Meaning

It's up to you to decide what matters. If you decide nothing matters, then that's the reality you choose to live in.

>>18730665
obviously im depressed and suicidal, but the thing that kept me going for a long time was a best friendship with this one girl. she left because my depressive nature was too much for her. it was, and is, hard for me to let go, but why does that matter, a simple friendship. At this point literally Nothing matters to me and the only reason im still living is beacuse im a bitch
so yah

>>18730668
Don't get overly attached to people, they're not what's worth living for. It puts a burden on you to constantly live up to their expectations and a burden on them to constantly have to validate you. Grew up with a dad always telling me I was the only reason he hadn't killed himself, and you know what? Years later while I'm living my life, he barely tries to contact me, so I know he just liked telling himself that so he could pity himself and stroke his ego. Find something that matters to you, if you hate yourself then become really good at something to send a message to the people around you, if a fuck up like me can be successful then what's your excuse?
Btw what's your current situation?

>>18730685
she mattered to me. i love her. we were best friends, never dated, and it just disappeared So Easily.
theres that, which definitely isnt the only thing, and i have Nothing rn. i have Zero reasons to not kill myself

>>18730688
It is flat out UNFAIR to make someone the centre of your world and sole reason for living, that's too much burden to handle, you said as much yourself. What may bring her back is seeing that you're no longer like that, and you can live for yourself and not solely because of her. Research right now what you want to do with your life, contrary to popular belief it's not something you instinctively know, you have to look and experience things before deciding what to do.

>>18730705
youre right. like she said "you shouldnt put too much stock and confidence in someone."
But i dont like me. I dont like many things, basically nothing. right now im in a small cycle of numbing existential pain, and taking my mind off thinking too much, Vs physically shaking, keeping myself from grabbing that knife, or pacing and screaming.
Nothing makes me happy for longer than a minute and i Cannot live for those moments. im going into computer science, which i dont hate but i have no reason to not stop college because these cycles wont stop, and i Need that "reason to push past the suffering" Because why not end it

in the next few days, if i Dont kill myself, find a reason, consult my unhelpful therapist, or find happiness partying, im going to admit myself to a mental hospital, becuase thats the only thing left.

>>18730712
Since you were pouring your emotions onto her, you will find something else that lets you do the same and feel better. I hit the gym often, sing loud as fuck when I'm driving and dance around my room like a dicktrumpet listening to my favourite music. Great ways to release stress, writing and worldbuilding is something I also do to get my creative thoughts out there. Even if I delete my retarded scribblings straight after, I feel better.

>>18730749
ya see i have those little things too, although theyre quickly fading. but im looking for a reason to endure bullshit. Im not going to live life for those Very small and Very few moments. Why Not end it?????

>>18730761
I'm not ending it so I can build on those little things. I want to turn my gym hobby into a lifestyle, learn all I can about sport science, want to turn my shit singing good and share it, write a few short stories one day. In my first post I said it's up to you to deicide what matters to you, so you need to tell me why you don't want to end it. You need to WANT something, even if it takes hard work, otherwise there may as well be no reason not to end it. Be selfish and pursue what you want, if you don't know what you want then look it into or force yourself to try new stuff so you can make an informed decision before writing it off.

>>18730779
:/ yah makes sense. i need that drive to start pursuing that though. idk bruh

>>18730793
Check out this channel/video, watched it a while ago and it seems relevant to you, especially the last part. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMbUa0nfzk8

>>18730805
seriously man thanks a bunch! obviously im not better but this video, or atleast Tony Robbins, is what i was looking for. like looking past those cliches cuz ive told myself theyre not gonna work many a time before. so atleast right now, i have something to go on

>>18730659
name?

>>18731521
tony