years.. it always goes back to the i see you as a gay best friend kind of thing.. it hurts. I've been there for her through every failed relationship, and every tough time or struggle she has gone through. It's just hard..
I hadn't been in a baww thread in so long, I had forgotten what it was like to feel lately i've just been angry, no time or room for sadness this feels like an outlet i needed but my brother is sleeping in the other room, and i can't bear to cry shed one for me, /b/ros
>Mom and dad had severely autistic son before my birth >2 mo. later, I'm conceived and mom kicks out dad for unknown reasons, neither will tell me why >Dad moves across country, has a child with another woman and raises him >Didn't talk to my dad until I was five, said on the phone "I don't know who you are" then went and did other five-yr-old shit. >Mom is tied up with work and taking care of older brother, not much time to give me attention >Play alone a lot, as a child couldn't figure out how to play with other children >Very bad at conversation, still have trouble >Painfully shy and made fun of at school to the point of tears many times >No one to talk to about it when I get home >Mom mostly yelled at me because she was so stressed handling everything alone >Said things like, "You only care about yourself." constantly, always hearing her tell my older bro, that can't speak, that I don't give a shit >Truth is I hated myself, wished I was never born to burden my mom with a second child >Wished my dad was still there to help mom and so I'd have someone to talk to about the ridicule I had at school >Finally met dad and lil bro at 13 >It was pretty cool but only temporary >Visited them every few years or so >Lil bro grows up to be a thieving sociopath >Steals money from dad every chance he got >Eventually dad gives up, stops working and gets involved in crystal meth >Lived with him last year, he's dying man. >Didn't spend much time with him living with him because he's always spun out at his friend's >Move back to hometown, have no clue what dad is doing besides killing himself with meth >He never has minutes on his phone >Every attempt to contact him is futile >I hate that he was never there >Can't hate him >Pretty sure that he got kicked out because he wanted my mom to abort, which she'd never do >Why didn't they just kill me >My family is a permanent mess and it's my fault for existing
>>562260708 >I sob silently to my self >I'm in love >Love feels good >Love feels bad >Love can even make you mad >I just wish she returned these feelings... >Im an idiot to say that though, im a huge idiot >I never once tried to make a move >I have the worst mindset ever, i always thought she wouldn't even talk to me so why even bother >I'm always told to just do it, that there's plenty of fish in the sea >But... i can't >I don't want to get rejected though >I feel that getting rejected would hurt worse then whats going on now >And i try to move on >Lord i do try >But every fucking time i think of her >Her smile, her laugh, her smarts... >Violin music hurts the worse >I hear the sweet sound of a violin and i see her, the best violinist i know >I've never felt this way about a girl >I thought i've felt love before >I've never felt love before >I've felt lust >I felt sexual desires >Emily... i can say i love >And i don't ever think i can love anyone else, and though my feeling may never be returned...
I have to give it a try... i may never love anyone else again... but i have to give this a try...
>>562260872 You're not alone there either anon bro, I've been fighting my depression for a long time as well it's exhausting I know. But keep trudging on man, what else can you do? Just keep fighting. I am in the situation where I have nephews and nieces that need me, a mother as well...so I do it for them really. I try my best like we all do.
Everyone feels like just a filler from time to time, but keep going man, you'll figure it out one day...time is a weird thing they say it should heal wounds..I'm still waiting too anon :)
? Now if there's a smile on my face It's only there trying to fool the public But when it comes down to fooling you Now honey that's quite a different subject
But don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression Really I'm sad, oh sadder than sad You're gone and I'm hurting so bad Like a clown I pretend to be glad
Now there's some sad things known to man But ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown When there's no one around
Oh yeah baby, now if I appear to be carefree It's only to camouflage my sadness In order to shield my pride I try To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you That I've been happy since you decided to go Oh, I need you so, I'm hurt and I want you to know But for others I put on a show
Now there's some sad things known to man But ain't too much sadder than the tears of a clown When there's no one around, oh yeah
Just like Pagliacci did I try to keep my sadness hid Smiling in the public eye But in my lonely room cry the tears of a clown When there's no one around
Oh, yeah baby Now if there's a smile upon my face Don't let my glad expression Give you the wrong impression Don't let the smile I wear Make you think that I don't care Really I'm sad I'm hurting so bad ?
I have feelings for my boss. He feels the same way for me. We are both in complicated relationships and work in a field where we really can't pursue anything anyway. It sometimes makes working awkward, but mostly it sucks to work so closely with someone you want and can't have.
The what ifs and ones that get away will always mess with your head...
>>562261172 Fucking ask her again man, tell her how you feel and that if she doesn't feel the same back that's fine, but that you can't be her shoulder to cry on anymore. Because you want her, and you know what it's cruel of her to do that to you.
If she still says no...you can't be there for her anymore man. I realize its hard, but you can't do that shit anymore. >>562261696 Sorry matt bro
>>562261805 Those people that you hold close to you are lost to me. All i have are me and my faults. I simply wish i could hug a human, feel their embrace. All i can say is i have been fighting this for a while. I wish i could just lose.
>>562262503 I d'ont think so. Like I've lead up to it. I'm by no means a beta.. I alpha'd up, took her out to a nice restaurant and asked her at the end of the night.. I just don't think she can mentally picture me as more then a good friend for some reason. >>562262517 If I got a yes I don't know what i'd do. I do love my current girlfriend, and she is madly in love with me, so if I ever left her I don't think I could get over the guilt of breaking her heart. But again, It's hard to live with that feeling of never knowing what it could have been.
>>562261786 You sir... i may never know you, but i will remember you, wither it be when me her are sitting and staring in the moonlight or me struggling to move on... i will remember you as the anon who sat through my story, the anon who cared, i will always thank you sir, not for giving me that confidence boost, but for making me feel human
If anyone here is the glorious bastard, its you my friend... its you
>>562262590 I'm sorry anon, I truly am sorry that things are that bad for you now, and have been for a long time it seems. I can only imagine what it'd be like without my nephews and nieces.
Cliche I know, but who knows man your life could be just around the corner. You don't want to give up now, keep fighting, keep going, not for me ro anyone else here or there...but for you anon. We all deserve happiness, I hope you can find yours soon :)
>>562262994 Wont know until it happens...>>562263230 look at pic. I know it'll hurt your current gf, but it would probably hurt her in the long run anyway, because youd be in love with someone else...some people think the others don't feel that, but they do.
>Be 18 >Just got skype downloaded >Connect with friends >Friends have friends from out of state >Texas, Nevada, Ect. >Friends from out of state are jackasses >all but one >Avery >Avery was a chick, Flamboyant hair, claims to be a gamer girl. >Claiming, and was. >Bitch would beat your ass in any game >She was the shit >One day Avery decides to leave Skype >I say Godspeed, I mean it's her decision >Realize how sad I am when she's gone >Avery is gone for a while, she comes back and I'm ecstatic >All is well for a couple of months >Realize how much I love her >She feels the same >Do the long distance shit for a couple months >all good for a while play videogames, talk, kissy kissy >All of a sudden >Not working >Work comes up, college, unimportant BS >Harsh breakup >Blocks my Skype >forget about her Want me to continue?
>She was right next to me >after all this time >it was worth it >she had become more beautiful than before >time treated her well >I was still a bit haggard after all my hard work to create cartoons and learn to play music >we were in my old room >packing my things up to move in together >she smiled and we were happy >I leave to go to the bathroom >I come back and she’s sitting at my old computer with lots of pictures opened up >she seems cross >asks me to explain all these things >I sit down next to her on the floor and look at the screen >I read over the words and explain to her that in her absence I flocked to the internet >with reckless abandon I threw all my hate to the anonymous users >it was a cool game kinda thing >she accepts it and we look through all my old caches of photographs together >as I explain to her all the things I did in her absence >I practiced film, made a few movies >I played synthesizer and made an album >I became a graffiti artist and painted walls >I became a programmer and developed videogames >I was a coder and made websites >I was a cartoonist and made a comic series >all these things had a harsh undertone that I had missed my love >I didn’t need to tell her what was in my heart >she looked over at me with tearful eyes and said >I love you >seconds later the room collapses and she’s screaming as she is being yanked away from me >I’m waking up >my parents bursting into my room >shrieking at the top of their lungs holding the empty bottle of liquor >telling me I’m such a loser, wasting my life, will never be happy >they didn’t know that I was happy >until they woke me up This was a few weeks ago, today is her birthday I sent her this pic saying happy birthday, her reply was 'thanks doll, nice doodle' The two words said "lonely cybertrash" Cybertrash has always been my nickname not really angry or depressed, don't feel anything at all
>Met In high school. >First actual girlfriend. >First sex. >Had entire life planned by my senior year. >Included military. >Drop by her house after signing my life away >She says I can't do long distance. >Get to boot camp >Letter...fucking your friend. >6 years later, haven't spoken to her since. >We cross paths, exchange numbers and she drops by. >She cocks her head to the side and looks at me. >My fucking heart explodes. >long story short, we get back together. >Date for 2 years. >Shit falls apart. >We spend a month doing the we can make it work, fuck it I'm done cycle. >I get the text, there's someone else. We don't speak for 3 weeks. >She drops by my house. Starts out as an apology. Ends with me punching a wall. >She grabs my face and forces me to look at her. >One fucking tear rolls down her face and she whispers, make love to me..make me feel like you used to. Make me feel....anything at all. Please. >I can't move, I can't speak, I can't breathe. >She walks out. I haven't spoken to her in 2 years.
The day I died inside was the day we came home from first deployment. I had to watch 90 percent of my boat running to their families and wives. I sat on the edge of the pier for an hour imagining what it would have felt like
Man i'm a ugly fuckin' loser. I havent had a friend since 6 years now. It sucks being lonely all the time, it really does. I'll never get a chance to wear a suit and attend a party or do other social shit people do. Im trying to make friends at 21 but it seems like everyone has a group or clique at university built like an impenetrable fortress. Sigh... these threads bring out the ;_;
>>562263230 i miss my nephew and niece, i really miss them like my own kids. I have tried, i really have, to be happy and move one. I just cant seem to manage it, i wanna see positive things in my life, but i all i attract is negativity. So, i push those few away. I honestly feel a goal could do me good, but my only goal is not to die and disappoint my family. I feel there is life beyond this, but i am trapped ina box that is no where near the level i wanna achieve. >lost and confused.
>>562263664 I just don't think I could leave something so secure to take a chance at something that has 0 guarantee that it would. My heart wants me to..but my common sense says no. I'm gonna talk to her about it tomorrow. I'm either going to ruin our friendship or create a new window of opportunity.
Too sad to sleep now here's some of my story >grow up with rich family, european, living in south american country >sheltered as fuck, but healthy childhood, dad and grandfather owned restaurants, enough money so mother didn't have to work >have a younger brother >1999, new president in country doesn't look very legit >2002, country has begun rapid decline into mayhem, parents decide trying to make a life in the US for my brother and I is our best bet >move to FL >not easy to adapt for parents, now both work 2 part time jobs >my brother and i were young, so we adapt fairly quickly >about 3 years in, parents are doing slightly better, we move out of our tiny apartment into a decent house >by this time, im in highschool, being a normal teen as far as im concerned >even manage to get a gf, first serious relationship, whole 9 miles
I just went into my exes Facebook account. Dumb fucking idea, I didn't know what I was doing. Im glad shes happy, she was the type that radiated joy to all people. She was a smart nice girl and im glad shes becomin a beautiful smart woman. Im just sad that im not there to share it. oh well you cant be mad huh? At this point im just writing to vent some of these feelings, coping skills and what not. I know my problems are miniscule compared to others with real shit. Thats exactly why I want to forget you, need to forget you. damn in anon im sorry for ranting.
>>562264973 I feel ya there, I come here to vent and shit, also woman I love also starts with a K..go figure. >>562264704 The heart does not deal in common sense my friend...i wish it did, but it doesn't. You can either take the chance, and really make sure that girl knows you aren't fucking joking when you tell her how you feel, or don't and just think about the what ifs you know? >>562264647 You have kids? Or just see the nephew and niece as your kids? Either way man, why not make it a goal to be around them more. you know hang out with em, take em to do things, shit like that.
I always seem to try harder when I know it's for someone else,....make that your goal man, atleast for now you know?
>parents start thinking about college for me >expensive as fuck, but we'll make do >more importantly, i've been on a student visa this whole time >same with my brother >dad has been in and out of the country, always renewing his visa >mother has been taking a nursing class to get a better paying job, even though we're living comfortably >doesn't have papers >parents decide it's time to get papers, can't wait for the legal way because time is not on our side >they get divorced (only legally, still live together and in love etc) >through contacts find a guy who's willing to marry my mother for papers >obviously gotta pay him a few K$ >not tight on money, pay up >fake wedding, pictures, etc >mother got pregnant (from father obviously) while this was going on >has little girl >wasn't planned, but is well received >things seem to be going well >one day, letter comes in the mail >deportation letter >allofmyfucks.shit >gotta move back to shitty south america >country has become even worse than when we left it >only one year of HS left for me >move back to home country >shit sucks >family still rich, so it's not all bad >WRONG, grandfather gets kidnapped because rich family >pay ransom, get him back >grandfather's brother gets kidnapped because same reason >pay ransom, get him back >grandfather gets kidnapped a second time >pay ransom, get him back in a body bag cont. got a bit more
Something in this thread made me want to take a walk outside, and so I did. It's about 2:40 am right now and raining, so I didn't stay out long. I walked out and looked at my house and I was really struck by it. One window was glowing. I took a good hard stare at it. I am inside that window. Every night for the last 7 years, I have been in that window. The glow of my computer screen being the only light on the street. It makes me sad to think that I'm so alone. My well adjusted friends are all asleep, getting ready to hang out with their girlfriends, or go to work in the morning, and here I am, the pale light window in a black street.
>>562265843 Indeed, that's what life is all about...choices. There may always be the what if s that's true, in whatever you do. But this girl has been in your head for a very long time anon...she's not gonna go anywhere until you try it again, atleast get some closure.
Don't dwell on the what ifs. Every day we make hundreds of choices that could be considered.
Make the best possible choice given the information you have. And even if that choice ends up being wrong, act like a man and stand by your decision. Have the courage to admit your mistakes, not to wish things had gone different. Wishing won't fix anything. Acting based on experiences will.
>now, my grandfather lived only for my brother, sister and i >everything he did was for us, to pay for our studies (private schools), to keep us living comfortably, etc >as you can imagine, i looked up and respected the man >at his funeral, i find out he had another family >well not really family, rather he had an affair a long time ago and had a couple of daughters >this destroyed me a bit and any respect i had for that side of my family >apparently my parents and grandmother knew about it and never did anything >make up my mind to get my university diploma and then gtfo of this country >his 'mistress' or whatever you wanna call that bitch sues my father and grandmother >wants my grandfather's money, lands, pretty much everything because her daughters are his >dad is stressed the fuck out >grandmother is useless and senile >mother is the only one with balls to take care of everything >decide that the daughters will get their fair share of the inheritance, but nothing more >fuck that, they want it all >spend a shit ton of money on lawyers and shit >stress just builds up, unsafe country doesn't help at all, fear for my life every day
>it's been a few years now and there's still issues with that side of the family and lawyers and what have you >i'll get my diploma next year and move to canada >younger brother managed to find a way out and study at a college in spain, will be leaving for his new life in 3 weeks
>>562266842 i've been so angry the past 5 years since i had to move out of the US >lost my gf because long distance relationship and she cheated on me >have had a few gf's here, nothing too serious >honestly no time for gf, gotta focus 100% on graduating and not dying >i'm not exaggerating about how dangerous this shit is
I'm afraid that when (if) I move out to a better life, i won't be able to adapt anymore. Always gotta be looking behind in case someone is following, afraid of going out at night All this time i've just been angry Anger is something i can deal with, handle, use it as fuel to keep me going today as i read some baww stories, i felt sad i felt as if my wall of anger wanted to crumble
i'm so tired, /b/ i've been so tired all these years
>>562265648 I see them as my kids as i want kids. They are 4 states away, i wish i could see them, as they were my last glimmer of light. Like i said, i try. I try, over and over. I wish had beings of my own, then i could justify this existence. I wish i could produce beings on this level. Could wake up knowing that MY kids need to learn and grow. Give me a REASON, a chance. >wish i knew my future, even 5 years from now. >I only wish for a honest hug.
>>562252238 > been fucking this girl for half a year > find out last night that she has been fucking her ex the same period > ex is also a good friend of mine > realize i fucked over a friend of mine without knowing > nofucksweregiven.webm
>>562266591 paint it away, man. paint all of your pain and sorrow into the concrete, make it cry beautiful tears in shapes of your choosing, so that others can see the pain before them and be more considerate
>>562267636 I understand man I do. But what if your reason is them, atleast right now. They need an uncle. You can teach them, when y ou do see them, teach anything, or just hang out with them, just be a good man to them. Try to find a job in their area lol. Never know it could happen.
But yeah my nephews, their dad was an addict abandoned them made a whole new family and shit. Used to be my brother and I filling in at the role of their dad...now it's just me. So that keeps me going, one day you'll have somthing or someone to give your life meaning, it's a struggle to hold on til then..but a struggle worth suffering through man.
>>562268514 I'll hold on too. I fear i'm reaching of my psyche. it is a common problem in my family, to go insane. I fear about this everyday, to lose my sanity to some inherit illness. I'm lost. Do I choice the gun or the poison?
This was a nice thread guys, I've never felt so human before and it was good to get my story off my chest. And though i might be feeling good right now, nothing is permanent, but thats why i'll just come back here. I hope you guys do well and over come your problems. Goodnight to all!
>>562269083 That's a really important idea, that it's okay to be sad. That's it's alright to feel absolutely terrible now and then. As long as it doesn't consume you and everything you do, I don't see what the problem is.
Honestly, if feeling sad is something to avoid, then how about feeling happy? How about feeling anticipation, joy or levity in any form? Those things can't exist without sadness, emptiness and loss; to be human it to experience both ends of the spectrum. That's especially important during times of loss, or times of pain. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel absolutely terrible, to drink to much, to become a mess. As long as it doesn't consume you.
I think that's where I went wrong, I let it consume me. As I'm writing this, it's currently 1:11am. I'll be up at least another five hours, probably more. That entire time will be spent drinking and feeling absolutely terrible. I've lost so many positive parts of my life and so many positive people. I've become the villain in my own story. I'm thirty one years old and I will not live to see forty. I can't see how I'll be alive that long, I just can't.
All because I gave in and let the personal demons consume me. I forgot that life isn't that bad, until it is. I forgot how to suffer in moderation. That's a huge mistake, that is.
>be me >have no real life friends >go to work 5 days a week 7-5 >never slept with a girl >dad and mom think im a failure and i'll never provide them with a grandchild or anything for them to be proud of. wondering if i should end it before my extended family gives up on me.
>>562258216 I've hurt someone and I have been hurt I never actually touched her vagina but when I was 9 I stuck my head in between my sisters legs. >inb4 virign faggot I have also look and touched her tits before. Mostly because I was a honey teenager I would never touch her like that. But now she forgives me but it still hurts me. I admit this to you all because I want to admit this sin. >inb4 Christan faggot. I've also been made fun of because of weight looks personality. I just shrug it off and make people seem I don't give a shit about what they think but in reality it is making a hole in my heart. A deep abyss that nothing can fill. I have a sadness in me that grows and gets bigger everyday. I don't want others to know because I don't like people to worry. Anons I am very very sad and it is almost to the point to where I can't take it anymore >currently 15 >inb4 underage nigger
>wondering if i should end it before my extended family gives up on me. Are you fucking kidding me? That's retarded logic. At least you're fucking working, that means you have money. Buy some decent clothes, and hit the fucking bar.
>>562270605 "If there's no point in anything then what the fuck's the point of being sad about it."
>>562270572 This last week though, idk. I feel they and everyone would all survive me. they wont remember me. I cant describe this feeling other that... i wouldn't survive. I know that's very deterministic, but thats the base core. I cant seem to forgive myself. The best i can say is that i am lost and confused.
She died at 2 1/2 years old right around when i was conceived.
I grew up in a loving family. My mom was a talented folk art painter. My dad was a good man. Worked a lot and had a bit of a temper so i tended to hold close to my mother more. I also had a younger sister with severe autism. She couldn't walk or talk on her own but i loved her just the same.
>be 12 >wake up for school but lay in bed because mom alway comes to wake me up >dad left for work around 6:30 >walk upstairs about 7:30 wondering where she was >She is sitting on the couch on our old laptop >looking at help groups for parents with autistic children in regards to physical therapy and such >'Mom...? You need to get dressed. It's almost time for me and Nikki to go to school' >'Mom? Mommy?' >understanding slowly dawns on me >tears start rolling down my face as i run to the phone and dial 911 >talked through cpr as im begging her to wake up and not leave us >nothing but a hollow breath leaving her lungs >call my father, neighbours and grandmother >all of them arrive shortly before my mother is taken to a hospital >clutching onto my dad for dear life >sister making incoherent noises in the background not understanding what is happening >paramedic comes back and informs us she didn't make it >brain aneurism >constantly blame myself for years that i wasn't up early enough and i could have saved her >Over the next 6 years i grow and a seed of self loathing grows with me >dad comes home long enough to make dinner and is out with his girlfriend an hour or 2 later >end up raising sister significantly through high school >it's okay. I love her so much even if changing a teenagers diapers is disgusting. >make a few good friends and meet this one girl i instantly fall for >get friendzoned for the most part but we flirt a lot >stay good friends all through high school and fool around a bit >she starts dating this guy and i feel one of the few bright spots in my life dim
I'll admit I don't have much, but I'll tell the saddest parts of my life, because why not?
>When I was a little kid, I was different >Never liked sports, never tried to look tough for anyone, and the other children thought this was odd >I made friends, but they were few and far between >They were most of the people I felt didn't feel I was a waste >The other was my mom >Both my parents were severely addicted to drugs in their youth, my mom quit before I can recall, my dad took his time >Get to middle school, harassment gets worse >People calling me a retarded faggot, occasionally getting really aggressive >Was never hurt physically, but being so hated made me cynical >On top of that, at my middle school the big thing was hating anyone who wasn't straight >Anyone who didn't openly declare their hatred for "faggots" was declared gay themselves and became the victims of relentless harassment >I didn't know it at the time, but I turned out being pan >At the time however I was repressed, and used every opportunity to express my hatred for something I didn't know I was >Then my mother was hospitalized for a severe asthma attack >Every day remind myself how much I'm going to hug her and tell her how much I love her when she comes back >Doctors told me she was brain dead >Machines kept her alive >I lost one of the only people I love >"Friends" what few I have, are all assholes to me and couldn't possibly care less about any of my problems >Become emotionally closed off for a long time >Repression persists until late in high school >By then I not only have to come out, but come to terms with it myself, over several months of self loathing and denial >Finally accept what I am, don't come out of the closet for a long time >Eventually make some friends who I love to death >They are always willing to help when I need it, and I am willing to return the favor >Even though my family still thinks I'm straight, I tell my friends, because I trust them. Cont.
i got crushed last week, hasn't happened in a long time. Talking to my friend and she's saying how my gf whos currently studying medicine will cheat on me for sure in the future. She says all women want a man who is more important than them and who can make more money. i myself am a fucking moron with depression my gf knows this. The girl is continuously telling me how i shouldn't care about her because it will happen due to me not being smart enough. Never been so close to wanting to actually hurt a woman in my life but she was actually being heartfelt so don't know whether to trust her?
>>562271757 I carry around a lot of guilt too my friend, more than anyone should, but I feel I deserve that.
I've thought about ending it all too...always think theyd be better off without me...but you know what? They wouldn't be, and in fact, they'd be hurt dude, even if they're really young, or grown...it would affect them. I didn't know my grandma very well and I was young when she died...it affected me like you wouldn't believe me. I saw how my brother's passing affected everyone. I don't think my own would hit as hard...but it would hit, it would leave a mark. Specially to those kids, just like yours would.
It's ok to be confused, we all get a little confused and even lost, may take a while, but you'll find your way out of that fog. I can't tell you how long it'll take, cause I'm still looking myself. So I guess you aren't alone there either.
I know it's hard, and I know it seems hopeless that your death wont matter, but to your nephew and niece, it might mean the world.
>>562272093 >Meet a cute boy, he's really nice to me and is super interested in me >We start dating, I hide it from my family >Go as far as lying to them about hanging out with friends at the mall, and walking to a restaurant to meet my boyfriend, in the winter mind you >This is exhausting >Come out to my dad, who cleaned up a few years back, and who I visit on the weekends >Seems indifferent at first >Come out to my grandparents and little sister, who I live with most of the time >They don't care either >I'm pretty happy >Mention to my dad that I told my sister, he yells at me that I should have kept it a secret >It's not a huge blow, but now I start to notice >All family calls my boyfriend, who I specifically stated was my boyfriend, my friend, and nothing else >This was never the case with any girls I dated >Little by little I see their acceptance for what it is, brushing it under the rug >Eventually I develop really bad self esteem issues, which only worsen when my boyfriend leaves me for another boy, and lies about it >My friends are there to help me, they are my only support left, and it works really well >Eventually graduate high school >Excited for the summer, after it's over I'm joining the army >Fall is starting to roll around >All my friends are going to their collages >I can't leave until next year >I'm now sitting back and waiting until the only people who've been there for me without fail leave and start new lives that don't include me >It's august now >all my closest friends will be gone within the month, otherwise I drove them away with my idiocy That's my life now, 18, single, and the only people who care about me leaving, How about you guys?
>>562271893 >spend most of my time playing vidya trying not to feel the crippling sense of loss from losing my mother >one day my grandfather (mothers side) passes away >something changes in my grandmother >she tries to kick me, my father (who had just been in surgery) and my autistic sister out of our home so she could move in (we rented it from them) >we manage to keep our home but it causes a firm split in the family >fast forward to boxing day 2010 >wake up hearing what sounds like laughter from upstairs >remember thinking what could be so damn funny this early? >It's my dad >my sister is limp in his arms as i realize he is wailing not laughing holding a telephone
There is no sound more heart breaking than the utter misery of a man who has lost a child It still haunts me even now
>ambulance arrives and take her to the hospital but she doesn't make it >un-diagnosed failure of metabolism >barely contain myself to call around and let people know what happened >over the last few years my self loathing has grown into a deep hatred that sprouts often >suicidally depressed even though i'm in college dating my high school love >every day at work is a fight not to throw myself in front of a moving forklift >can't help but demean and mock myself for every mistake >feel my father would have been happier if i had died instead of mom or my sisters >think (irrationally) my girlfriend actually hates me >start believing i don't deserve to live
I'm trying so hard to burn away these feeling but they always suck me back in. I miss my loved ones so much but feel i will always be a disappointment to all of them.
I just want to wake up one morning and not want to kill myself. It would be nice to remember what that's like.
>>Worked with this girl in a very popular California themepark. >>Eventually started dating. >>Gets serious. Visit her at school. >>Start going to school myself. >>Two years pass. >>Get incredible job. >>Show up to her parents house with ring. >>As I'm ready to knock on her door she calls me and breaks it off. >>Never been able to pick up the pieces.
>tfw deleting shit off of my facebook >2011 14 people wrote on your wall for your birthday >2012 10 people wrote on your wall for your birthday >2013 6 people wrote on your wall for your birthday >looking through old shit >realise i actually had friends >realise i could've talked to girls
>>562273478 I'm so so, but for the most part I'm ok, still always thinking about her of course, but what else can one expect, still working to get over her, the fact that she hasn't used my number to 'catch up' like she wanted to kinda puts a stamp on it you know? But at the sametime hurts like hell I'd wait forever for her. But I'm trying, and working on it, always working on that.
>>562274121 Yeah actually few nights ago I was just in it bad, I hadn't eaten all day, and I just started lifting the weights I have under my bed, just to let off some steam. Scares you, how so?
Man that's the type of shit I just can't understand yo, like I said I don't know if I ever posted the convo 'her' and I had about songs and shit, real cute like 'it always makes me think of you' and crap.
>>562274432 btw I noticed you are lashing out on everyone in this thread about how their pain isnt real, which means you either are hurting pretty bad or are just projecting. Its okay man. Youll be okay.
>>562274975 Ouch man...ouch. >>562275693 Yeah same here, just reminds me of better times you know lol. And indeed, I'm just trying to shake guilt I feel over my own dad, try to live up to his memory...hoping I make him proud. Him and my brother are watching me..so I got two I'm trying to make proud. miss you guys.
>>562275803 come from a small family, lost one of my only supporting members 2 years ago and it hasnt been the same. I had a girl but I could never really bring myself to care enough so it didnt work out. Now I drink liquor everyday trying to trudge through. I passed my alcohol/drug abuse class but I shouldnt have. I had no desire to fix myself yet because its the only relief I can get. So now I swig from the bottle and go look at sad shit to see if I can still feel. So far so good but I know one day ill be too hardened to. I plan on going into a biohazard removal because dead bodies barely bother me and someone has to do it and it pays pretty good.
>>562276534 You too bro. Keep working on yourself, it's all we can do. I'll see you around bro, hope you get a good nights rest, and that your tomorrow is better than your today. >>562276179 It's what we do here man
>>562276721 I should but I have issues with motivation, the best solution so far has been stimulants (yeah more drugs go figure) but I keep getting prescribed anti depressants which ive been on just to give it a shot but my sadness isnt chemical imbalance it seems so it hasnt been doing shit.
>>562276616 I should do that shit, atleast I'd get paid good right?
Searching for sad shit isn't what's gonna make you cry anon...it's looking at your own sadness, that's what's gonna get you one day. Something might remind you it...but it's gonna be your own story that hurts the most.
>>562277085 It doesnt tho because in all reality the fact that I have good internet, food in my fridge, and booze in my cup i really dont have it that bad all things considered. The apathy I feel about my own life is crippling.
>>562277371 I have a degree in psychology as well that was useless when I graduated, but I do remember everything from abnormal because I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Youre hurting man, its clear, why waste your time trollin? That or youre trying to cheer up the mood a bit which is actually sorta working.
>>562274919 Me too man, me too. My dad was always really stubborn, but god damn the image of him breathing his last breaths (Stage 4 Lung Cancer) is fucking implanted in my mind.
Here's a story I had converted to greentext so it's easier to read instead of a wall of text.
>Brother visited a week ago talking about how my Dad played video-games back then >I never knew >I thought he always played Fifa and Soccer games because I was born much later >Go back to the 80s >Dad bought a Sega Master System out of the blue for himself (and my brother) >Apparently he loved shoot-em-ups >His favourite game was "Bomber Raid" >Him and his buddy "Frenchie" always played it >My dad never beat the last level, but Frenchie did >He did play some other shoot-em-ups but Bomber Raid was his shit >Dad would watch my brother play Megaman >Half of the reason could be because of having just one TV, and the other maybe he could still love games >He'd actually give my brother tips with boss weaknesses but give my brother shit for not figuring it out earlier >My dad never got back into games after he couldn't beat Bomber Raid though >When we got a PS2 he only played soccer games and nothing else
Next time when my brother vists, we agreed that we'll beat that game for a "in his honor" sort of deal, because he never could. I don't greentext often, so I apologize if it turns out looking a bit weird.
>>562277456 You could try it. >>562277371 lol I wish I was back then...then I could fix my mistakes. >>562277326 I too have things pretty good for me, but that doesn't matter, eventually it always sneaks up and bites yah. I went years, many years without feeling a damn thing, then one day....it just woke up in me fucking hate it, but yeah,
Normally, I only read these threads to skim from the top of emotions, without letting anything get closer or pierce my walls, but when the Mae Toi cancer story ran, my resolve broke. I lost my father to bowel cancer - diagnosis was terminal, 20lbs of tumor tissue in his stomach. They gave him a year.
My father has always been a workaholic. He was born in Eastern Germany. Getting a job in that system was less about what you wanted, but taking what was offered. He got lucky, because they assigned him an apprenticeship as a video technician - not so lucky, because he was colour-blind. A friendly guy switched with him, so he became a sound engineer.
His father had died from tuberculosis when he was 11. His mother - my grandma - was focussed on her career as a music teacher and pianist, to the point where she left him at an orphanage for stretches of time. Raised by a cold mother, without a father around, he decided that his family would not suffer the same fate. He wanted to be better, both to his partner and his future children.
He worked hard. He ran multiple of Germany's most successfull broadcasting companies in his prime. We never had to worry much about money, vacations, toys, clothes, computers, anything. Just ... him. My brother and I didn't see much of him.
I always felt like my father tried to compensat,e because he never knew how to share emotions between him and his sons. He was always a shadow above us, dispensing wisdom and chiding our faults. But as much as I was afraid of him, I knew he loved us so much, he could only want us to reach perfection. He was probably more disappointed in himself than us, blaming himself for our faults.
His last two years, he spent at home. Quit work. Travelled to all our relatives, sorted their problems, fixed finances, granted loans free of interest to them, until he could drive no more. Then we drove him, with a wheelchair in the trunk.
>>562278085 Thanks for reading Anon, I forgot to say that at the end of my story.
I don't greentext often, but man it really feels good getting it off my chest, seeing all the Dad stuff just reminds me of watching him die. I know you should always think of the positive moments but that is one huge ass negative one.
He always wanted to go back home to visit his mom's grave for the first time (long story that I won't type) but he never ever did. When he passed away, we saw his bank account balance, and he had more than enough money to go back home to visit but he never ever did.
>>562277614 Hey, this is completely off topic, but how is a psychology degree working out for you? I'm going to be starting school in a couple weeks and I'm going for a B.A.(probably Ph.d, eventually) in Psychology.
>>562277856 This story started to make me cry, until I realized that rubik's cubes come already solved in the package, so the story is made-up bullshit. (unless he opened it up and started scrambling it right there over his dead dad, but that's fucking gay)
Did you guys see the spike jonze movie "her"? I think you'll all cry over it, but it made me want to puke.
>>562273536 I'm almost certain you are haunted by your older sister. Ghosts can cause health problems. on a serious note, dude, that suck. not much else I can say except /b/ is the most healthy place for my mind
>>562279023 Without a PhD or at the least masters its useless or only good in addition to another major. I wanted to go on but was too poor/stupid to move on. It was incredibly interesting tho and I still use a lot of what I learned daily. It makes me appear more stable than I am and I have insight into most peoples problems.
>>562278990 Maybe it was just a little much for him? Having the opportunity can sometimes be harder than not being able to at all, Iktfb, I'll always remember my dad as well, the good things, but the bad is also there., just how people work
And yeah getting it off your chest can really help, even if people don't respond, just 'saying' it out loud really lightens you. Your greentext was fine, don't be selfconceous here lol
>>562278819 His last weeks, he spent trying to organise his own finances, set my mom up for when he was gone. His brain was already failing at this point. Drained by the chemotherapy and the numerous secondary tumors, the things he did made a lot of things worse, but he tried. I lived 300km away, but one night, and I mean, 2am, my brother showed up at my place with a rental car, and said: "Pack your stuff. Mom said, dad is leaving soon." I packed, and we drove home, Gossip's "Love Long Distance" playing, trying to hold on to the beat lest we would talk and cry while going 250kph down the highway.
When we arrived, he was a skeleton. Laying in bed, barely coherent. He woke up, looked at me, and whispered "Hey", then fell asleep again. Another half hour later, he woke up again, and said: "Nontaxable benefits, son..." and closed his eyes. We took shifts sitting beside him, holding his hand.
At 6:13pm the next day, I was holding his hand, he sighed one last time and he was gone. That was in 2009. He was 51 years old.
Ever since, I tried to make my life better, try to be there for others, try not to be as angry, and try not to be as miserable. It forced me out of a depression, made me get a grip on many things in my life.
My father traveled a lot. Canada was the last country he always wanted to go to, but didn't make it. I went there, lived there for two years, after I had sold my entire household. In those two years, I learnt to cope with his death.
Now, I am at the point where nothing hurts me truly deeply anymore. I figured, if the loss of my father was something I could survive, then my other tears cannot be so bad. I stopped crying, and what used to upset and sadden me became a minor nuissance in comparison. I am happy about the balance I found.
And then I see a video like this, and it ALL comes back, and I am sitting at work, crying. I am 30 years old, working for the government now, and as I am typing this, I handled two calls - hiding my broken voice.
>>562279673 You could but it depends what your specialty is. There are about 8 major directions you can go with psych. Youre talking about I/O which is industrial organization. Additionally theres abnormal, bio, clinical, cognitive, counseling, educational, developmental, forensic, social and a few more I cant think of at the moment. I took classes mostly relevant to abnormal, I really wanted to go into forensic and deal with sick fucks but im too poor to do what I want.
Please support this website by donating Bitcoins to 16mKtbZiwW52BLkibtCr8jUg2KVUMTxVQ5 If a post contains copyrighted or illegal content, please click on that post's [Report] button and fill out a post removal request
All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective parties. Images uploaded are the responsibility of the Poster. Comments are owned by the Poster.
This is a 4chan archive - all of the content originated from that site. This means that 4Archive shows an archive of their content. If you need information for a Poster - contact them.