ITT we pretend we are medieval doctors prescribing patients with old timey medicine
>be me, chillin in my doctor office castle >hamplanet fattie lady comes into my office, all out of breath because stairs >fat people is weird because it's the middle ages >bitchhowdidyoudothat.tapestry >tell fattie she has an imbalance of humors >too much ketchup humor, its making you fat as a toad >doctors in the middle ages said stuff like that probably >tell her she needs to attach a chair to the ceiling with rope, twist it up, and sit in it and spin around really fast three times a day >tell her she also needs more vegetable humors >prescribe her turnips from my in house farm-acy >collect them sweet medieval bitcoins >look down the nose of my bird doctor mask thing and tell her to return in a fortnight >tell her I'll know if she didn't spin in the chair
>kid with autism comes into my doctor castle >doesn't wanna talk to me, just wants to flap his hand >i know what's wrong with him >i am a doctor >tell him he needs to lose about 8 fathoms of blood >tell him this will make him flap less >remove 8 fathoms of blood from autist >flapping stops >breathing stops >doesn't matter, he's cured >i am a doctor
>>558767831 >nigger comes into my castle tower office >catches me playing with one of the dead things i keep there >ohfuckanig.parchment >play it cool, i am a doctor >whats the problem nig >nig says he is a nig >i say i see >i stroke my beak on my bird mask thing >notice he has really white teeth >a chance to practice my old timey dentistry >pic related >pull out a bunch of teeth and then tell nig to grind them into powder and mix them into goats milk >it has to be goats milk >tell him to wait for a full moon and spread the mixture over his niggy skin >this will cure him >dont collect medieval bitcoins because nig >go back to playing with dead frog
>>558767408 >sickly child enters the castle >When stressed or provoked starts to shiver uncontrollably and approaches seizure >Ah, I see. It's the foul blood. The boy must be bled >Lay the boy down and place leeches all over his body >They suck out all the bad blood >Boy looks better, more or less >missionaccomplished.stainedglass
>be medic for crusaders >Saladin pissed off pope. not like i care about this shit >one day on the field, chaplain tries telling me my witch doctor practices aren't working, and that I should pray more >lmaokbruh.tapestry >chaplain continues, saying i've killed more men than i've helped with bloodletting, and if they just got some decent rest and their wounds clean, they'd be fine >tell that fundie what for, and let him know about how much alchemy training I have. >MFW fired. >no job. >chaplain thinks "rest" will help the men >what a fuckign religious idiot. *tips greathelm*
>>558769143 >another doctor comes into my castle >his mask is scarier than mine >feel like patrick bateman in the business card scene >keep old timey shitty spaghetti in my robes >i am a doctor >ask him what the problem is > he says his mask is stuck on >what >he says his mask is stuck on >i say i heard you the first time faggot, i just dont know how did that >he says he dunno >okay >get out my old timey knife >cut face a bit and mask comes off >doctor has huge boils and shit that were holding it in place >the mask didnt stop this >i rationalize that he probably used the mask wrong >the mask cannot fail >tell him his veins got crossed and this made his face swell >tell him he needs to uncross his veins >tell him he surely knows how to do that cause hes a doctor too >he doesn't want to admit that we're full of shit so he nods and leaves >forgets his mask >i clean off the boil juice and wear it >i am a scarier doctor
>chilling in my shitty room right next to the castle >some bluebloods come in >bow and shit >the younger one has headaches >father tells me he has some delusion >ask what it is >he thinks there may be land across the great ocean >after telling him he would just fall off the earth he says he heard some greek fucks tell him the earth must be round >and not the center of the universe >and he starts asking how we even know the bible is gods word >it's worse than I thought >time for some good ol trephination >"Drill or hammer?" >Hammer time >shove leather in his mouth and get started >blood everywhere >he screams and struggles >stops moving >pull pipe out, a little brain comes out with it >he's alive >somehow >send them home >he'll never be able to speak but if god forgives him he may live >if he dies he burns in hell >obviously >father pays me with a loaf of bread >fuckin' score! >Harlots for a month >but first I should burn all these morning-patients lying around my room
>be me >middle aged man comes in >middle aged man has lump on balls >as if your peasant balls werent already gross enough >its ok, im a doctor >you need 10ccs of mercury >proceed to give patient the treatment >patient cries >tell him to come see me in a week >patient never returns >fucking faggot.
>be sometime around 1452 >have renounced my idiotic liberal ways and converted back to catholicms. >NobodyExpectsTheSpanishInquisition.deadseascroll >Mudslimes are encroaching about beautiful constantinople >Constantine XI isn't freaking out, he's got this shit >templars are ready af to remove kebab >sudenly a wild plague occurs >fuuuuuck.stainedglass >constantine comes to me personally > "I need you to fix this shit. Brother Nathaniel says you're an excellent healer, and worker of miracles. >pokerface af. >hear tales from the east of strange medications which use disease to fight disease. >start feeding the blood of the sick to the healthy people to prevent infection >half the population dead. >Mudslimes everywhere. >constantinople falls. Constantine dissapeared >now enslaved by fucking turks as a witchdoctor. >fuck >what do?
>>558771409 >>558771718 >be doctor >peasants try to read and write >not even Latin >obviously witches >burn them >throw some witch herbs in with them >smells quite nice >get vision from god >tells me I prevented a great evil >the blood line of the na~zii >the gramm ma na~zyzz >I have done gods work >wake up >people staring at me >I'm naked apart from my mask >I'm told I had a fit >obviously possessed >protest >they say fine, just test him >get drowned in a river
>rubbing my dick in doctor castle >runner shows up, all sweaty and tired cause he's a runner >act like rubbing my dick was a medical procedure >im a doctor >he tells me his lord's daughter is possessed by a demon >nigga do i look like a priest to you >doesn't matter, lords have coins, and i like coins >go to lord's castle >shit is pretty bullion >he takes me to his daughter >10/10 loli lyin in bed whispering >tell him i need some time alone with her to assess her condition >ask her to undress >not pedo cause medieval times >she just looks at me with crazy eyes >make the sign of the cross with my fingers to see what happens >she starts spazzing and freaking out >starts screaming >dad rushes in >get out bro i need more time >i am a doctor >she starts saying blasphemies like "look at my ankles" and "court me for a week before kissing me" >shewantsthed.stonecutting >the doctor d >give her the doctor d >she calms down and stops thrashing around >still whispering and shit, still crazy eyes >id call that a cure though >go see the dad, tell him she's cured >but i should probably still stop by every once in a while to check on her >tell him i might be drunk to help my doctor intuition when i come >he gives me his carrier pigeon number or something >he gives me a turbo diesel stallion to ride around >act like this is every day shit, grinning beneath my mask >thinking of all the bitches im gonna pull on this steed >go back to castle in style
>Sitting in my Office below Castle cutting up herbs and shit >A Knight enters my smoky herb room >3 arrows in the elbow >Tell the sir to sit and put arm on table >Shove mead and herbs down throat >Goes unconscious >Rip the arrows out backwards, tear half of tendons out >Blood everywhere >Cut off giblets that are hanging loose >Wrap up arm >Sir wakes up, sees arrows and gets up > 4 feet from door Sir drops dead >Missed the arrows in his other arm >Push him to shit pile and continue chopping herbs >Eats some "good" herbs >All is good
>be me, walking the fields >see huge pile of corpses >can't say which disease killed them >bleh, it is indeed a crude winter >set up a pire, burn them >dense, black smoke column going upwards into the sky >bird colliding with it instantly dies >pestilent winds going all over Europe >nope.basrelief
>Be in doctor castle >Black Knight comes storming in >Ohshitblackwraggler.tapestry >Says he is going to take my castle >Say what nig knight >Comes at me with big sword >act posessed and fire shit volley >nig knight stunned by the brown mile >pour melted sugar cane down his helmet >thoufuckingwin nig knights is on the ground >no mercy as I stab him with my glorious beak >blood everywhere.stainedtapestry >take armor as profit
>Be me >Doctor >Get mask >Swear on hippocratic oath (Bitches be tripping mad bout dem oaths) >Yada yada swear to never neglect someone in need >Some foul whench comes to me >Friend leonardo has invented new leather penis glove >Foul wench has the dark spots of pus on her area >Ewwwhatthefuckarethoselabia.anvil >Decide beggars can't be choosers >Here, I must remove the ailment by cleansing your insides. >Swore to never neglect someone in need >i was in need
>be me at ripe old age of 23, plague doctor >sitting around mixing arsenic potions for the kings armys gains >friar walks in >rattles off some elongated story about how his wife left him for the town squire and that he demanded i make a love tonic so she would realise her mistake >laugh in his face and say "not your personal physician faggot" > he cries and leaves > he didnt even greenquill it... >mfw
>riding around on pimping steed >can afford servants now because of lords daughter gig >hire servant to be my subwoofer >he just sits on the back of my horse with me and makes really low annoying sounds >pisses off the peasants >tell them it will help their constitution and give them strong backs >they decide they like it now >that's right you do >did i mention i am a doctor?
>peasant tells me his back hurts >no shit dude you work in a field all day >say he needs something for the pain >whut.portrait >tell him the pain is caused by the fog that rolls into town at night >that's probably the truth >(doctor) >tell him he needs to seal his shitty peasant hut up better so the fog doesn't get in at night >peasant says okay later... >riding around on pimping horse, have subwoofer servant playing dubstep now >he's curing the masses >peasant sees me again, waves me down >what now >says his pain isn't gone >tell him he didn't do it right >go see his cottage >obviously not airtight > tell him he should lie face down in his bed and cover himself up with more blankets >says he cant afford more blankets >theshitihavetoputupwith.tapestry >tell him to use an animal's stomach as a sleeping hat >has to be airtight because of the fog >as we're talking peasant gets run over by wagon and dies >whatever >get back on horse and listen to more dubstep while cruising for wenches
>Be doctor in shed 'cuz I like to condense and medieval real estate is shit >Be me living by a fop >See fop every day >Fucking fop always sneering at me and calling me a dirty curr 'cuz I'm a doctor >fop comes to my shed one day limping with tights stained in dirt >thinking "why do I get the feeling women will wear those one day?" >Fop voice, "Ooooh hooo hooo, oh deary me! It seems as though I have twisted my ankle while riding my horse!" >how do you twist your- >Nevermind that, do something servant! >foppishcunt.stainedglass >Very well, sit down and I'll have a look >minor sprain, nothing but a splint won't fix >done.parchment >OHHH, THANK YOU KIND DOCTOR! >fop then knocks over a bottle of tonic that takes three days to make by accident >youfuckingdidnt.tapestry >holding back the fury of a thousand burning witches >go to pick it up >scampering >fop's gone and didn't pay >fuck.oilpainting >be me three weeks later >havent seen the fop >knows i'll go medieval on him if I see him again >hear screaming and moaning down the path one night >someoneshavingfun.parchment >one fort night later >hear crying >fop running with a handsomely satisfying wench >pissed to see fop >too happy about the wench to care about his ass though >fop and wench run up >wench comes and tells me she's got a seed cont'd
>>558772439 >>558773916 >wake up again >I'm somewhere down the river >near death I heard a voice >the evil one has sent more of the evil bloodline >I must continue my good work >shave top of head and toss clothing >keep the mask though >go back to the castle, posed as healing monk >pass house of the living dead on the way >kick ones leg off and pray for their souls >back within the walls >to seek out the evil bloods I must keep my ears open >for the gra-mama nassies are of the same vanity as the beast >but first I must see my harlot >she doesn't want to Fornicate Under Consent of the King >shows me my three bastards >take them in on my holy quest to rid the world of the evil ones who dabble on the dark arts of the non-latin written runes >on the market place, showing them their first breaking on the wheel >fatherly tears as they throw the rotten eggs at the red haired witch >suddenly I hear something >barely audible >"...ply..." >pull out dirty cotton from ear >">implying" >it is the blasphemous prayer of heathens! >stigma of the wicked one >rush to the source >it is a deformed smelly oat under a bridge >provide all my children with blessed trephanation tools >watch as they exorcise the fuck out of him >Deus Lo Vult >he's dead, but perhaps we saved his soul >who am I kidding, he's going to hell >children ask me what we will do, now that out holy quest if fulfilled >sell them all >rich again >settle down in the next village >all dis coin >harlots and mead for a year >I'm getting old anyways >early 30s aint easy I tell you >soon die of plague >long and preposterous life
>>558777083 >Writing down adventures and shit >greenink.cry >Im a doctor >peasant comes in says sides are hurting >no shit youre fat as fuck >tell him sides need to aerate >slice open flank meat >rank green shit spills out, must be cause of pain >mysterysolved.tale >call body cart >body splashes in canal
>making medicine from herbs, dead squirrels and fungi in case plague comes back >not the talking kind of doctor, work without a word >some merchant runs in >MY SON IS CURSED >HE CAN NOT STOP ATTEMPTING TO REPRODUCE WITH EVERYTHING >... >ALL OF OUR PILLOWS, TAPESTRY, CLOTHES THEY ARE STAINED WITH HIS CURSED SEED >HIS PENIS IS CONSTANTLY HARD, HE HAS ATTEMPTED TO SEED EVERYONE FROM HIS SISTER TO OUR SERVANT >merchant leads me to the town, kid locked in house >managed to escape through a window >hear screams from otherside of village, sounds like a lady >find kid, kid is reproducing with a male goat >grapple his ass, his dad catches up to me >drag him into the spooky forest as sun is setting down >whole village looks in horror >take him to my cottage >try to talk to him, instead fucks my dead squirrels >what the hell man >feed him mushrooms and herbs, keep on the cure for 2 weeks >work on new mask since that bitch came on my old one during the first night >someone knocks on my door >open door, whole village there >they call to me, don't respond they get spooked >run away thinking I'm a demon, laugh like a mad man >meanwhile slowly stop feeding kid medicine, seems less horny >gets interested in alchemy >teach him in peace, nobody comes to my house for 2 years >he is a brilliant student, makes me proud >the day I have awaited comes >whole village on my door with torches and pitchforks >go peek through window >crusaders and shit >nobody has seen my new mask, horns and shit >cleaned old one anyway, quickly give to kid >put my old robes on him, oversized. wear new ones I made myself >open the door >everyone looks in horror >merchant asks about his kid >kid just says "father" and walks next to me wearing my old outfit >his father had always considered him to be a wimp, get scared the fuck out of him now by his own son >BUT BUT YOU CAN'T BE A DOCTOR, OUR FAMILY IS MERCHANTS >kid's face when >that emotion when now known as Father Plague, kid is known as Son of Plague
>>558767408 >Sick man walks into clinic >Leech him >Dose him with arsenic >Give him lots of spirits >He dies despite my valiant efforts
>Nervous woman walks into clinic >Diagnose her with hysteria >Rub the clit until my arm gets tired, bring out my steam-powered dildo machine >no shit, they actually did this, look up hysteria diagnoses back in the day >women were bitches and couldn't handle the nosex
>be at castle >working on my alchemy >test peasant n° 7 twitching and screaming on floor >finally dies >lying next to other 6 rotting peasants >still convinced mercury cures headache >blame witches >lel
>be me, chillin in my hometown's library >hameplanet fattie mage comes into my study, all out of breath because pipe >fat people is weird because usually eaten by starving townfolks >bitchhowdidyousurvivestarvation.tapestry >fattie mage tells me I have imbalance of humors >too much book reading, it's disconnecting me from my true self and legacy >tells me I need to get out and lurk the areas around hometown until I reach the big city >tells me I also need more martial training and offers to escort me >prescribe spell casting scrolls and magic imbued weapons >collect them sweet medieval loots >look down the horns of my helm of Balduran and tell him I'm ready to go >we reach the ouskirt of town, immediate ambush >mfw Gorion dead
>be chilling in doctor office >actually getting drunk in tavern but whatever >be pox season >filthy peasant comes in >says worried about family getting pox >should be, doesn't even have bird mask >go to peasant's farm >wife also worried about pox, hired other doctor >ohnoyoufuckingdidnt.wavingtapestry >other doctor's beak much smaller than mine >dr. smallbeak suggests rubbing peasants with ground up pox from cows to prevent real pox >cows =/= people >is this guy even a doctor? >suggest obvious treatment of bloodletting to toughen family's constitution >I am a doctor >agree to split family >each treat our halves >my half dies >turns out they didn't have enough blood and the pox was strong in the house >his half doesn't even get pox >go to priest, explain bullshit >other doctor is burnt for wizardry >go back to tavern/office >now only doctor for several leagues >fucking vaxxers
>be me, checkin out fine medieval m'ladies from my office windows >lanky ass jester comes into my office >standing awkward as fuck >complains of pain in lower body >ask him to point directly where, probably just needs bloodletting >points to his ass >niggawhut.tapestry >tell him bend over >motherfucker has a broken shovel handle in there >tell him he needs a knight's rest >mfw
>Be me, chillin in the castles dungeon >Brewing some mad shit for my homie king >Shit's gonna be fresh >Suddenly your royal sexiness walks in >Why doth my britches be tightening? >She walks up to me and runs her finger along my cauldron >Dat enticing breast separation >Ask me if my tight brew is almost done >"A-Almost, your h-hotness" >"What did you just call me?" >Begin spilling frogs legs and newt eyes >"S-Sorry your highness!" >"It's quite all right, you're just a man" >Ask her if it'd be all right if I rubbed her holy grails >She declines me >Newt eyes everywhere >tfw no newt eyes to finish brew >tfw no holy grails to drink from >tfw no patients for the day Anyone know where I can get a new job?
>be me, going for a housecall >walk in >guy with bumps on his armpits moaning >Seen this before >Lumpypits >look around him >moving his limbs with my cane cause that shit is gross >poor sap >prescribe him with incense and a good luck toad >be on my merry way
>>558776935 >look at fop still mad >doesn't remember >about to reject service when >revelation.oilpainting >go into shed and manipulate my sword for life cream >store cream in jar >pick up twig and go outside >bring them in and lie the wench down >fop tells me to hurry since he leaves for holiday >ignore him and make them drink opium so they don't discover my plan >tell wench to spread and reveal her glory >praisethelordholyjesus.stainedglass >insert twig and kill fop child >thatbastardshouldn'tbreedanyway.parchment >insert twig into life cream >replace it into wench >wishthiswasmysword.tapestry >fop asks about life cream >tell him in his intoxicated state it's a cure >no more questions >finish and ask fop and wench if they love each other >surprisingly they do >tell them as long as they remain in love and stay faithful she won't have no children >they thank me and pay this time >pay handsomely for once >send them off >thouartafool.stainedglass cont'd
>>558779990 >patient comes into town doctor clinic >complains of hair on the neck >tell him his disease is incurable in this age >hes destined to live the rest of his life as a giant fucking faggot >tell him he has "OP Syndrome"
>be one neat ass medieval doctor bird thing >get patient off the streets to play with >thisonelooksnice.blacksmith >take blacksmith to medicines tomb >his hands are black >a lit torch of an idea pops above my scalp >falls onto blacksmith's hands >wellshit.horses >blacksmith emitting strange red glows from his skin >BLACKSMITH IS A WITCH! >do good deed for the village >get gold from town for good deeds >level up to witch doctor >OOH EEH OOH AAH AAH TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG
>>558779646 >fop and wench were so intoxicated they didn't suspect a thing >fop leaves next day >fop is gone in the amount of time for child to be born >fop comes back >hear screaming the day he returns home >find out she was still pregnant >wellofcourse.tapestry >find out their kids were disfigured >probably the opium >tfw she's pissed at him for not loving her anymore >tfw I asked someone who accompanied him and found out he did indeed revoke his fidelity >tfw I wore a mask the whole time >they don't know it was my children >many boisterous bouts of laughter when he still has to raise my hideous demon spawn
>be me >be doctor >have custom bird mask >mfw I filled the beak with hemp seeds, leaves, and juniper berries >patient comes in >complaining of stomach pain >feed him Hollyhock roots >half a cauldron of Hollyhock roots >send him home >he comes in next day smelling of shit >he defecated so much his cows got sick >stomach pain is gone >I am doctor
>counting bitcoins in my grand doctor castle office while pretending to read doctor book >faggot comes in >can tell hes a faggot because im a doctor >he belittles the hair that sprouts from my neck >he tells me i try to hard to be a doctor >doesnt know how many plagues this neck hair has warded off >doesnt know shit about being a doctor, obviously >ask him to lay down on my examination table >he's confused, but he does >look over him long and hard >actually assessing my own state >my jimmy humors are in balance >i dont need bloodletting >tell faggot i know what is wrong with him >he has a jelly infection of the worst magnitude >dude probably knows about my steed >prescribe him a carrot >tell him he must insert into his anus vigorously >tell him it will ease his butthurt >probably won't ease his butthurt >still a doctor >have my servants escort him to the farm-acy >walk to window and look over my lands >today is a good day
>>558781479 >be same doctor >new patient >says arm hurts >constant ache in arm >bleed him >cut arm open >bleeds profusely >hit an artery but I'm a doctor >doctors don't make mistakes >tell him he had too much blood >you can tell because he's still bleeding >bandage wound >send him home to sleep >fucker skips farm work for a few days >arm pain is gone when he wakes up >I am best doctor
>>558782118 >still same doctor >no patients today >somethingiswrong.tapestry >go into town with my bird mask and cane >everyone is healthy and well >priest is claiming work of god despite it clearly being my superior medical skills >go home >grab dead rats >cut open intestines >alchemies that shit into a potion with water and juniper berries >dunk potion into water supply >death toll in the tens >I can save only so many >should have made a cure before I poisoned them >blame priest >priest is lynched and burned at the stake >many die >I am doctor >everythingwentbetterthanexpected.tapestry
>be doctor >be mixing various herbs and spices >dirty peasant enters >ruinedmyday.tapestry >dirty peasant complains of pain in arm >dirty peasant says the elbow bends the wrong way >clearly not a doctor >tell him elbows are supposed to bend both ways >fix other elbow >collect life savings of dirty peasant >feelsgoodman.oilpainting >tell dirty peasant to get bed rest >i am a doctor
>>558782738 >it hath been a week since I lynched the priest >another doctor has moved into town >not on my sun dial >tell madam who makes his food Juniper berries are super good for you >tell her we need to mix it with Hollyhock root to cure him of face boils >she claims she was unaware of other doctor's face boils >I am doctor I know what I'm doing madam >other doctor dies >another few people drop dead >all his favorite patients >including food maiden >claim it is from doctors ineptitude >make my own food for rest of forever >I am the doctor >there can only be me >my mask is maximum
>be witch doctor of the ages >be whipping up some fine herbs >guy walks in >he complains about how we witch doctors are full of shit and how none of our treatments work >ohshitheknows.mural >Place bag over his head >Make him smell my latest herb concoction. >he is out cold >put him in closet while I scribe a letter to my other witch doctor friends >send my carrier pigeon off >get guy out of closet >bring him to priest and have him burned for witchcraft >take his ashes and mix them with herbs and a toad >give the cure for witchcraft to his family >they are to inhale the fine powder deeply through the nostrils >My witch doctor friends show up and they burn the rest of the family >we proceed to cure ourselves of witchcraft >all is well
>be doctor >fair thane's daughter enters hut, clutching stomach >complains of sharp pain and ill humors >tell her to remove her dress >she protests, but I am doctor >removes it >worthybodice.engraving >ask her to explain where it hurts, she points to her midsection >massage the area of her waistband vigorously while slowly working my way up towards her bodice, and back down towards her nethers >she moans out in great pain and variance >fullcodpiece.mosaic >begins to scream for me to stop, people gather at door >give her a solution of marigold and potash to drink and continue pressing around her midriff harder than before >I am the doctor >at length, her moans increase >codpiece throbbing secretly >villagers murmur in disgust and disperse >forwhatpurpose.blockprint >maiden weeping and shaking and groaning >continue to knead >malodorous vapour at length seeps past my protective beak >flip patient over, petticoats a-brim with shite >saltinthearsenic.carving >Invested now, I am a doctor >flip patient over again, dose with opium, need another 40 minutes for good measure >shite everywhere now, on table, on floor >I meant to do this, still a doctor >charge double and send patient home with instructions not to change attire until the morrow's evening, as I have invoked a natural curative effect >such medical skill was ne'er known in any kingdom
>>558784340 Oh deary me, this patient has the disease that causes him to think more new people come to town during hotter times. We must cure this my jeering at him for his unfortunate elitist stupidity.
>be sitting in castle dropping rocks out window on to peasants to test their sediment humors >suddenly bells ringing >town crier saying plague has made it into the town >thouartshittingme.chronicle >banging on castle doors >plague ridden girl brought before me >notice she has black spots all over her skin >clearly she is a nigger witch who has disguised herself and the disguise is washing off >prescribe dunking in water to determine if witch >witch drowns so she was a witch >witchcraft prevented mission accomplished >mfw the town was later overrun by nigger witches anyway >mfw they all died on their own >mfw I'm the best doctor
>>558784389 I used to have that somewhere, now I want it It is the one where he gets a "No Plague Doctor" sign on the door right? >>558768167 >be doctor >autist comes in >refuses to talk >just rubs hands together and mumbles to self >clearly he is possessed >shove juniper berries up his nose >he can't breath >runs in circles like an idiot breathing heavily through the mouth >eventually passes out and juniper berries fall out >feed them to his little sister >claim I must hold her here to ensure she was not infected >family takes autist home >use dead little sister as fleshlight for the first few days then use rotting corpse for experiments >family comes back >tell family she didn't make it and autist son must burn at the stake >still best doctor in town
>>558785012 Begone with your clipped head and Grand Buggery Masque, Wiccan scum, ere I boil your bones to silver. Thinkest thou that thy backwards incantations and skywalking will avail thee in escaping my Great Alchemie, fool? I have studied Dee and Hohenheim!
A doctor's mask covers the mouth and sports a long, respectable, and sanitary white beak.
>>558785153 >Year Of Our Lord 1293 >not leeching and obvious leeching case
>be deucin in bucket in corner of doctor office >hear patient arrive so need to wipe quick >only thing nearby is a cat >patient walks in as i slide cat betwixt my spread buttocks >thehorror.canvas >tell him its new treatment for plague >patient believes it >of course he does im a fucking doctor >proceed to surgery with shit cat running about >successfully remove arrow from patients knee >patient only lost 2.5 litres of blood during whole procedure >fuckimthebestdoctor.scroll >tell him hell be unable to go on anymore adventures >recommend job as local guard >patient dies one week later due to plague >shouldvewipedhisasswithacat.paintedvase
>>558767408 >be doctor during the beginning years of the plague >le 6.5/10 qt is sick, she's fat but its normal for the year >tell her a story that will make her calm down untill she dies >tell story about a guy getting hung up and nailed to a tree and after awhile he comes back >made up shit like that >she passes >mfw
>drunk, just finished giving lord's daughter loli her treatment >dosthouknowofwhatispeak.basrelief >feeling sleepy but gotta go, cant be found in loli's bed >even doctors have limits >driving home on my overclocked stallion >recently added a new soundsystem >servant with horn is blowing that shit really loud >waking people up >see opportunity >declare that there is a vile plague among us >there is no plague among us >declare that every subject should see me on the morrow >preparethinecoins.parchment >accidentally run over beggar cripple >he probably had the plague >wake up hungover with a line outside my door >smells like coins >cure everyone real fast >iamthedoctor.frescoe >spend the rest of the day fishing in the castles moat
>>558785543 No maiden were it, but a wench and a heretical wench at that. The crabs must be boiled within your genitalia, which will then consume them for sustenance and repair themselves fully within a few days, God willing.
Come, I shall set a crock of water on the fire!
>>558785882 >le Place thy nose within thine arse, damned Frank.
>>558779234 >keep doctor monopoly >bountiful cupping and potions >rolling in florins >take trip to Italy to become even better doctor >visit medical college >standard lectures on Hippocrates and humors >start in on weird shit with Galen >at least trepanning is pretty cool >lecturer say he'll now demonstrate on actual body >mfw >immediately report corpse-desecrating heretics to Pope >they're burned along with their demonic Galen scriptures >all-in-all a pretty good vacation
>>558767408 >am medic for spanish inquisition >making decent 50 jesuscoins a day >sent away a jew farmer for paying me shekels >took his cloak, star, and hoe >head papal leader's servant walks up to me >"how is business, my african?" i say >he ties my hands with rope >"you are arrested for heresy" >awshit.stonetablet >was in a 4christian meeting, forgot to take off doctor mask before coming in and was caught >was in a "you are humored you commit forfeiture" congress, made light of manuretalker showing a mayme from 9catholic >manuretalker was head papal's main african >am walking to head papal leader >they are about to execute me >"before you execute me, I must treat you, my last patient, as a gesture of honor" >head papal looks intrigued >I put my hands behind his ear >"my cure will make you hear all heresy in this landmass" I say >"but not the downright ungodly baptizing going on in your mother's rectum this night" I say under my breath >he yells at me >I pull out a jewish star of david behind his ear >guards seize him for thievery >I am celebrated as fine pasta falls out of my robe
>>558783783 >within hut, cleaning shite from last night's procedure >nobleman arrives, distraught >begins to babble without so much as touching my generously proffered green doctor's quill >nobleman,swerve.scroll >explains that his beloved hast, during the last throes of lovemaking, thrice now spilt out her urine upon his member >greatheresy.tapestry >demand she is brought in >tis the same "maiden" from the previous treatment! She is a wench and a fornicator! >their sin is great, but as a doctor I am wise and merciful >Remove sin equal to their depths of debauchery in the form of their cursed mammon; the wanton excess of their gold >prescribe for the harlot a measure of powdered cork boiled in three quarts of brackish water >tell them she must drink it over a period of three hours prior to their next sinning >tell them she must retain her urine throughout the drinking period, so that the cork shall do its alchemical work, and that the effect shan't wear off until the morrow >tale continues on next scroll over
>chillin at hutt in mine village >fat she beast come in >oh that symbol of wealth to be blessed with food >oh how I would love to view inside her >say to the bitch, I need to check your netherregion >that eleberry stank >came in my crotch plate
Next day >sir richard the big comes in >splinter in toe from arrow >give that bitch his final rights and steal his soon to be widow
>Be in Rome >Selling medicines and shit at my usual medical stand >See this faggot in a white robe and a cape over his shoulder >starts walking up to me >stabs me with this hidden bread knife or something >ohfuckimbleeding.war_banner >he found out i was templar >whispers "requiescat in pace" >mfw i'm in assassin's creed
>>558788239 >on the morrow, deep in my cups in an attempt to cure myself of the excess of gold humour I have taken upon myself to cure the blasphemers >fornicators return in impertinent wrath >wench accuses me plainly of quackery and falls to weeping while the noble describes how, before even the penultimate mating had concluded, the wench burst forth with a great volume of urine, quite splashing his fine velvet shoes >artthoudefecatingbeforeme.mural >the simpletons quite fully carried out my ruse unawares >alack! nobleman is armed and brings out his sword! >concoctwithhaste.bugle >scorn them quite roundly, explaining that the cork quite stopped the normal operations of the bladder, whilst opening the Blessed Mother's Organ, which during lovemaking spills out most rare, precious, and sanctified fluids, purifying all participants of the shame of their carnal deed >explain that the quality of my concoction must have produced this unexpected, but happy result >the knave questions me >rave at him, threatening curses and my arsenal of dread alchemies >remind him that I have through my virtuous medicine absolved him of his sins better than any mere priest might >absolve them both of the remainder of their gold and send them on their way, explaining that plain water should work henceforth for the same effect >live to the wizened old age of 33, die with a bellyful of mead by the fire >I was the best doctor >greeted by Saint Peter and enjoy the holy splendors of the beyond >one day, cast glance downwards >Year Of Our Lord 2014 >peasants, nobles, fornicators and witch doctors alike still arguing for and against the mystical existence and nature of the Blessed Mother's Organ >truly, my ruse is subtle and far reaching >a greater medic there is none
>be living as mother's serf >go see othello at ye old theatre >get armor and sword so I can become general of the family guard >get knighted to prove myself in battle >neighboring lord attacks grounds in seek of debts unpaid >my time to shine >cover myself in tar to channel the Sicilian within >urinate almost immediately >lose sword and surrender as family is slayed >stripped of armor and hanged >a real moore and a real heeeeeroooooo
>be me >plague doctor >best in town >fine wench cometh to me with problem >9/10 body >1/10 face >spaghetti poureth from cloth >has problem with noble warriors not wanting to court >tell her its clam imps >tell her to bathe in fronteth me for an entire solstice >toppestofkekeths.tapestry >mfw theres nothing wrong >mfw just wanted her loins
>>558768167 >guy comes in, claims he was 40 >bullshit, only my great-grandma lived that long and she died years ago >says he has black death >said his name was "Four Chan" >bullshit.painting (bc 13th century) >examine him >o shit, I think he's right >get my apothecary box >get some sage >apply it to his er... thread >he seemed cured, and he lived much longer. >he still died of thr black death though, but he got better then sick all over again
>>558790073 Truly yours was a medical career well spent. You do our profession honor.
Your recounting of fluids and devilry reminds me of a tale not long after my return from Italy (>>558786341) >be staying in new office, within castle's walls >filleting toads for experiment >experiment is to find out if toads can survive filleting >they cannot >lifeisgood.stainedglass >brewer walks in >was brewing very strong batch of ale, impaled hand with splinter >has nearly healed over, but no redness from infection >is wondering why >idea >brewing is devil's work, splinter is an affront to God (splinter is not of the True Cross) >Satan is using splinter to steal the blood that should be there >let's get that sucker out >use toad fillet knife to cut out splinter >pack wound with spare herbs lying around >brewer soon has blood return to wound with vigor >great vigor >infection spreads along arm >brewer dies >evil man couldn't survive without Satan >no surprise there
>>558792697 >a milkmaid once entered my hut, of little mind but great pale bust >whilst kneading her and applying the leeches, my codpiece bursts unceremoniously >opportunistically, I dip within my robe and bring out the healing cream for use upon her facial pox >apply most vigorously around mouth, where pox are thickest >she thanks me most heartily and pays me from her considerable wealth >tell her one treatment shan't suffice, and that the medicine, while almost beyond my means to acquire a method of producing, is most advanced and will not fail given enough applications >she departs >nowwetarry.mosaic >morrow's tale on next scroll
>sickly noble comes into hut >he complains of aches and fever >inspect his rectum cuz i can >insist that i must administer the the funnel treatment >stick large tube into anus > take bird mask off and put my mouth over protruding end >start lowly saying wolololololololo >get louder over time >gets to the point where i am shouting WOLOLOLOLOLOLO at this nobles asshole >take tube out then tell noble he must drink grog mixed with goats urine to heal >he asks if the funnel treatment was necessary >you're god damn right it was.tapestry
>>558793923 At least, perhaps, a finger's-worth of his soul may have yet been saved. You give me heart, my fellow healer, with your compassion and savvy.
>>558794093 >wake early on the morning and forthwith spill seed into mortar >cast into bowl a smattering of poppies and juniper >all the day I grind upon my mortar and pestle lazily, stopping at intervals to add seed and more ingredients >by evening, hand is cramping and clearly swollen all about >place salamander-egg and oak-leaf poultice upon it and attach a few token leeches to self to give the appearance of serious bloodletting >milkmaid enters and sees my sorry state >I explain to her that while I have made plenty of cure for the next few days, I have utterly spent my energy and imbalanced my humours in the over-exertion and that today she must rub the cure on herself >I am a doctor >I motion to the strange-smelling pestle and she does as I ask >I explain that due to the prohibitive expense and rarity of some materials, I have worked great and subtle alchemies upon my own form and that, once my humors have recovered balance, in two more days, I shall be able to produce the base reagent from whence comes the main strength of the potion >I warn her that I am but a mortal doctor and not the Almighty Himself, and so I mustneeds work within what nature has provided me with already, and that above all she must not be shocked at what she simply cannot understand >she departs, encouraged and devoted to me >continues on yet another scroll...my green ink is running low
>court jew has birthed a new boy >requests me to perform the circumcision >don't like the heathen tradition but agree cuz shekels >day of operation get drunk off grog >can barely see straight >jew child is brought in and i take my hair clippers >snip an area >baby is crying loudly >look more closely and realized i snipped off the tip of its nose
>be me >be doctor >someone says they need to bring in their sick kid >I agree to treat him >person leaves and comes back later >brings in goat >wtf is this? >it's my kid, he's sick >i shrug and find out the pig has rectal prolapse after closer examination >wait a minute, how the hell did this thing go from a goat to a pig >looks up at peasant >peasant smiles >thought it was a man but instead an old woman >grab her by the hair and shekles with a chicken's head fall out >tfw I caught a jew witch >tfw there's such a thing >now I know why they hate jews
>>558794816 >Be doctor. >It's close to winter >A plague has taken over our town >They're all coughing and noses are running >Nothing seems to work they say >Tell them to throw salt everywhere >Salt burns wounds like hell for some reason >Try to kill the illness before it gets to more people >King's men cover the lands with salt as best as they can >Winter fully hits >Snow hits the ground but it goes away quickly >Mfw I cured winter instead
>>558795484 >on the next day, I rest and wait, and as evening falls, I bethink myself of ways to make more apparent the sad condition of my good precise hands >remove poultice from right, and wrap each in quite tight cloth, observing that despite a few leeches here and there the reddening of my hands still grows with flushing blood >as I expected they would; I am a doctor, it is my business to understand the pathways of the blood >many peasants have died in the process of me obtaining such knowledge >milkmaid arrives >her distress is great, and her bosoms turbulent >I arrive as well >tell her I managed to produce one more small bit of base reagent, but that she must trust me now as I am too ill to produce more >after she has finished applying the last of the old mixture, I ask her if her clumsy milkmaid's hands are capable of performing delicate doctor's work well enough for a few days >she replies that she will try, and I coax and coerce her into retrieving the reagent from my pantaloons and scraping it off into the mortar >I am a doctor, and as I list the other ingredients and explain the pestling motion, her errant doubt fades and she mixes tomorrow's batch before departing >the snare is set, and the study will begin on the morrow >whereforecaninotgatherallofthesescrolls.mural
>out stuffing daisies into my mask and shit >small niglett runs up on me and smacks me in my wanker >no you fuckn din't u lil niglett >begin beaking the shit out of em >niglett squeeks at me in some dark language >ha dark, just like u faggt niglett >jump on its back and ride it to market with my beak rammed into its head >buy some exotic furs >wrap myself >sfw
>Peasant accosts me along one of His Majesty's roads >Feebly manages "Good e'en sirrah!" during a fit of coughing >Phlegmalicus-spotted.engraving >Obviously he has too much water in his humors >Prescribe eating 1 fistful of dirt each dawn, caution him that if he continues to drink water he risks coughing to death >Needless to say this will remedy his imbalanced humors >1 week later he's wheeled into the castle courtyard by some decrepit old man >This knave hast to be approaching his third decade >Bids me to examine his brother >Completely pale, cold body with a gaping mouth filled with dirt >His excretion of phlegm is cured >Taskaccomplished.carving >Notify his brother that, with God's graces, his coughing is cured and his humors have been balanced >For the miracle I have worked on the man's fever I will require a fifth of his brother's harvest
>>558796712 We must bleed your head to lessen your lofty humours.
>>558796628 >the following day, forgot to unwrap hands >the purple has spread, and remains though I reapply poultices >tis just as well, I shan't be needing them >the milkmaid arrives, and I require her to remove her attire immediately lest she sweat overmuch from labour and affect the solution in her ignorance >she protests, explaining that she has not wrapped herself in underthings due to the summer heat this day >I am a doctor, and a body to me is merely a field to tend >She has nothing to fear, and bares herself >I bare myself as well and explain that I have alchemized within myself all of the necessary ingredients, but that she must work the Pestle Of Flesh which I have opportunistically repurposed, may God forgive me as my intention was noble and tis the Devil's Part anyways. >she begins to pestle me vigorously with both hands, to the point that I must caution her to slow and calm herself lest I suffer tissue damage >at length I feel the solution is ground and stirred and ready >command her sternly to present her face to the pestle's spout, as a fresh application will be invaluable and more effective than otherwise >coat her entire face in my alchemical solution >she thanks me and kisses my hands, tears of gratitude or ocular irritation from the solution in her eyes >I am a doctor >tell her the treatment is not yet over and to come back on the morrow for a digestive solution which may expedite the process >continues on yet another scroll
>>558798583 >be princess >be cured after 4 days >come back one month later >same disease What to do now doctor? >secretly visits other doctor >>558798880 >removes bodice >little undeveloped breasts exposed
>>558799487 Why, the same treatment exactly that I am in the process of describing for the successful resolution of facial pox! Both arise from an excess of sanguine humour, you see, and are cure by correct application of the phlegmatic.
However, from writing these many scrolls, to illuminate the darkness shrouding the minds of the lesser quacks around me, my hands have grown most sore indeed, and you will have to see if you share the milkmaid's little skill at extracting the solution...more as to the correct application will be coming in these continuing scrolls.
>>558798403 >milkmaid returns once more >tell her I know she lacks both sense and finesse, but it is entirely vital that she try not to fail at the simple task laid before her >tell her she must suckle constantly at the Flesh-Pestle...like a calf unseparated from its mothers udders I say, so the simpleton may understand >however, in my weakened state I am foundering despite my own great skill; the sacrifice I make her each and every day is great indeed >she must allow me to draw some small essence from her in return to sustain myself >this may be painful but she must endure it; I am a doctor and this is the cure >as she suckles and grinds at my Flesh-Pestle, I suckle and bite at her great tracts of land until at last I wring forth that prized bit of milk even as she releases my solution >ANOZEHR SUCCESSFUL PROCEDURE! >we repeat this for a week, but she grows despondent and discouraged as she realizes the toll it is taking on me, with no apparent progress on her facial pox >I assure her that it will work eventually, but that I have a more effective, yet violent, treatment, that I may still try on the morrow >await the next scroll in my saga
>A goodly length in times past >In a plane of great distance >An aspiring squire of great martial prowess requests my services >He is frustrated with the knights of the round table who refuse to anoint him >Stroke the nascent hairs along my neck while contemplating >Suggest that he confer with the black knight a few leagues over, I am not expert in martial matters >He comes back later, worried about his humors >Obviously he has too much light humors >Prescribe 3 months of cave dwelling >Comes back later with his hand cut off in a duel with one of the knights of the round table >The same knight who trained him >Inform him that he was supposed to bring balance to his humors, not leave them in darkness
>>558794589 At a certain point in your medical career, you may gain certain....curiosities. Be careful, for experiments may have unexpected side effects.
>get portion of indulgences for saving soul of brewer in (>>558793923) >I am a good doctor >remember readings from Italy on life and non-life >spend newfound fortune on glass jars >experiment placing bread (non-life) within jars to generate mold (life) >eat some molds >see God >eat other molds >become violently ill >molds grow on top of one another >except one >mold kills off all other molds around it, name it Death Mold >be thinking about testing Death Mold on toads or witches when lord enters >old, rival lord is sick with fluid of the lungs >finishthejob.engraving >not that kind of doctor, but lord can order my beheading and this is a chance to test Death Mold >admitted to rival lord's sick bed because I am a reputable doctor >mix in and administer Death Mold alongside regular bloodletting >mfw it doesn't work >needs more Death Mold >mfw rival lord is actually getting healthier >mfw rival lord makes full recovery >have to just smother him with a pillow while he's sleeping >must've been an imbalance of phlegm >I am still a reputable doctor >go home, destroy all molds, never fuck with Death Mold again
>Be doctor >Sitting in office, playing this new game I've invented, you fold your hands together, and twilde your thumbs most amusingly! >All of a sudden peasant limps in. >Says his foot has been hurting. >I look at his leg >"No shit it hurts, it is green and has worms in it." >Gonna cut that shit off >Have him lay down on my trusty table. >Tell him the rust on my saw makes it sharper, therefore easier to remove limbs with. >Strap the son of a bitch down and get ready to saw. >He asks "shouldn't you give me something for the pain?" >Sir >Who's the doctor here? >Begin sawing, peasant screaming, means everything is going well. >Start sawing through the bone when all of a sudden, I realize I'm going through the wrong leg. >sonofawench.lutherandoctrine >No turning back now. >Finish off leg. >Tell peasant that without the other leg, his body has more time to fix afflicted leg. >Tell him to go outside and jam mud into his nub, it should stop the bleeding. >Never comes back, so the operation must have been successful. >Doctor of the year 1256.
>>558800748 I know this death mold of which you speak, but even I would not venture to use it on a patient I wished to save, lest I cause the next plague by mistake. Truly, it is of little use, though something of a curiosity.
>>558800594 >milkmaid enters once more >explain that the exceedingly precious and fragile solution must be dissolving as it slithers down her throat somewhat >explain that we must find a more direct route into the stomach, namely the arse, which feeds straight into it as all real doctors know >proffer her my weary pestle to sit upon >she goes full cretin, expressing fears that I am a blasphemer and a sodomite >I strike and slap her until her hysteria passes and remind her >THAT I AM A DOCTOR >whereupon she promptly lowers her rump over my Flesh-Pestle and begins to milk crudely >she weeps and begs for reprieve from the pain, but I continue the operation >as the solution approaches completion, she begins to release great flatuses, but my grand beak shields me from the harmful vapours >"Halt, good doctor, we must cease this process while I go away to shite!" she cries out "I cannot contain this!" >my irritation at the prospect of interrupting the procedure is unfathomable >"NAY!" I bellow, "SHITE AROUND IT, WENCH!" >inerenosoulgetsthereference.mosaic >inerewritercannotiner.blockprint >she mutters protestations and flushes greatly, but cannot fight with nature >she shites around it, yet the solution continues to boil unabated >at long last the solution bursts forth into her stomach >she flees, covering herself and trailing shite, to a corner of my hut where in her hasty attempts to further relieve herself, she knocks down a bottle of expensive Blessed Mother's Organ Excretion which I had regularly been testing the former wench for, and selling as a more expensive alternative to oils of snake to any commoner with a small ailment >last scroll approacheth!
>>558803283 >dab away the blood and blessed excretion and send her on her way >continue placing the solution within her throat and arse for some weeks, at first there is a slight improvement seen, but then none again >at last I have the breakthrough of a lifetime >perhaps it is the blessed secretion! >continue as normal, but bathe her countenance thoroughly with blessed secretion >run out and give her the corkwater treatment to bless her with her own, show her how to administer it, and have her do so twice a day, once in the morning ere her chores, once in the evening after I administer the solution >facial pox greatly decreased >I am indeed a remarkable doctor >prescribe this new cure to all suffering from facial pox, and collect it from the milkmaid and the noble's wench daily to sell at great profits >acquire even vaster riches, and even purchase a doctor castle of my own despite remaining a humble public servant like all doctors >.... >once more look down upon the Year Of Our Lord 2014 >countless fair wenches urinating in goblets and splashing it upon their faces in crude, pseudo-medical imitation of my glorious cure >it avails them but little without my method and the blessedness of the excretions >dost thou even hear tell of corkwater, future wenches? >fin
Truly I am twice over the most accomplished of all doctors. Perhaps I shall purchase a grander beak.
>Arrive at Lord's court >Thus my lord spake >"Goodman, the realm is sorely lacking for plague doctors, would you honor our young scholars with your training?" >Obviously agree to train those fools granted the title of scholar in these times >1347 reduced by a single count >Meet His Majesty's two scholars >One is fat and has a face with covered with boils, the other looks to be a fool, but is quite strong >If there be one truth in this world, it is that all bulbous protrusions must be lanced >Inform my students as such >Lance the porknell young man's boils free of charge with my regular set of needles >On the second day of instruction the fatty is infirm, apparently having contracted the plague >Must have forgotten his beak >After briefly instructing the the remaining student on the study of Humorism, I send him to lance the bulbous protrusions indicative of plague in the neighboring village >The next morning >Forced from my chambers by two men-at-arms >"My lord! I beseech you!" >"Silence! Why did you order your student to ride down the innocent men and women of the village?" >"I don't understand, my-" >"You ordered him to equip himself with his father's lance and to murder the townsfolk" >He actually lanced the plague victims >Sentenced to burn for my crimes >That sensation during
>thread enters hut complains of slowing >treat it with long epic of milkmaid >thread now still and at peace with slowing and inevitable demise >Lo, Jim, I am a physician, not a priest >I am indeed best doctor
>be me, chillin in my doctor office castle >cold season starting up thanks to niggers from Africa spreading rhinovirus >assigned to treat nigger slave >"he appears to have rhinovirus, therefore, he is cold" >grab fire poker and heat til red hot >stab nigger in throat >coldcured.jpg
>>558767408 >Just graduated from guild >Got my scary bird mask of death >Begin wandering the streets as an enlightened man >Going to start to practice my medicine >"Practice makes perfect!" >Man comes to me complaining of shaking and stiff muscles >It is ok >I am a doctor >Diagnose him with the palsy >Tell him to anoint his forehead with honey and sleep with his socks off >Give him tonic of rosewater to expel the disease spirits >He thanks me and gives me a few pents for my service >I accept, knowing he is a poor man and I just filled a bottle with crushed rose petals and water >I am a doctor
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