Tips for Getting Your Cockatiel to SHUT THE FUCK UP

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My girlfriend's cockatiel NEVER STOPS and it's driving me fucking insane

Things he screams over:
>The sound of water anywhere in the apartment, be it a sink or a bathtub
>Plastic bags of any kind
>Me just leaving the room
>If I do the dishes without having him perched on my shoulder
>If I take a piss without having him perched on my shoulder
>If I leave the room
>If I don't leave the room
>If I use the microwave or stove
>If I use the rice cooker
>If the neighbor's dogs bark
>If any bird outside makes any noise

It's fucking deafening and I'm at my wits fucking end. We've tried everything. Positive reinforcement when he's good, negative reinforcement when he's bad, etc.

Fucking help, /an/, I can't get a moment's peace and I want this little shit to behave